Elmo

[DudeandElmo]

I need help.
My sweet Elmo passed away unexpectedly this morning at 8 years old. My innocent, fluffly orange baby.

We noticed she had a couple small lumps on her a while back, and the vet said to just keep an eye on them because they didn’t seem threatening at the time or to cause her discomfort. We thought at first they were maybe scar tissue from play fighting with the other cats.
She started suddenly getting more of them, quickly, and then one on her face. We scheduled a biopsy (they wanted to remove them and send them off), but we were nervous because she is sensitive to anesthesia due to her heart. She did ok with the anesthesia and the surgery itself to remove the tumors, but the tumors themselves released histamine and caused anaphylactic shock once she was awake and out of surgery. They kept finding more and more bumps under her thick fur. They lost count, and some of them were dark colors like blue and black. Stopped counting at 20. How did i not feel those? They said it was almost certainly cancer, and that she would have gone into histamine related shock eventually at home if we had let just them go, and it could have happened by something as harmless as playing or jumping.

She was on pain medication and just seemed to go back to sleep today. We all got to go and hold her wrapped in a blanket. I can’t believe this, and im getting over a bad sickness so am so loopy from it all. I don’t know what to do now.

I can’t quit blaming myself. The vet said we did all we could, but I can’t turn off my mind. I keep wonder what i could have done differently. I can’t stop crying or get out of bed. I can’t get up and be a good parent or wife. I can’t do anything at all. I miss her, and this should’ve have happened and feels unreal. It all happened so fast. We have another cat (Dude) who we almost lost this year- he underwent stomach surgery, a feeding tube, and has kidney problems- but he is fine. Elmo was just fine,until she wasn’t anymore…
I can’t find peace

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello
I'm so sorry this happened. That she was pain free was a huge thing.

You must take care of yourself. Sweet Elmo would absolutely not want you to feel so badly, and Dude needs to share and shoulder your grief as well, for him and for you.

RIP darling babygirl

This is from another member Margret, it may help you;
I went to the library and searched for a book about grieving. The very first book that I found (and I’m sorry that I no longer remember either the title or the author so I’m unable to give credit where it’s due) had a whole chapter about grieving for pets, and it gave three rules or principles for grieving a pet (or anyone else). Here they are:

1. It hurts as much as it hurts. There is no right or wrong about how much the loss of a pet "should" hurt. The fact is that our pets are family members; they aren’t “just” anything; and anyone who says “It was just a cat” is demonstrating a gross lack of understanding. And the loss of a family member should be painful.
2. It takes as long as it takes. There is no set period of time within which grieving should end, not for the loss of a parent, or a child, or a spouse, or a friend, or a pet. Some people do their grieving quickly; others of us take longer, and it’s important to take whatever time you need to complete your grieving. And remember, this is still a family member we’re talking about. People who say “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your cat?” would never think of saying “It’s already been six months; don’t you think it’s time you got over the death of your mother?” No, I’m not saying that your cat was as important to you as your mother. I am saying that grief doesn’t always make that kind of fine distinction, and if you expect it to do so you’re going to be seriously confused and hurt.
3. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to cut the process short, or avoid it altogether, merely ensures that you will never complete it.

Our pets make a place for themselves in our hearts, and when they pass it leaves a hole behind. In many ways, the loss of a pet is an amputation; a part of ourselves has been removed, and we will never get that part back. But we have options about how to deal with the loss. If we acknowledge the wound and take proper care of it then it can heal cleanly, and eventually it gets better. There will always be a cat-shaped hole in our hearts, but the time comes when we can remember the cat who made that hole with more affection than pain, when his or her life is once again more important to us than her or his death.

 

[di and bob]

PLEASE, try not to blame yourself for anything, you have to have intent to have guilt, and your only intent was to love that sweet girl. The cancer is what is to blame. As fast as it was progressing, there was truly nothing that could be done.......
The shock of something such as this is overwhelming. You didn't have time to process anything properly, and though you may try to prepare yourself for what is to come, when it happens you find you are not prepared at all, and never could be. The bond of love you formed with her over the years will always be there, it is spiritual, so eternal. Nothing can break this bond of love, not even death. "Death cannot take that which never dies".
Though your heart hurts so very badly, it will in time, heal. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. Though you will always have a pang of sadness because you miss her so much, eventually the good times will replace many of the sad. Because they are so very much needed and important in your life.
Go ahead and grieve, it is important to let the pain escape. Take each hour, each day, as it comes and know that she lives through you now and will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers, The new path she now follows will always be tied to your own. She is at peace because she has your love, and would want you to go into the future and live it as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go. Because that is what we all want for someone we love.
At times like these, I always try to remember "Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened."
I feel your pain, I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. We are here at this site to prove that there IS life after a death, you will gather strength through your pain, we are always here to help you. Remember, one day at a time......RIP sweet Elmo. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I’m so sorry.

We always feel such guilt when they go. I should have known, should have seen, should have, should have. Should have let them go sooner, should have done more ... when we’re not medical experts and oftentimes the actual vets don’t, or can’t, catch the ailment in time, or help. My Katie passed at 13 from cancer, only two weeks after her diagnosis.

