How do you accept?

[angels4mom]

It's just you worrying about something that is not true.  He would not of felt rejected or unloved.  And yeah, when having a seizure, he probably was so confused.  His body was trying to correct itself.

I would not even know what to do during a seizure, but grab a towel and wait.  Nothing you could really do.

You're just beating yourself up now, cause the pain of separation is so strong.  You know like others said, Cocoa was lucky to have you, even if he had a short life, and you are lucky that you had him too.  

I held him during the seizures. I held him upright so he wouldn't choke. We had a huge snow storm so I couldn't get him to the hospital. I was left at home to tend to him. I even held him when I went to the bathroom. I didn't let him out of my sight until the morning of the day he passed. I'm diabetic. I was very low on food and I needed to get cat milk for Cocoa so I went out to get a few things. While I was downstairs waiting for my ride I heard him cry for me. I had kept him in his bed and put the bed in a cardboard box so if he seized while I was gone he wouldn't hurt himself. I felt awful leaving him. I thought of him every second. He was still alive when I got home. I gave him some of the cat milk. A friend got a hold of me later. The roads were clear so he took us to the vet but his kidney values were extremely off and his BP very low. My baby boy was dying. He saved my life why couldn't I save his? I hope this pain eases soon. He needed me that morning and I left him alone. I'll tell you I've never gone through such torture.

 

[di and bob]

I don't feel he felt you didn't love him or that he felt rejected at all, you were there with him. He needed you and you were there, that is was the most important thing in the world to him at that moment in time and all you could do. It meant the world to him although it broke your heart. You are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, and I know I went through it too, I 'see' my baby getting hit by that car after following me, again and again, the guilt is tremendous and crushing to the soul. I cried so much seeing her grave and thinking she was so cold there in the ground. I would do ANYTHING to bring back that day, but it is not to be. Our babies are gone from this earth, but not gone from our minds or hearts, there they will live forever. I would not doubt either that because you are so broken and do not accept the passing, your baby is trying to communicate with you that it is all right, you need to let him go. I found my Chrissy's distinctive hairs for months after. On top of my sink which is cleaned off daily. You will never quit hurting and missing him, you arrange your life in a different order, one that is without. But it WILL get better, the pain will lessen over time, until one day you will think of him with smiles instead of tears. He will NEVER leave your heart, he is there forever. Time is the only thing that helps. I wish I could hug you, my thoughts and prayers will definitely be with you, please take care of yourself and know we are here to cry with you.

 

[cat nap]

 

Hey, @angels4mom  ,  ......@Di and Bob     is right, you are experiencing post traumatic stress.  

And because you have diabetes, you have to look out for yourself, first.  (my mom has it, but is careful to make sure to eat regularly)

Maybe, Cocoa was just saying...."don't forget the milk!"....you know, like someone would, before going out to the store.

You had to go out, or no one would be eating.  And you still got him to the vet, some cats die at home and are in more pain, so how could you say you failed him?  Even if you could not have made it due to the storm, you were still there for him.

How come you don't believe that?

 Its like you wish you could have done more, but in reality, you did.  He just had to go when he did.  

Please take care of yourself first, and don't stress about Cocoa, his journey is some where else now.

You have to be okay with that.

 

[angels4mom]

Hey, @angels4mom
 ,  ......@Di and Bob
    is right, you are experiencing post traumatic stress.  

And because you have diabetes, you have to look out for yourself, first.  (my mom has it, but is careful to make sure to eat regularly)

Maybe, Cocoa was just saying...."don't forget the milk!"....you know, like someone would, before going out to the store.

You had to go out, or no one would be eating.  And you still got him to the vet, some cats die at home and are in more pain, so how could you say you failed him?  Even if you could not have made it due to the storm, you were still there for him.

How come you don't believe that?
 Its like you wish you could have done more, but in reality, you did.  He just had to go when he did.  

Please take care of yourself first, and don't stress about Cocoa, his journey is some where else now.
You have to be okay with that.

I'll try to be okay with it. I liked your second comment about Cocoa and the milk. It made me laugh. Maybe too he was telling me he'd be okay while I was gone. That he'd still be here. I do smile at some of his pics or when I tell others about him. I wasn't able to get to the store as originally planned because of the storm so I had to go that day. We had about two storms a week this winter. I was worried about the electric being off the one day because of Cocoa. I didn't want anything happening to him. I told him I'd take good care of him.

 

[alisa brown]

Sometimes I "hear" him cry out "mommy?!" Like he's crying for my help. It eats me up inside.

That just happened to me last night.  I was feeding my other cats and I heard my little Stella cry. She always meowed at me at dinner time, like she was worried I would forget to give her, her plate too.

I turned around so quickly saying, "Stella" then sighed and went back to feeding the others.

I had mixed emotions, sadness, confusion and also joy that maybe she hadn't left me completely alone and visits me from time to time.

