Still Missing My Buddy So Much

[satooty]

Hi, everyone. I lost my cat, Meph, Saturday February 16th. He was almost 16 years old, and we spent a lot of time together in his senior years. I believe it was the right time to let him go, but I still have a lot of guilt about his life and I just miss him so much I can't stop crying.
He greeted me almost every morning, sat with me while I watched TV almost every evening, and laid with me while I fell asleep almost every night. I would pet him a little here and there at all these times, but I was always busy. I had to go to work, or read the news or research something, or get to sleep. I knew he wanted more petting. He reached out his paw to me all the time. I would pet him for a moment, then go back to what I was doing. He loved long petting sessions, but I only managed to fit those in once every few months. He wasn't a good lap cat because he didn't like squishy surfaces much, and he would always extend his claws when he finally gave in and tried to sit on my lap. He was frail and I had to pet him carefully. It was a difficult situation.
I feel so bad looking back. Couldn't I have fit in more of what he wanted out of life? Was I really that busy? If I was, then why was he doomed to a life with me, instead of some sweet retired person who had more time?
I don't have a very strong belief in the afterlife, so, for me, it doesn't seem to help to apologize to someone who's gone.
I called a pet loss hotline, and the woman who spoke with me was very nice. She tried explaining that we created these creatures to be needy. It's just a part of their nature. It made me feel better for a little while, but I just keep thinking of how sweet he was. He never did things he thought would annoy me unless it was to paw me for more attention.
My husband says I pet him enough. He points out that they are our pets, here for us. It's our job to keep them fed, healthy, etc., but we should set the limits on how much petting works for us as the owners. They'll be happy enough, either way. It just keeps coming back to me thinking of how sweet he was and he just wanted more petting.
My Dad says I should get another cat quickly, but I'm not sure I can ever get another cat. We have my husband's cat in our home, and when I pet her I feel guilty that I couldn't give that to my cat. She's a lap cat and it's easy to give her a few minutes while I read something online that I'm researching. I just wish I could have given that to Meph.
Part of me thinks that he must have been happy if he kept coming back to me every day. I guess that's what I was thinking while he was alive. I just know he could have been happier.
I hate to think of him as some tool to teach me a lesson about making time for our loved ones. He was too sweet to just be some lesson. He deserved so much better.
Plus, I just miss him at every turn. I can't even sit in a chair without missing having him by my side. When I wake up in the middle of the night I immediately remember he's gone and I start crying again and can't sleep anymore. I have a very long road ahead of me. I will be losing several close family members over the next few years. I am a caretaker for my disabled husband, and I help out with my disabled parents and disabled brother. It's so difficult without my Meph being there for me (and why didn't I reward him more for that?!) I just don't know what to do. Maybe there are no answers, but thank you for hearing my story.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Meph, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

You know, I understand your regrets about not petting him more than you did, but...Know that HE knew you loved him, and that he valued each touch all the more because you didn't smother him with affection. And you said that when he reached out to you, you responded...perhaps not for a long period of time, but you DID respond. That is what counts. He knew and knows now that he was and is loved, and he returns that love still.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi. Thanks for sharing with us, and thank you even more for letting us have a picture of Meph. I am so sorry you lost him, and know it will take a long, long time - maybe forever - to not mourn him and miss him every day.

There is one thing you said that stood out to me for some reason:

Part of me thinks that he must have been happy if he kept coming back to me every day. I guess that's what I was thinking while he was alive. I just know he could have been happier.

He WAS happy, to be sure. I can see that in what you wrote. And, truth be told, we ALL could be happier, if we really want to think in that way - couldn't we?

Don't worry about what you DIDN'T do, focus on what you DID do for him and what he gave back to you. You and he had almost 16 good years together! That is in itself worth celebrating, not being sorry for. When you think of him everyday, remember how good things were, not how maybe they could have been better. It sounds like they were pretty good.

Come back and share more with us whenever you want.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello

RIP Meph, buddy, sweetheart. You loved well while you were here, and you were loved in return. You're now in a place of eternal sunshine and peace, and hopefully your person can find that peace as well.

