Would you stay friends with this person?

[duchess15]

I have a male friend who is 21, more mature for his age and intelligent. When I first met him everything was new and now that I have known him for over 3 months I am starting to see a few things I don't like.

A lot of the time when I express how I feel, do things, or believe something he has to counter with a response in which he "needs to prove" his point. He will write multiple paragraphs "proving" his point so as to make it sound as if his answers are the only correct ones, never agreeing with mine or being open to them at all. Everyone does have a right to their own beliefs, but I feel like he doesn't respect mine at all.

He is very hard to talk to because he always responds in theories (life is not only about theories, but also about experiences, and feelings too) and to be honest he has annoyed me a few times because he will get to the point where if I don't agree with his view or acknowledge that he is correct, he will keep pushing until I either tell him he has pushed to far and ignore him, or tell him that the discussion is finished and I no longer care. He keeps wanting to bring these arguments back up and that to me is a very bad sign because he can't let things go and it has to be his view, or none at all.

I do not like it when someone comes across as wanting to be superior to another, for I am not inferior and would like to be treated as an equal. Over the past few emails he has started to bore me because it is always about his theories, or proving that he is correct and I realized that the more I get to know him, the more I could never be with him.

We are only friends, even though I know he feels more, however, I do not. If anything he has turned me completely off and I am at a loss of what to do.

Would you stay friends with someone like this?

 

[swampwitch]

Ugh, no, I would not. There are enough difficult people that we have to have in our lives, why deal with him and the bad feelings he gives you... if you don't have to?

 

[duchess15]

I forgot to mention that he had the nerve to "correct" my spelling as a teacher would, in a text message, right after I had just put my cat down of 16 years, of which he admitted he could never do himself.

 

[milk maid]

No sorry I wouldnt stay friends (or anything else) with him. He obviously thinks what he says is all important and he is the only one that is right, he is not worth you wasting your time.

 

[pookie-poo]

