Tomorrow's The Day I Give Up My Fosters

[marmoset]

I've done this a handful of times before but each time it rips my guts out.
As a fosterer you take either scared young- old cats and socialize them or you take very young kittens who are all easy to socialize. Either way your job is to make sure they are healthy and love them fully- no holding back on the adoration. You might go in trying to hold back but that falters or at least it does for me.

So it's going to be hard tomorrow giving 2 of them back. They don't know their life is going to be different tomorrow night, they expect the same daily routine that ends with them being in bed (all four of them) with my husband and I and waking up splayed against us or cradled in our arms faces touching.

They will go to bed in a cage together and wake up together and after a week or so they will be allowed out to meet the other shelter residents and play and run as much as they want. Our shelter is like Disney for cats, so much to do, such good times. I know this and still it makes me cry everytime I send them there.

I think it's guilt. I gave them the impression that this was life forever but it cannot be otherwise I'd have a house of 30 cats

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[ArchyCat]

Any chance of a bigger house?

 

[Furballsmom]

Cats are resilient creatures, and your terrific love and care means they will have the best chance possible to be wonderful cats.

 

[Jcatbird]

I am so sorry. I too have had to let go and sometimes are harder than others but it’s never easy. We really have to fully commit in order to show them how to fully trust. Honestly, I cry every single time. I remind myself that they need a family of their own. I remind myself that if I want to help others, I must continue the process. The goal is to give them the best life possible. I have kept some but mostly those that had health issues or their adopting homes did not work out. I was very glad that I had room for those kitties. If I had kept others, I could not have kept these. I guess for me it has come down to which kitties most need a home here. Can they find a great life somewhere else?
I don’t know if you have ever heard back after a foster is adopted out. I have a few times. One really sticks in my mind. My baby Cloud was very difficult to send to the shelter but more kitties were waiting in a very dangerous place to be rescued. I tearfully let go. Cloud was adopted the very first day. Some weeks later a message came in and was relayed to me. Funny but I was just looking at it again yesterday.

It said,
We went into the shelter after losing our rescue. We were told more kitties were coming in so we returned later. We instantly fell in love with one of the new arrivals. “Cloud” came to join our family that day. We have since renamed him Wayne Damien Sprout. It suits him. He is an acrobat, a ninja, LOVES parkour and can’t get enough real toy play. Thank you for fostering an amazing rescue!

That short note made all the difference to me. They had described Cloud and his personality perfectly. I knew the family understood him. He was getting their undivided attention and I was able to save more lives.

I have been able to learn about others too. Sometimes we give the greatest gift of all, love.
It’s okay to fall in love and even keep those that you can give that , “ best possible life” to. It’s also okay to send them to another great life.
My heart is right there with you.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[jcat]

I don’t know if you have ever heard back after a foster is adopted out.

I think getting updates - especially from besotted new owners - helps a lot. We've got a Whatsapp group we ask adopters whether they're interested in joining, and about half are. Some post just once or twice, while others are very active and regularly post photos, videos and funny stories. People who've fostered are in the group, of course. Perhaps your shelter could start something similar.

 

[Jcatbird]

I think getting updates - especially from besotted new owners - helps a lot. We've got a Whatsapp group we ask adopters whether they're interested in joining, and about half are. Some post just once or twice, while others are very active and regularly post photos, videos and funny stories. People who've fostered are in the group, of course. Perhaps your shelter could start something similar.

I love that idea! The updates I have gotten have made me so happy for the kitties. If you could get your shelter to start that it would help you and every foster home they have. Fosters should know how much joy they have given to the kitties and their new families.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

~ I hope you are allowed to visit them at the shelter until they are adopted
Best wishes ...

 

[kittychick]

We've fostered something near 125/150 cats and kittens - - --and it's still SO hard giving them up. It's extra hard since we often take the ones who need socialization, so between me and my hubby, we spend large parts of our days with them, working with them (we work from home). We cry every time one either goes back to a shelter, or even when we find them adopters before they even have to go back to the shelter. The last time we'd worked so long and hard with three kittens to socialize them that I looked at my hubby when we got to the shelter and said "I can't take them in - I just can't..." I could see my hubby from the car, putting them into their cages...I could see him taking them out of our carrier one by one, kissing them on the head before he put them into their cage ("cage" sounds so bad, but it's a great shelter). When he got to the car he had tears streaming down his face and said to me "Don't EVER make me do that alone again! That's too hard!"

So, needless to say, you're not alone in feeling it's so tough to give them back. I think every foster out there has similar stories and feelings. That's why a large portion of us have several "failed fosters" (we're currently "down" to two failed fosters and one TNR'd feral we socialized and kept inside - -- but at one point we had 6 failed fosters!). And I know I always feel guilty too -- for the exact reason you said - - that you feel like you almost tricked them into thinking this was their forever home. But they really do adapt SO quickly to new forever homes. I try to remind myself that because of our hard work, time and love, we've gotten them to the point someone WILL come in and fall in love with them...and it frees up space at our house so we can help more kitties who need us. I'll also say we finally had to take some time off from fostering (this is my first summer in 30 years I haven't had at least one foster) - - our hearts just needed a break. My husband's always the logical one, saying "we can't keep them all"....which is why if he's not here to be the voice of reason, I'll be the first person an ambulance driver has ever seen die from being buried under a pile of foster kittens! (not a bad way to go though!).

