Adoption Guilt

[DizzyLizzy2187]

Hello! I posted on here a few weeks ago asking for advice and shocker of all shockers, I am on here again looking for advice. So some of you very lovely and kind people are aware that I very recently had a failed adoption. Took a cat home, cat was great for a week, cat decided to start attacking me randomly and pretty relentlessly, worked with shelter and vet to no avail, had to return the cat and ended up feeling like complete garbage. Side note, for those of you that are aware of the whole story, the cat wasn't even back a full 2 weeks at the shelter and she is up for adoption again and her description is literally the exact same, all that is added is that, "Like most cats, she is 99% sweet and 1% feisty." What!?!? I know you won't advertise upfront that she has some aggression, but it doesnt even seem like made any attempt to figure out what was triggering her.

Anyway, my question is, when looking to adopt a cat, do any of you ever feel guilty about NOT taking a cat home? Like, maybe it just doesn't seem like a right fit or whatever, but you just decide they're not the cat for you. A former co-worker is fostering cats, kind of getting a rescue going, and I met one of her cats and she seemed like a sweet girl, but she didn't really seem to have much of a personality so it didn't necessarily feel like a fit so I told the woman I would think about it but I just feel horrible about not taking a cat! I feel like no matter what I would love the cat because she's a living creature and I am an animal lover through and through, but it was hard to tell if this would be a good fit and I am concerned about their being potential health issues. My co-worker rescued the cat from a kill shelter and she came with a brother she bonded with, both came very sick I guess and the brother didn't make it. My mom was asking what happened and they said they took the cat to the vet and the vet said the cat was just experiencing stress from being in a new place and eating a new diet (diarrhea, vomiting, and not eating were the symptoms I guess), which is very possible. But that happened over a year ago and they said the cat is still stressed from losing her brother and that is why she is so shy. They had her in a crate and when asked if she could come out they said no because she would get lost because she hides. When I was petting her she just kind of sat there and didn't really respond. She didn't shy away from me but she didn't purr or lean into it like she enjoyed it. I am worried because if she is sick, I don't know if I can knowingly take on a cat that is sick right now (obviously if I got a cat and something happened I would care for them) and if she is just that....quiet, I don't know if that would be a good fit for me because I am used to having pretty friendly cats and I feel so horribly selfish but I really want a cat that is cuddly and likes to be near me. I just don't know, this is all done out of their home so I would think that she would be either a little more outgoing cause it is her territory or for that very same reason would have responded in a more stressed/anxious manner. I dont know, am I just a terrible human being?

 

[verna davies]

It's really hard to find that 'perfect fit' cat. When I have adopted I always see at least one I think I would like to take home but something always stops me.
Go with your gut feeling, I get the impression you think this one is not right for you. She will be right for someone. Keep looking, keep an open mind and you will just know when you find your cat.

 

[DizzyLizzy2187]

It's really hard to find that 'perfect fit' cat. When I have adopted I always see at least one I think I would like to take home but something always stops me.
Go with your gut feeling, I get the impression you think this one is not right for you. She will be right for someone. Keep looking, keep an open mind and you will just know when you find your cat.

Thank you for your response! It's just so hard because our other cats borderline fell into our laps. One of them we basically inherited from my sister's ex-boyfriend, one was my grandmothers cat before she passed, and our other three we came home with when we weren't really looking for a cat. My two came home with me after going to the shelter to adopt a rabbit, seeing there weren't any and then taking a stroll through the cat section and happening upon two of the most beautiful and friendliest ginger cats I have ever met. Our other cat was scooped up by my mom because she just thought he was so handsome and she had a feeling he had a big personality. I have never had to go through the process of actually having to look and oh God I did not realize how many feelings were involved. I am a very sensitive individual and especially when it comes to animals I feel horrible seeing them in shelters or hearing about how they were dumped off or how their family loved them but due to unfortunate circumstances had to surrender them. It genuinely hurts my heart and I feel such guilt.

