Should I View My Cat At This Point?

[daniel625]

I don't mean for this post to seem morbid, but here it goes.

So, I'm thinking of opening my cat's makeshift casket to say one last goodbye to him. But I'm afraid that he might be... unrecognizable at this point. He went back in February, and my Dad wrapped him in a towel and placed him inside a wide plastic container with some dirt and closed the top with the regular side snaps.

The reason I would even think of doing this is because after he went, my Dad practically rushed to bury him and I didn't get to say goodbye. My cat was in my life for a very long time but my Dad, who has had other pets of his own over the years, had already begun getting rid of the cat's things even the day before he passed, and when he did go, I didn't even have time to see his body. I was emotionally debilitated and could only fight up the strength to ask "why are we speed-burning through this"? I had to beg for 20 seconds alone with his wrapped body before Dad whisked him to his final resting place.

After that, looking around the house, it was as though the cat never existed. All evidence of him ever having been there was gone. Maybe it's how my Dad copes, but for me, it was
Way. Too. Fast.

So, part of my wanting to see him once more is for hope of proper closure, while the other half is essentially out of anger over Dad denying me a funeral-esque moment. But like I said, I don't know what to expect to see at this point or even if it would be safe to do. Thoughts?

 

[Kat0121]

No. Please don't. At this point, his body will be unrecognizable to you. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this but what I can tell you is this:

Stop. Stop blaming yourself for his passing. Stop thinking that you are to blame. I understand that everything happened too fast. That happened to me, too. One of my cats passed away very suddenly and I was shell shocked by it. I still am.

After you stop, ask yourself this: "If my cat were sitting beside me and could tell me anything, what would he say?"

Do you want to know what I think he'd say? I think he'd say this:

" I had nothing and then I got YOU. You gave me love, friendship, good food and a warm place to sleep at night. You are my best friend and you always will be. I crossed the bridge immediately following my passing and I am being cared for in the second best way possible. The first best was the time I spent with YOU. I will wait for you, my beloved friend until the time is right for us to be reunited. Until then, please know how much I love you. You did nothing wrong. I will watch over you with all my love until we meet again."

I do not think your dad was trying to hurt you darling. He was trying to ease your suffering. I believe that he was looking out for you. Please be kind to him as I think that he was simply trying to ease your pain. I understand how you feel. Please let us help you during this difficult time.

 

[di and bob]

No, please don't do this. It is difficult enough to see our loved ones waste away at the end, or get disfigured in a traumatic death, but to open a 8 month old buried casket would be more traumatic than what you are going through right now. The remains would in no way resemble your loved one, and the 'essence' of your little one has left, which is why bodies we see sometimes don't even look like those we loved. There is a reason for REST IN PEACE, it means their earthly remains will be allowed to rest, in peace, not disturbed by being dug up. Don't traumatise your broken heart by having this as a last memory.
Your sweet boy can hear you, his new life's path will forever follow yours because your love was spiritual and therefore eternal. Please try not to dwell on this. Try to celebrate having him in your life, and what he brought into it, that is priceless. Removing all visible reminders of a loved one is supposed to help with the grief, but sometimes it helps to see them once again months later, or look at pictures you may have and remember better times, that will bring you comfort. Frame a picture of your precious boy, and superimpose the Rainbow Bridge beside it, it will be sad to look at it now, but will help you remember him and thank him for what he brought into your life. You have a bond with that boy. A bond that can never be taken from you. remember him as he was, not what he is now, because the spirit that made him so special is not there, it is safely kep0t for eternity in your heart and soul. Take care and keep in touch, there is comfort in knowing you are not alone in your grief, and we do care. RIP sweet boy, you will never be forgotten, please send what peace you can to a heart that dearly misses you. Sleep tight, little Prince!

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so sorry you're struggling with the loss of your cat. I found a couple of your earlier posts and I see your dear cat's name was Leo. And that he was 18 years old when he died. That's a really long time. No wonder you miss him and feel everything happened too fast.

