This time I need help from parents of “human” children

[lallorona]

Hello everyone,
I am at a wit’s end here. My daughter has separation anxiety at school.

My 5 year old daughter started kindergarten last Wednesday.
At pick up, the teacher told me that she cried. I figured well it’s the first day, she’ll eventually get used to it. WRONG.
It’s been 8 days as of today, and out of those 8 days, only once did she have a cry-free day. I work, so my mother is the one that takes her to school. I took a day off on the first day so that I can take her and pick her up and meet her teacher.
My mom tells me that every day in the morning she is all smiles, and excited and even tells my mom to “hurry up” lol but at drop off she changes. She starts to get teary eyed and later we find out she was crying. When I ask my daughter why she cries she says it’s because she misses me. But this is everyday now. I figured she’d be used to it.
I have tried everything: I’ve tried talking to her about her emotions and validating her feelings, talked about how fun school can be and all the things she will learn. We talk about all the fun things she did, I told her it’s ok to miss me, but at the end of the day we will be see each other. I’ve read books to her, one of which a girl started a new school. But nothing seems to work.

this morning my mom fixed hair her up really nice, a hairdo that she requested and was excited to show off at school, but at drop off she started getting teary eyed. Now the teacher wants a parent conference with me and will refer her to a counselor to see if they can help her with her separation anxiety— which I am 100% for if this means it will help her cope.

i don’t know if maybe I’m doing something wrong. She rarely had this issue in preschool. I don’t know what else to do. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to help my own child.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

What about having some kind of bracelet or something you both wear so she feels connected to you? I’ve seen cute little matching sets online. (Amazon, Etsy)

 

[lallorona]

What about having some kind of bracelet or something you both wear so she feels connected to you? I’ve seen cute little matching sets online. (Amazon, Etsy)

That’s not a bad idea!
Only problem is that she will most likely take it off and play with it, and very likely to lose it! Lol

 

[heatherwillard0614]

What about having some kind of bracelet or something you both wear so she feels connected to you? I’ve seen cute little matching sets online. (Amazon, Etsy)

This is a great idea.
lallorona I don't think you are doing anything at all wrong. She is 5 and misses her momma. Are you home by the time she gets out of school?
I'm kind of confused as to the school system though.. in my area kids don't go to kindergarten until they are 6... my nephew missed the cut off date by 2 days so he had to do another year of head start (preschool) honestly though it helped him better prepare for kindergarten. When he went to kindergarten he was 7.

I figured all kindergarten started at 6years old.
Do you have a day off during the weekend?
Maybe you could do a mommy daughter day just the two of you.. i did this with my mom when I was a kid. She worked all the time so I never seen her during the school week until almost bed time. So every Friday or Saturday depending on if she had a short Friday or not... we would go out for dinner or to the park.. anything that was just the two of us. She called it our mommy daughter day. I did this with my mom through middle school. I would have through high-school too but I was in sports. I think it strengthened our relationship to have a day for just the two of us.

Also I think getting something like this would help her a lot..

Amazon.com

It is so cute and I think she being a little girl would love it. They are magnetic and the little message is cute. Every day when you see her after school you and her could connect the bracelets and you could say something with her about how you guys are always going to be together maybe not always in person because of work and school but you complete each other...
Maybe this would help her while she is at school knowing you have the other half of the heart on your bracelet and every day you guys come back together.

 

[Kat0121]

That’s not a bad idea!
Only problem is that she will most likely take it off and play with it, and very likely to lose it! Lol

Does she have a little backpack? What about a keychain that has a picture of the two of you in/on it? You can clip it to her backpack and she can look at it when she's missing you. This is normal behavior. School just started. She will be ok.

On my first day of kindergarten I decided I didn't like it so I left and walked home. I remember it well. I remember pushing that big door open and leaving. When I walked up the driveway my parents were walking out the door to go to the store. Mom called the school. They hadn't even noticed I was gone. I knew how to get there and home because my older brothers used to take me there to play on the swings. I was 5 and they were 6 and 8. It was 1975. Imagine if that happened today.

ETA: Do they have cubbies in the room? If she doesn't have a backpack but does have a cubby you can laminate a picture and attach it to the wall of the cubby so she can see it when she gets anything from it.

 

[neely]

I'm kind of confused as to the school system though.. in my area kids don't go to kindergarten until they are 6. I figured all kindergarten started at 6years old.

It depends on what state you live in and the cut off date for the child's birthday. In our state the cut off date is September 1st for a 5 year old to start kindergarten.

i don’t know if maybe I’m doing something wrong. She rarely had this issue in preschool. I don’t know what else to do. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to help my own child.