 

[angels4mom]

That just happened to me last night.  I was feeding my other cats and I heard my little Stella cry. She always meowed at me at dinner time, like she was worried I would forget to give her, her plate too.

I turned around so quickly saying, "Stella" then sighed and went back to feeding the others.

I had mixed emotions, sadness, confusion and also joy that maybe she hadn't left me completely alone and visits me from time to time.

Mandie and Cocoa are dark in color. Sometimes when Mandie enters a room and I see her at first I think it's Cocoa. :rub:

 

[cat nap]

I'll try to be okay with it. I liked your second comment about Cocoa and the milk. It made me laugh. Maybe too he was telling me he'd be okay while I was gone. That he'd still be here. I do smile at some of his pics or when I tell others about him. I wasn't able to get to the store as originally planned because of the storm so I had to go that day. We had about two storms a week this winter. I was worried about the electric being off the one day because of Cocoa. I didn't want anything happening to him. I told him I'd take good care of him.

Well, you @angels4mom  and @MissSweetKitty   made me laugh so much the other night, so I was not trying to make you laugh today, but glad if I did.

Just trying to make you feel a little better. 

See I think the laughing and humour is a good way to cope.  But some people may say I am insensitive.  So I try not to joke until I know the person better.

I think you have a good sense of humour, too, and even though, I said no poop stories, I only meant it at that moment.  You can tell as many as you like, I will just be sure to have eaten before hand...

.lol.

I think we both worry we were not good enough owners to our cats, but the truth is that we were okay, and sure, maybe they could have had better, but then sadly, we would not have known them at all .

  Some one here...@VVStephanie   .... said she would rather have the pain and the loss,  over not having them at all.

I am pretty sure you and I would agree with her.

 We both did what we could when they were dying

. 

Now I think I have to move on, and I am hoping you will in time, too.  That does not mean you have to stop talking about Cocoa, you do have to get past it, for your own health, though.  Your health should be number one, now.  Everything else will follow.

 

[cat nap]

I turned around so quickly saying, "Stella" then sighed and went back to feeding the others.

I had mixed emotions, sadness, confusion and also joy that maybe she hadn't left me completely alone and visits me from time to time.

 

thanks you two, @angels4mom  and @Alisa Brown.....you made me realize that I was not the only one, who sees the back of my tuxedo cat, Spotty now, and does a double take.  It was weird when it happened just yesterday night, but my sister says it happens to her often.  

Weird thing is I want to get another black cat again, but not sure if now is the time.  I may just get another colour.  Am not ready yet, so I will figure it out later.  I still have a 14 yr old tuxedo cat, Spotty, and a 2yr old Labrador, named Floppy......so they keep me busy and happy.

 

[angels4mom]

thanks you two, @angels4mom  and @Alisa Brown.....you made me realize that I was not the only one, who sees the back of my tuxedo cat, Spotty now, and does a double take.  It was weird when it happened just yesterday night, but my sister says it happens to her often.  

Weird thing is I want to get another black cat again, but not sure if now is the time.  I may just get another colour.  Am not ready yet, so I will figure it out later.  I still have a 14 yr old tuxedo cat, Spotty, and a 2yr old Labrador, named Floppy......so they keep me busy and happy.

That just happened to me last night.  I was feeding my other cats and I heard my little Stella cry. She always meowed at me at dinner time, like she was worried I would forget to give her, her plate too.

I turned around so quickly saying, "Stella" then sighed and went back to feeding the others.

I had mixed emotions, sadness, confusion and also joy that maybe she hadn't left me completely alone and visits me from time to time.

When Tiki died in 2009 I was determined not to get another calico. The next month I went to Petsmart to get a kitten with the Cat Angel Network. They only had a few at that hour. A foster mom went in with Holly and her sister. Her name was Suzy but I changed it to Holly. I reluctantly chose her and took her to the back room to see how she handled. She kissed my arm! She adopted me!

 

[angels4mom]

Well, you @angels4mom
 and @MissSweetKitty
  made me laugh so much the other night, so I was not trying to make you laugh today, but glad if I did. Just trying to make you feel a little better. 

See I think the laughing and humour is a good way to cope.  But some people may say I am insensitive.  So I try not to joke until I know the person better.

I think you have a good sense of humour, too, and even though, I said no poop stories, I only meant it at that moment.  You can tell as many as you like, I will just be sure to have eaten before hand...:nausea: .lol.:smile2:

I think we both worry we were not good enough owners to our cats, but the truth is that we were okay, and sure, maybe they could have had better, but then sadly, we would not have known them at all .
  Some one here...@VVStephanie
  .... said she would rather have the pain and the loss,  over not having them at all.
I am pretty sure you and I would agree with her.

 We both did what we could when they were dying
. 
Now I think I have to move on, and I am hoping you will in time, too.  That does not mean you have to stop talking about Cocoa, you do have to get past it, for your own health, though.  Your health should be number one, now.  Everything else will follow.

