I Am A Mess

im home from having my cat put down, i had her for 20 years and three months. im so full of guilt i should have spent money for testing. now im home with no cat to snuggle and feeling like i failed her. im so sad right now. this entire house reminds me of her, she was so good to me. im supposed to know what to do and be a tough guy but i just want to cry.

This is absolutely normal, even the toughest guy has a good heart. Crying is fine, helps you to release the pain, it's a safety valve so that we don't burst.
I'm sorry for your cat, 20 years can be a lifetime, no wonder that the pain is unbearable, you both had so much in common, losing her is losing a good part of your life and your heart.
Hopefully your pain will lift soon.

Hi! So sorry for your loss. It's tough I know and there is nothing wrong with crying. Don't blame yourself. I've been there before. My heart goes out to you at this hard time.

Sorry for your loss. I know everyone deals with loss differently. I was so upset with having to put my dog down 2 years ago... I actually went to the shelter a few weeks prior and set up an adoption. It may be crazy and sound completely cold-hearted.. but it was totally the opposite. I knew that entering my home with her not there would be unbearable. SO...in the same day she was put down... i adopted my new dog.
I still cry for her. It took me over a year to even look at her pictures, but without a doubt my new dog was saved from the shelter and helped me through what would have been a much more difficult time. So maybe you need a new friend to help you through.... when you feel ready of course.

Hi, and welcome to TCS

I'm so sorry you're joining under such sad circumstances I, along with many, many other members here, know only too well the devastating heartbreak of saying goodbye to a beloved friend and companion. I lost my most special guy (my soulmate greyhound) almost exactly a year ago, as well as my darling 14 year old boy-kitty 10 days later. At times like these, the entire home seems like it's filled with their absence - all you can see is the holes they've left behind. Tough guy or not, it's ok, in fact, necessary, to cry, grieve and mourn their passing. You have lost a dear friend, that that always hurts like hell

Try to keep hold of this - you absolutely did NOT fail your girl in any way. You gave her a wonderful life, and she was lucky to have such a great dad. She died knowing she was loved, and loving you back every bit as much. I truly believe the final gift we can give our cats is a peaceful end, and that's exactly what you gave her. Guilt is normal at this time, but that doesn't mean that it is warranted. You gave your girl a wonderful life and a peaceful end, and no cat could hope for more than that.

huzugabah said:

im so full of guilt i should have spent money for testing.

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When you are able to, consider that it would have put your cat through a lot of poking, prodding and at the least uncomfortable if not outright painful processes, not to mention tons of stress for both of you. Everyone's circumstances and situations are different and other people have handled things in other ways but in my opinion, allowing your cat in this situation not to have to deal with all that was a very kind thing.

huzugabah , everything everyone else has said to you is correct. Your beloved cat was already over 20 years old; I've never had a cat live to be more than 13. Yes, they can live longer than that, but not much. In short, she was elderly, and that is totally due to the good care you gave her, so if you want to persuade us that you neglected her you're going to have a hard time doing it.

Guilt in this situation is perfectly normal, but that doesn't mean you deserve it. When we have to make this hardest decision for the smallest and furriest members of our family it feels horrible, like a betrayal. That doesn't mean that it is a betrayal; not doing it would have been a betrayal. Cats can't make this decision for themselves; they have to rely on the humans who love them to know when the pain must be stopped for them, and you did that, you did absolutely the best thing that you could for your cat, as she knew and trusted that you would, even though it hurt you terribly to do it.

The thing about guilt is that it can be a sort of escape from helplessness. When a pet is dying we feel desperate. We want to do anything we can to help, and sometimes the only thing available is euthanasia. It's a horrid, horrid reality that comes to every pet lover eventually, and it makes us feel incredibly helpless. Worse, we know that sooner or later we'll adopt another pet, and the chances are extremely high that we'll have to make that decision yet again. So our minds search for a way out of that helplessness, and there is only one way available. If we hadn't been helpless there would have been something else we could have done, so we search for that something else and we always find it. "If only I had gotten her tested." "If only I had realized sooner how sick she was." "If only I had paid better attention." So we trade helplessness for guilt, because if there was something we did to somehow cause this pain then all we have to do is never ever make that mistake in the future and this can never happen again. Unfortunately, that isn't how life works. Our pets are just as mortal as we are, except it happens to them at a younger age, leaving us to grieve them.