As others have said you're not doing anything wrong. As a parent and teacher myself it sounds like she may not feel comfortable in school yet even though she did not have this problem in preschool. Is her kindergarten a half-day or full day? Are there any kids at her school who were in preschool with her? If so, you may want to arrange a play date for your daughter and have the two or more students go into school together, meet at recess, etc. Speaking to a counselor is a good idea but I would suggest you talk to the counselor prior to determine if it's the right fit for your daughter. There should be a school social worker available also. I would also encourage you to speak to her teacher and have the teacher give her a job to do in the classroom that she would look forward to and enjoy. This would help with her self-confidence.

Kindergarten is a big step for some children and not all of them react with the same amount of enthusiasm. The fact that you mentioned she smiles and acts excited about going to school is a good sign. She just needs some positive reinforcement from someone at school. It may not happen overnight but I think she will acclimate once she feels more comfortable. I feel for you and hope your daughter will make some good friends, trust her teacher(s) and look forward to this new chapter in her life.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

That’s not a bad idea!
Only problem is that she will most likely take it off and play with it, and very likely to lose it! Lol

I'd have to talk it up to my kids about not taking it off. Mising mommy motivation might help with that too.

 

[Jem]

Does she cry all day or just for the first little bit until she starts playing and stuff?

From what I know and heard from several teachers...this is quite normal, yes even 8 days in....if she's crying for a short while anyway. I know of some circumstances where it took several weeks until the child in question went 2-3 consecutive days without a cry/sniffle.
My own neice would just sit by herself all sad, eyes always glistening like she may start to cry for a couple weeks until she made a few friends that distracted her. Then she realized that school was fun and went without any issues...but like I said...this is normal for many kids...you're not doing anything wrong.

One thing that I know several teachers and daycare providers have said is to simply not "play into" the crying session or let them dwell on being left. When dropped off, kids tend to get over the "drop off crying session" much faster if the parent/guardian actually leaves quickly.
So you get to school, big smile, kiss, hug, "Love you! have fun!!!!" and get out.
That may or may not help or even apply to your situation but thought I'd share.

 

[Lari]

I like the idea of having a picture of you in her cubby or next to her name tag at her table if they have assigned seats.

I'm assuming this is a different school building from where she went to preschool. Is it more hours? Just the difference there might be what's making it harder for her.

 

[kashmir64]

I'm kind of confused as to the school system though.. in my area kids don't go to kindergarten until they are 6... my nephew missed the cut off date by 2 days so he had to do another year of head start (preschool) honestly though it helped him better prepare for kindergarten. When he went to kindergarten he was 7.

My son started Kindergarten at 5, but he was in Head Start when he was 4, which helped him.

I think the bracelet or even a silicon ring (something easily replaced) is a good idea.
I wish I could help more, but it was me that had the separation anxiety when he went to school.

 

[lallorona]

CORRECTION: It wasn’t preschool, it was TK (Transitional Kindergarten) SORRY!

She stays ALL DAY. From 8:45 am to 2:45 pm. She had the same hours in TK. I get out at 2 pm from work, but it’s about a 40 min drive from my job to my moms house, so by the time I get there she is already on her way out. The school is just around the corner, a 5 minute walk. So as soon as I park I start walking to the school where I eventually meet up with my mom and daughter. I have weekends off, which is when I spend time with her.

Her crying varies. Some days she cries all day, other days she cries at drop off. She has her little friend with whom she plays with. They had the same class last school year

she does not have a cubby. The teacher has actually asked us not to send backpacks— only a lunchbags and water due to their limited space in the classroom.

I am happy to report that this morning although she got teary, the rest of the day she did not cry. Last week and all of this week Parent’s were allowed to walk the kindergartners to their classrooms. But starting Monday, they will no longer allow
parents in, which means my mom can’t walk with her- she will have to walk to her classroom by herself. The good news is that her classroom is 2 doors away from her old TK classroom, so she knows the way. But I am not sure how she’ll do. I’m kind of nervous for her.

 

[lallorona]

This is a great idea.
lallorona I don't think you are doing anything at all wrong. She is 5 and misses her momma. Are you home by the time she gets out of school?
I'm kind of confused as to the school system though.. in my area kids don't go to kindergarten until they are 6... my nephew missed the cut off date by 2 days so he had to do another year of head start (preschool) honestly though it helped him better prepare for kindergarten. When he went to kindergarten he was 7.

I figured all kindergarten started at 6years old.
Do you have a day off during the weekend?
Maybe you could do a mommy daughter day just the two of you.. i did this with my mom when I was a kid. She worked all the time so I never seen her during the school week until almost bed time. So every Friday or Saturday depending on if she had a short Friday or not... we would go out for dinner or to the park.. anything that was just the two of us. She called it our mommy daughter day. I did this with my mom through middle school. I would have through high-school too but I was in sports. I think it strengthened our relationship to have a day for just the two of us.

Also I think getting something like this would help her a lot..