This person sounds very toxic. If you are having the kind of doubts and red flags being raised by his communications, you should probably begin to gently distance yourself from him. I say gently, because this person doesn't sound all that emotionally stable, and I worry about how he might react. Your insticts are reliable, there are good reasons you feel uncertain about this relationship. Good luck....

~~~Hugs~~~

 

[goldenkitty45]

No and if he asks why, I'd tell him that you and him don't see eye to eye on things, and you choose not to argue about it. Remind him his opinions are not any better or right then your opinions.

 

[cheshirecat]

No I wouldn't be friends with this guy.

I agree with Pookie-poo, he sounds like a controlling type who may react badly to being rejected. I would just slowly back away from the friendship.

 

[laureen227]

i wouldn't, either. w/friends who have differing opinions than yours, you need to have a 'agree to disagree' agreement in place.
i have 2 'best' friends - one of whom i am in opposition on politically, & one of whom i am in opposition on religiously. we don't really discuss the topic on which we disagree - we occasionally air opinions, & we are aware of the other's stance on the issues. but we don't try to 'convert' each other - waste of time, when there are things we enjoy doing together.
my dad really doesn't get this, tho - he finds it extremely hard to respect someone on whom he has a basic 'life' opposition to - he tends to think they're just 'not properly informed'. some people are like that - but this isn't worth your time or trouble.
as a teacher - it's EXTREMELY impolite to correct others' spelling, grammar, etc. unless they request it or you're actually supposed to be instructing them on correct usage. i see/hear mistakes all the time - i just ignore them unless i'm asked to proof something or i'm teaching my students.

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by laureen227

i wouldn't, either. w/friends who have differing opinions than yours, you need to have a 'agree to disagree' agreement in place.
i have 2 'best' friends - one of whom i am in opposition on politically, & one of whom i am in opposition on religiously. we don't really discuss the topic on which we disagree - we occasionally air opinions, & we are aware of the other's stance on the issues. but we don't try to 'convert' each other - waste of time, when there are things we enjoy doing together.
my dad really doesn't get this, tho - he finds it extremely hard to respect someone on whom he has a basic 'life' opposition to - he tends to think they're just 'not properly informed'. some people are like that - but this isn't worth your time or trouble.
as a teacher - it's EXTREMELY impolite to correct others' spelling, grammar, etc. unless they request it or you're actually supposed to be instructing them on correct usage. i see/hear mistakes all the time - i just ignore them unless i'm asked to proof something or i'm teaching my students.

I am much older than he, and I took offense considering he is not perfect and has made his fair share of mistakes - which I did inform him thereof, but also that I knew he knew better therefore I didn't not correct him. He knew I had just put my cat down and I couldn't believe he had the nerve to correct me considering I was a little distraught about it. I informed him that I was educated and knew how to spell and to never do that to me again.

 

[otto]

Is this an internet friend or a real life friend? Either way, I'm with the others, life is too short to struggle along with this "friendship". I've been through that kind of thing a time or two myself, it's hard to let go, but a relief once you do.

Good luck, keep us posted!

 

[Willowy]

Probably has Asperger's, whether he's diagnosed or not. . .my brother's Aspie and he's a lot like that. They can't help themselves-they don't understand normal human interaction. It doesn't matter, really. If you aren't getting anything positive from the friendship, there's no reason to continue with it.

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by Willowy

Probably has Asperger's, whether he's diagnosed or not. . .my brother's Aspie and he's a lot like that. They can't help themselves-they don't understand normal human interaction. It doesn't matter, really. If you aren't getting anything positive from the friendship, there's no reason to continue with it.

No, I doubt he has that! Nothing wrong with him genetically. His problem is that he has a superior complex whether he believes that or not and it is starting to rub off more and more. He wants to pyschoanalyze everything and I am not like that. He is a real friend, but have only known him 4 months.

I have not seen him in almost 2 months, but talk to him almost daily, mostly through texts. I just have no desire to see him anymore, but will have to to trade movies back with him.

He is also way too sensitive for me. When I am with him, I feel like I am more with a woman, than a man - despite only being his friend. I know that is just the way he is, so I don't know how those two aspects of his personality can fit together.

 

[strange_wings]

Sounds simply that he's just a younger guy and your personalities clash. No matter how mature you may think he is, he's still fairly young.

And if you remember the MBTI stuff, he sounds like he could be an xNFx -possibly and xNFJ. You're an ISTJ. Being married to one I can tell you types get very bored with theory talk, but unfortunately that's what us intuitive types do. That's our thinking style - everything is 'what if' and a theory.

Sensors have no patience for it because they're more focused in now and what's concrete. This causes huge riffs for most people.

So basically you have a communication and personality clash. I wouldn't judge him as a terrible person because of this, unlike most are doing in this thread... (with someone they do not know), just as someone who you'll never connect with as a friend or at least not very well.
Where you go from here is up to you. But, have you ever plainly spoke to him about this problem? He could still be fairly oblivious and not know how much it bothers you. Some people don't get hints... much less guys. lol

As for spelling correction, there's no need to get overly offended when someone does it unless they do so with the intent to offend you. Most people just do it out of habit. I'll correct some friends, they're not native speakers and it's only harmful to them if they make really glaring spelling/grammar mistakes (especially if they're to be taking any tests for English).

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Sounds simply that he's just a younger guy and your personalities clash. No matter how mature you may think he is, he's still fairly young.