You can't change what has happened. However, you can and must forgive yourself for not being God, for being helpless to prevent death.

Now is the time for grieving. We all do this differently. M m935 did it by adopting a new pet as soon as possible; I've never been able to do that. I always feel that if I adopt too soon I'm in danger of not loving the new cat for herself, of wanting her to be the cat I lost, which is, of course, impossible and totally unfair to the new cat. This is not a criticism of M m935 's approach, I'm simply pointing out that what works for one may not work for another. There are, however, a few things that apply to all of us, and there are a lot of people who will tell you how you "should" be grieving, so here is what you need to know right now.

1. It hurts as much as it hurts. Many people tend to think that it shouldn't hurt this much; they'll say things like "It was just a cat! It's not like you lost a human!" "It" was not "just" anything. She was a member of your family. If it doesn't hurt when a family member dies then there is something seriously wrong with you. Don't let anyone talk you into feeling guilty for your grief or, worse, talk you into denying or ignoring your grief.
2. It takes as long as it takes. Some people grieve and heal quickly; some of us take longer. If you're one of the latter some people may say things like "It's already been six weeks (months, years, whatever). Don't you think you should be over this by now?" This frequently goes with yet another mention that "It was just a cat." But there is no set length of time for how long grieving should take. You have to find out for yourself how long you need. Don't let anyone talk you into attempting to end the process early. If you don't complete your grieving you will never heal properly, which brings us to the third thing you need to know:
3. The only way to the other side of grief is straight through the middle. There are no shortcuts, no bypasses. Any attempt to cut the process short or avoid it entirely will merely ensure that you never finish. Please don't let that happen to you. The people who attempt to get you to do this probably love you and are worried about you, but that doesn't mean that they're right. You need to grieve, in your own time, and in you're own way. You'll know when you're done; no one else has any greater knowledge of what works for you than you do, and no one else can tell you how to grieve.

Our cats work their ways into our hearts and make a place for themselves there, and when they leave we're left with that cat shaped hole in our hearts. In a very real sense a part of ourselves is amputated every time we lose one. You can take care of the wound by grieving, and it will heal cleanly. You'll never get back what you lost, but you'll also never lose what you still have, the loving memories and the knowledge that she loved you as much as you loved her, and one day the memories of her life will become stronger than the memories of her death. When that time comes, when your home starts feeling empty because it needs a cat, and not because it needs this cat, you'll know you're ready and you'll adopt again, and that cat also will work his or her way into your heart. She (or he) won't fill the empty hole that you have now, instead she'll make her very own hole there, and someday she too will leave. But until then you'll continue to be the wonderful cat parent that you've already proven yourself to be, and when that time comes you'll be just as caring for your new cat in her final days as you were for this one.

And here at The Cat Site we'll be there for you through the whole process.

Margret

Margret said everything, beautifully, as did everyone else

thank you all for the kind words. margret your post is helping alot.

Rest you gentle, Sweet Furry Friend, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I can't come close to what Margret said so very eloquently, so I will only say that my heart walks with yours tonight.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am struggling with the loss of my baby this week and I also felt that I should have requested more tests, more medication, a second opinion. The list is endless. However, I keep referring back to what Kittens mom said on my post...we chose to be merciful in an act of true love. We took the pain away from them and now we bear it. Know that you are not alone in this. We bear this pain together.

