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I have a world of hurt from the things that happened after my mare was put down. A mare I'd had for over 20 years was hauled to the landfill behind my back. I had screaming nightmares about her being burnt, legs falling off and images I don't want to describe. For me this was as necessary as my next breath. It took me many years to sort though the grief I experienced after I lost Nik and it was not the actual having to put her down. It was the chaos and disorder after when the guardians are often suffering from emotional blackout that was the prime cause of what amounts to a total emotional breakdown. Severe depression and being pumped full of mood stabilizing medication that has it's own set of issues. By following a ritual with Kitten I accept her death even though it is painful beyond words at times. I will not get lost in that blackness again. I lost a couple years of my life and it was having Kitten to care for that eventually gave me the fortitude to suck it up and live.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wasn't reading your earlier threads so I don't know the circumstances, but I do know how much you're hurting. When our Cindy passed, we had a private cremation for her and it does bring you some sense of peace. It was pretty much the same as you mentioned, we got to see her and spend a little time with her. Then we went to the back. They put a little piece of her blanket in with her, and then told us we probably didn't want to look when they put her in the oven - and we didn't, just held on to each other. It's been over a year and I still miss and cry for her. Little Darcy too who we adopted after to be a friend to our other cat, Swanie and to us, and had her only a couple months before losing her. I wish we had done the private ceremony for her too, but it was a money issue at the time. I hope you are able to find another baby to love and be companion to your other cat. Right now our little Tortie Cricket is sitting next to me meowing for something or other, so life does go on. She can't replace Cindy or Darcy in my heart, but there is enough room for her to occupy as well.
I wish peace for you. It's not always so easy to find.
Death demands a ritual. it is a way of parting.