Cat changed her mind about my boyfriend? Help!

[susan rush]

Hi!

I'm having some issues with my 2 yr old cat, Lua. First, I have two, a 7 yr old and Lua. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now and in the beginning, Lua loved him. Would lay in bed with him, snuggle with him, and we even joked that she wanted to date him.

About a month and a half ago, I brought home a stuffed cat my bf won me at an amusement park. Lua HATED this toy, but this in conjunction with him playing some cat noises from the app Cat Piano, and she's apparently turned. Now she goes into hiding when he's around, she poops on his stuff and she acts like a totally different cat when he's around versus when it's just me. 

My 7yr old is fine with him and loves all over him. Any reason why Lua would still hold on to the grudge and what I can do to stop it? The problem is going to be 10x exasperated because she was hiding from him IN his backpack, and he unknowingly took her home, so now she's flipping out being at his house, in his smell, with me not there.

Any advice is much appreciated!! Thanks!

 

[catspaw66]

He has scared her and violated her trust in him. He needs to stop playing the app when he is near her, take the stuffed toy out of your house and will have to work to gain back her trust.

The first thing that needs to be done is bring her back to your house. The longer she is with him, the more her behavior is going to deteriorate and the longer it is going to take to get her back to the way she was.

When she is back in your house, let us know and we can start advising him how to gain back her trust.

 

[sparklexo]

My cat hated my mom (she doesn't like anyone who loves me, it's like competition to her) but we got my mom to offer her favorite treats.. slowly but surely she started to associate her with tasty food and now she likes her. Maybe try that? Like a positive association thing? Is it really because of the cat piano app or have her feelings changed because he's around a lot more than in the beginning? Maybe she feels territorial? Also, sometimes guys are loud in the way they walk/talk/behave... like my cat doesn't particularly like males around because she's used to me being super quiet and light footed around the house when it's just us. If your boyfriend is loud around her (ie playing the cat noises, or watching tv or playing music when he's over) that could be another reason.

 

[susan rush]

So he got her home an hour after she discovered her there. She was a MESS. Almost catatonic state, pupils un-evenly dialated. Called her vet and she said she would be out of it for 24-48hrs, and she was. She slowly came back and yesterday she would play, lay in bed with me and was back to her cheery self until he came over, then she ran and hid.

He is actually over less now than he was because of scheduling conflicts. He's not allowed to play the cat piano app and the stuffed cat is gone. He's louder than me, but my roommate is super loud and that's never bothered her. I guess what really has me feeling for her is she is such a nurturing girl. She may hide when people come over but she'll eventually comes out and she doesn't hate them.

He's tried being the primary person to give her treats and her canned food but she won't eat if he's around, and since the backpack incident, she's nipped him which is not at all like her. I have an appt with her vet but I can't think of what he would have done to scare her. Should he be making himself so known with her? Sometimes I'll try to have her in the room with us so we're more confined but should I wait for her to come around on her own? 

 

[catspaw66]

No, he should leave her alone. If you don't let her come around on her own, she will keep getting worse and worse. You should not even bring her into the room with him. You may have litterbox issues, aggression at everyone and Lulu going catatonic again for a long time. She is severely traumitized and on the border of catly psychosis.

I hate to give you that advice, but if you want Lulu as your cat, you have to let her do things her way.

 

[susan rush]

That's what I was afraid of. She's such a sweet girl, so it's heartbreaking that this happened to her. She's finally back to her old self around me, and I've been keeping her litter box super clean, so I'll take your advice and keep them separate for a while. Thanks for writing, I really appreciate it. I just want her happy again, so I'll do whatever!

 

[agentspooky]

Oh, wow. Poor Lulu. I wouldn't try to make her have any contact with your boyfriend, but maybe he could try putting some treats/food out for her (saying "Lulu, look what I've got", and then just leaving them there), bringing her a new toy, and just generally being really calm and nice toward her (without trying to pet her or go near her at this point). Over time she may change her mind back.
 