Of course you are going to grieve, you've suffered a loss, a loss that will take a long time to learn to live through. That sweet girl lived a very long time with you, a big part of your life.
Although the frail physical body fails, as it always will with every living creature, the bond you have forged with love over all those years will be tied to your soul for eternity. Love is spiritual, so eternal. She will never be far from your own life's journey, although she now follows a new path, hers will always parallel yours. Use this bond to allow her to continue sending her love, she will. Use it to send her your own love, along with the comfort you always provided her over the years. Try not to dwell on the end, it brings nothing but heartache. Don't let it overwhelm the many good years you shared, the joy and the happiness she brought to your home and your life.
You gave her everything she wanted and needed, her twenty years is a testament to that fact. She received the care she needed and the love she wanted, no one could ask for more.
Although she is no longer in this life, she leaves behind her legacy, a legacy of love that is so strong it asks that you not go forward into a future full of pain and sadness, but embrace what she left to you and be filled with the joy of living once more. Because that is what she wants for the one she loves above all else, as you would want for her if you were the first to go. She would never want to bring sadness into your life because of her. Love is never selfish, it would never want the one it loved to hold onto the pain when the pain of living becomes too much. Ending that pain is a gift you gave her, one last gift of love.
The emptiness in your house, and the void in your heart will one day lessen with time. Time is the only thing that heals a broken heart. It is a journey we all must follow alone, we all heal differently and in many ways. Don't let grieving break you with it's burden of sadness. Share the pain with others who understand to let some of that pain escape, to help you learn to follow a new life order. Let grieving make you stronger.
Knowing that little girl and having her in your life is more precious than any treasure, it would have been unforgivable to have never known her at all., to have never known that sweet love. Feel blessed to accept what she left you, a love above all others.
My heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry for your loss. Know there are many here who share your pain, you are not as alone as you feel. We will cry with you, we will share your pain. We will cry for each other. Take care of yourself......RIP sweet little girl. You will never be forgotten and will forever be held in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of your sweet girl, 20 years is a very long time but no matter how long we have them it never seems to be enough, but you did not let her down in any way, and even the best intentions both care and money wise don't keep them here, when it is their time to go the best thing we can do for them is to let them go although it breaks our heart. Losing a pet is one of the toughest, saddest worst feelings we will ever know in this life, but if 20 years ago someone would have said to you "I will give you this cat to love and take care of, you will have her for 20 years but after that she must move on to her next life, what do you say?".....We already know the answer to that, you did it.....

It hurts like crazy, you will feel and experience ALL kinds of feelings and emotions, just go with it and let it out, if you try to hold it in it just delays the healing, just go with it, and one day down the line I think when you are ready you will take in another lucky cat to take care of, when the time is right.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

Please visit here often, it helps. I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you....

Les (Sylvester's daddy)

I am sorry for your loss. I said good bye to my cat on Friday and it is still so incredibly painful. I hope you do allow yourself to cry. Please do. 20 years is an amazing time to have someone with you! You did the absolute best you could and I don't know what happened but it will not change your lifetime together. You two loved each other and guess what? You can keep on loving. Just because they are gone doesn't mean we stop.

I know how hard it is to come home and they are not there. I am going through that now too, even though I have another cat here, she isn't the same as Timmer.

I had a cat who lived to be 18 several years ago and I had to let her go. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I did go through some grief counseling but I think it was less than a month that I went to the shelter and this time picked out two more girls to love. I did that too soon and I was not ready because I found I didn't have the energy to give into building that relationship right away. We didn't bond for some time, and sure it was someone to fill the space but it wasn't the original cat. Eventually we became family. Then, four years later one of them got kidney failure and died, so immediately I ran out and got Timmer. This time I am not running out and getting another cat because my remaining cat wouldn't appreciate it.

i will also tell you that I spent upwards of $5,000 getting diagnostics done on Timmer and procedures. The vet pushed me into having him see a specialist. He was on chemotherapy and several other medications for the last three weeks of his life and wasn't responding to any of them. There is no right or wrong here, with having diagnostics and spending the money. I don't regret it but the end was the same. And I had a feeling when I had the diagnostics done that this wasn't going to work out. I was hopeful, sure, but my gut told me as bad as my kitty felt and what I was seeing, it probably would not work. And as far as chemo goes, I cried every time I gave it to him. I felt like crap. I wouldn't have given it to myself but here I was, giving it to him. He didn't have quality life. That's what matters. You can't keep your pet around forever for yourself. I wish they lived as long as we do but sadly, they don't. I'm so so sorry.