 

[verna davies]

I have three young cats. The first one I knew was the right one straight away, the second I looked at all the cats twice before choosing her but the last one I went back to the shelter about 4 times. Each time I saw one I liked but I was unsure so I walked away but on the fourth visit I saw this little boy and just knew he was the right one. It's hard to walk away and leave them there but you have to be sure he/she is right for you and vice versa. You will hopefully be together many years and if you take one because you feel guilty and you cant find that bond, you end up with a miserable human and an unhappy cat. You cant rescue all the cats but rescuing the right one is a good thing and you should feel no guilt. There are other people who will bond with the other cats and give them a good home.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi!
Just a thought, that cat you spoke of in the crate probably didn't react to you because it hasn't had much chance to be socialized or maybe even to live a normal life.

I could be wrong but it sounds to me as though the foster people have a vet that doesn't know much about cat illnesses, or they weren't being truthful with you regarding how they are treating the cat. It concerns me that they wouldn't let the cat out so you could properly interact with it.

 

[denice]

It is hard to get a good idea about a cat that is in a cage or in a shelter type situation. I usually look at a large no kill shelter in our area that rarely keeps a cat caged. They have a lot of small rooms off of the large room and the cats that are new or shy usually stake out a spot in one of those rooms or in the office. You will find the right one and you will know when you find the right one. Often the cat will pick you. A cat that normally doesn't come up to people that they don't know will come up to you, you have been picked. There is no reason to feel guilty. The rescue that I go to encourages people to just come in and interact with the kitties, that is good for the kitties and if someone finds one they can't resist then one of their cats got a home.

 

[DizzyLizzy2187]

Hi!
Just a thought, that cat you spoke of in the crate probably didn't react to you because it hasn't had much chance to be socialized or maybe even to live a normal life.

I could be wrong but it sounds to me as though the foster people have a vet that doesn't know much about cat illnesses, or they weren't being truthful with you regarding how they are treating the cat. It concerns me that they wouldn't let the cat out so you could properly interact with it.

That was something that concerned me as well. I had called our vet prior to going because after the last debacle I really wanted to try and avoid another situation where my cat uses me as a human target. So I talked to her about what questions to ask and any signs that might be concerning and she kept emphasizing watching the cat and how they interact and whatnot, but that was hard to do because they wouldn't take her out of the crate. We were also concerned because the house smelled STRONGLY of urine and feces and I noticed that the cat's litterbox had poop smears down the side as if she had had loose stools.

 

[Furballsmom]

So I talked to her about what questions to ask and any signs that might be concerning

Good on you!!

We were also concerned because the house smelled STRONGLY of urine and feces

Oh gosh. These people are seriously not good at this, the urine smell itself is actually literally bad for their health and for the cat

 

[vyger]

I have never adopted a cat, they adopt me. Some come by, visit with everybody, chill for a few days and then move on. Others show up and never again leave. And some just keep extending their visit for longer and longer times. I have one of those here right now. He has returned again looking thinner than the last time and sporting a wound/scrape of some kind on his upper leg. The first time I saw him I was sure he was a neighbors cat as he was well fed and friendly. In fact after just a few minutes he was at my feet enjoying being petted. But now I am thinking he was dumped off by someone. He has been wandering and keeps coming back here as a refuge. He is not fixed which could be why they dumped him. He already knows the food routine, comes when he is called and no longer is fighting with the other cats. I suppose the next step is to get him neutered.
SO, it is looking like I have been adopted again. Why they adopt me I don't know.
I feel no guilt about it.
By the way, if I do get him fixed and it later turns out he actually was the neighbors I will likely ask them to cover some of the cost of getting him fixed. The nearest neighbor is about 1/3 mile away. I suppose that's one reason he likes to stay for dinner.

 

[Jem]

Your description of the little cat in the crate seems exactly like my new kitty Lily.

This is going to be long...sorry.

My husband and me, lost all three of our cats in a span of two months, all for different reasons, the last one leaving us n November of 2018. At the end of December we decided to go take a look at our local shelter and see what was available. We were "chosen" by several cats but there were two males that not only chose us but would be great friends as well and they were the front runners for who we would adopt. I honestly wish I could take them ALL!!!

Now our shelter is pretty strict when it comes to adopting out, but after we told them what we went thru and how we cared for our other cats, they brought us this tiny little creature with the biggest, saddest eyes I've ever seen. They knew she needed someone who would be patient and caring and told us all about her.