 

[susan rush]

Thanks, Agent! The treats idea is a really good one. He's been giving them to her but she just shuts down when he's in the room, so I'll try having him put them down and walk away for her to see, then her eat them. Her vet appt is on Wednesday, so I always want to make sure she has no damage from both the incident or anything else that could be causing her such distress. 

 

[katluver4life]

I definitely agree that the trauma is still too new and she needs time for it to be a distant memory.

On HER terms he can slowly reintroduce himself to her. Let him put her food down and walk away. Slowly working up to putting her food down and just stepping back, then to putting it down and just sitting with her. Hopefully she allows it to get to that point. Once she allows him near, he can offer play with using an interactive toy that still allows him to keep a bit of distance, one such as the Da-bird works well. It has a VERY long stick and string. Time and patience is what is needed.

Perhaps the use af a few feliway diffusers will help bring her stress level down. Worth a try. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[flintmccullough]

First-you-have-to-figure-out,how/why-this-happened,so-it-can-be-corrected,and-so-it-doesn't-happen-again.

Before-this-happened,was-your-bf-ever-alone-with-Luna,even-for-a-minute?

Was-is-the-Cat-Piano?What-kind-of-noises-does-it-make?

The-stuffed-toy,coming-from-an-amusement-park,most-likely,had-a-lot-of-different-smells-on-it.

I-am-not-understanding,how-someone-could-not-notice-a-live-kitty-in-a-backpack,if-nothing-else,one-would-surely-notice-the-difference-in-weight,when-it-was-picked-up.I-also-don't-understand,how-one-could-not-know-where-both-kitties-are,and-not-notice,one-is-missing,especially,with-a-person,leaving-the-house.

I-feel-like-part-of-the-story-is-missing,or-something-else-happened-that-you-might-not-be-aware-of.They-just-don't-turn-that-fast.

 

[chloespriestess]

I tend to agree with FlintMcCullough. It seems a bit strange and her reaction is way over the top. I have seen cats change opinions about people but not like this and this quickly.

You might think this sounds crazy, (or you may think I am) but one thing you can do is ask Lua. What I mean is, sit quietly with her-just you and her without your boyfriend-and as you gently stroke her, ask her what it is that she does not like about him. Tell her (out loud or in your "mind's voice") that you love her no matter what, that you won't judge her for feeling the way she does, but you would like to know why so that you can make it better for her, and no matter what she tells you, you won't be angry with her. Keep an open mind. You might have to do it a few times for her to "open up". She will tell you eventually as long as you ask her out of love and kindness.  

 

[flintmccullough]

Chloespriestess-is-right.I-know-what-they-want,I-know-when-they-are-upset-about-something,and-I-know,what,they-are-upset-about.

I-know-this,by-how-they-act,by-their-expression-on-their-faces,by-their-body-language,and-the-different-sounds-they-make.They-react-differently,to-different-types-of-people-that-come-in-the-house,and-I-know,why.I-am-very-good-at-reading-people,and-what-their-"outlook"-or-"attitude"-is-towards-cats.

And.......cats-excell,at-reading-people-too,their-body-language,and-their-expressions,how-they-talk,how-they-act,etc.

Thats-why-I-know,part-of-this-story-is-missing,or-the-bf-did-something-to-the-kitty,that-Susan-may-or-may-not-be-aware-of.

In-most-circumstances,kitties-will-quickly-forgive,depending-on-what-was-done.I-accidently-stepped-on-his-tail,he-cried-and-ran-in-the-other-room.I-could-tell-by-the-expression-on-his-face,I-hurt-his-feelings.I-told-him-it-was-an-accident,and-how-sorry-I-was,and-could-he-forgive-me.Almost-instantly,the-expression-changed,he-forgave-me-and-he-told-me-he-still-loved-his-mommy.

 

[susan rush]

First, I didn't think of diffusers, that's a good idea.

