The Bonding Process

[Friend's Friend]

Hey everyone!

Recently Friend's been showing a lot of progress in his comfort-level with me, which melts my heart, so I thought it might be a neat idea if anyone wanted to share stories about the bonding process with their cats? Especially if one adopts from a shelter or rescue, the poor kitty can often have a lot of residual trust-issues and anxiety. And sometimes it can be hard to remember the moments where they've subtly said "I think I trust you a little more, hu-mon."

When I first adopted Friend, he was friendly, but preferred to spend most of his time under the bed. Eventually under-the-bed became curled-up-in-the-bathroom-sink (which is still his go-to hiding place and Generally Cool Spot), but over the past few months he's been curling up more and more on my desk when I'm on the computer, and boldly plopping himself on the keyboard, regardless of what I'm up to. He's started voluntarily crawling into my lap, and curling up behind me in my chair. He'll let me rest my cheek against his side and listen to him purr. He purrs A LOT.

I'll also never forget the first day that I came home from work and he greeted me not only with his little chirps and excessive head-rubs but by actually rolling around on the kitchen floor.

Finally, while he still doesn't sleep on my bed all night, and sometimes he's still at my feet, more and more often I'll go to bed or wake up with him curled up at my side (rear end facing my head, of course--but then he'll be caressing me with his tail, which I've read is a good thing).

Anyway . . . I'd love to hear your stories of your kitty coming to trust you and being more comfortable with themself and their new home.

 

[abyeb]

Aww! That is such a sweet story! Thanks for sharing!

With Charlie, the bonding process went surprisingly fast. He hid under the bed for a bit the first day I brought him home, but after sitting in the room with him, and talking to him softly, he began exploring the room, before approaching me for cuddles.

 

[danteshuman]

I got both my boys as kittens. The process was almost instant for Dante, he latched onto me like a lifeline .. and I puuurrred at the wee baby (?7? weeks old.) Salem took a week or two ... we got him at 4 months. In all fairness Salem picked my x-husband, so I was the extra human he had to learn to like. But Salem was friendly with me from the get go, just not bonded for a couple of weeks.

 

[susanm9006]

Willow just had her eight birthday and seventh anniversary of being adopted by me. She was a semi feral with one failed adoption and more than a month at the shelter before I adopted her. Initially she wasn’t just terrified of me but of everything in the house, from appliances to plastic bags and had periods of anxiety where she would run from hiding place to hiding place a dozen times a day.

It has been a slow road from then to now, with many setbacks along the way, but in the last year she had moved from sleeping at the end of the bed only to now nightly claiming the pillow next to me as soon as I lay down; not only jumping on the sofa while I am sitting there but actually laying down and napping right next to me, and the biggest leap forward, in the last six months she has only had ONE high anxiety day where she ran from hiding place to hiding place. In the past if she only had one of these bad days in a week she was doing great.

She just isn’t a cat you can push to do anything so I feel fortunate that she keeps inching forward on her own.

 

[LAL]

Melody slept on my bed from day 1, probably because I'd been kind to her and she was desperately anxious in a new place after several months in shelters. For several weeks, I'd come home from work and find her coming out of various hiding spots--bookcase headboard being the favorite.

But, it was about 3 months into being together and after dental surgery, that I really felt I belonged to her. She was disoriented from the anesthesia and pain shot. She spent the night pressed up against me--getting soothed whenever I had to make my own 'litter box' run. After a post-op vet visit, I think something 'clicked' in her and she realized she was HOME--it was her home for keeps.

[Poor thing must have thought those trips in the carrier were each going to end with her going back to a cage at the shelter.]

 

[duckpond]

Three of my 4 were all love bugs from day one. They were all rescues, and seemed so happy to have a home. They wanted pets, and love from day one. My little white girl has been a struggle.

I got her from the humane society, she was 6 to 8 weeks old, and they had her spayed the previous day. She was too small and too young she had all kinds of problems with her spay, infection, reactions to the suture materials, separation, everything you can think of almost she had it. My vet and i spent about 5 months trying to save her, there were times we didnt think she would make it. At the end of the 5 months she had one final surgery, held together with stainless steel staples, and the vet kept her for two weeks. During all of this she still tried to play, and was a loving kitten.