I am so sorry, friend. I feel your pain. Talk to your kitty! I call out TIMMER! Several times a day and scream my head off. I tell him I miss him and love him. I believe he hears me. I have nothing to hold now either and everywhere I look in the house reminds me of him. It hurts. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Keep coming on here. You can share any time and I find encouraging others is helping me. You are not alone!!!
If you think it would help go to a shelter and just look at the cats. There are so many out there who need our love.

Is this true? I don't know, and I don't think it matters. What I do know is that it feels true. Everyone here is a rescuer, and I believe this is how we should be thinking of our beloved little ones who have passed. Not to say that we shouldn't grieve; grieving is essential. But we should also allow ourselves to be comforted.

Margret

Margret ,
I hope to be one of those rescuers to allow old and beat-up cats to become young and healthy again when it is my time. I really would love to.
What about feral cats and colony cats who were cared of and then went to the Bridge? Do they count as loved ones? Do they cross the Bridge and get healthy?

My brother died a terrible death and was nearly skeletal when he went. About a month after he passed away, I had a dream someone was knocking at my front door. I answered the door and it was my brother, about 20 years younger, looking wonderful and glowing from the inside. I believe we are restored to when we were at our peak. And why not the same for animals? They were not born beat up. God cared enough for the animals to create them even before he created man and from how each and every animal, including kitties, are so unique, that tells me great care is taken in their creation. I think we will all be made whole.

Antonio65 said:

Margret ,
I hope to be one of those rescuers to allow old and beat-up cats to become young and healthy again when it is my time. I really would love to.
What about feral cats and colony cats who were cared of and then went to the Bridge? Do they count as loved ones? Do they cross the Bridge and get healthy?

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I'm the wrong person to ask. I'm an atheist (i.e. I don't believe in God/gods), and an agnostic (i.e. I'm not stupid enough to believe that I can prove or disprove the existence of gods), and this is a question about theology.

When I was talked out of finishing my grieving for Sweet Thing (my heart kitty) the person who did it was a Wiccan priestess with my best interests at heart, but whose personal beliefs were vastly different from mine. She believed in reincarnation, and what she told me (violating her own principles to never push her faith on anyone else, and it's hard to forgive her for that) was that by continuing to grieve I was refusing to cut the cord and allow Sweet Thing to move on to her next life. I was foolish to give in to that argument, and I've paid the price for that foolishness for over 20 years. That's why I always post the "rules" of grieving; I wish I'd had them myself when Sweets had to be euthanized.

My personal beliefs, which I have no desire to push on anyone else:

• When we die, we die. That's it. No heaven. No hell. No Hades. No Elysian Field or River Styx. No reincarnation. No nine lives or Rainbow Bridge. I like the idea of the Rainbow Bridge, but I don't believe in it.
• If anyone can reincarnate, cats can, but that's a major "if."

And the beliefs that I believe most people share, and that I am willing to push:

• Kindness is important.
• Honesty and respect and forgiveness are important.
• "Love your neighbor as yourself."
  
• And its corollary: Love yourself as you love your neighbor.

I don't believe in prayer, because I don't believe in God. However, when I was in the hospital having a benign brain tumor removed my brother was asking total strangers in bars to pray for me, and they were doing so, and that doesn't bother me at all, because I do believe in well-wishing. Is that inconsistent of me? I don't know, but I don't think so. If nothing else, well-wishing benefits the doer, and that's never wasted.

I was born in Denver, Colorado, and I've lived here for most of my life, but I spent about a year in Bend, Oregon, as an editor at a small computer hobbyist magazine named Micro Cornucopia. While we were there I heard a news story that really bothered me. Bend is in the middle of logging country, and there was a logger who had made a major error when cutting down a tree, such that the tree fell on him and he was impaled by a branch. The other loggers immediately radioed for help, and an ambulance arrived. The EMTs took one look and said "This one is bigger than us; we need a doctor out here immediately." The doctor arrived, took a more thorough look, and said "He can't be saved. As soon as the tree is removed he'll bleed out, and there's no way to prevent it. The most we can do for him is to call his family and friends and give them a chance to say 'Goodbye' before we remove the tree and allow him to die." So they did that. His wife and kids came and said their farewells, as did his friends, and when they were done the tree was removed and the man died almost immediately.

