Regretting Adoption Of Cat - Can You Relate?

[ads3j]

I just adopted a new boy cat from a shelter, he was rescued off the streets and in bad shape and very underweight. There wasn't any interest in him at the shelter (kitten season after all) and I really had no business being on PetFinder the night before when I saw him and he tugged at my heart. I went to see him, and upon entering the shelter room where he was sequestered in a small windowless room he was yeowling, crying out and frightened. When I entered his room he seemed desperate for affection and I obliged - I adopted him and brought him home. I have two beautiful and very bonded sweet DSH girls who live happily in bliss by the day. Next thing they new, I'm entering the house with a carrier and the interloper. I know the introduction process well and (thought) I was prepared for the process of slow introductions and keeping him in a safe room, scent exchanges before slow intros etc... however, by the third night he was howling and yeowling and crying and making such a ruckus all night long I (and my husband) were ready to pack him up and take him back. He seems desperate to get out of the safe room via window, door whatever means needed. Last night I caved (after a visit with the family vet) and decided to let him out to explore, when the hisses and low-grumble growls began I got him back to his room and he began again - yeowling and howling and crying and trying desperately to open the door etc... I don't know what to do. He is the sweetest most loving cat when we come into his room and seems so desperate for attention, but I am thinking I made a HUGE mistake and his personality is too head-strong for our current group. Any advice, similar experiences that anyone can share would be greatly appreciated. I have multi-cat Feliway plug-ins up and down stairs, giving him natural calming chews (don't work) and, side note, he was only spayed about 2 1/2 weeks ago, so some if it may be the testosterone too - but jeeze, we need to sleep and have peace again. He is fine (when he's a sleep all day) but around 10 pm to 4 am he is a beast. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, advice, experiences, encouragement etc.. with me, it's so so appreciated!

 

[KarenKat]

He's a cutie, though!

I totally understand the regret. We are in month 6 of cat introductions, and there were times I wished we never picked up Olive. Sometimes she howls like a dog and goes to all the windows to be let out (we picked her up from our backyard). She's adorable and cuddly, but so energetic. And of course our resident Gohan caused the long intro ... he's been chasing her for months and it's gotten better only slowly. I joke now I wouldn't wish a slow cat intro on my worst enemy!

My only practical suggestion is to play. We transitioned Olive to be indoor-only, and anytime she started to get stir crazy we would play with her for 20 min or so. Sounds like if you play right before bed it could help. Puzzle-feeders, a large cat tree and other enrichment items help a lot too.

In addition, you need to allow yourself to be human.
1. You are allowed to say no to your cats, and not just verbally. If they drive you crazy during the day, go see a movie or get a massage. Do something fun and "selfish" because it's important that you have balance. We all love cats but you need to be able to have a break from them. I know nighttime is your issue, but you are allowed to close doors, ignore yowls etc. if you've done all you can and the cat is healthy.
2. Focus on when he's so happy and content, sounds like he is a huge cuddler. When times get rough, think about how much his quality of life has improved because you came into his life. I like to remember Olive's dirt hole she used as a bed, and remind myself now that she's got so many softer and warmer spots to be.

I'm not saying if this is the right kitty to add to the family, you know your own situation best. But remember that with the exception of extreme circumstances things will slowly get better over time. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, and even to resent your cats in your head from time to time. I have in the last six months felt exhausted, hopeless and miserable adding in Olive, but it has been outweighed by the joy she's brought to our lives. I've had my good share of cries over the situation when it was at it's toughest. Sometimes that helps too.

Sorry about the novel. Good luck, and let us know how it's going!

 

[ArchyCat]

How about reversing the situation? Put your girls in the safe room and let loose in the house?

 

[ads3j]

He's a cutie, though!

I totally understand the regret. We are in month 6 of cat introductions, and there were times I wished we never picked up Olive. Sometimes she howls like a dog and goes to all the windows to be let out (we picked her up from our backyard). She's adorable and cuddly, but so energetic. And of course our resident Gohan caused the long intro ... he's been chasing her for months and it's gotten better only slowly. I joke now I wouldn't wish a slow cat intro on my worst enemy!