And the backpack....I know, I don't understand how the weight wasn't felt. She weighs about 12-13lbs and he said she sunk to the bottom and since he usually doesn't carry his laptop, he attributed the extra weight to that. I dunno. The morning it happened, I came back into the bedroom after my shower and she jumped out of the backpack, I had no idea she could even fit in there. I got ready and left, and I always say bye to Lua and Whitney before I go. When I left they were downstairs in the kitchen and he was upstairs brushing his teeth, then he packed up his stuff and left. From what I can surmise, she darted back upstairs and back into the bag when I left and he was in the bathroom, and he literally just zipped it up, grabbed his things and left.

There's definitely something more to the story and I have been consoling her and trying to comfort her and get some idea of what's going on. He's really only ever there when I'm there at night (we work different shifts), so I feel like if something happened, I'd hear or know. My other cat, Whitney, adores him and she usually doesn't take to other people too well. 

Who is home all day is my roommate and her boyfriend. I'm pretty quiet and reserved, I don't pick up my cats unless they need to be moved (I let them come to me which they do) and something my girls do not like, I don't "toss" my cats knowing they land on their feet. Like, if they are on the table, I brush them down or set them down. My roommate is sorta the opposite with her cat, she doesn't abuse her cat by any means but I worry that she or her boyfriend handled Lua like she does her cat, and I'm extremely gentle with my girls. Which wouldn't explain Lua's complete 180 to my boyfriend in the last few weeks, but she's only ever home with her when I'm not home.

The cat piano app makes realistic cat noises like alley cats. Almost...whiny? Whitney didn't pay any attention to it, Lua was the only one freaked by it, and it was gone as soon as I saw how it made her feel. I guess what's puzzling me most is her reaction; I can't tell if she's scared of him, angry with him or stressed out by him. I've been giving her extra attention, especially since this happened, limited when the bf comes over, and when he is here, I make sure she's in a spot that allows her to hide and feel safe and go unnoticed while he's there.

I'm going to try talking to her tonight. I just so badly want her to feel better and happy again. She plays fetch and has started playing again, so my sweet girl is slowing coming back around. She's really familiar with my mom and dad, so I thought about taking her there for a couple of weeks and letting her de-stress and see if some separation will help, but they live too far for me to stay there during the work week and I don't want her to feel abandoned. 

Thank you again, everyone, for all of your input. It's greatly appreciated and I'm learning a lot.

 

[chloespriestess]

Regarding your boyfriend accidentally taking Lua home, from the way you explained, now I can see it's quite possible-he wasn't looking for her, so how would he know.

But a thought occurred to me. Lua crawled into his bag after whatever it was that made her upset with your boyfriend, did she not? So, she is still OK with his scent. Often, when cats pee/poo on someone's belongings (provided there is no health issues that may contribute to inappropriate elimination habits) it's to do with territory-they feel insecure about what is "theirs" and do that to make what they deem "theirs" undeniably so. (In their nose anyway.) Lua thinks "Keyboard App Cats" are here to steal your boyfriend (the scent of your boyfriend =nice feeling). In fact, she knew they were on their way; she has smelled them on the stuffed animal before (the scent of different hands etc. that touched it before it entered your household)...and they are here! They are meowing and taunting her!

Here is what I think: Lua thinks your boyfriend, or  more precisely, the sight of him is the evil "Keyboard App Cats" (the stuffed animal represented the body).

Of course, I'm guessing all this, but the following steps will help "re-introduce" your boyfriend.

What you can do is to leave an old T-shirt of your boyfriend where she likes to sleep (that is, if it does not upset her) for a week or so while she has limited contact with him. Then, have her interact with him "unseen". You can do this with a closed door; have your boyfriend play with her through the space under it. Have him talk to her quietly and let her sniff at his hand (If she is not likely to attack his hand through the space, of course.) On the third week, if she allows, Increase the contact by opening the door just a little bit, and continue the play routine through the opening. As soon as she gets agitated, go back to the previous step. Quit the play session while she is still wanting. Adjust any of these steps as necessary.