We too ask to stay in touch and get updates if the adopter's comfortable with that. If they do go back to the shelter, we leave a little sheet at the shelter that goes home with each one when they're adopted, and the sheet gives my name and email, telling them we won't harass them but we'd love updates, and the sheet also explains what they were like and what they liked while we had them - quiet and sweet or full of the 3:00 zoomies, laser toys, wand toys, cat nip, Da Bird, etc. And if we adopt them straight from our house, we do the same. And probably at least half of our ex-fosters we do get updates on - - little pics, etc. We actually still visit several of them! It makes me feel a bit better letting them go - - knowing that hopefully I'll see them again - in person or in photos. It really helps us alot.

It sounds like you did a fantastic job - - - and few people can do it. So keep a box of Kleenex handy for a week, but also remember to pat yourself on the back periodically. You're the reason they're adoptable!

 

[Jcatbird]

 

[marmoset]

I’m so glad we have forums like this nowadays. When I talk to people who have been fosters in person they make it seem like they are used to it. I’m still not used to it. I always tell myself that next time will be easier but it hasn’t happened yet.

I ended up sending my husband with them. I have a very hard time crying in front of people and the drop off was during a board meeting so too many people to lose it in front of.

So far they are happy at the shelter. They are caged for now but they like other cats and are happily playing and enjoying life. In the past I have seen kittens have the time of their lives at the shelter. Its kind of like my home is a little country theme park but the shelter is Disney World.

I love the idea of staying connected to adopters. I have never heard from one. We have someone who reaches put to check on placements at the six month mark but a lot of times we don’t hear back and that makes it harder because there is a loss of control and bad things do occasionally happen. Our home is not perfect but one thing we can say is that we are observant and mindful which prevents a whole ton of problems.

We are keeping two from this litter so that makes us an 8 cat home. We will still be doing TnR and fostering and it’s still going to make me cry. The only times I question why I do this is when I have to leave them with uncertain futures.

 

[Jcatbird]

You gave them the best opportunity they could ever have been given. Imagine if you had not helped them. They experienced love too so they have the tools to work with to win over any human they encounter. In my experience, the people who go to the trouble and expense to adopt from shelters have love in their hearts too.
As for those there who seem to be able to handle it..... I worked with a foster too. At first I thought the same thing about her. As we got to know each other better, I did see she did a wonderful job with the kittens she worked with. At one point ( I live alone ) I broke down and cried about giving up kitties. She offered kind words but still seemed to have some way to deal with it better than I did. We continued to work together and communicated through texts. Then one day my phone rang. It was her. A couple of days before she had given up the last of the kittens in her home. For the first time in a very long time her home was empty. She ended up coming to see me and crying in my shoulder. We had the longest conversation we had ever had. Those around you deal with this too. They may not let you see it or they may just keep bringing kittens in to hold off the feelings but at some point, we all share that feeling. My foster friend had kept the feelings from being so intense by trying to focus on the next kitties that needed help. I know from working to help humans and kitties over many years that as long as we help others, we help ourselves too. You could try to set up a blog locally for those who adopt or put up a place for people to share photos of kitties they got there. I connected with a shelter worker who would text me as my kitties were being adopted. I sent a bio in to be given to the new family. I don’t know all the stories but each good report made things a little easier. Maybe if you could come on TCS and find someone who wants to learn about helping kitties or fostering, you might find it carries you forward a little. So many here need help and then there are the wonderful stories about adoptions here.....Lots and lots of happy homes. Another kitty somewhere is waiting to meet you and find a good start in life. Please don’t stop. We all need you. Strength is found by joining together. You will inspire more rescues.

 

[marmoset]

For the first time in a very long time her home was empty. She ended up coming to see me and crying in my shoulder. We had the longest conversation we had ever had. Those around you deal with this too. They may not let you see it or they may just keep bringing kittens in to hold off the feelings but at some point, we all share that feeling. My foster friend had kept the feelings from being so intense by trying to focus on the next kitties that needed help... Please don’t stop. We all need you. Strength is found by joining together. You will inspire more rescues.

I think you are right. You must be right! There is no way to give unconditional love and not feel something. Maybe because I've only done X amount of kittens and they've done X times 4 or 5 or 10 I'm still learning how to deal with it. We lost a senior cat this week at the shelter. She was one of those who never warmed up to people despite being fostered almost two decades ago- one of the few who hold out and there was an outpouring of mourning going on within the group of long time volunteers and shelter staff.

There was something about this litter being extra special perhaps because it wasn't out of necessity as in I wasn't trying to stop an escalating problem from my neighborhood but working in the larger shelter system. I don't know why that resonated with me so much but it did. I can say that most of my experience is with older mostly semi-feral community cats. I've only had 13 kittens to rear so the attachment happens much quicker- at least in terms of reciprocity.

The two that went to the shelter have been paired up with a single kitten and now they are a happy trio. It took no adjustment time for them to enjoy each other. They are well loved, well looked after and have constant company so all in all it's a happy story for them. They are gregarious and like attention and they are thriving.

I do hope more people will give fostering a chance or get involved with TnR. It makes a big difference. In my experience with TnR it makes a very tangible difference and I think it's one of the most worthwhile things I've done in life.