Elderly parent with cat trouble

jstie

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Could use some perspective on this - long and terrible story. My elderly, ailing, mother with dementia has had a lovely, sedate gray cat we call Lady Z. I live 2000 miles away. In the last five months, my mother has had a fall and a hospitalization. In the course of this, we have realized that my mother is no longer able to care for herself, her house, or her cat. She hadn’t been able to clean the litter box for months. She would crate Z for hours at a time because she was afraid she might slip out the door. The house is filthy, with urine and feces on the floor. She cannot drive, and had no cat food.

Both I and my brother (who lives in Europe) went out to try to help. Mom furiously refused any home help, meal service, Chewy, etc., insisting she was “fine.” She was not. She developed a septic infection and it took a 911 call to get her into the hospital. Her neighbor reported that Z had been left in a crate without food or water for 12 hours, in 90 degree heat because Mom never got her cooler serviced (she lives in Arizona). I drove out there while Mom was hospitalized and brought Z home with me, where she is happy, thriving, clean, fed, vaccinated (in 9 years, she had never had any vet care), and loved.

We were able to get Mom into a quality assisted living facility, where she is doing much better, but her dementia, anxiety, and general frailty are still significant. After 5 weeks there, she is now demanding to “go back home” and she wants Z back. The facility would allow a pet there, and for a fee they would see that Z had food and the litter box cleaned. It it clear to everyone that Mom is NOT able to live safely alone. But she is now saying that she’d “consider” staying there permanently if I will bring her cat back. I do not want to do that, and it upsets me a LOT that she is using Z as a pawn in this. Mom has fought us tooth and nail over every effort to help her.

As we scrambled to get aid and care for her, she told everyone we were stealing her life, trying to swindle her out of her house, and that I have become this bossy controlling monster because I tried to prevent her - and Z - from dying alone in a nearly uninhabitable house. It should be said that Mom also had a small dog, whose toenails were grown back into her pads, and who had lost a significant amount of weight because Mom was feeding her less (when she remembered to) ”so maybe she wouldn’t poop so much.”

Luckily, we got rescue involved and the dog is doing wonderfully in expert, loving care - this after Mom repeatedly asked me to euthanize her because “she’d be better off dead than with anyone else.” You can see why I stepped in and got them out, I think. Anyway, the facility is - naturally - urging Mom to stay with them, and we kids agree it is the correct solution. They think she would more readily agree if Z were part of the equation.

I told them this was a very hot button, and I was NOT comfortable with making Z’s life contingent on my mother’s demands. This poor cat was subject to neglect and poor care because of my mother’s inability to care for her. Both my mother and the cat are now safely and healthily housed, and it’s my heartfelt opinion that it ought to stay that way, and that risking Z’s ongoing happiness and safety is not something I’m willing to do.

My mother will never speak to me again no matter what I do, and to be honest, I’m okay with that. Thoughts? Please be kind - I’ve been living a nightmare for five months and it’s burned me down to a stub. Thank you…
 

FeebysOwner

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Hi. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I personally think the facility should not be encouraging your mother against the will of her children. Maybe they should consider having a 'facility cat' under their care that could visit with patients?? I am sure they would say that would be absurd, but it is not that much different than what they are willing to do in 'allowing' your mother to have Lady Z with her. After all, how long will it be before they couldn't allow your mother to handle the cat on her own in any manner?? And, then what? I presume the facility would want you to come back to get the cat AGAIN - another 're-homing' for Lady Z so to speak. That is also absurd. Please ask them to refrain from encouraging your mother about this cat in any way shape or form. It would better if they would help your mother to 'move on'. These facilities should be used to doing things of that nature for any of their dementia patients, on a whole host of issues that can arise.