But after her 2 week vet stay she came home healthy and healing, but wanted NO ONE to touch her, or get close at all.

She didnt even want to be in the same room with any one, and touch was out of the question. And she refused to eat wet food, which had always been what she wanted. I let her be. She would come sit in the door way, and i would talk to her softly. But if you got up she would run and hide. 6 or 7 months of this went on, then she got to where she would let you walk around, as long as you made no move toward her, then she started playing with me and a long feather wand. Still no pets, and no touches, but she liked to play. Then a few months after that she started sleeping on the foot of my bed, no touches or pets, but she would sleep there again. And it has just slowly continued to get better. Now 3 years later she will actually come up for a pet, she still runs most of the time if she thinks you are picking her up, or you try to pet more than 2 or 3 times. she will sit on the couch with us, occasionally, but not touching. And she is a big snuggle bug in bed now. As soon as i go to bed she jumps in with me, snuggles right up against my chest and wants pets and snuggles, but only in bed. I am very happy about this, that she lets me love on her at all I am hopeful that as more time goes on she will become more snugly out of bed. I try to softly encourage it, but it will be if and when she decides. She went through so much i dont ever want to force her to be touched, if she does not want it.

She still refuses wet food, but i still offer it to her 2x daily. Maybe someday. She is my special cat, i think because of such a rough start to her young life. I bonded to her during that, she is my baby girl

 

[Tobermory]

The first time I saw Mocha, she was in the isolation room with three foster kittens at the animal sanctuary where I volunteer. New kitties always spend a couple of weeks in Iso before going to the general population room to make sure they won’t pass on anything. There she was, about two years old, a gorgeous cream color with a small heart shaped face and three kittens tumbling around her. And absolutely terrified of humans. No one could touch her. She stayed untouchable for the next year and a half. No one adopted her, of course; she hid whenever anyone came into the room. But I fell in love with her.

Last September, wildfires threatened the sanctuary and all 60+ animals had to be evacuated from chicken to alpacas to the 800-pound pigs. They asked me to shelter three of the cats. I kept Mocha, Tippy and BB for two weeks before it was safe to return them. By then, I knew Mocha was mine.

Mocha hid for weeks, but I spent as much time as I could sitting in the same room and talking to her. I can’t remember how long it was before I could touch her, but it was so amazing the first time she put her little forehead against my leg and purred! It’s been almost eight months, and she’s still nervous, but she waits by the door when I come home, comes running to be combed, and like @duckpond’s little girl, she’s a snuggle bug in bed...but only in bed. The other two kitties, Lily and Iris, are adjusting to their little sister, although Lily does avoid her. I’m so glad I brought her into our lives!

Here’s the gang actually using something I bought for them...together...for a split second.

 

[duckpond]

The first time I saw Mocha, she was in the isolation room with three foster kittens at the animal sanctuary where I volunteer. New kitties always spend a couple of weeks in Iso before going to the general population room to make sure they won’t pass on anything. There she was, about two years old, a gorgeous cream color with a small heart shaped face and three kittens tumbling around her. And absolutely terrified of humans. No one could touch her. She stayed untouchable for the next year and a half. No one adopted her, of course; she hid whenever anyone came into the room. But I fell in love with her.

Last September, wildfires threatened the sanctuary and all 60+ animals had to be evacuated from chicken to alpacas to the 800-pound pigs. They asked me to shelter three of the cats. I kept Mocha, Tippy and BB for two weeks before it was safe to return them. By then, I knew Mocha was mine.

Mocha hid for weeks, but I spent as much time as I could sitting in the same room and talking to her. I can’t remember how long it was before I could touch her, but it was so amazing the first time she put her little forehead against my leg and purred! It’s been almost eight months, and she’s still nervous, but she waits by the door when I come home, comes running to be combed, and like @duckpond’s little girl, she’s a snuggle bug in bed...but only in bed. The other two kitties, Lily and Iris, are adjusting to their little sister, although Lily does avoid her. I’m so glad I brought her into our lives!

Here’s the gang actually using something I bought for them...together...for a split second.

Lovely gang of kitties!

