The Equal Time Department

[deb25]

After reading Michelerad's thread today on Words Women Use, I thought it only fair to give the gentlemen equal time.

Fortunately, this ditty arrived in email today. (What timing, huh?)

MALE LANGUAGE PATTERNS

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates
have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong." (Right, Chuck?!?)

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."

"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."

"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

 

[donna]

Deb25

How about this one...

"I need space" REALLY MEANS "I've met someone else and I'm leaving you"

 

[deb25]

Amen to that, sister. Also known as "I think we should see other people."

 

[chloe111]

Thanks Deb... again!!! Just what I needed to hear.
Ugh... MEN!

 

[debra myers]

I can say nothing other than.........

(that is what this thread made me do!)

 

[airprincess]

those were hilarious!!! I'm here with my boyfriend right now & I read them out loud to him. he laughed at a few of him


the first one is totally him! and so is the 'it's a guy thing'

 

[michelerad]

Deb:

Those were great and OH SO TRUE. Thanks for sharing

 

[meowman]

Now, how did I suddenly get this reputation? Nice little add on there Deb in red. LOL>

Geez, I'm not THAT bad! I mean....if she were wearing a regular bikini, that would be fine! :-)

 

[deb25]

Chuck,

You're the one who decided to be open and honest about all that male libido stuff over in the relationship thread. I'm just callin' it as I read it.

Thought you'd enjoy being highlighted in red.

At least you know somebody's reading and remembering. (You know we women never forget anything!)

 

[cassandra_starr]

LOL Great thread. I of course read them out to Craig as I was reading them. All he could do was laugh and shake his head. I also read the woman one out to him. You know the "Fine, Nothing, Okay" thing. He said that every single one of those fit me perfectly. Is that bad or good? LOL

--Cass

 

[meowman]

Your now going to give me s*** about it! LOLOL!

 

[deb25]

Nope, not me! I am perfectly willing to admit when I behave like "you women". I only get fired up when I am accused and not guilty as charged.

I only figured that quote was you, because she obviously must have had nice legs or a$$. What do I know of male motivation for flowers? I've only gotten them one time in my life. I guess I've been involved with that subset of guys who don't believe in buying them (or the chick selling them was some nasty old guy with no teeth). Maybe the outlawing of the thong in public around here has something to do with it........

 

[threeleggedkat]

Deb, Chuck, et all; Just thought I'd throw in the fact that I sold flowers as a career for over 35yrs. and many, many times a guy in my shoppe, picking up flowers to mend or further a relationship; came on to me and I played/milked it for all it was worth. Anytime said male customer came on too strong or said a typical GUY thing like: "You know, she loves flowers, and, hey; I might just get LUCKY!" I made sure to write down my first name and phone # on the inside of the paper I was wraping the flowers with because we're all SISTERS and "Hey, she might just get wise. . . . . "

:girly1::girly2::flash::flash:

 

[deb25]

Yech, maybe I'm glad I don't get flowers!

 

[meowman]

WARNING! The following two jojes I recieved in an email today and are worded nicely, but still of a mature nature. So, don't read further if you won't laugh at such risque' material!

Whew....

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the
doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something
to tell you about your child..."
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her
face and says, "What's wrong with my baby?"
The doctor says, "There's nothing wrong with your
baby, it's just a little different. It's a
hermaphrodite."
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite,
what's that?"
The doctor replies, "It has both features of a
male and a female."
The woman looks at him and says, "Whew"...You mean
it has a penis AND a brain?"



He's a Goner


A man and a woman were dating. She being of a
religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that
he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even
seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she
remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's
play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed
limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her
blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and
traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very
excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the
road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His
girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried
to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get hlep," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she
replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of
his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs
to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for
help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked,
crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her
story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's
stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between
her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm
afraid he'a a goner!"

 

[cassandra_starr]

Those were great MeowMan.. LOL The last one especially! ROTFLMAO! Thanks for sharing!!

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing2 :laughing2 :laughing2

-Cass

 

[deb25]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

I think I need oxygen over here!

 

[debby]

Chuck....those were really funny....I liked the first one the best! :laughing2: