Our feral died Sunday morning :(

[movinintime]

His CKD withered him away & he passed overnight Saturday into Sunday morning. I'm devastated and really took this long to even get on here. Those of you who know his story, he was FiV and had early CKD as of 2019. FInally trapped him last summer but travel through USA w/ his illness, though getting Subq's at least by 6 vets, proved too much. He wouldn't stay on ANY CKD diet and this added to his problem. Ok, if I can keep myself going I will add more as I feel able.

AS of now, I'm awaking every morning since in panic and tears realizing he is NOT here nor ever coming back. But I also know our other older girl kitty is looking for him as she got used to seeing him almost 16 mos. indoors w/ her. Never, despite he being a feral Tom, did he ever raise a paw at her. But she hissed him often. He was a true sweet cat and a gentleman, as my g/f put it. I am very very very much depressed but his pain and passing away at home made me love him more. I wish I could have taken the CKD for him. Thank you everyone who knows his story.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry for your loss, it hurts like hell I know. God Bless you for taking care of him or his life would've been a lot shorter and much worse. Try to take heart in the fact that he is fine now, just fine, no more illness, and when you meet again it wil be joyous.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[betsygee]

Oh, I'm so sorry. He was a lucky kitty to have you giving him so much love and care until the end.

Rest in peace, sweet kitty.

 

[di and bob]

My heart goes out to you, I know the pain of losing one of these sweet babies all too well. It takes a long time to make a new normal for yourself, and the journey to get there is almost more than we can bear. As one who lost her soulmate 9 years ago and still cries when I go back to that time, I can give you hope that although it seems impossible right now, there IS life after such a loss. You will find the strength through the love that he will continue to send you and the realization that just as you would want him to go forward into life and find happiness and love if you were the first to go, he wants the exact same thing for you. That is love.
Love is spiritual, NOTHING can break the bond you built, not even death. You will always have that bond to hold on to, he lives on through the love you will always carry for him. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. His life was made immeasurably better because of you, God bless you for giving this to him.
These horrible feelings bring our own mortality into play, we now realize that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, just as none of us are perfect. Nothing lasts forever in this physical world, we must learn to hold on and love what we have now, and to cherish the memories of what we have lost. But they are only lost to our present, they remain alive and a vital part of our yesterdays, and can help to form our future. Do not dwell on the painful end, it only brings heartache and changes nothing. Rejoice in having that sweet boy in your life, and cherish what he gave you, for he gave you the ability to love. That is a life lesson that not everyone is granted. So for now, keep busy, get through the next hour, the next day, the next month, and know we are here to help you. To give you strength that you at this moment do not have, because we have stood exactly where you stand now and are here to give you empathy, because we are all family brought together through sorrow. Take care of yourself, and love that remaining little one you have with you, she will help you get through this......RIP dear boy. You will be dearly missed, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[movinintime]

I can't thank you and everyone enough. That was THE best thing anyone's EVER said regarding the pain and sorrow and grief that is insurmountable right now. I just freeze when I realize he is not here anymore. My other kitty acting strange and now w/ diarrehea so I'm worried re a connection or infection? I will try our vet Friday and if not, then early next wk. I know she has CKD but not as advanced as he did. But CKD can move fast so need to see if this is a possible UTI or other infection?

 

[di and bob]

It could also be stress from not having her companion any more. It would still be a good idea to have her checked out if she hasn't shown any improvement.
I was such a mess for so long. Any thing I can say that may help I see as a Godsend. I finally realized she loved life so much she would want me to begin to live again. Life is way too short to spend so long in pain and sorrow. I had lost all enjoyment in life, so lost a lot of life. Don't go there. You have to grieve but don't let death claim another life. " Don't cry because it's over,smile because it happened". You received one of life's greatest treasures, a cat's love..

 

[movinintime]

Wow, Im floored by this last post of yours. You know exactly how/where I am going and feel. Exactly down the rabbit hole and I agree, he wanted to live and loved life outside and indoors this past 16 mos. So in his honor I need keep my head up. I felt his love to the point where I'm dazed by his loss. He was my "Rock" as I keep saying, holding me up even outdoors for 3.5 yrs coming morn & night for food.
I always felt ok seeing him out there but now kick myslef for the delay of bringing/trapping him to the indoors. I thought our girl cat would get mauled, hence WHY until I had no choice (move cross USA from old apt), did I trap & chance the 2 inside together. It worked out fine. But 3.5 yrs of wear & tear on streets was my downfall!!! Or rather his -- due to me!!! Now I see my HUGE mistake.

Thank you again so much for continued help & support to save me from drowning in regret & feeling incompetent.

 

[di and bob]

Don't hold guilt over something you cannot change. You gave him love and a home that is all he ever wanted. I walked across a street to get the mail and did not know my little girl was behind me. I turned to see her get killed. They didn't even stop and my world ended......I will never forgive myself for not knowing she was there, and would have gladly thrown myself in front of that car if I could have saved her. But the past is set in stone, and the world goes on, though not for us for a long time...
I am at a place now where there are more good memories then bad, my other little ones who forced me back into the world of the living brought me back. No matter what I do, or wish, or want to change, the sun will rise tomorrow and the world goes on. It is one constant we can cling to.

 

[movinintime]

I'm speechless. Losing her like that, wouldv'e ended me. Unreal the strength and courage you have and that so many here have. I thought I could handle grief, huh, I can't handle a butterfly hitting me it seems. But you are really helping so much. I'm just utterly in awe for your courage to overcome even things that most would buckle under half that weight/upsetment.

 

[di and bob]

Believe me, I was NOT strong. I utterly fell apart, I died with her. It took me literally years to even begin to live again. I finally got tired of being dead inside. I knew she was devastated knowing someone she loved so much was feeling so much sorrow because of her. I then drew strength through her love to go on. I came to this site seeking comfort, and I received comfort of my own by trying to help others. I pay every year for the adoption of the cat that has been at my local shelter the longest, so that someone else may know the love of a cat, and I do it in her name. I know now she is always with me and I can call on her at any time. And I also know this grief is something you never get over, you get through it, because you have to, for them. ...

 

[Margot Lane]

I am beginning to think that cats are little spirit messengers urgently and quietly trying to tell us as hard as they can to be loving. And every time we get to be in the presence of a cat we have another chance to hone that energy. Feral cats are especially moving…because trust is so important. Sounds as if not only did you earn that trust you did all you possibly could, and carry that vital message of love in your heart. Your cat will always be with you & the dross of grief will fall away leaving only joy & the sweet connection you two shared…hold onto that.

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry M movinintime I remember you posting about him before. He was very lucky to have someone to love and care for him as much as you did. So many feral cats pass away alone and unknown. To have someone appreciate what a wonderful boy he was while he was here and grieve for him now that he is gone is really special.

I'll light a candle for him and pray for a happy rebirth, healthy and whole in a home full of love.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

What he knew of love, he learned from you. What he knew of home, he found with you. That's no small thing in a feral's life. And never doubt that he loved you in return. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Maria Bayote]

I am so sorry for your loss.
We are here for you.

 

[Margot Lane]

Continued compassion…take some time out for your favorite tea and just to breathe…the most unfair part of it all it seems to me is that we & cats live on 2 different stretches of time! You would think w/ all this breeding of cats they might be able to invent a kind that passes exactly when we do! …All the other feral kitties out there THANK YOU for the time you put into this one. Take heart. I recently found a small grouplet where I live that helps ferails by trapping them, healing them, neutering them and then letting them go…leaving out food here & there. I know it is soon -too soon perhaps- but I would be willing to bet there are others in your patch too. Since seemingly there are less veterinarians this might be one way to pay respect and to honor your feral…keep your shared joy close to you, and begin to alchemize it for your future days, bravely, poco a poco.

 

[movinintime]

I'm so sorry M movinintime I remember you posting about him before. He was very lucky to have someone to love and care for him as much as you did. So many feral cats pass away alone and unknown. To have someone appreciate what a wonderful boy he was while he was here and grieve for him now that he is gone is really special.

I'll light a candle for him and pray for a happy rebirth, healthy and whole in a home full of love.

Thank you so very much for your kindness and understanding. He turned in to a very sweet speical boy and I always knew his health would fail him having both early CKD a yr or so ago, and the FiV for several yrs unknown. It is just that he came every morn and night no matter the weather and this was WHY I loved him so much.. His resolve and diligence to wait for me if I was late feeding him also was a huge compliment to me. No one else could catch his attention like I would and even my g/f wasn't able to develop a bond close enough that of late I was able to hand feed him. It was a joy and privilege to have him. I cannot deal with him gone and awake since last Sun. stunned in middle of night even wondering how can I go on w/out him? I'm trying but losing the fight so far. Sorry to sound a wimp but he struck something in my heart and then took my heart with him to Heaven, I hope. Thank you all again for all your support and kindness re this precious gift that now becomes my most cherished memory.

 

[movinintime]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

What he knew of love, he learned from you. What he knew of home, he found with you. That's no small thing in a feral's life. And never doubt that he loved you in return. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he sends his love, translated and purified into Love, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

This perhaps the MOST beautiful Tribute I've ever seen/heard/read for honoring him and his life ending so short. Thank you more than I can say for this and I read this over and over and your words mean more EACH time I read it.