My only practical suggestion is to play. We transitioned Olive to be indoor-only, and anytime she started to get stir crazy we would play with her for 20 min or so. Sounds like if you play right before bed it could help. Puzzle-feeders, a large cat tree and other enrichment items help a lot too.

In addition, you need to allow yourself to be human.
1. You are allowed to say no to your cats, and not just verbally. If they drive you crazy during the day, go see a movie or get a massage. Do something fun and "selfish" because it's important that you have balance. We all love cats but you need to be able to have a break from them. I know nighttime is your issue, but you are allowed to close doors, ignore yowls etc. if you've done all you can and the cat is healthy.
2. Focus on when he's so happy and content, sounds like he is a huge cuddler. When times get rough, think about how much his quality of life has improved because you came into his life. I like to remember Olive's dirt hole she used as a bed, and remind myself now that she's got so many softer and warmer spots to be.

I'm not saying if this is the right kitty to add to the family, you know your own situation best. But remember that with the exception of extreme circumstances things will slowly get better over time. It's ok to feel overwhelmed, and even to resent your cats in your head from time to time. I have in the last six months felt exhausted, hopeless and miserable adding in Olive, but it has been outweighed by the joy she's brought to our lives. I've had my good share of cries over the situation when it was at it's toughest. Sometimes that helps too.

Sorry about the novel. Good luck, and let us know how it's going!

Thank you SO much, your words were so thoughtful and I can't express my gratitude. It's overwhelming and exhausting and so helpful to know I'm not the only one and to take time to take care of myself too. Thank you!!

 

[ads3j]

How about reversing the situation? Put your girls in the safe room and let loose in the house?

I did try this yesterday and he got scared and wouldn't leave from under the sofa, eventually I had to let them back out and corral him back to his room. We played as much as I could, it was late, and he never wound down. This sorta addresses the previous post as well, but as I write this the girls are sniffing him out and I'm playing with him then them. There are growls and hisses (from girls) and he's being mostly respectful. Thank you for responding. I guess the "village" is really comforting to me.

 

[rubysmama]

Maybe my Ruby has just made me biased to orange cats, but I think your new kitty is a cutie-pie.

Did the shelter/vet have a guesstimate for his age? He looks pretty young. How old are your girls?

 

[LilyRae]

First let me say that it is a completely natural feeling to have at times like this along with a plethora of other emotions, such as feeling like you ruined your resident cats life, like you're a bad person for feeling this regret, etc! Always remember you're human, an obviously very caring one at that - we all feel regret like this when in similar situations.​

He looks like a gorgeous chap and sounds like quite a cuddle bug. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just a little stressed at the moment, hence the nighttime band practice. He has just came from a really stressful and scary environment, with little to no structure in terms of nighttime sound etiquette! It might just take some training on your part to get him to learn the rules. If all health related issues can be ruled out and it's behaviour this will all change quite quickly.

As mentioned above, I wouldn't wish a slow cat intro on my worse enemy and they can really mess up the usual daily habits we form, not just with our cats but in general life! I'm currently going through some very slow introductions with hostile parties and sometimes I think I should move out and give them apartment!!​

Things take time and even if your two bonded girls never truly like their new family member they will learn to live together and I promise you harmony will return and habits, new and old, will also come back!​

Whether the new member is a suitable pick, that remains to be seen! He still hasn't come out of his lovely fluffy shell and is still finding his paws in a new situation! Stress and anxiety is probably pretty high for everyone in your household at the moment, but it will be worth it as with cats it usually is! At the end of the day, in my experience cats of all personalities can learn to live together in varying degrees of harmony, some take longer time than others and the harmony may not look like how we initially thought it would!​

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. I just relate so much to this feeling and can't help but think sleep exhaustion is contributing buckets here. Take time for yourself, breath and never regret giving this handsome fluffball a loving home, you gave him a chance at a loving forever home and in time this will all be in your little families past!

xxx​

 

[Furballsmom]

Hi, to chime in, it sounds as though letting them all meet, greet, sniff, growl, hiss and establish hierarchy is going ok, which is what I was going to suggest.
Intervening is not in the cats best interests unless there is truly serious fighting with blood and flying fur, and then have a piece of cardboard handy to help with safe separating.
Also I was going to suggest Mack's earplugs.