She was rescued, pregnant, and she had her litter at the shelter. How she managed with how tiny she was, I'll never know. They said she was such a great mom. All her kittens had been adopted out and she was still there. They described her as severely depressed and to be honest she looked sickly, and they agreed. They tried to get her to come around but she was a serious "failure to thrive", and they actually feared she would not make it if she did not find a home. She was desperate for affection.
It was so sad, she would just it there and let whatever was happening to her happen. And not because she was chill, but because she had ZERO confidence, she was timid and shy and severely depressed. They said that she would never eat or use the litter box if anyone was around. She basically just hid in a little cubby all the time, unless someone took her out to hold and pet her. She never meowed, hissed, growled, swatted, NOTHING. She just curled up into herself, as if she was waiting to be hurt, and was going to let it happen.
Well...of course, we fell in love with her too....

So.......we decided that we were taking three cats home that day!
A few of the workers at the shelter actually cried when they found out that she had been adopted!

Anyway, fast forward a bit....
She has flourished!!!!!
She is still a bit timid in some ways, but she is SO affectionate, she has found her confidence and is even playing with her two "brothers" (although not quite as rambunctious as the two boys). SHE seeks US out for attention, she eats and uses the litter box around us and rolls onto her back for belly rubs.
She plays with toys, and has found her voice and jumps up on the cat condos instead of hiding under furniture. She even swats and gives these pathetic little hisses at the boys if they get too feisty!!! And they are such good boys too, they listen to her and you can tell they try to play gentle with her.
Her fur has grown in (she over-groomed), she has gained some weight (mostly in muscle mass) and her eyes are bright. She also used to suffer from chronic diarrhea, which has improved dramatically as well.
I can't tell you enough how well she has done since we got her.

So although I would never guarantee that this cat in the crate would also learn to thrive in your care, don't discount this poor creature. She might be miserable where she is now, but that could change with you.
I'm also not trying to pressure you into adopting this cat if you don't think you can, but the shy, scared, timid little ones so often are the ones desperate for someone who will love them.
Keeping her in the crate, even though she hides if they let her out, is only continuing the problem. She is NOT able to developed ANY confidence in the situation she is in currently.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you my story.
And by the way, I feel guilty all the time when I see a cat who needs a home and I don't take them. I seriously have a hard time letting them go. There were over 100 cats in the shelter I went to, and although I was confident in the choices we made. I still went around and petted and apologized to the cats we were leaving behind. The girls at the shelter must have though I was crazy.
Some good news though, a few of the cats that were on my short list to be adopted, that my heart ached for when leaving them, have found homes.

 

[Furballsmom]

So although I would never guarantee that this cat in the crate would also learn to thrive in your care, don't discount this poor creature. She might be miserable where she is now, but that could change with you.
I'm also not trying to pressure you into adopting this cat if you don't think you can, but the shy, scared, timid little ones so often are the ones desperate for someone who will love them.
Keeping her in the crate, even though she hides if they let her out, is only continuing the problem. She is NOT able to developed ANY confidence in the situation she is in currently.

exactly

 

[Kieka]

I've returned a cat to a shelter after a week when it was obvious the cat wasn't a good fit. I've also had to re-home two cats (long messy situation and we tried everything for six months before deciding it was best for the cats to go, as in it would be the best choice for the cats to find a stress free situation, it's been eleven years and the memory still hurts). I've had cats go missing and never come home. I've had cats dumped on my doorstep and found homes for them. I've had cats I've found in boxes on the side of the road we kept. I've had cats dropped on my doorstep I've kept. I've had cats who just walked into my home and adopted me. I've seen cats I want the save, but can't. I've watched cats die because there is nothing I can do to help them, even though I tried.

You never truly forget the ones you can't save or have to let go. You love and cherish those who you can have in your life. Right now, no matter how perfect a cat may seem I cannot take in another as long as Rocket is alive. My little girl hates other cats with a passion and shuts down too easily with stress.