But please don't disturb his resting place. Let sweet Leo RIP.

And try not to blame your Dad. I think he rushed everything because he too was feeling the pain of losing your family kitty. And at the same time, he was probably trying to make it less painful for you.

Maybe try telling your Dad how you are feeling. It might help both of you deal with the grief.

Or if you are in the US, the ASPCA has a free grief hotline where you can talk to grief counselors:

Dealing with Pet Loss
There are many forms of grief that are completely normal in the wake of the loss of a beloved pet. For support dealing with the loss of a pet, call our Pet Loss Hotline at (877) GRIEF-10.
End of Life Care

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I was at work 11 years ago when my Tama died. My husband found him and buried him in the back yard before I got home from work. Tama was 19 years old. At first I was angry that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye but then I realized over time that it was better that I didn't see him in death. My last memory of him was him sitting on the bathroom sink playing with my hair tie while I got ready for work. Opening Leo's grave will only bring you more heartache. Visit his grave instead and tell him goodbye. He'll hear you.

 

[wt1964]

That's something that only you can decide. Personally, I can understand you wanting to do this (similarly, I never saw my mom in death, so I never had that final closure). If you decide to do this, you must prepare yourself, as it will likely be terribly unpleasant. But, I understand the need for closure. Do what your heart tells you. Keep us posted.

 

[sabian]

I was at work 11 years ago when my Tama died. My husband found him and buried him in the back yard before I got home from work. Tama was 19 years old. At first I was angry that I didn't get a chance to say goodbye but then I realized over time that it was better that I didn't see him in death. My last memory of him was him sitting on the bathroom sink playing with my hair tie while I got ready for work. Opening Leo's grave will only bring you more heartache. Visit his grave instead and tell him goodbye. He'll hear you.

I just happened to come across this and was wondering how you came to name your cat Tama. I named my cat Tama and it's an unusual name. My Tama passed away back in Feb and I still miss him dearly. Just curious how you came up with the name Tama. Sorry for your loss.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I just happened to come across this and was wondering how you came to name your cat Tama. I named my cat Tama and it's an unusual name. My Tama passed away back in Feb and I still miss him dearly. Just curious how you came up with the name Tama. Sorry for your loss.

Well, its kind of funny that you asked that question and your member name is Sabian. Years ago my former husband and I adopted two kittens, one an orange tabby the other a calico, and we named them Tama (the tabby) and Sabian (the calico). My former husband was a drummer and I suspect you know that Tama is a brand of drums and Sabian is a brand of cymbals. When we divorced I got Tama and he got Sabian. Thank you for your condolences. Tama was a very special cat and I still think of him all the time. I am sorry for the loss of your Tama.

 

[sabian]

I can't say much that hasn't been said. I'm sorry for your loss but I think you should let Leo R.I.P. I think if you carry through with what your thinking the results will be much worse. I'm sure your dad was doing what he thought what was best and probably trying to make it easier on you. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to deal with and no matter how it was handled your always going to question how you handled it. I know I did and still at times do. We do the best that we can. Like Kitty Mommy said. I would visit his grave and tell him good bye. He will hear you. Who knows he may give you a sign that he does.

 

[sabian]

Well, its kind of funny that you asked that question and your member name is Sabian. Years ago my former husband and I adopted two kittens, one an orange tabby the other a calico, and we named them Tama (the tabby) and Sabian (the calico). My former husband was a drummer and I suspect you know that Tama is a brand of drums and Sabian is a brand of cymbals. When we divorced I got Tama and he got Sabian. Thank you for your condolences. Tama was a very special cat and I still think of him all the time. I am sorry for the loss of your Tama.