 

[aliceneko]

He seems like a little cutie; I wouldn't give up on him. It sounds like he needs lots of love and attention (which I'm sure you're giving him), so keep on playing with him, cuddling him etc to establish a close bond with them. My two are adopted former semi-ferals from a rescue centre, and when we first got them, they were so shy and wouldn't want to sit on our laps; we were only allowed to stroke them. But now, they're so much more confident, and love to sit on our laps and have cuddles. They love hunting and going outside too but will equally rush up to us for a cuddle in the evening (we still need to fix a cat flap in for them so in the evening as it starts to get dark they usually come inside with us). I just spent a lot of time with them in the beginning, petting them gently and playing with them, to let them know that I was a friend and not a foe. All cats are different but I'm sure that once you spend more time with him and I'm sure you'll establish a close relationship and can give him a good forever home.
When it comes to fighting, I don't normally intervene with my two as they won't really listen since they're having a game. If it starts to get violent though, I often firmly say "no" or firmly say their names/try to separate them. Speaking to cats in a strong, firm voice normally works with discipline - you're not shouting at them, but you're firm enough to let them know they're in trouble! If there are still problems between the three cats, I agree that perhaps seperation into different rooms would give them a good chance to cool off.

 

[ads3j]

Maybe my Ruby has just made me biased to orange cats, but I think your new kitty is a cutie-pie.

Did the shelter/vet have a guesstimate for his age? He looks pretty young. How old are your girls?

I am a total sucker for the ginger kitties and he is becoming more handsome by the day as he gains some weight and his nose is healing. They estimate approx 2 years old - which is about the same as the other two (2 and 2 1/5 est). He is like a big overgrown kitten.

 

[ads3j]

He seems like a little cutie; I wouldn't give up on him. It sounds like he needs lots of love and attention (which I'm sure you're giving him), so keep on playing with him, cuddling him etc to establish a close bond with them. My two are adopted former semi-ferals from a rescue centre, and when we first got them, they were so shy and wouldn't want to sit on our laps; we were only allowed to stroke them. But now, they're so much more confident, and love to sit on our laps and have cuddles. They love hunting and going outside too but will equally rush up to us for a cuddle in the evening (we still need to fix a cat flap in for them so in the evening as it starts to get dark they usually come inside with us). I just spent a lot of time with them in the beginning, petting them gently and playing with them, to let them know that I was a friend and not a foe. All cats are different but I'm sure that once you spend more time with him and I'm sure you'll establish a close relationship and can give him a good forever home.
When it comes to fighting, I don't normally intervene with my two as they won't really listen since they're having a game. If it starts to get violent though, I often firmly say "no" or firmly say their names/try to separate them. Speaking to cats in a strong, firm voice normally works with discipline - you're not shouting at them, but you're firm enough to let them know they're in trouble! If there are still problems between the three cats, I agree that perhaps seperation into different rooms would give them a good chance to cool off.

Thank you so much. I think some part of it too is the shock of three cats vs. two and he is so vocal, our other two are super quiet and peaceful, so his presence is super know at all times. He is constantly whining, meowing and making short dramatic sounds at the girls who are hissing and growling at him. It's like he doesn't understand why they're so mad. Thankfully (and hopefully it doesn't change) there's not been any contact - he isn't aggressive at all, so I think the most is he would take the swats.

 

[ads3j]

Hi, to chime in, it sounds as though letting them all meet, greet, sniff, growl, hiss and establish hierarchy is going ok, which is what I was going to suggest.
Intervening is not in the cats best interests unless there is truly serious fighting with blood and flying fur, and then have a piece of cardboard handy to help with safe separating.
Also I was going to suggest Mack's earplugs.

Thank you so much, just reading these are so so comforting and helpful. Now that we got his fecal back and he is totally negative on parasites etc... we're letting them engage again and hopefully if the girls don't get too stressed we can let him out overnight so we can sleep, fingers crossed.

