Feeling guilty about my cat

[dpepper73]

My brother, our cat Libby, and I spent most of last year and January of this year living with our parents. In February of this year my brother and I moved out of my parents house but so far we've decided to keep Libby at my parents house. She's gotten used to the inside of the house and more importantly, she's comfortable with the immediate area outside of the house. My parents house is pretty big and it has lots of French doors with windows low enough for Libby to watch the birds and squirrels outside. The house that my brother and I live in now is in a low lying area and the backyard is almost always wet and muddy. I can just imagine letting Libby out the back door and then having to go after her if she's in one of her stubborn "I don't wanna go back inside yet" moods. The end result of something like that would be a pair of very muddy shoes at the least.

When we first moved in here I would really miss her, especially at night because she always slept in my bed with me. But all in all I think this is the best situation for right now. My parents house is only ten minutes away on foot, two minutes by car. So my brother and I can visit her just about whenever we want.

The main reason I wrote this post was because I was feeling guilty about leaving her just now. She had fallen asleep in my lap, and I had fallen asleep too. But I knew my mom was about to be home with a couple of her friends and I wanted to leave before they arrived. So I woke Libby up, combed her a couple of times, grabbed my stuff and said bye to Libby.

Then when I got home, I realized that I could've taken Libby upstairs and we could've continued our little nap there. Part of me thinks I'm being a little too hard on myself, but at the same time, it's hard to get the image of my Calico-colored cat looking at me with that look that says, "Why are you leaving again?"

Am I making too much out of leaving my cat in a hurry today? Thanks in advance for any constructive input.

 

[margd]

The mere fact that you feel guilty about this shows how much you love Libby.  You really shouldn't feel guilty - you've not done anything wrong. These kinds of separations happen all of the time - people have to go to work, or they have to go out of town for a few days - and you can't weigh yourself down for something that has to happen.  And don't be so hard on yourself for not taking Libby upstairs for more time together.  I suspect you were a bit rushed by your desire to escape being around your Mom's friends (understandable) and that's why you didn't think of it.  Next time, you will.  Chalk it up as a learning experience and give Libby extra love next time you see her.

I am wondering how comfortable you really are about leaving Libby with your folks.  The two of you are bonded and love each other, so the separation is bound to be difficult at times.  Since the distance to your parents' house is only a ten-minute walk, you might consider leash training Libby and walking her over to your place for visits.   Generally, it's not recommended to take cats back and forth between houses because they like their routines and can become very stressed out when those routines are broken.  There are exceptions though. 

Before I knew that cats should be kept indoors, I allowed my late cat Wesley to roam outside as he wished.  He took to disappearing for long periods of time and coming back with ham breath and smelling of perfume.  We finally figured out that he was going next door and spending several hours a day being spoiled rotten by an elderly woman who lived alone with no pets.  She and I struck up an agreement and for the rest of the time I lived there, Wesley very happily went back and forth between the two homes.    You live close enough to your parents that you might be able to make something like that work as well.  The use of a cat carrier and a car might stress Libby out too much, but once she is leash trained she might actually enjoy her visits.   Who knows?  You might even find that she's perfectly happy living with you. 

If you are interested in leash training, check out this article:  http://www.thecatsite.com/a/harness-and-leash-training-for-cats

And stop beating yourself up! 

 

[dpepper73]

Hello margd, I'm reading your response again because I'm visiting this site for the first time in a while and I wanted to see my different posts, and the comments they received.

I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Libby passed away three days ago. She was still staying with my parents at their house. On Monday night when 10-10:30pm rolled around and she wasn't in her usual chair outside, my parents started to worry. So my dad grabbed a flashlight and went outside. He found Libby lying next to their house in the soft grass. When my dad bent down to pick her up he was expecting her to hop right up. Instead, her hind legs wouldn't work. They thought that she might have been hit by a car, but the xray from the vet's office showed no broken bones. She had a blood clot in one of her legs. I think that was the reason for her inability to walk.

Libby had been my and my brother's pet for about a year and a half before we moved in with our parents. We lived there with Libby for almost a year and Libby lived with our parents without me and my brother for ten months. So, she had been our pet for 3 years in August. It seemed like longer. We have no idea how old she was. And just like the post I made back in February, I'm beating myself up because I feel like I should've been there for her. She was the absolute sweetest cat I've ever met. She was very laid back. She never scratched or hissed at anyone. She was always very passive. She walked across our yard one day about three months after my brother and I had lost a cat because it was hit by a car. We took her in. That was sometime in August 2014.

I just wish I could put her up in my lap one more time. My brother went by the vet's office when Libby was there and he said he could barely hold it together. When he turned to leave he heard the vet tech tell Libby, "No darling, you have to stay here." In other words, Libby was trying to follow my brother by using only her front legs. That's about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

I hope I start feeling better soon. I'm sure I will since it's only been 3 days. Any words of encouragement will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

 

[Elenya Rose]

My condolences to you, it is so hard to lose a beloved kitty! You gave her a beautiful loving life in the time she was with you, it sounds like she was a lovely cat and loved you back just as much.

Big hugs to you!

 

[dpepper73]

My condolences to you, it is so hard to lose a beloved kitty! You gave her a beautiful loving life in the time she was with you, it sounds like she was a lovely cat and loved you back just as much.

Big hugs to you!