If my guy is playing soccer with his dried turds in Heaven he better not drop it down here! Let me know your eating times so I know not to mention it while you're chowing down. :nausea:

 

[angels4mom]

I saw a sparrow today. I said Cocoa honey there's a birdie. I instantly saw him leaping to play with it first wiggling his little baby kitty cat tuchus (butt).

 

[cat nap]

If my guy is playing soccer with his dried turds in Heaven he better not drop it down here! Let me know your eating times so I know not to mention it while you're chowing down.

lol....Okay, I shall get right on that schedule....lol.....unfortunately, right now, its all over the place.  So really no set times.  I guess I shall just have to take my chances, then.

 lol

I will have to look up too, now, since I don't want my hair messed up, thanks for the warning.

  

I saw a sparrow today. I said Cocoa honey there's a birdie. I instantly saw him leaping to play with it first wiggling his little baby kitty cat tuchus (butt).

oh, I forgot about that, too, my Sparky would whip his tail around, like he was going to go through the glass sliding doors, with magic or something.....lol......"kitty cat tuchus"....thanks for the definition.....lol

That would be a good nickname for a cat....lol.....like "toucan sam, the parrot"....only  "tuchus the cat"

 

 

[angels4mom]

lol....Okay, I shall get right on that schedule....lol.....unfortunately, right now, its all over the place.  So really no set times.  I guess I shall just have to take my chances, then.  lol

I will have to look up too, now, since I don't want my hair messed up, thanks for the warning.ara2:   :bigthumb:

oh, I forgot about that, too, my Sparky would whip his tail around, like he was going to go through the glass sliding doors, with magic or something.....lol......"kitty cat tuchus"....thanks for the definition.....lol
That would be a good nickname for a cat....lol.....like "toucan sam, the parrot"....only  "tuchus the cat":lol3:  

I think tuchus is Yiddish. I use to tell him he had the cutest little kitty cat tuchus.

 

[cat nap]

I think I did hear it on Saturday Night Live or something.....but cannot really remember....lol

do you watch any comedy shows?

 

[angels4mom]

thanks you two, @angels4mom  and @Alisa Brown.....you made me realize that I was not the only one, who sees the back of my tuxedo cat, Spotty now, and does a double take.  It was weird when it happened just yesterday night, but my sister says it happens to her often.  

Weird thing is I want to get another black cat again, but not sure if now is the time.  I may just get another colour.  Am not ready yet, so I will figure it out later.  I still have a 14 yr old tuxedo cat, Spotty, and a 2yr old Labrador, named Floppy......so they keep me busy and happy.

This is the little girl that adopted me after Tikis passing.

image.jpg

• angels4mom
• Apr 11, 2014

image.jpg

• angels4mom
• Apr 11, 2014

 

[cat nap]

wow, so you were not originally into her, but she kissed your arm and adopted you.  Sweet story.

I should really start looking then, too, since I do want a second cat, to keep Spotty company, and play with the dog.  My sister cannot go to the shelters with me, cause she wants to adopt everyone.  So I will just show her a photo.  She does not care what type of cat.

Did you always know you wanted one after Tiki?

 

[angels4mom]

wow, so you were not originally into her, but she kissed your arm and adopted you.  Sweet story.

I should really start looking then, too, since I do want a second cat, to keep Spotty company, and play with the dog.  My sister cannot go to the shelters with me, cause she wants to adopt everyone.  So I will just show her a photo.  She does not care what type of cat.

Did you always know you wanted one after Tiki?

I considered not getting another one but wanted one for Mandie. It was hard deciding on another calico.

 

[cat nap]

did the memories of Tiki then get in the way of Holly?  Cause that would be what I would worry about with me. If I compared the new cat to the cat that just passed.  They all have such different personalities, so I think it would not matter, really.

One is never the same as the other.   So that is a good thing.  

You said you waited one month, that is really good, but what made you want a third cat then, with Cocoa?  I had a third for awhile but it was just a friend's mother's cat, who was on  a trip....so the cat was over with me.

 

[angels4mom]

did the memories of Tiki then get in the way of Holly?  Cause that would be what I would worry about with me. If I compared the new cat to the cat that just passed.  They all have such different personalities, so I think it would not matter, really.
One is never the same as the other.   So that is a good thing.  

You said you waited one month, that is really good, but what made you want a third cat then, with Cocoa?  I had a third for awhile but it was just a friend's mother's cat, who was on  a trip....so the cat was over with me.

No it didn't get in the way much. I saw Cocoa at a friend's house in a large cage by himself. He was very tiny. I fell in love right away. It was supposed to be a foster but we became so bonded I couldn't give him up.

 

[cat nap]

 

Yup, you are similar to my sister then, cannot walk away from a cat....lol.   I don't think I would be able to give him up either.  I think those foster moms are great, cause they take care of a cat and then know that it will be going to a forever home......but for me, too, this would be hard.  I guess its just how you look at it.  They are saving and helping so many cats.