I really feel bad for your mother as she just doesn't really understand anymore - my FIL was very similar in his behavior before and even after he was placed in a care facility.
 

fionasmom

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I am sorry that you are in this difficult position and agree that Lady Z should not be given to your mother. I was in a very similar situation 7 years ago and will get right to the point of what happened. The mother of a friend who lived outside the US was diagnosed suddenly with stage 4 colon cancer, mets in the lungs and liver. She was put into hospice in a care facility....along with her silky terrier who had been her pet for the previous 10 years. Later, when I entered her house (where I had never been before) I found that she was a hoarder and that the dog had been kept in a crate for most of its life so that it would not disturb any of her "valuable" collections. As her health deteriorated, she became abusive to the dog even in the facility. She wanted it on the bed, but would kick it off, screamed at anyone who "overfed" it, and generally took her anger out on the dog. Given that I was the only contact here locally, the owner of the facility along with the hospice director both called me and told me to come and get the dog. If no one would take it, they were actually going to see if an employee or other resident would take it just to get it away from her. I did know a vet tech who was willing to foster the dog, so I removed it.....during one completely hideous scene in her room. The dog remained with the vet tech until the daughter came out and took it with her after her mother passed away.

Your mom is not well, sadly, and the Catch 22 is that her dementia, anxiety, and overall condition are not going to get better...they are going to get worse. Having the cat with her is not going to fix anything. If the staff of the facility are not vigilant about Lady Z, the cat will live a miserable life. It sounds as if, although I could be misinterpreting here, that the facility might be viewing the cat as a piece of the resolution that would let your mom become a full time permanent resident.

I would absolutely not let her have the cat.
 

AbbysMom

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So, so many hugs to you. I've been living a fairly similar story to you for a while now. Who has her power of attorney? Do you? Does anyone? How bad is the dementia, anxiety, etc? Is she in memory care? If you do not feel comfortable answering any of this on a public forum, please do not hesitate to send me a private message by clicking on my username and clicking on "Start a Conversation".

My mother's cat, who is a fairly nervous cat, moved in with my mother. It lasted two months before they called me and told me to come get the cat because my mother couldn't handle it. There were finding poop in the bed and didn't know if it was my mother or the cat, and my mother would be opening all the cans of cat food all at once and leaving them around the room. It took the cat a long time to decompress once leaving there. She was used to a whole house and then was only in a room.
 

cassiopea

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I think you are doing a great job with managing everything - and you are right to stand your ground and that they stay separated in homes and places that is best for them. It's better to deal with an upset parent than a miserable and ultimately dead pet. Z is very lucky to have you, and she should stay with you 100%.

It's unfortunate that your mother is using emotional blackmail in all of this. The facility also shouldn't push you into giving up Z either. They are the professionals, they should know how to manage this, they can proceed with encouraging your mother to receive help without needing Z as a pawn or trade in all this. Patients who demand to go home aren't exactly a new phenomena either, surely experts can handle that too. It might make their job harder but that is their job. No doubt they have proven themselves to do great things already, as your mother has improved while being there.

I agree with the previous comment that she will only get worse, not better, and the kitty won't make a difference in the long run. Uprooting Z again would be totally pointless. And obviously if she did go and live that the home, you will forever be anxious and worried for her wellbeing - all while paying an extra fee. And we also don't know how the other patients would be around the cat.

And it's ok that your mother never speaks to you again. It stinks, but it is better to live in peace and take care of yourself. Blood doesn't mean you are contractually obligated to tolerate toxic and negative behavior, and no one should force that. I presume she was a different and more positive person prior to this condition, so remember her for that only and that she isn't that same person anymore. Focus on friends and family (and your kitties!) who love and support you unconditionally. It's on her if she wants to cut people off from her life like that. You have been there for her and have done everything right to the best of your abilities, you can only push so far now. She is safe now, the cat is safe now, it's Ok.

Maybe one can think of a Z "Substitute" - A plushie cat toy or robotic pet, for instance. Apparently caregivers have reported that giving senior dementia patients stuffed animals promotes overall calm be reducing anxiety and agitation. I'm sure that is known already, but other gifts can include old classic movies or books, jig saw puzzles, activity books and so forth. This is probably a long shot considering how intense your mother is in her condition, but thought I would put it out there anyway.