Thank you very much! It's been a week and my parents, my brother and I are still mourning our dear sweet Libby. A few days ago my dad gave Libby's ashes to me and my brother. The place who took care of the cremation did a really nice job of putting together a little folder of things such as the poem about the Rainbow Bridge. Libby's ashes are in a bag inside a decorative tin inside a felt or velvet bag. On the outside of the felt bag are the words, "Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge."

I had never heard of the poem. Inside the folder that was given to us was a copy of the poem. My brother tried reading it out loud until he got to the part where it talks about how each pet had to leave behind someone they loved very much. When he got to that part it was a little too much for him, so I offered to read the rest. Somehow I managed to finish it with only one pause needed to catch my breath.

My brother and I aren't planning on getting another cat anytime soon. That doesn't mean that we'll never get another one though. I talk like we're always going to be living together. I guess that's because we've been roommates for fourteen years. It's not so bad.

Thanks again.

 

[margd]

Oh, I am so, so sad to hear this news about Libby. I just saw your post or I would have posted much sooner than this. You loved her so much and always kept her best interest in heart - there is no reason for you ever to feel guilty about her. She lived a happy life, enclosed within the love given her by you and your family. That's a dream life for a cat and you made that possible.

Libby sounds like she was a very special treasure and I so wish she didn't have to leave you. There are many people who believe that they never really do. You might find this thread both interesting and comforting: Have You Ever Felt The Presence Or Gotten A Sign From A Deceased Cat? . I have never had the kind of experiences that others have described, but I can confirm that our rainbow bridge cats make a place in our hearts that gradually turns from painful to comforting. Although the sense of loss never goes away, it exists side-by-side with happy memories and a sense of being enriched from sharing your life with such a precious little being. In that sense, they truly do never leave us and are always there for us to touch.

One of the things that helped me the most when my cats left me was to write down everything I could think about them. Years later, reading those notes brought back the essence of who my cats were as clearly as if they were still around. Time does blunt our memories of their essence and it can be very therapeutic to be able to be in touch with them again in this way. I'm probably not describing it very well but hope that this makes some kind of sense to you.

Here is another thread that might help you while you go through this very fresh and terrible loss: Pet Remembrance Journal I checked out the journal myself and even though it's been years since my two passed away, I am thinking of buying two of them. Your grief may still be too raw at the moment to write in it, but someday it may be very helpful.

My cat Wesley passed away after losing the use of his back legs, very much like Libby did. The vet suspected that he'd had a stroke. Even though he was 19, I was still shocked by the speed with which he was gone. It wasn't something that I'd expected at all. Perhaps that is some of what you're going through as well - an unexpected sudden death like this can add feelings of shock and disbelief to grief.

I'd like to recommend that you post a tribute to Libby here: Crossing the Bridge Many people find significant comfort from the support and understanding they find in the Crossing the Bridge forum.

Again, I am so very sorry that Libby has left you. I'm very glad to hear that you are open to the idea of adopting another cat at some time in the future but do have to warn you: The universe has a way of sending cats to us when we least expect it.

 

[dpepper73]

Thank you margd. Thank you very much. The last few days have been pretty good regarding the grief I'm feeling for Libby. I think part of the reason for that is the fact that I just happened upon some pictures and videos of her on my PC while looking at other pictures. Something about browsing through her pictures helped me to remember certain things about her, like why I took the picture in the first place. I know this is gonna sound really biased on my part, but I think Libby was a very pretty cat. I had never had a calico-colored cat and it seemed like her markings were just right.

Truth be told, I think my mother and father might be having a harder time with Libby's passing than me or my brother. My brother and I took her in sometime in mid-August 2014. In March 2016, my brother and I moved back in with our parents and brought Libby with us. We moved out in January of this year but decided it would be better for Libby to stay with our parents. So, to add it all up, Libby was a part of our lives from August 13, 2014 to October 3, 2017. 3 years, 1 month, and 20 days, approximately. I never would have been able to remember August 13 if I hadn't taken pictures on that very first day that she came strutting across our front yard and meowing up a storm. Anyway, Libby lived in our parents' house from March 2016 until October 2017. My brother and I were there in the house with her for 10 months or so, but throughout 2017 it was my mother and father who took care of Libby. I remember when we first moved into this house, there were times, especially at night when I would feel a huge absence, like an aching, and it was because I missed my girl. Sometimes 5 or 6 days would go by without seeing Libby, so when we would show up at our parents' house she was so affectionate. It would take her a second or two, I think, to realize that it was me or my brother and she would light up and start vocalizing and purring like never before. There were a couple of times when my parents would go on a short vacation and that meant that I got to stay over there and sleep in the same bed with her. I think that's what I'll miss the most. Waking up in the middle of the night and seeing Libby sitting up straight on the bed looking out the 2nd story window. I would talk to her and pet her and eventually she would get comfortable and go back to sleep.

 

[margd]

I'm glad that things are a bit easier for you, although sorry to hear your parents are having such a tough time. It must be very hard for them since Libby lived with them full-time.

Looking through photographs can be very healing. Some people can't bear to look at photographs because doing so makes them miss their rainbow cat even more than they do already. I'm with you, though. Just being able to see my late cats brings them back to me. I love remembering the times we had together.

I bet you are not biased at all when it comes to Libby being so pretty. Calicos are very pretty cats. You wouldn't want to share one of those pictures here by any chance? I'd love to see her.

That's a lovely memory of you and Libby in the middle of the night.