Training Other People To Be Around New Cat

[Clover18]

We just adopted a 2yr old from the shelter. She was adjusting as well. Hiding under the bed at first but coming out for petting and food etc within hours. She eventually started exploring the rest of the house and was happily following us all around mewing for attention. Then three days after we got her my husband decided she should play with him more and everything went downhill. He'd try to roughhouse with her, chase her about. He didn't mean any harm, he's just used to fearless kittens not timid cats. We both had cats growing up but he seems to think it's her not him that's the problem. How do I teach my stubborn husband to stop trying to force the cat to pay attention to him and convince the cat not to be scared of him. He get's frustrated that the cat runs away from him when he tries to play with her. I've told him to sit, be still, don't make eye contact, let her come to him but he doesn't have the patience for that. As a result she's terrified of him and won't even come into the same room as him. She'll stay upstairs until I bring her down and will only eat when I'm with her and if my husband starts to walk towards her she'll bolt upstairs again. She's actually more scared now than she was two weeks ago when we brought her home. Ok, so this is sounding more like a therapy session, but has anyone been through this and have any advise?

 

[catsknowme]

What a sad dilemma Especially so for your cat who knows from shelter (and probably previous) experience that life can be harsh. and now her hopes of safe haven are being dashed. Does your husband have a soft, protective side to appeal to? Being fearful is less a character flaw than it is a learned survival method, especially for a cat.
Years ago, I rescued a feral kitten who was extremely shy & timid so we called her Wild Kitty & only I could touch her. We had a collie/lab mix watchdog named Poppy who was a great dog EXCEPT when a vile man was forcing himself upon me. Poppy tried charging him but he kicked her and she yelped and ran home. My heart fell & I felt so alone. But then I heard a deep, guttural snarl and made eye contact with Wild Kitty who launched herself upon that man's head, caterwauling enough for 5 tomcats fighting, and she was like a cactus on meth. I got away with only minor physical injuries; the man was bloody on his head, face & T-shirt was ripped and bloody. I ran home and later that evening, Wild Kitty came back safely. I always wondered how that man would explain those scratches and blood to his wife. Wild Kitty acted a scaredy-cat for the rest of her life but was a VALIANT WARRIOR when it mattered.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi!
Gracious sakes, catsknowme , what an amazing story, and Wild Kitty, what an INCREDIBLE feline!!

So, I admittedly have a little of the same problem, where I want to roughhouse with my Big Poppy-cat.

For your hubs, --whenever I find myself heading towards that mode of play, I constantly remind myself that my cat IS NOT my Bulldog. Many cats are more fragile, both physically and emotionally.

For her --try low volume classical harp music - it's known to relax cats, or kusc.org, or the app Relax My cat.

You could obtain a couple calming product diffusers - thunderease and sentry have these, --if you purchase feliway be aware that there are fake feliway products out there. Oddly enough, a probably "fake" product actually works better for my boy than the real thing LOL

Your Cat Probably Hates It When You...

Playing With Your Cat: 10 Things You Need To Know

Potential Stressors In Cats - The Ultimate Checklist Number 11 under Relationships With People specifically mentions rough play

Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

 

[Clover18]

What a sad dilemma Especially so for your cat who knows from shelter (and probably previous) experience that life can be harsh. and now her hopes of safe haven are being dashed. Does your husband have a soft, protective side to appeal to? Being fearful is less a character flaw than it is a learned survival method, especially for a cat.
Years ago, I rescued a feral kitten who was extremely shy & timid so we called her Wild Kitty & only I could touch her. We had a collie/lab mix watchdog named Poppy who was a great dog EXCEPT when a vile man was forcing himself upon me. Poppy tried charging him but he kicked her and she yelped and ran home. My heart fell & I felt so alone. But then I heard a deep, guttural snarl and made eye contact with Wild Kitty who launched herself upon that man's head, caterwauling enough for 5 tomcats fighting, and she was like a cactus on meth. I got away with only minor physical injuries; the man was bloody on his head, face & T-shirt was ripped and bloody. I ran home and later that evening, Wild Kitty came back safely. I always wondered how that man would explain those scratches and blood to his wife. Wild Kitty acted a scaredy-cat for the rest of her life but was a VALIANT WARRIOR when it mattered.