And if you remember the MBTI stuff, he sounds like he could be an xNFx -possibly and xNFJ. You're an ISTJ. Being married to one I can tell you types get very bored with theory talk, but unfortunately that's what us intuitive types do. That's our thinking style - everything is 'what if' and a theory.

Sensors have no patience for it because they're more focused in now and what's concrete. This causes huge riffs for most people.

So basically you have a communication and personality clash. I wouldn't judge him as a terrible person because of this, unlike most are doing in this thread... (with someone they do not know), just as someone who you'll never connect with as a friend or at least not very well.
Where you go from here is up to you. But, have you ever plainly spoke to him about this problem? He could still be fairly oblivious and not know how much it bothers you. Some people don't get hints... much less guys. lol

As for spelling correction, there's no need to get overly offended when someone does it unless they do so with the intent to offend you. Most people just do it out of habit. I'll correct some friends, they're not native speakers and it's only harmful to them if they make really glaring spelling/grammar mistakes (especially if they're to be taking any tests for English).

I normally don't, as I don't make many, but it was the timing and what had just occurred that made me so very angry. It was not the proper place or time and it is also hard to type on a blackberry. He said it in a way that was offensive, but does not realize that. Yes, I have made it very clear, not once, but twice of why it bothered me and still he can't get the *hint* so to speak. I am all for theories, but he beats it to death since he obviously has all the answers. I also think "what if" on many things, but I also know how to be down to earth at the same time.

Yes, I know he is still young, and I do remind him of that. He still has much to learn about life in general. He does not know everything, no one does.

 

[Willowy]

Asperger's, while it has some genetic basis, is not "something wrong with him genetically". It's basically a neural misfiring, resulting in certain behaviors. Rather like ADHD, except opposite, kind of. If you've ever watched "The Big Bang Theory", Sheldon is classic Aspie (what! How can you possibly be offended if I'm RIGHT?!), though the creators of the show deny it. I myself have a number of markers for Asperger's but not enough to warrant a diagnosis.

The fact that he doesn't realize that he was offensive is what makes me think he's Aspie. But whether he is or not, you should point it out to him (nicely) when he's being offensive. If he doesn't value your feelings or opinion there's no reason to continue subjecting yourself to that.

 

[strange_wings]

Maybe the simplest answer here is to let the friendship cool off a bit? Still remain friends but not the type that chat so often as to get on each others nerves.

As for the spelling, you could always try shorting out his brain. Switch to text speak. He won't know what to correct and may just start ignoring you!

Originally Posted by Willowy

Rather like ADHD, except opposite, kind of.

Not exactly opposite since the two overlap fairly often... which shouldn't make sense (focus wise) but it does.

Some people have a lot of aspie traits or just enough to get them labeled PDD-NOS or NVLD. I could probably get labeled the latter if I wished to seek assessment for it.

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Maybe the simplest answer here is to let the friendship cool off a bit? Still remain friends but not the type that chat so often as to get on each others nerves.

As for the spelling, you could always try shorting out his brain. Switch to text speak. He won't know what to correct and may just start ignoring you!

Not exactly opposite since the two overlap fairly often... which shouldn't make sense (focus wise) but it does.

Some people have a lot of aspie traits or just enough to get them labeled PDD-NOS or NVLD. I could probably get labeled the latter if I wished to seek assessment for it.

I have backed off quite a bit, but just have seen a few things that give me a bad feeling. He does have a lot of good qualities. He has lately just gotten on my nerves more.

ROFL I love the shorthand on the texting! That would fry his brain because he is so anal about PROPER spelling and grammar.

I may have to look up the Aspie and see if it may fit his personality, but I'm guessing that is seperate from him being supersensitive, right? He behaves more like a woman than a man. I have never been around guy that sensitive and feminine, and sometimes it just suprises me! lol

 

[strange_wings]

Well, I think you have fair enough judgment not to get involved with a completely terrible person. Which is why I suggest benefit of the doubt and no snap judgments that he's a terrible guy - just someone that's difficult to get along with sometimes. (sounds like pretty much all of my family members!

)

I hope you can find a resolution that doesn't harm anyone, yet keeps you sane.

Re: aspies. They can be sensitive, emotional - even too much so. It's the social cues that are largely missed. Things that a normal person would know not to say or do, they'll make those mistakes. Open ended questions tend to be a problem for most (I have this problem myself) - a simple "how are you?" can be awkward and confusing. Some things are taken literally, jokes can be misunderstood or even the fact that the person is joking because some odd subtle social cue that isn't picked up. Small talk isn't particularly easy.

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Well, I think you have fair enough judgment not to get involved with a completely terrible person. Which is why I suggest benefit of the doubt and no snap judgments that he's a terrible guy - just someone that's difficult to get along with sometimes. (sounds like pretty much all of my family members!

)

I hope you can find a resolution that doesn't harm anyone, yet keeps you sane.

So do I, thanks!

 

[Willowy]

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Not exactly opposite since the two overlap fairly often... which shouldn't make sense (focus wise) but it does.

Some people have a lot of aspie traits or just enough to get them labeled PDD-NOS or NVLD. I could probably get labeled the latter if I wished to seek assessment for it.

Oh I know. I once met a girl diagnosed with both. Hyper-focus + attention deficit = look out! But that's just the easiest way I know of to explain Asperger's. A lot of people think it's a terrible disease, easily noticable like severe Autism. But sometimes you think an Aspie is just a jerk. . . LOL. Just like you might think someone with ADHD is being a jerk. But they aren't trying to be.