This wretched disease catches us so often, and our darling babies can’t tell us they feel ill (and are so good at masking it when they do). Please do not blame yourself. You need to get better, for your own sake and Dude’s, and you need time to grieve. RIP Elmo.

 

[DudeandElmo]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies I will try to be stronger for our other cats and for Elmo. It has been so maddening going back and forth and obsessing over details. I can’t accept that my sweet kitty is actually gone, and I keep screaming at myself in my head that I should have insisted to take the first bump more seriously than what we were told. Maybe she would still be here.

My 5 year old is an only child- she loves cats so much. She has been so quiet since it happened- I can tell she is upset, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge that she’s gone, either. I feel so bad that she is without her beloved friend now. My husband and i have had two miscarriages this year, and our cats are almost like siblings to my daughter, the way she sees them.
I don’t know how to forgive myself.

 

[DudeandElmo]

We had also noticed the year, for the first time, Elmo would occasionally have a lack of appetite or stomach sensitivity, which she never ever had before. She even was in the ER for anorexia back in May/June, and they ran tests and just assumed she had an upset stomach. I wonder if this was all getting to her. But otherwise, she had been acting completely normal since then, besides those bumps.

 

[Furballsmom]

Oh honey, my word, you've really been through the wringer!!

Would your girl be interested in volunteering (if a shelter would allow it w/an adult), or even fostering ?

Is there someone, either religious or professional, that you could talk to?

 

[DudeandElmo]

Those are great suggestions. I’m sure she would love to volunteer with other kitties. Thank you again so much for all your help. I do feel like I may need to find someone to talk to soon, because it does feel like I do not know how to cope now. It feels like too much.

A strange thing happened yesterday morning, just before we took Elmo to the vet. Our third cat, Pawl (who we adopted a couple months ago from the shelter), accidentally broke Elmo’s ceramic food bowl. She had had that bowl for years. I felt like this was strange to happen right before her appointment, and it made me a little nervous.
Then my daughter decided to make a replica of the food dish, out of paper, for Elmo. It looks so sweet and is sitting on top of our dining roof shelf.

 

[DudeandElmo]

*dining room shelf

 

[Furballsmom]

it made me a little nervous.

I don't blame you! But how darling of your daughter to do that - she sounds talented

Are the cats ok? Do they need some Cat Music? There's RelaxMyCat .com, MusicForCats .com and spotify and other sources including Alexa, youtube and google (search: music to relax my cat) have harp et al music for cats.

 

[Mighty Orange]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Do not blame yourself. I went down the cancer train with my cat sam. But his cancer was lung cancer. I kept him alive with mushrooms 2 times a day for 19 months. He was expected to pass at 6 months. It sounds like your Elmo went on his own time maybe that is best.

We tend to put a cat through a lot of misery and pain because we do not want to let go. I sometimes wonder if I did that to sam.

 

[DudeandElmo]

I’m so sorry for your loss, too It seems so unfair that these terrible things happen to our innocent kitties. I appreciate your reply and comforting words

 

[DudeandElmo]

Furballsmom, thank you for the music suggestions! They do seem to respond well to music.

 

[tbroox]

I'm so sorry Elmo's mom/dad. I was feeling sad today about my special kitty who died 2 years ago. I know it just hurts so bad, but it sounds to me like you gave Elmo a lot of love and the best possible life while she was here, and that's what counts.

 

[DudeandElmo]

Thank you so much, tbroox I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you have a happier day tomorrow

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Elmo, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your family's hearts forever.

Please remember this...while your guilt is so human, it is misplaced. You did the very best you knew. You took her to a vet. It may be that at that point, it was so early that he had no reason to suspect anything dire. With the best will in the world, sometimes these things happen. Regardless, Elmo lived, breathed and had her being wrapped in the love of her family. She was secure in that love, and it never left her for one moment as she took those first steps through the gate between this Adventure and her Next Great Adventure. Now, from her new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you all, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you all down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[DudeandElmo]

Mamanyt1953, what beautiful and comforting words. Thank you. Elmo was so loved by her family. We’ll always love her so much

 

[Maria Bayote]

Do not beat yourself up. This is not your fault. Many of us here have experienced such guilt due to deep grief. Please hang in there. Your kitty Elmo would not want you to feel this way.

If you need anyone to talk to, I am here. Just send a message or two.

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[cassiopea]

Sincere condolences These things are never easy, and you are not alone in dealing with them. Lot's of love and support coming you way As others have mentioned, it is not your fault. You sound like you were an amazing owner and Elmo definitely won the lottery with you.


Cats are also pretty good at hiding discomfort or illness too. They could accidently swallow a T-Rex and pretend everything is honky dory! Maybe she didn't want you to worry either.

 

[DudeandElmo]

Thank you both so much for the kind messages. I will definitely reach out if I feel I need to, and I appreciate that so much. For some reason, today has been somehow more painful than yesterday. I feel more aware…that this is real. Elmo was such a unique and funny cat, with so many quirks. She has always been such an important presence in our lives. I feel sick to my stomach with grief. I appreciate the responses from you all so much; I genuinely don’t know how I’d be trying to get through this without you. It seems hard to find many people who understand the depth of this pain. I feel more grief than I’ve ever felt from any loss. I just want to be with her. Thank you again for your replies