 

[LAL]

The first time I saw Mocha, she was in the isolation room with three foster kittens at the animal sanctuary where I volunteer. New kitties always spend a couple of weeks in Iso before going to the general population room to make sure they won’t pass on anything. There she was, about two years old, a gorgeous cream color with a small heart shaped face and three kittens tumbling around her. And absolutely terrified of humans. No one could touch her. She stayed untouchable for the next year and a half. No one adopted her, of course; she hid whenever anyone came into the room. But I fell in love with her.

Last September, wildfires threatened the sanctuary and all 60+ animals had to be evacuated from chicken to alpacas to the 800-pound pigs. They asked me to shelter three of the cats. I kept Mocha, Tippy and BB for two weeks before it was safe to return them. By then, I knew Mocha was mine.

Mocha hid for weeks, but I spent as much time as I could sitting in the same room and talking to her. I can’t remember how long it was before I could touch her, but it was so amazing the first time she put her little forehead against my leg and purred! It’s been almost eight months, and she’s still nervous, but she waits by the door when I come home, comes running to be combed, and like @duckpond’s little girl, she’s a snuggle bug in bed...but only in bed. The other two kitties, Lily and Iris, are adjusting to their little sister, although Lily does avoid her. I’m so glad I brought her into our lives!

Here’s the gang actually using something I bought for them...together...for a split second.

Melody also will only snuggle in bed. I can touch her, but not really pet her any place else. 'Snuggle' is also the only word she reliably recognizes and responds to. She loves to have me give her what I call a 'neck' rub with the occasional chin-rub tossed in. She'll slowly keel to her right side and rest her head on my right hand as a pillow while I keep petting her with the left.

 

[Tobermory]

She'll slowly keel to her right side and rest her head on my right hand as a pillow while I keep petting her with the left.

How funny! Mocha does something similar. She also nudges Hand 2 if only Hand 1 is petting her.

 

[nansiludie]

Food bring plenty of food and snacks. I've also found catnip helps calm anxious kitties at times.

 

[RajaNMizu]

Both Raja and Mizu are shelter cats. Raja hardly spent anytime at all at the shelter. She was fostered at birth and adopted at 8 weeks but returned due to pneumonia. She went into another foster situation and was on the mend when we adopted her. She is the friendliest of my two felines. Raja will greet anyone who visits, show off her belly, sit in their laps and is as affectionate as can be. While she spent about 20 minutes hiding/exploring when we brought her home, she was sitting in our laps and sleeping in my son's bed that evening. Mizu is more of a "cool" cat. She spent 4 months at the shelter before adopting her. Mizu likes to observe things, follows us around the house and always needs to be near what we are doing. She plays fetch very well. She chooses her moments to be affectionate, hangs out while I have coffee, plays with my makeup brushes on the vanity in the morning and will sit in my lap for brief moments before moving onto something else. Both are well bonded with us and with each other but have totally different personalities.

 

[KarenKat]

Olive was also a snuggle-bug day one. Outside (after she was left behind by the second of two former “owners”) she was helpless for cuddles and wouldn’t even eat if you didn’t follow her to the food bowl and pet her while she did it. The first time she spent the night (because the weather was so cold) she was uncertain and stayed on my coat on the floor for a solid 3 hours.

I slept in the basement to make sure she was ok (and to see if she could use a litterbox, unknown to our knowledge). I woke up to her curling up and sleeping on my chest under my neck, with huge desperate purrs. I am still her safety lap when the other cats are too scary.

 

[Tobermory]

Olive was also a snuggle-bug day one. Outside (after she was left behind by the second of two former “owners”) she was helpless for cuddles and wouldn’t even eat if you didn’t follow her to the food bowl and pet her while she did it. The first time she spent the night (because the weather was so cold) she was uncertain and stayed on my coat on the floor for a solid 3 hours.

I slept in the basement to make sure she was ok (and to see if she could use a litterbox, unknown to our knowledge). I woke up to her curling up and sleeping on my chest under my neck, with huge desperate purrs. I am still her safety lap when the other cats are too scary.

Oh, Olive. You lucky girl!