An inexpensive bamboo back scratcher is also useful. Get her to become familiar with it by gently stroking her with it (handle the business end first so she feels familiar with it), then have your boyfriend handle it (he can use it to scratch his own back) so the scent will mingle. When she is more comfortable with the sight of your boyfriend, he can hold the scratcher to her (but don't try to scratch her with it yet), then eventually scratching just the head, then back, etc., one week per part.

The process sounds excruciatingly slow, but do keep in mind that taking too slow is always better than taking it too fast when it comes to cats.

Again, if, for any reason, she gets upset, cut the session short, and go back a step. Everything in slow motion, and no sudden moves.

You can use "the conversation" in conjunction to these.

I don't know Lua's personality, but if she is a bit on the shy side as I guess her to be, she might prefer things to be same/steady/unchallenged. Whitney seems more easy going. She probably tolerates changes more readily, doesn't she? So maybe that's why Whitney wasn't fazed by the "App Cats". (Some cats don't "get" electronics either.)

Good-luck, keep us posted!

 

[flintmccullough]

I-think-Chloespriestess-has--a-pretty-good-explanation,of-what-prob-happened,and-some-good-ideas.Like-she-said,you-have-to-progress-at-Luna's-pace.

Still-it-bothers-me-that-she-turned-so-fast,and-that-it-didn't-bother-Whitney.

Where-did-you-get-Luna-from,and-how-long-have-you-had-her?

Hey,another-thought,can-you-try-to-better-describe,what-the-sounds-are-like,I-kinda-have-an-idea-forming,LOL,as-I-was-sitting-here-thinking,none-of-that-would-have-bothered-my-kitties,Whitney-neither,but-why-Luna.Or-is-there-somewhere-on-the-internet,I-can-hear-the-sounds?

edited-to-add.....are-Whitney-and-Luna-both-spayed?

 

[susan rush]

Chloespriestess, you might be a cat genius. This makes total sense. I had never thought to connect that she obviously doesn't mind his smell, it's more of when she hears him coming that she flips a little. I'm absolutely going to take your suggestions to practice here, thank you!

This is the cat piano app   looks like lua isn't the only one bugged by it as this cat is attacking the owners leg. I wish I had known about this before it started playing. (y'all may want to make sure your fur babies don't hear this when you play it). 

Lua was taken in from outside. Both my girls were. Lua though, when she was a baby, was living under my parents shed and they didn't know it. She was abandoned by her mama and when my parents noticed the garbage gone through, they set up their security cameras and found this 3-ish month old kitten digging through. It was two summers ago, so since it was nice out, they started leaving out food dishes for her, trying to coax her out from the shed. Then they noticed through the cameras that two nights in a row, a bigger cat would come in the yard at night, attack lua, eat all her food then leave. So my mom asked if I wanted to come take her because otherwise she was going to the humane society in hopes of finding a better home. I took her and we bonded immediately. All night long I woke up to her cleaning my head, purring and cuddling up on my chest or neck and she's been pretty inseparable since. Both are spayed and have been since 4-5 months, before their first heat.

Maybe that's also why the cat app scared her so bad, maybe it brought back some unpleasant memories?

 

[flintmccullough]

LOL

Problem-solved.

I-played-it-at-full-volume,for-my-kitties,wanted-to-see-how-they-would-react,as-they-are-show-kitties,and-taught-to-accept-any-situation,because-they-know,mommy-keeps-them-safe,and-they-came-from-a-breeder,at-8-weeks-old,so-never-been-thru-what-Luna-has.They-all-came-running,wanting-to-know-where-the-kitty-was,looking-around,like-our-mommy-is-going-to-protect-us,that-bady-kitty-can't-get-us.When-I-shut-it-off,they-said,kitty-all-gone,mommy-took-care-of-him,and-went-back-to-their-nappys.

That-sound-is-of-a-kitty-"warning"-of-pending-attack.

Thats-why-it-freaked-out-Luna,because-of-what-she-went-thru-as-a-kitten,having-to-fight-for-food,fight-for-survival,who-knows-what-happened-to-her,before-your-parents-found-her,then-having-that-big-kitty,most-likely-a-tom,beat-the-crap-out-of-her.That-sound-reminded-her-of-what-happened-to-her-by-that-big-kitty.