Rocket is one of those shy ones, she is beautiful and because of that she'd be adopted quickly but it wouldn't work out well for her. She does this awkward stare thing at our house with strangers that makes them very uneasy. When she's been boarded she hides the entire time. She has made herself sick on more then one occasion when things aren't just right. Thing is, those shy ones once they latch on to someone they really latch on. Rocket won't let me sit for five minutes without her claiming my lap, sleeps snuggled up to me most nights and follows me everywhere. She's not the cat I would have chosen (she was a dumped on my doorstep one, neighbor caught her feral thinking she was my males kitten) but she is a little (sometimes annoying) lovey.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Hello! I posted on here a few weeks ago asking for advice and shocker of all shockers, I am on here again looking for advice. So some of you very lovely and kind people are aware that I very recently had a failed adoption. Took a cat home, cat was great for a week, cat decided to start attacking me randomly and pretty relentlessly, worked with shelter and vet to no avail, had to return the cat and ended up feeling like complete garbage. Side note, for those of you that are aware of the whole story, the cat wasn't even back a full 2 weeks at the shelter and she is up for adoption again and her description is literally the exact same, all that is added is that, "Like most cats, she is 99% sweet and 1% feisty." What!?!? I know you won't advertise upfront that she has some aggression, but it doesnt even seem like made any attempt to figure out what was triggering her.

Anyway, my question is, when looking to adopt a cat, do any of you ever feel guilty about NOT taking a cat home? Like, maybe it just doesn't seem like a right fit or whatever, but you just decide they're not the cat for you. A former co-worker is fostering cats, kind of getting a rescue going, and I met one of her cats and she seemed like a sweet girl, but she didn't really seem to have much of a personality so it didn't necessarily feel like a fit so I told the woman I would think about it but I just feel horrible about not taking a cat! I feel like no matter what I would love the cat because she's a living creature and I am an animal lover through and through, but it was hard to tell if this would be a good fit and I am concerned about their being potential health issues. My co-worker rescued the cat from a kill shelter and she came with a brother she bonded with, both came very sick I guess and the brother didn't make it. My mom was asking what happened and they said they took the cat to the vet and the vet said the cat was just experiencing stress from being in a new place and eating a new diet (diarrhea, vomiting, and not eating were the symptoms I guess), which is very possible. But that happened over a year ago and they said the cat is still stressed from losing her brother and that is why she is so shy. They had her in a crate and when asked if she could come out they said no because she would get lost because she hides. When I was petting her she just kind of sat there and didn't really respond. She didn't shy away from me but she didn't purr or lean into it like she enjoyed it. I am worried because if she is sick, I don't know if I can knowingly take on a cat that is sick right now (obviously if I got a cat and something happened I would care for them) and if she is just that....quiet, I don't know if that would be a good fit for me because I am used to having pretty friendly cats and I feel so horribly selfish but I really want a cat that is cuddly and likes to be near me. I just don't know, this is all done out of their home so I would think that she would be either a little more outgoing cause it is her territory or for that very same reason would have responded in a more stressed/anxious manner. I dont know, am I just a terrible human being?

We have done fostering. We had a guy come in looking at some kittens (half grown by then) and he really liked one cat. He took him home and we were mixed happy and sad to see him go, but hoped he'd have a great life.
A week or so later, the guy called and said he wanted to return the cat.
Turns out, the cat was more bonded to his little pack here at our home than we'd realized. He had spent the last week in the basement, hiding from everyone. Any attempt to bring him into the house resulted in him peeing, bolting, running (cats really do have the ability to run on things like walls) and panicking. This guy wasn't stupid. The cat wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. He returned him. I don't blame him one little bit.
I think the guy felt bad for bringing him back, but I think the guy made the right choice. We ended up adopting this cat because he, to us, was not a cat that was a good candidate for being adopted out. Let's be honest, a cat that's randomly attacking you isn't a happy cat. In our guys case, hiding in the basement with no attempt to befriend anyone isn't a happy cat. I'm bothered by the fact the rescue or shelter put her right back up for adoption though without mentioning her issues. (We've had foster dogs, too. We only take ones that are cat and dog tested good, but sometimes rescues like to stretch the truth. Most of the time, things go smooth. Sometimes, we wonder if the rescue person who did the actual testing was high on something because the dog wants to kill any other living thing they can find. I feel bad for them when we take them back, but we'd feel worse if something went wrong and of the pets that have trusted us for years to keep them safe gets killed because we get emotional over a sad story and big, sad eyes.)
I've been on both ends, and I think you did the right thing.