- Joined
- May 16, 2014
- Messages
- 95
- Purraise
- 143
Could use some perspective on this - long and terrible story. My elderly, ailing, mother with dementia has had a lovely, sedate gray cat we call Lady Z. I live 2000 miles away. In the last five months, my mother has had a fall and a hospitalization. In the course of this, we have realized that my mother is no longer able to care for herself, her house, or her cat. She hadn’t been able to clean the litter box for months. She would crate Z for hours at a time because she was afraid she might slip out the door. The house is filthy, with urine and feces on the floor. She cannot drive, and had no cat food.
Both I and my brother (who lives in Europe) went out to try to help. Mom furiously refused any home help, meal service, Chewy, etc., insisting she was “fine.” She was not. She developed a septic infection and it took a 911 call to get her into the hospital. Her neighbor reported that Z had been left in a crate without food or water for 12 hours, in 90 degree heat because Mom never got her cooler serviced (she lives in Arizona). I drove out there while Mom was hospitalized and brought Z home with me, where she is happy, thriving, clean, fed, vaccinated (in 9 years, she had never had any vet care), and loved.
We were able to get Mom into a quality assisted living facility, where she is doing much better, but her dementia, anxiety, and general frailty are still significant. After 5 weeks there, she is now demanding to “go back home” and she wants Z back. The facility would allow a pet there, and for a fee they would see that Z had food and the litter box cleaned. It it clear to everyone that Mom is NOT able to live safely alone. But she is now saying that she’d “consider” staying there permanently if I will bring her cat back. I do not want to do that, and it upsets me a LOT that she is using Z as a pawn in this. Mom has fought us tooth and nail over every effort to help her.
As we scrambled to get aid and care for her, she told everyone we were stealing her life, trying to swindle her out of her house, and that I have become this bossy controlling monster because I tried to prevent her - and Z - from dying alone in a nearly uninhabitable house. It should be said that Mom also had a small dog, whose toenails were grown back into her pads, and who had lost a significant amount of weight because Mom was feeding her less (when she remembered to) ”so maybe she wouldn’t poop so much.”
Luckily, we got rescue involved and the dog is doing wonderfully in expert, loving care - this after Mom repeatedly asked me to euthanize her because “she’d be better off dead than with anyone else.” You can see why I stepped in and got them out, I think. Anyway, the facility is - naturally - urging Mom to stay with them, and we kids agree it is the correct solution. They think she would more readily agree if Z were part of the equation.
I told them this was a very hot button, and I was NOT comfortable with making Z’s life contingent on my mother’s demands. This poor cat was subject to neglect and poor care because of my mother’s inability to care for her. Both my mother and the cat are now safely and healthily housed, and it’s my heartfelt opinion that it ought to stay that way, and that risking Z’s ongoing happiness and safety is not something I’m willing to do.
My mother will never speak to me again no matter what I do, and to be honest, I’m okay with that. Thoughts? Please be kind - I’ve been living a nightmare for five months and it’s burned me down to a stub. Thank you…
Both I and my brother (who lives in Europe) went out to try to help. Mom furiously refused any home help, meal service, Chewy, etc., insisting she was “fine.” She was not. She developed a septic infection and it took a 911 call to get her into the hospital. Her neighbor reported that Z had been left in a crate without food or water for 12 hours, in 90 degree heat because Mom never got her cooler serviced (she lives in Arizona). I drove out there while Mom was hospitalized and brought Z home with me, where she is happy, thriving, clean, fed, vaccinated (in 9 years, she had never had any vet care), and loved.
We were able to get Mom into a quality assisted living facility, where she is doing much better, but her dementia, anxiety, and general frailty are still significant. After 5 weeks there, she is now demanding to “go back home” and she wants Z back. The facility would allow a pet there, and for a fee they would see that Z had food and the litter box cleaned. It it clear to everyone that Mom is NOT able to live safely alone. But she is now saying that she’d “consider” staying there permanently if I will bring her cat back. I do not want to do that, and it upsets me a LOT that she is using Z as a pawn in this. Mom has fought us tooth and nail over every effort to help her.
As we scrambled to get aid and care for her, she told everyone we were stealing her life, trying to swindle her out of her house, and that I have become this bossy controlling monster because I tried to prevent her - and Z - from dying alone in a nearly uninhabitable house. It should be said that Mom also had a small dog, whose toenails were grown back into her pads, and who had lost a significant amount of weight because Mom was feeding her less (when she remembered to) ”so maybe she wouldn’t poop so much.”
Luckily, we got rescue involved and the dog is doing wonderfully in expert, loving care - this after Mom repeatedly asked me to euthanize her because “she’d be better off dead than with anyone else.” You can see why I stepped in and got them out, I think. Anyway, the facility is - naturally - urging Mom to stay with them, and we kids agree it is the correct solution. They think she would more readily agree if Z were part of the equation.
I told them this was a very hot button, and I was NOT comfortable with making Z’s life contingent on my mother’s demands. This poor cat was subject to neglect and poor care because of my mother’s inability to care for her. Both my mother and the cat are now safely and healthily housed, and it’s my heartfelt opinion that it ought to stay that way, and that risking Z’s ongoing happiness and safety is not something I’m willing to do.
My mother will never speak to me again no matter what I do, and to be honest, I’m okay with that. Thoughts? Please be kind - I’ve been living a nightmare for five months and it’s burned me down to a stub. Thank you…