To the OP, maybe these will help a little;

Lend Me A Kitten

Grieving

 

[les26]

The grief has ahold of you and is playing mind games with you and it will do that and it is normal. We had a cat Skipper who passed suddenly a few years ago, he was crying so bad one day and we caught him and took him to the vet, they suspected a UTI so they gave him a shot but couldn't be sure, the next day he cried a bit in the morning and we figured it would take some time to work and calm him down but when we came home from work he was lying dead on the floor. He never was a cat who got close to us or let us get close to him, he kept to a few other cats that we rescued from outside that he was related to, every now and then he would come up to us but it was rare, and after he passed I remember sitting on the edge of the bed feeling badly saying "I should've tried to get closer to him", but my wife said "that's how he was, we tried but he didn't want it", and my mom said "he had all that he wanted, all that he needed, that's how he chose to live", but that sort of taught me to pay a bit more mind to them all, not saying that you should've done that but it was a learning tool as you called it, and also after Simon and Sebastian died we learned to give them all vitamins and fish oil, some things we slowly learned from those two boys, so we are all learning all the time about things, but you did the best that you could, he knew you loved him but you understandably have your hands full, I am sure that he knew it and understood....

It will take time, but these feelings will lose their strength over you, just go with the emotions and let them out, time is the best thing to heal it but he knew that you cared.....

 

[di and bob]

The good thing about the bond of love you formed with that sweet boy over the years is that it IS eternal. It is a part of you and will never leave you. Don't think of him as gone, the 'essence' that made him who he was, who he will always be, is forever surrounding you and will be with you for the the rest of your days. Noone knows what love is, or what happens after death, they can explain it away as chemicals and hormones but what gives the initial 'spark', why do we connect so deeply with one and not another? It is much more. And only the ones who connect as deeply as you and many others do, can mourn the loss as deeply as you because it is as if a part of you is gone. Physically it is. But the life and love you two shared will always be yours to cherish and to remember.
All those should haves, could haves, are something we all go through when we lose someone we love because none of us are perfect. You cannot be everything to everyone, but in his eyes you were everything to him and he accepted you for who and what you are. Guilt is almost always guarnateed to come after losing someoine we love. That is called grieving.
I know that boy would never want you to feel like this. Your love surrounded him while he was with you, and when he wanted another pet or your attention, and you were not there, he called upon that love he shared and it gave him peace. Just as it is continuing to do and will forever.
Try to not dwell on things you can never change. Purposefully turn your mind to things that bring you joy when they appear, the pain of loss will rule your life if you let it. In this way it claims two lives and that is twice the loss to the world.
He shared your life for 16 years, a wonderfully long life for a cat. Celebrate having him in your life, it would have been a greater tragedy to have never met him at all. Be thankful for what he gave you as he is as thankful for what you gave him.
We all have our regrets. Because none of us can, or will, ever be perfect. Go out and seek to add to his love, to let it grow by sharing it with others. When we love someone, that is the legacy they entrust us with. Not to be hidden in a cold, grieving heart, but to be expanded and allowed to live on through us in this way. Let a new love distract you from your grief, because there will always be more grief on the horizon and you need someone to share it with. You are in no way being disloyal or moving on without him. He will always be right there inside of you. Sharing in your joys, and weeping with you when you need comfort. And so will we if you need us because we understand......

 

[ans5181]

I am so sorry for your loss, your feelings are so normal and understandable. As les26 said, that grief will play tricks on you and mess with your mind. I have had similar thoughts after the loss of each cat I have lost, why didn't i....I could have...but in truth, it's like saying anyone could have done anything differently in any given situation. It's survivor's guilt, plain and simple. You are still here and have to suffer knowing you will not see your friend again. Your baby is at peace. If Meph were here, I feel certain he would tell you how much he loves you and doesn't want to see you sad, because in truth he knew how much he was loved. Animals have an innocence that makes their loss so difficult because we feel responsible for them. Unlike humans, where you may be able to have a bedside conversation and closure because you can apologize and absolve yourself of shortcomings. Since our furry friends don't talk back to us, we don't get the same closure. But Meph led a long and comfortable life surrounded by love, and sought you out, which tells me he had no hard feelings. I am sending peace and comfort your way.

Rest now, sweet Meph...

 

[satooty]

Thank you so much for all of your help, Mamanyt1953 , FeebysOwner , Furballsmom , les26 , di and bob , and ans5181 . Thank you for all your reassurances. It's amazing what grief can do I guess. I appreciate all your posts. I think I'll be re-reading them often as I have attacks of doubt. They are really helping me to not trust my doubts, look at things more realistically, and keep trying to get to that place where I can be OK without him, and maybe someday I'll be able to remember our good times without too much sadness. Thank you, again.

 

[Furballsmom]