Hi!
Thank you for your story! Come to think of it my husband does have a soft, protective side. He's the one out of the two of us that loves babies and animals the most. I'll try to appeal to that side of him...remind him she needs time to trust him before he can really play with her. Thank you so much for the idea and sharing your story.

 

[Clover18]

Hi!
Gracious sakes, catsknowme , what an amazing story, and Wild Kitty, what an INCREDIBLE feline!!

So, I admittedly have a little of the same problem, where I want to roughhouse with my Big Poppy-cat.

For your hubs, --whenever I find myself heading towards that mode of play, I constantly remind myself that my cat IS NOT my Bulldog. Many cats are more fragile, both physically and emotionally.

For her --try low volume classical harp music - it's known to relax cats, or kusc.org, or the app Relax My cat.

You could obtain a couple calming product diffusers - thunderease and sentry have these, --if you purchase feliway be aware that there are fake feliway products out there. Oddly enough, a probably "fake" product actually works better for my boy than the real thing LOL

Your Cat Probably Hates It When You...

Playing With Your Cat: 10 Things You Need To Know

Potential Stressors In Cats - The Ultimate Checklist Number 11 under Relationships With People specifically mentions rough play

Six Surefire Strategies To Reduce Stress In Cats

Thank you for those articles! I did order from Amazon the Feliway plug-in for our living room. It's supposed to be delivered some time this week. I was happy to see last night that she came downstairs while he was down there but she didn't come into the same room as him. It's a step in the right direction though. She calmly laid on the floor just outside of the living room. My husband just ignored her which is good. They both seemed ok with that. I also noticed yesterday (while my husband was still at work) that she was playing rougher with me, which she initiated. She was jumping on my legs as I waved the feather wand around and laid on her back meowing until I put my hand towards her where she grabbed onto my hand and wrestled with it. I thought...well well well...so you do like to play rough. I'm not telling my husband yet...he'll have to gain her trust first. I do believe they may be best buds yet.

 

[Furballsmom]

Try the music that I mentioned above, - it really works to help calm kitties

 

[Clover18]

Try the music that I mentioned above, - it really works to help calm kitties

I will try that as well, thanks! One thing I've also noticed that I forgot to mention in my post was that as soon as my husband leaves in the morning she sits at the door for a few moments and then rolls around and kneads the front mat where he keeps his boots and then sits on his chair and rolls around. Do you think this is a territory thing or is she trying to show affection towards him? When I leave in the morning my son says she doesn't even seem to notice I'm gone and just lays around. I read somewhere that a cat may avoid someone they see as the dominant "cat" in the house, but isn't actually afraid of them, which made me think that her rolling around on his stuff was her trying to leave a "friendly" scent behind...or, hopefully not but a territory thing and she's trying to get rid of his scent.

 

[Furballsmom]

which made me think that her rolling around on his stuff was her trying to leave a "friendly" scent behind

I don't know, but I think this?

 

[Clover18]

Update! Feliway seems to have helped along with my husband politely ignoring her for the past several days. She's approached my husband to smell him and my husband has just left her be instead of trying to play with her. She hasn't rubbed up against him yet but she did allow him to pet her...for about 2 seconds, but it's a start to mending their relationship. Yay!
I have to say I'm really surprised at her reaction to the Feliway. Within minutes of it being plugged in she sniffed the air and followed the sent to the plug in. She was sniffing it and gave a little "meeep" sound and then curled up close to it and fell asleep. I think she may be under the impression that there is a really small friendly cat inside of it.

 

[Furballsmom]

This is AWESOME!!!
I'm so glad to hear, and I love it when there's a kitty who is positively impacted by feliway (not every cat is).
Thank you so very much for a good-news update!!

 

[catsknowme]

Excellent update! I am so glad to see the update!