Here is my last post that will give you the story of what happened to her http://www.thecatsite.com/forums/sho...d.php?t=186567
I can go for a few days without breaking down but I think of her all the time, sometimes so much I can't do anything, everything reminds me of her and I am starting to realize now that I will not be able to get through this, I have to, I have two sons and a husband that need me and I know I will have to do the best that I can for them but how can I get this to stop controlling my thoughts, I can't stop thinking of her, I look for a piece of her fur in my house on clothes that are in my closet that I knew that I wore when she was alive, I dream of her, I dreamed of her the other night that I was carrying her out to a car and rolled down the window for her then I carried her back to the house, I don't know what that dream meant but now for some reason I am thinking in my head when I see her again she will be so mad at me, hurt from me getting her declawed, not seeing the signs early enough that she was infected, not taking care of her like I should have, I can't deal with this guilt, I seriously want to see her again right now and tell her I love her so much and hold her. I know if she died of natural causes I would be so sad but knowing that I made decisions that took her life, I can't live with that.
I don't want to be put on meds to help me because the bottom line is, no matter what the reality is that I feel guilt and nothing can erase that, nothing and no-one.
I have adopted another cat that needed a home and yes I love her but it hasn't made things better, so I guess I am just going to have to deal with this the rest of my life, I deserve to suffer for what I have done and just look forward to the day that I see her again and now I wonder if she will even want to see me? I am just heartbroken beyond words.
I can go for a few days without breaking down but I think of her all the time, sometimes so much I can't do anything, everything reminds me of her and I am starting to realize now that I will not be able to get through this, I have to, I have two sons and a husband that need me and I know I will have to do the best that I can for them but how can I get this to stop controlling my thoughts, I can't stop thinking of her, I look for a piece of her fur in my house on clothes that are in my closet that I knew that I wore when she was alive, I dream of her, I dreamed of her the other night that I was carrying her out to a car and rolled down the window for her then I carried her back to the house, I don't know what that dream meant but now for some reason I am thinking in my head when I see her again she will be so mad at me, hurt from me getting her declawed, not seeing the signs early enough that she was infected, not taking care of her like I should have, I can't deal with this guilt, I seriously want to see her again right now and tell her I love her so much and hold her. I know if she died of natural causes I would be so sad but knowing that I made decisions that took her life, I can't live with that.
I don't want to be put on meds to help me because the bottom line is, no matter what the reality is that I feel guilt and nothing can erase that, nothing and no-one.
I have adopted another cat that needed a home and yes I love her but it hasn't made things better, so I guess I am just going to have to deal with this the rest of my life, I deserve to suffer for what I have done and just look forward to the day that I see her again and now I wonder if she will even want to see me? I am just heartbroken beyond words.