I don't really have anything unique or special to add overall, just wanted to show my love and support! So sorry that you are going through this, we are all here for you :redheartpump: Thank you so much for your hard work, watching out for the care of animals and being a great pet parent!
 

Kflowers

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I don't know if this would help, it would depend on where your mother's dementia is. However, I did see some articles/TV shows about how many people in care found these almost real (okay more real than a doll, less than an android) stuffed cats a comfort. it would give your mother part of cat that she can deal with and not need what she didn't. it would also show the facility that you were trying. No, I would not let her have Lady Z. There is no promise that if something went wrong, or when your mother dies, that anyone would notice or care about getting Lady Z back to you. In my experiences with these facilaties, just refuse when they give you the option to. If they are going to insist on something they'll do it while you are saying no, absolutely not even if you're the one signing the checks.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017JQQ01A/?tag=thecatsite
 

betsygee

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Maybe one can think of a Z "Substitute" - A plushie cat toy or robotic pet, for instance. Apparently caregivers have reported that giving senior dementia patients stuffed animals promotes overall calm be reducing anxiety and agitation.
This is a good suggestion. My 92 year old mom has a real cat that's she still able to care for, but someone bought her one of these and she loves it. She says it is soothing to watch the kitty 'breathe.'
 

maggiedemi

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I would trust your instincts and keep the kitty. Maybe your mom could visit. She is unable to care for her. You did the right thing, in my opinion. Hugs.
 

Kflowers

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There is also the possibility that your mother will soon forget she had a cat. The facility should have some experience with children at a distance. You could refuse on the grounds that it would be too hard on the cat to fly her across that distance and who would pick her up at the airport?

And you should absolutely NOT fly that poor cat anywhere. She's been through enough. Oh, and you too.
 

susanm9006

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Whatever your mother threatens keep the cat with you. You and your brother should consider taking the steps to become her guardians so that she is essentially forced to stay where you place her. The assisted living facility and her doctor should be able to assist with documenting that she is no longer able to make decisions for herself.
 

Tobermory

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I won’t repeat what everyone else has said (I agree with it), but I will add that I became quite worried about the possibility of my mom tripping on her kitty and falling. Another woman in her assisted living community did, in fact, fall, and while she was okay, she fell on her cat and it had to be put to sleep. :( Mom’s kitty was elderly and crossed the Bridge before things got bad, but she missed Emily so much that I bought her one of these: Companion Pet Cat. She knew it wasn’t real, but she named it, talked to it, petted it, slept with it. She found it quite comforting. I bought a second one for the AL residents to share, and they loved it!
 

MoochNNoodles

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You’ve already had so much good advice here. I will just add that your description of your mother’s behavior and situation are so typical of dementia which almost always seems to have an anxiety component. It changes people so much. It must be terrifying for them to experience and they lash out.

I agree that bringing/sending Z to your mother is not in anyone’s best interest right now. My grandmother struggled with having to stay in her nursing home; even though my aunt was the office manager and literally down the hall every day. She said some awful things and even came up with some wild stories she seemed to think were true. It helped me to remind myself that it was the disease talking; not my Gram. Everyone had to come to terms with the hard things being the right things to do. My heart goes out to you as you are dealing with this!
 

muffy

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I'm in assisted living because I can't walk, not because I have dementia. I have a cat but I decided to let my sister take him. I would love to have him here with me but that would not be fair to him. We are allowed to have cats but you have to be able to feed them and clean their boxes. He is feral and he would escape my room every time the door is opened and I would never be able to catch him.

Before I came here another resident brought her cat here and it did not end well. She had dementia and did not feed the cat. They say no one helped her and the cat died.