Thats-why-that-black-kitty-in-the-video,reacted,like-he-did,you-see-he-tried-to-bite-the-human,and-chased-the-human,around-the-house,while-the-human-was-holding-the-phone.To-that-kitty,the-human-was-making-the-sounds,and-the-human,was-warning-of-impending-attack,and-thats-why-that-kitty-hissed-at-the-human.

Thats-exactly,what-happened-with-Luna,your-bf-was-the-kitty-threatening-her,the-same-kitty-that-beat-the-crap-out-of-her,thats-why-she-was-so-hysterical-about-it,and-thats-why-she-is-suddenly-afraid-of-your-bf.

Thats-also-exactly,why,it-didn't-upset-Whitney,any-more-than-it-upset-mine,they-never-been-thru-what-Luna-has,and-mine-know-I-am-their-protector.

Luna-just-has-to-learn-to-trust-your-bf-again,and-give-her-all-the-time-she-needs.

Glad-we-got-that-figured-out,LOL.Whenever-there-is-an-behavioral-issue,one-has-to-figure-out-what-caused-it,to-be-able-to-correct-it,and-with-animals,even-tho-they-are-telling-us,we-have-to-figure-out-what-they-are-saying,and-sometimes,it-takes-a-bit-of-detective-work.Luna-told-you-from-day-one,but-you-and-we-just-had-to-get-the-whole-story,LOL,and-figure-out,what-she-is-trying-to-tell-us.

Your-bf-owes-Luna-a-heartfelt-apology,if-he-tells-her,she-will-listen,and-forgive-him.

Please-let-us-know-how-Luna-is-progressing.

 

[susan rush]

I will! I really am grateful for everyone and their comments, it's nice to talk to others about my cats and not feel judged! Ya'll are truly awesome and I will absolutely keep you updated on her progress. 

And that does make sense why Whitney didn't react as harshly. She was found in a bush when she was 5-6wks old with no mama and my sister took her in. That lasted a week as my sister found out shortly after she was pregnant and asked me if I wanted her, and we've been together ever since. Lua is my baby but Whitney is my best friend, I guess she's always known I'd protect her because she never had to protect herself like Lua.

thanks again everyone! I will keep you updated!  

 

[sivyaleah]

FYI - I just played it also.  Casper, who was raised by people from kittenhood didn't react at all.

Cocoa, came right over and was all ears.  She looked VERY concerned and agitated, for her.  Cocoa, is a rescue; had been living on the streets for an undetermined amount of time although we all suspect she was someone's pet at some point in her life, as she is far too well socialized to have been feral at all.

I turned it off about 30 seconds into it; did not want to upset her more than necessary.

 

[chloespriestess]

I think all the events (the new boyfriend-Lua liked him, but it's still a change-the stuffed animal that stayed in her territory even for a short time, the App Cats; all that, on top of whatever the small "changes" she deals with everyday that may not seem like a big deal to us (i.e. delivery people, grocery bags coming in, you coming home with unfamiliar smell from a place you haven't been to before, new furniture, etc.) in the past 3 months were a little too much for Lua. She definitely does not want to "share" her things-and most of all, you-with just anyone. I think she liked your boyfriend right away because she saw you being OK with him and she smelled you on his clothes, etc. You probably brought home his scent on your clothes prior to the first face à face, so that acted as "slow introduction". Female (and sometimes male) cats often show strong attachment to boyfriends also. (Men are also warmer than women.)

If it helps, your boyfriend can wear slippers instead of street shoes inside of your house. It will make his footsteps a little softer and not so threatening to Lua. She can still feel him coming toward her from the floor vibration, so she will have enough warning still to get away if she wants. If you use "magic word" when you go by her, like, "It's OK, Lua, it's me" etc., you can teach him to do the same, in order to let her know it's not "the monster" barreling toward her to "get" her. Even if she still runs hearing it, it will help her get used to him.

Good-luck! You and your kitties seem to understand each other really well; they are lucky to have you.