 

[ads3j]

First let me say that it is a completely natural feeling to have at times like this along with a plethora of other emotions, such as feeling like you ruined your resident cats life, like you're a bad person for feeling this regret, etc! Always remember you're human, an obviously very caring one at that - we all feel regret like this when in similar situations.

He looks like a gorgeous chap and sounds like quite a cuddle bug. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just a little stressed at the moment, hence the nighttime band practice. He has just came from a really stressful and scary environment, with little to no structure in terms of nighttime sound etiquette! It might just take some training on your part to get him to learn the rules. If all health related issues can be ruled out and it's behaviour this will all change quite quickly.

As mentioned above, I wouldn't wish a slow cat intro on my worse enemy and they can really mess up the usual daily habits we form, not just with our cats but in general life! I'm currently going through some very slow introductions with hostile parties and sometimes I think I should move out and give them apartment!!
Things take time and even if your two bonded girls never truly like their new family member they will learn to live together and I promise you harmony will return and habits, new and old, will also come back!

Whether the new member is a suitable pick, that remains to be seen! He still hasn't come out of his lovely fluffy shell and is still finding his paws in a new situation! Stress and anxiety is probably pretty high for everyone in your household at the moment, but it will be worth it as with cats it usually is! At the end of the day, in my experience cats of all personalities can learn to live together in varying degrees of harmony, some take longer time than others and the harmony may not look like how we initially thought it would!

Anyway, sorry for the wall of text. I just relate so much to this feeling and can't help but think sleep exhaustion is contributing buckets here. Take time for yourself, breath and never regret giving this handsome fluffball a loving home, you gave him a chance at a loving forever home and in time this will all be in your little families past!

xxx​

This was amazingly comforting and I have read it several times over. I think you're exactly right, he is so stressed that he is making all this noise. We decided today that maybe we should let the shelter put him back on Petfinder and foster him (hopefully they'll let us) until the right person comes along for him. It breaks my heart as he's a super cat. I just don't think he is the right cat for our family Until then, I'm going to keep showering him with good quality food and love and attention and hope there is someone out there who will appreciate his voice and energy and love him lots forever. I will very likely reread this again and again until then. I did decide not to notify the shelter until Monday, so if things take a turn there is a chance our minds may change, but so far we feel that it's in the best interest of all involved to re-home him.

 

[LilyRae]

,​

Whilst I am so relknjnmm

This was amazingly comforting and I have read it several times over. I think you're exactly right, he is so stressed that he is making all this noise. We decided today that maybe we should let the shelter put him back on Petfinder and foster him (hopefully they'll let us) until the right person comes along for him. It breaks my heart as he's a super cat. I just don't think he is the right cat for our family Until then, I'm going to keep showering him with good quality food and love and attention and hope there is someone out there who will appreciate his voice and energy and love him lots forever. I will very likely reread this again and again until then. I did decide not to notify the shelter until Monday, so if things take a turn there is a chance our minds may change, but so far we feel that it's in the best interest of all involved to re-home him.

Whilst I am so relieved you got comfort from my post, I truly hope you decide to keep this charming cat!
It hasn't even been a month since you invited him into your life... He will still be getting used to all the new sounds, smell, sights, daily routines etc and this will all be quite stressful for him!!
Putting him back into a shelter or foster care could just be too much for him and he could withdraw further, making his behavioural issues much worse. This poor thing has had so much change in the past few weeks and I really, truly believe you should give him some time to come out of his shell, feel at home and learn that night time is quite time!

If you don't feel that you can give him the love he deserves then by all means ask the shelter if they can take him back... Just remember that once you have done this you will never know if he gets a forever home, his behavioural issues may get worse because of this back and forth stress etc making him less adoptable.
I'm not trying to shame you or guilt you, this is just the reality and I think your impulse adoption was really quite sad for this poor chap.

I can tell you are a very caring person who adores her kitties. It will take time and yes, there will be sleepless nights - though I promise you it will be worth it! I know as, i've been in the same sleep deprived state recently with my feral kitten little one. Let me just say, it more than worth it.

Sorry for the long post. Please just think about what this actually means for this cat.




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