It seemed to me that this was an utterly horrible way to die, knowing in advance that it was going to happen, that you'd brought it on yourself by doing something stupid, and knowing that forever after your name would be used in the training stories for future loggers as a bad example: "Don't do what poor old Jones (or whatever his name was) did!" And, yes, all of that is true, but it isn't really the most important point in the story. If you look at it there are several positive things in it:

• This man had a family, who loved him.
• This man had friends, who also loved him.
• This man had a chance to say "Goodbye" to the people he loved, and they had a chance to say "Goodbye" to him.

Those are the important things in this man's life, and something is wrong when the narrative of his death is allowed to somehow outweigh the narrative of his life. But that's my brain talking; my emotions still say "He died scared and humiliated and that's horrible!" and I've never succeeded in getting my emotions to listen to my brain.

At least we can keep our cats from dying scared and humiliated, and we can say "Goodbye" to them. The best of both worlds. What comes after I don't claim to know, except for grieving. I just know that I like the Rainbow Bridge story. And if it's true (fact-truth, not emotional-truth), then I suspect the key to your question is whether the cat felt loved by a human in life, not whether the human loved the cat. But also, if the Rainbow Bridge story is true then all cats get a chance at love, eventually.

Margret

huzugabah said:

im home from having my cat put down, i had her for 20 years and three months. im so full of guilt i should have spent money for testing. now im home with no cat to snuggle and feeling like i failed her. im so sad right now. this entire house reminds me of her, she was so good to me. im supposed to know what to do and be a tough guy but i just want to cry.

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Real men and women, are in touch with their emotions. I'm a bonified, lone-wolf tough woman and while there is nothing wrong with that, I had to learn to be at peace with my more tender emotions. This is one of those lessons the universe tries to teach us by sending us animals to care for. So feeling your emotions fully, makes you no less of a tough guy, but it does make you a more integrated human being. And those are the people best suited to be on a planet that is increasingly in so much pain. Animals need men like you, so don't be ashamed...ever. I know what you're going through, my buddy who was 15 1/2 crossed over 2 months ago. It gets a little easier day by day as you learn to navigate what you're feeling. Know that you are not alone.

huzugabah , I truly believe your precious little one's soul is in a place that will protect and love her into the future. I am in the medical field and have witnessed MANY deaths, both at work and of my own precious little ones here at home. At the moment of death, there is a definite change, an 'absence' of what that loved one was and had in life. That is why we many times almost don't recognize the one that left us, because the 'essence' of that being has left, is gone. Where did it go, NO ONE knows for sure, it depends on your beliefs.
There was a time when I didn't believe there was a God either. That was almost 45 years ago. I remember the time so vividly because it changed my life forever. It was a time of great turmoil, one of those times that you lived for the moment, you couldn't/wouldn't foresee a future, I was aimlessly going through life, no plans, only enjoying my own selfish whims, only pleasing myself and caring for nothing or no one. Then came a time when I was approached by something so vile and so evil it defies explanation. I could actually feel it. There was actually a voice in my head that said " if you look onto my face you will have everything you desire!" What would you do? Honestly I was so scared and so alone the only thing I could do was pray, I don't know why, it was natural, it must have been instinct. The first time I prayed and meant it. It was at that moment I KNEW THERE WAS A GOD.Because if there was such evil, there had to be a counteraction. There has to be a spiritual purity and goodness, because of the pure evil that we all know exists. I truly believe everyone will come to this point, maybe on their deathbed, but sometime.
That is my own belief because I lived through it. I'm not a devote being that spends every moment praising God, I am a simple human being that often fails, but also feels joy and happiness to be alive. That is why I believe our dearly departed want us to be happy, to go on living and to make others happy too. That is what love is, and it is eternal. There are many religions and many who don't believe, but they are all right, they all have to see the evil and pain in the world, so have to know in their hearts that there has to be an opposite, "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" we can't argue with that!