Please Help- My Cat Is Terrified.

[Letta]

Hi,
So something really bad happened today and I badly need your help.
I just came back from France with my 8 month old kitten. My boyfriend and me had to go to different countries for work for a few months, it was once in a lifetime opportunities and after a lot of hesitation I took the position. I took the cat with me as she is more bonded with me than my boyfriend and he left for another place too. I prepared as much as I could to reduce her stress and she adapted very nicely to France. Once back here she has been a bit stressed at the beginning, but seemed fine now to me: she played, ate, drank, purred, and slept in the same spot than she used to. Her tail was up all the time, her ears pointing forward and she would expose her belly. So I though that everything was going well.
However I also knew that she had a bit of a hard time adjusting back to my bf. They always had a so-so relationship but not bad. He wanted to cuddle more than she wanted to and could be a bit insistent about it. But since we were back she seemed a bit nervous about his attempt to pet her. I tried to tell him to give her time, but he wanted so badly to cuddle that he did not listen to me and was constantly trying to pet her and pick her up. She sometimes let herself be pet, but most time would run away.
Today when I was away at work he came back earlier than me and she hid under a closet. He went to pet her, she got extremely scared bite him, and actually even pooped. He is fine but we are shaken. I came back home as soon as I learned the incident, she was still under the closet. But as soon as I called her she came out of hiding and rubbed against me. I took her to the bedroom, closed the door, brang her little box and food dish to give her a safe space. I then went to reassure her and she lied down next to me and then on me. After a while of her not leaving my side she started to relax and went to watch birds. I reopenned a tiny bit the door and she went a bit out. I played with her and she played quite intensively. But as soon as he move she would run back to hide in her cave. She is really stressed and cannot be in the same room than him. When he moves she hug the walls, moving very close to the door and would run hiding. I don't know what else to do. I feel awful, she is really panicked and I don't know how to help her. My bf has agreed to ignore her for the moment and try to give her space. He is leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks, so she will decompress. But I am very scared about the situation!!! My plan for the moment is when he comes back to start back from scratch: I want him to feed her daily but outside of that leave her alone. Then when she is fine with him being around playing with her 15 min per day ect.. I am just very afraid about the situation. And I feel guilty that maybe going to France and coming back was just too much change for her. I never saw her so nervous, she is always very outgoing with people even strangers. She is usually very brave and social, met a lot of different people and situation and was always tails up minding her own business. I don't know why she got so scared, I have the impression she felt her life was threaten I dont know how to show her he would never hurt her.
Please do you have any suggestions?

 

[LeiLana80]

When a cat is hiding (out of fear), you really can't go in after them- it quite literally scares the crap out of them. Unfortunately that must have really really affected her, and he needs to stay away! He needs to leave her alone. Speaking calmly and quietly to her would be good, but no movements/touching.
When he gets back from his 3 week trip, the same rules should apply. If and when she tolerates being in the same room as him, have him try to call her name and give her a treat (by having him stay sitting, and having the kitty come to him, if she wants).
If your boyfriend is careful, this can be mended, but don't push it! I do think you're on the right path.

I also want to very gently question the closet interaction- are you sure he didn't try to yank her out of there or something? Bowel releases are a sign of extreme stress, and that bothers me.
I truly don't want to offend you! And I am sorry if I did. I just want to help out. Hugs and good luck!

 

[Columbine]

She was clearly very scared and threatened by your bf in that moment, and unfortunately that fear has stuck. Note, I am NOT saying for a second that your bf intended to upset or threaten her - I understand that he was just a little over-eager for some cuddle time - but that was the unfortunate effect.

When he moves back in, you need to work with him to change his expectations of affection and his relationship with your girl. Show him that there are other ways to bond with her - ways that she'll be happier with for now, and that may well lead to cuddle-time in the future (so long as it's on her terms, not his ).

Start by having him be the one who feeds her every day, and maybe find and extra yummy treat that only he gives her too. As she relaxes, have him stay with her when she eats too, preferably sitting on the floor so he's closer to her level. Over time, that food dish can get closer and closer to him, until she's eating right next to him - or even from his hand (or from a spoon he's holding if he doesn't want to get messy ).

Once she can handle him being in the room, have him play with her each day. Maybe start this with you getting her playing so she's engaged, then subtly handing the toy off to him. Interactive play is one of the quickest ways to build and strengthen a bond, and it's a wonderful stress buster and confidence booster too. Have him feed her some of the extra yummy treats I mentioned after her playtime, again, working towards hand-feeding her.

As far as cuddles go, his trying to pick her up is strictly off limits. She must always make the decision to come to him, and must always feel that she's free to leave. Eventually, she may learn to like being held by him, but that's a long way off. If she ever does get there, he should only hold her in the way that she's happy being held by you (assuming she likes being picked up, that is ). Some cats just don't like being held (my girl HATES it), and that's their choice.

Feliway diffusers may help her relax too. Get the spray version as well - a friend of mine has had success with spraying it on her husband to help a nervous cat get comfortable around him. Sounds weird, I know, but it can't hurt to try

Good luck, and do keep us updated

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