 

[Etarre]

I'm really enjoying everyone's stories about the process of bonding with their kitties. Gwen was born in a foster home as part of a TNR process, and her mother was clearly a house cat, so she was fairly accustomed to humans, although she had a very timid personality. She hid on her first day with me, but I carried her up to my loft bed with me on the first night, and shortly after I turned off the lights, I felt a tiny fuzzy body wedge itself into my armpit. She was pretty quick to bond with me, although always shy around strangers. It helped that she loved being brushed, and would sit on my lap for hours while I brushed her, so lap sitting came very naturally to her.

Gwen was my first cat, and the bonding process with Juniper has been a whole different story, and a huge learning curve for me! Juniper was picked up as a stray, and rescued from a kill shelter by a foster organization. However, she was not placed in a foster home, but taken directly from the shelter to a big adoption fair, where we adopted her. Although they normally do home checks and such, they let us take her home that day, since the other option would be to return her to the shelter. She was about 8 months old at that time, and prior to the 6-8 weeks that she spent in the shelter, we don't know much about her background or prior situation. So whether she's skittish because she has been neglected/mistreated or it's just her personality, we don't know.

Juniper was cautious when we brought her home, and consistently skittish. Loud noises, movement, being approached, and a bunch of other things scared her in her new environment. She was, however, eager to make friends, albeit from a distance and on her own terms. So we played with her a lot, restrained ourselves from reaching toward her, and spent a lot of time talking softly to her. She eventually allowed us to approach and pet her when she was ensconced in her cat tree, and I think she still jumps up there sometimes to solicit our pets.

After a few months, she started occasionally cuddling up to me when I was sleeping, and coming when called and to greet us when we get home. Now, after almost 6 months, she sometimes will stay put if we approach her very slowly, and will allow petting under those circumstances. She also occasionally jumps into my husband's lap to check up on what he's doing when he works at his desk. However, she's still wary if we're both in the room and moving around at the same time-- if she's playing with me and my husband is anywhere nearby, she'll stop playing so that she can focus on keeping an eye on both of us at once. When she occasionally bumps into the furniture during a klutzy moment during play, she's starting to let me look her over to make sure she's OK instead of hiding.

And the other day, in a huge breakthrough, she actually came and sat on my lap while I read a book on my Kindle. And she stayed for a good hour +, fell fast asleep to the point where she was dreaming, and did some epic squirming (she always squirms when she is fast asleep, rather than just catnapping). The funny thing was that she had to approach me several times, with lots of encouragement, and the first few times decided that coming up onto my lap was too scary. When she finally dared to do it on her 4th or 5th try, we'd been doing this little 'approach and run away' routine for a good hour and a half. She has been like this with every big step where she begins to trust us more--I can tell that she wants to be closer and cuddlier, and is struggling to have the confidence to do it. It's a little heartbreaking, and so sweet that she has such a strong desire to connect with us. So I was glad that she trusted me, and hope that she'll do it again the next time I manage to sit still for that long!

But in some ways, the wait made that moment so much more precious than if she'd just hopped up on my lap like it was no big deal the first day we had her. I think the shy cats are well worth the effort, and am always drawn to them.

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for listening! Here's a pic of my brave little girl on my lap for the very first time

:

 

[Tobermory]

It's a little heartbreaking, and so sweet that she has such a strong desire to connect with us.

I think the shy cats are well worth the effort, and am always drawn to them.

I agree wholeheartedly! What a wonderful story. She’s beautiful...and just look at that sweet face!

 

[MargoLane]

Love this! We just got our cat Busy six weeks ago. She'd had a rough go of it for a few months; being sick, in and out of a pet store cage and a foster home with fourteen other cats. She doesn't hate other cats, but she is more interested in human interaction which I think must have been hard to get when competing with so many others. But she was still so confident coming home. She walked out of the carrier, explored her safe room for a few minutes and headed out the door to explore the rest of the condo. She was happy to receive pets and play with us pretty much immediately, so I thought she had bonded well.

But it's been fun to watch her really claim her territory and her people. She's only recently started sleeping at the foot of our bed and snuggling up behind us on the back of the couch. She now lets us pick her up and hold her for a minute, instead of immediately struggling to get down. She follows us from room to room, and wants to be wherever we are. She trills or meows in response to almost anything I say to her. Greets us at the door after work and rolls around on her back every hour or so when we look at her or pay attention to her. Just the other day, she licked my hand. I think now she feels happy and loved (in the way cats do) instead of just unafraid.