Oh my god that's amazing! I play the drums and my cat before Tama was Sabian named after the cymbals. Tama was named after the drums which is the brand I play. Sabian I found on the side of the road was a solid white I think Persian Maine Coon mix. He was def and had odd eyes. ( blue and gold ) He was an amazing cat. When I lost him I wanted a cat that looked just like him. I done searches on the internet and that's how I found out about Maine Coons. I got Tama from a breeder and he was absolutely a Phenomenal cat! He is the one pictured looking out of the box. I have a rescue I'm working with now named Manny. I kept the shelters name, it just seemed to fit him. I plan on getting another Maine Coon so Manny will have a buddy. I've been racking my brain to try and come up with another drum name for my next Maine Coon and the only thing I can come up with is Remo like the drum heads. They actually make drums now too.

Thanks for your condolences. I still miss my Tama terribly but having Manny around does make it easier. I still think of Sabian often but that was almost 20 yrs ago and I only had him 4 years. Tama I had 16 and it's only been 6 months.

I just can't believe that someone else had the same mindset to name not only one but two cats the same way I did. That's so weird. I automatically feel connected to you some how. Crazy!

As a side note. After Tama passed I was on youtube and the song Fly to the Angels by Slaughter just jumped out of the blue at me. I listened to it and balled my eyes out listening to it. I put it on the plaque of his urn. It just seem to fit somehow.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

That is pretty amazing! Some cat names are very common but not those two. When you replied asking about how I named Tama and I saw your member name it made me grin because I just knew why our cats had the same names. I guess cat people think alike! What a sweet-faced kitty your Tama was; such soulful eyes! Here is a picture of my Tama.

 

[sabian]

That is pretty amazing! Some cat names are very common but not those two. When you replied asking about how I named Tama and I saw your member name it made me grin because I just knew why our cats had the same names. I guess cat people think alike! What a sweet-faced kitty your Tama was; such soulful eyes! Here is a picture of my Tama.View attachment 199529

Oh my gosh! He's a beautiful Maine Coon! Unbelievable! From the pic his eyes look the same color as my Tama's. I'm assuming he is a he...lol...His face has almost the same bone structure as my Tama. Your Tama's eyes are more oval and the contrast to his coat color is piercing. He gorgeous! Your right. You just don't here those two names as pet names. I wanted something distinct when I was naming them and it just came natural. I always got comments on their names. I heard of one other cat named Tama and he was in Japan. Go figure. It was a mascot or something. I thought about Zildjian as a name. We'll see when it's time. I still can't get over this!...lol...Well hopefully this was a little bit of a distraction from what your going through and put a smile on your face. Take care of yourself and I'll be thinking about you. You know it get's easier with time. I teared up a couple times talking about this but I love talking about him at the same time. Feel free to email me if you need to talk. You can't talk to just anybody about losing a pet. Not everyone get's it! I found this site right after Tama passed and it's been great. I left you a couple of pics of Tama when he was about 3 yrs. Sleep well and dream sweet dreams of Babyboy. I'll see you around the site for sure!

 

[sabian]

D daniel625 I hope you don't mind my interaction with Kitty Mom on your post. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Hang in there buddy. I know you miss Leo. It will get easier over time. Maybe you should think about getting a new kitty. I'm sure Leo would approve. He doesn't want to see you in pain. Think about it! Best of luck to you!

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing your Leo. I can understand your confusion, especially if you are not used to seeing death. At this point, his earthly remains are decomposing and they might make a health hazard. The others are right - remember your precious boy as he looked when you could stroke and love on him. I am a big believer in saying good-bye; I place a lock of my hair next to their nose before burial - you were deprived of that last good-bye. You can still write down your memories. Leo has returned to the ancestors and to those yet to be born - just think, your future little cat, the one scheduled for your future is in the Great Beyond, visiting with Leo and getting his advice about how to be your super cat. It is a tribute to Leo how much you miss him but Leo loves you still and wants you to heal and have kitty love again. You can always send us a Private Message whenever you feel sad. We have been on the path that you are walking now.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I would strongly suggest that you do not. It would distress you needlessly. You loved him and cared for him, don't destroy that memory. I am so, SO sorry that your father didn't give you a chance to say goodbye, but...their bodies no longer hear that goodbye anyway, so say it in your heart if you must. Although I believe that love never dies, and that his spirit and that love remain with you. Hugs, Darlin.