I have a new room mate and her daughter is thinking about getting a cat for her mother. As much as I would love to have a new cat in my life I don't think it would be a good idea for the cat. She is 93 years old and has dementia. She can barely feed herself much less another living creature. It would be hard for me to care for another cat and to be truthful I don't want the responsibilty.
 
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Kflowers

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muffy muffy , I hope your roommate's daughter listens to you about what happened to the other cat there. You should not take on the responsibility for a new cat, explain you gave up your beloved cat because you couldn't do it, and if the new cat starves it will be the daughter's fault and her mother will grieve. This would be an excellent person to get one of the plush robot cats for (see above.) Perhaps the daughter will do that. I really hope they treat the patients better than they did the poor cat.
 

susanm9006

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I'm in assisted living because I can't walk, not because I have dementia. I have a cat but I decided to let my sister take him. I would love to have him here with me but that would not be fair to him. We are allowed to have cats but you have to be able to feed them and clean their boxes. He is feral and he would escape my room every time the door is opened and I would never be able to catch him.

Before I came here another resident brought her cat here and it did not end well. She had dementia and did not feed the cat. They say no one helped her and the cat died.

I have a new room mate and her daughter is thinking about getting a cat for her mother. As much as I would love to have a new cat in my life I don't think it would be a good idea for the cat. She is 93 years old and has dementia. She can barely feed herself much less another living creature. It would be hard for me to care for another cat and to be truthful I don't want the responsibilty.
I would hope that before they allow a cat in a shared room that both roommates have to agree. I would,have that talk with your administrators now so that if the daughter insists on having a cat for her mom, it is in a different room. I would also let the daughter know how you feel.
 

muffy

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muffy muffy , I hope your roommate's daughter listens to you about what happened to the other cat there. You should not take on the responsibility for a new cat, explain you gave up your beloved cat because you couldn't do it, and if the new cat starves it will be the daughter's fault and her mother will grieve. This would be an excellent person to get one of the plush robot cats for (see above.) Perhaps the daughter will do that. I really hope they treat the patients better than they did the poor cat.
She has not mentioned getting her a cat lately but I'll mention it to her next time I see her. Both her and her brother are very nice so maybe they will listen. I will mention the robot cat to her. It might be helpful for a elderly person. A coworker gave one to me when I already had 8 healthy cats. I had never seen one before and didn't know what I was suppose to with it. I thought it was morbid.
I would hope that before they allow a cat in a shared room that both roommates have to agree. I would,have that talk with your administrators now so that if the daughter insists on having a cat for her mom, it is in a different room. I would also let the daughter know how you feel.
We have seperate bed rooms but we share a kitchenette and bathroom. I hope she cannot get a cat unless I agree to it. The daughter knows how I feel about it and I think she will listen to reason. Anyway I would not stand by and let any harm come to the kitty.

Why was the name of the thread change when I posted here? I was not trying to hijack the thread.
 

Margot Lane

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Excellent advice, all! This is why -now while I’m lucid- I have in my will $ for the cat’s health bills, a place for it to go if it goes first (not likely to happen, but still) and a way to get it there. Jstie it does stink your mom won’t speak to you, but hopefully she was not always like this…it‘s the dementia, not her. Try to remember the good times. Get rest if you can and -wow- what a strong person you are! Lady Z is very lucky to have you on her side.
 

Kflowers

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muffy muffy wishing you well on this. the part where your co-worker gave you one of the robot cats brought back memories. When I had a houseful of cats people kept giving me stuff with cats on it. I couldn't understand it, I had plenty of cats running around. But, I think the co-worker thought of the robot cat as a doll. I know my cats enjoyed having dolls - soft cloth ones in the shape of people. (this was because i could make people shaped dolls and the cat shaped ones looked like balls.)
 

muffy

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I wish now that I donated it to the assisted living place near me. I looked up the cost of them on Amazon and they are now 124.00. I had no idea they cost that much. I could have used that money to buy food for my feral colony. My cats wanted nothing to do with it.
 
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