Amazon.com

It is so cute and I think she being a little girl would love it. They are magnetic and the little message is cute. Every day when you see her after school you and her could connect the bracelets and you could say something with her about how you guys are always going to be together maybe not always in person because of work and school but you complete each other...
Maybe this would help her while she is at school knowing you have the other half of the heart on your bracelet and every day you guys come back together.

This is so cute, I love it! I would prefer something that will be hard for her to remove though. I love that idea of connecting the hearts!

 

[lallorona]

It depends on what state you live in and the cut off date for the child's birthday. In our state the cut off date is September 1st for a 5 year old to start kindergarten.



As others have said you're not doing anything wrong. As a parent and teacher myself it sounds like she may not feel comfortable in school yet even though she did not have this problem in preschool. Is her kindergarten a half-day or full day? Are there any kids at her school who were in preschool with her? If so, you may want to arrange a play date for your daughter and have the two or more students go into school together, meet at recess, etc. Speaking to a counselor is a good idea but I would suggest you talk to the counselor prior to determine if it's the right fit for your daughter. There should be a school social worker available also. I would also encourage you to speak to her teacher and have the teacher give her a job to do in the classroom that she would look forward to and enjoy. This would help with her self-confidence.

Kindergarten is a big step for some children and not all of them react with the same amount of enthusiasm. The fact that you mentioned she smiles and acts excited about going to school is a good sign. She just needs some positive reinforcement from someone at school. It may not happen overnight but I think she will acclimate once she feels more comfortable. I feel for you and hope your daughter will make some good friends, trust her teacher(s) and look forward to this new chapter in her life.

She stays full day. Everyday 8:45 am to 2:45 pm, except Wednesdays they get out early at 1:45 pm. Once she’s in 1st grade she will start getting out at 3 pm, but hopefully she’ll be over it by then.
She does have a few of her old classmates in her class, some of which she plays with. While she’s in the playground she’s happy. But in the morning, and during class I believe is when the crying happens. The first day the teacher told me she cried a lot, and when I asked her why she said “because my tummy was hurting”, but I think it was just nerves. She sometimes asks when is she going to go back to her old teacher. So I think she doesn’t quite understand that moving up a grade= new classroom, new teacher, even though I tried preparing her prior to her starting school again. “ you will have a new teacher in kindergarten. Ms. M will not be your teacher anymore because she is a teacher for the little kids. Your new teacher is Ms. B and she is the teacher for big kids like you.” (She loves being told that she is “big”)

 

[lallorona]

Does she have a little backpack? What about a keychain that has a picture of the two of you in/on it? You can clip it to her backpack and she can look at it when she's missing you. This is normal behavior. School just started. She will be ok.

On my first day of kindergarten I decided I didn't like it so I left and walked home. I remember it well. I remember pushing that big door open and leaving. When I walked up the driveway my parents were walking out the door to go to the store. Mom called the school. They hadn't even noticed I was gone. I knew how to get there and home because my older brothers used to take me there to play on the swings. I was 5 and they were 6 and 8. It was 1975. Imagine if that happened today.

ETA: Do they have cubbies in the room? If she doesn't have a backpack but does have a cubby you can laminate a picture and attach it to the wall of the cubby so she can see it when she gets anything from it.

No backpacks. I did buy her a small LOL Suprise doll backpack (she LOVES LOL surprise dolls) but the teacher asked us to only send them with a lunch bag and a water bottle due to limited space in the classroom, but they can not have it on their desk. They have a little “closet”, which is basically just a rod with hooks where they hang their lunch bags.

 

[Neko-chan's mama]

I'm not a parent, but I am a teacher and I've always considered the first 2-3 weeks as the transitional period. I'm a little surprised that the teacher is requesting a conference after only 8 days. Kindergarten is also a lot harder now than it was, it's more like first of even second grade. I wish Americans would realize that 4-6 year olds don't need to have their heads crammed with a bunch of facts, but instead need to learn how to interact with others, how to speak well, and be a member of a community. But I have no idea how to get that message out there when everyone is convinced earlier is better.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Hopefully she will be through this soon. Sometimes our nerves just don’t like change and it takes time.

I’m still trying to think of things. We used to make bracelets out of cross stitch threads and put them on our ankles as kids. They got tied on so they went in the tub with us until we cut them off. I’m not sure if I’d have wanted my kids to wear something that could get snagged on the playground if they were in sandals. Not at that age.

What kind of shoes does she wear? You could put a bead or two on her shoelaces somewhere if she has that kind. My son has some of those stretchy laces you don’t actually tie but they have a clip so I could unlace them.

Maybe doing little affirmations or a little poem would be comforting too.

 

[kashmir64]

After giving it some thought, my best advice is just to let it be. She will get used to the idea, make friends and start having fun. It will be rough for awhile, but she will adapt.
We all went through this and don't even remember it for the most part. And we all still love our mothers. (well, we don't dislike them for this reason)