 

[Blakeney Green]

No, I don't think you should. At this point what you are considering would be very traumatic to you, and I don't think it's how your cat would want you to remember him.

My suggestion would be to find something else you can do for closure. Maybe write him a letter or poem and read it over his grave, make a donation to charity in his name, make a collage of your favorite pictures of him, make a scrapbook of your favorite memories, etc.

I think it's a good idea to do some kind of memorial for him, but opening his grave is not the way.

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[Purr-fect]

Daniel625....you havent responded.

I am in emergency services. I strongly suggest you do not do what you are contemplating.

It will not be a memory that will give you peaceful closure.

It sounds like you need closure and to grieve.

We planted a small Japanese maple tree beside our little girl, motu, when she pased away. Perhaps something similiar might help you.

You will have a place to visit and to reflect on the good times you both shared.

 

[daniel625]

Hi everyone. Sorry for the late response. I didn't forget about the post, it's just my laptop keyboard wasn't working well, so I had to rectify that.

Thank you all for your input. It made a lot of sense.

So... here is what happened.

I went over to his grave... and I said "Leo, you're going to let me know if it's a good idea or not". Sure enough, when I bent down, I saw little gnats crawling around the area. So I took that as him saying "okay, that's close enough".

So I just knelt by the site for a bit and paid my respects. As I said before, my reasoning for contemplating doing what I had talked about was because my Dad took him to the spot abruptly. But the truth is, I did get to have a very short period of alone time with him before then. But at that time, I thought I didn't get to say everything that I wanted to say to him, as I was still so shocked about it happening... but as I stayed there for a bit this time around, nothing else really came to me, except to tell him how much I loved him and how proud of him I was.

And I realized that the reason is because I had already told him everything I ever wanted to say to him. And I did that every day of his life. I never went a day without telling him how much he meant to me.

Another reason was because I couldn't remember if I gave him a "goodbye kiss" on his head beforehand. If I did, then so be it. But if I didn't, then I think it was because of how he looked after he went.

*The next little bit might sound a bit gross, so bear with me.*

On his last day, he had so many toxins coming out of his fur and other orifices, that even before he went, it not only smelled awful but felt icky to touch him. Plus, he had become so frail, and I didn't know if touching or contacting him a certain way would make things worse; "would I catch some of his bacteria?", "would it hurt him?", etc. Then after he checked out, I could add "if I, say, went to hug him, would it break his bones?" to that list. Many years ago, I had a turtle who, upon trying to remove him from his tank after he had passed, pretty much disintegrated (he fell out of his shell). So the absolute LAST thing that I would want to see happen to my kitty was anything remotely similar to that. It probably doesn't work that way, but I couldn't take the chance.

*End gross part*

Then after about ten minutes, I got up and headed back, blowing him a kiss. It was bittersweet, but I think I reached a reasonable middle ground.

There have been other events that have happened since his passing, but I'll save that for another post. Or maybe another topic altogether.

Oh, and to Sabian and Kitty Mom, no I don't mind you talking to each other on this thread. Turns out, I'm actually a musician myself! Haven't done much instrument playing in a while, but I do still sing regularly.

So, there you have it. Leo is where he is and I'm feeling a little better about it. Still sad, but a little better.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

Daniel625, I am glad to hear that you decided not to open his grave and that you found a little comfort in visiting it instead. I'm so sorry for what you had to go through with his illness. Even in the end when you were afraid to touch him I think he still felt your love for him. You can always talk to him and he will always hear you.

 

[rubysmama]

D daniel625 glad you've found a way to feel a bit better over everything.