Feeling bad about adopting a cat after returning one to the shelter

[alysker]

About three weeks ago I posted a thread about adopting a male shelter cat who had too much energy for our apartment. We sadly had to return him but he is being rehomed to a place with a nice backyard. I cried for days and thought I couldn't ever get a new cat.
My girlfriend and I however really want another cat and this Saturday we are going to meet a female mom cat who seems a lot quieter and more relaxed. If it matches we can take her home with us.

I don't know how to feel. I feel like I failed one cat and I feel kind of bad for looking for a new one so quickly. I know people say it's okay to bring cats back to the (non kill) shelter if it's not a match but it feels kind of mean to go and adopt a new cat so soon. But every day we really want a nice cat to cuddle and play with.
Of course we don't fully know how this female will be so we will ask a lot of questions before deciding to adopt her. But I can't help thinking what if it goes wrong again, what if this one is also not a right fit.

Not really any questions. Just need to vent and maybe some advice or experiences you guys have.
Thanks!

 

[Biomehanika]

If the last cat was truly not a good fit then you probably did what was best for both him and yourself by returning him so he could find a new home more suited to him, which is always the right thing. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to try again with another cat.

However, you should also be realistic when determining if the cat is the right fit. Wanting a “good fit” is fine, wanting a “perfect fit” is, in most cases, unrealistic. Cats are their own little individuals so you can’t have too high expectations from them, especially when they are new and settling in/getting to know you. How a cat acts will usually change over time, especially as they get older, and sometimes it takes them weeks, months, or even years in more extreme cases to be fully comfortable and bond with you, so you need to be patient and not judge them too quick, and allow them the time to adjust and grow into their true selves. The perfect cat for you might not seem perfect at first, and that’s OK, and they may never become the fully “perfect” cat you’d hoped for, and you need to be OK with that too. Ask all the questions you can, but just be aware, if the cat is in a shelter setting as opposed to a foster setting it is less likely to be acting representative of its true self, so the answers to the questions you ask might not actually be accurate.

When I got Bentley (tabby in my sig who has now passed away) he was hiding in a box at the shelter and would not come out. All I could see was part of his little face, but when I put my hand into the box he cuddled it and started purring. The shelter workers told me he was “a grump” and a scared cat, but I wanted him anyways. He turned out to be the opposite of a grump, and was an extremely confident cat outside of a shelter setting (until he had to be crated or go to the vet at least, lol). It did take him time to warm up to me as he had been a stray street cat for his whole life up until then, and there were times early on when I’d think “what have I gotten myself into”, but he eventually turned out to be the most loving cat I’ve ever had and the most loyal little companion who wanted to be by my side or on my lap 24/7.
He was honestly the best, and while I love my other cats tremendously (and know they love me too), I’m not sure I’ll ever find another cat who loves me quite as much as Bentley did.

 

[Babypaws]

God bless you for taking him and giving him a loving home. I have a feral cat who I took in about 3 years ago. Before I allowed to have her come in the house with my other cats, I kept her on our enclosed porch because she was scared and would hide, but I went out there every day talked to her, fed her etc but it actually took me four months before she would allow me to pet her, now she’s been in the house for a couple of years and she also is the most loving cat. She sleeps with me along with a couple other cats (lol) and the way she acts I know she is thankful for being in the house.
All cats have their own personality

 

[alysker]

If the last cat was truly not a good fit then you probably did what was best for both him and yourself by returning him so he could find a new home more suited to him, which is always the right thing. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to try again with another cat.

However, you should also be realistic when determining if the cat is the right fit. Wanting a “good fit” is fine, wanting a “perfect fit” is, in most cases, unrealistic. Cats are their own little individuals so you can’t have too high expectations from them, especially when they are new and settling in/getting to know you. How a cat acts will usually change over time, especially as they get older, and sometimes it takes them weeks, months, or even years in more extreme cases to be fully comfortable and bond with you, so you need to be patient and not judge them too quick, and allow them the time to adjust and grow into their true selves. The perfect cat for you might not seem perfect at first, and that’s OK, and they may never become the fully “perfect” cat you’d hoped for, and you need to be OK with that too. Ask all the questions you can, but just be aware, if the cat is in a shelter setting as opposed to a foster setting it is less likely to be acting representative of its true self, so the answers to the questions you ask might not actually be accurate.

When I got Bentley (tabby in my sig who has now passed away) he was hiding in a box at the shelter and would not come out. All I could see was part of his little face, but when I put my hand into the box he cuddled it and started purring. The shelter workers told me he was “a grump” and a scared cat, but I wanted him anyways. He turned out to be the opposite of a grump, and was an extremely confident cat outside of a shelter setting (until he had to be crated or go to the vet at least, lol). It did take him time to warm up to me as he had been a stray street cat for his whole life up until then, and there were times early on when I’d think “what have I gotten myself into”, but he eventually turned out to be the most loving cat I’ve ever had and the most loyal little companion who wanted to be by my side or on my lap 24/7.
He was honestly the best, and while I love my other cats tremendously (and know they love me too), I’m not sure I’ll ever find another cat who loves me quite as much as Bentley did.

Thanks for your in debth answer! I know I can never get the "perfect" cat again provably because I already had one once. Still cry when I think about her. But we can always try to get a new buddy I guess the cat we brought back was in a shelter and had been sick for a month before we got him. So we couldn't know how active he was. The cat we are going to see this week is in a foster home belonging to a shelter. So hopefully they will know more about her character!

 

[Alldara]

If the shelter is willing to let you try again, then they agree it was a bad fit for a good home.

Really ask all the questions that are important to you at the meeting. Also ask how long she's been at that foster home as it will give an idea about how well they know her personality. Also ask if there's anything they think you should be warned of or something they think some homes might not like that she does. With those questions we were warned how vocal Cal was. It just helped us be prepared.

 

[alysker]

If the shelter is willing to let you try again, then they agree it was a bad fit for a good home.

Really ask all the questions that are important to you at the meeting. Also ask how long she's been at that foster home as it will give an idea about how well they know her personality. Also ask if there's anything they think you should be warned of or something they think some homes might not like that she does. With those questions we were warned how vocal Cal was. It just helped us be prepared.

That's a good idea! We are making a list of questions. And a list of names.. so I am slowly allowing myself to be excited about it