Im so glad to hear this good news!!! I hope it all stays this well for you all
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OK - here goes. We're adopting a daughter and she needs prayers.
- Thread starter ldg
- Start Date
Not sure this is of any use to you and Naomi, but Wellbutrin (anti-depressant category) you may ask if this would be helpful to her.
It's very helpful for some, including myself.
Sometimes is used in combination with the Paxil.
Just an idea.......
It's very helpful for some, including myself.
Sometimes is used in combination with the Paxil.
Just an idea.......
Someone said that you don't see this kind of help anymore, I forget who, it was a few pages back--sorry! I think there are more people willing to help than what we realize. The news media just focuses on the negatives of everything. Thanks for reminding us that there are still caring people in the world.
I'm so glad you posted an update. I was thinking about this the other day! It's wonderful to hear that Naomi is on the right track again! Good luck and God bless to you and your family!
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #326
Thanks Anne, and thanks all!!!!! Well - it's been quite a while since I posted an update. I don't really know where to begin except at the end, I guess.
I did post the update that Naomi moved back home. Since then, she wanted to see her biological mom, so we paid for a ticket for her to go to Springfield, Mass where they were going to meet up. She spent a Saturday afternoon and night with her at a hotel there, and we drove up Sunday and had dinner with them both and drove Naomi back home. It was a bit awkward, but we all survived. Naomi then wanted to get the rest of her things - she had a few boxes and all her child pics still at her biological father's. She didn't want us to meet Will, so we rented a van for her and Peter, and he drove her up there, collected all her things, and brought them all back here.
Peter's been around a lot - it really helps that he can get her to the methadone clinic when we've got a busy day with work. It also helps that he at least finished preMed, so it's almost like having a care worker to help out. The problems really started when Gary had to have the colonoscopy and needed surgery. Obviously it freaked her out, and instead of being able to express her care in a normal human way, she expressed it in her mentally ill ways. Of course that coincided just when Gary could deal with it the least, so the past few weeks have been quite hellish. I suggested a "mental health" break for everyone, and suggested to Naomi that she spend last weekend with Peter, and she totally agreed. The problem is that they had to get back out here to the methadone clinic Saturday morning, and the hours on Sat are only 8:00am to 10:00am. (They're open Mon - Fri until 12:30, she's a late sleeper - and it takes us about half an hour to get there, but it takes her about 2 hours to get there from Brooklyn). So, of course they left late, and missed getting to the clinic on time. Gary and I were sure they'd head back to the city so she could score heroin, and we basically said goodbye to all the progress she's made.
Surprise Surprise! Naomi did score, of course - she had to - but she didn't score heroin, she scored methadone! They drug test at the meth clinic randomly, and obviously because she missed Saturday (which meant she missed Sunday as well - they give you Sunday's bottle on Saturday because they're not open Sundays), they tested her Monday. NO HEROIN!!!!!!!!!! I cannot tell you how proud we were.
The other progress is that this meth clinic is VERY strict, and they require two group meetings a week, at least one meeting with a staff counselor each week, at least one outside therapist meeting each week - and Gary and I insist on family counseling each week. Before she officially joined this clinic, there were a LOT of therapist appointments that got cancelled or just missed - and this entire month she's made every appointment. She's been going to lots of NA (narcotics anonymous) meetings - and apparently there are two out here that are small groups with younger people, and she really likes them - in fact, has made several friends.
She DID get addicted to losing weight, and goes to the YMCA (newly opened in January and 10 minutes away from here) EVERY day. She works out anywhere from one hour to four hours.
But.... she's not used to a family environment, she hasn't ever really had to care about anyone other than herself, she's built up many, many defenses - some of which Gary began to react to personally because he was all stressed out because of his health. Although technically she doesn't have "Reactive Attachment Disorder," she's what could be considered borderline. And one of the symptoms of that is that she tries to draw us into fights, because a hostile family atmosphere is what she knows and feels comfortable in - and it gives her a sense of control and that she "wins." Because of his health, stress, issues at work and being sleep deprived, the past few weeks Gary kept letting himself get sucked into this.
He fell into a serious depression, and it all came to a head today when I slapped him and told him to snap out of it. We went to see an emergency shrink, and the new perspective was really helpful.
Naomi acknowledged (for the first time) that she doesn't know how to express caring. She says she cares a lot, but is unable to translate it into action. And she saw this really for the first time today. Gary saw how he'd been getting sucked into her need for argument.... and long story short (again, lol!), Naomi acknowledges that what she really needs is long term residential treatment. We can't afford it, but she qualifies for medicaid, and today's therapist knows of several residential programs that have very highly skilled/trained staff that accept medicaid.
So the paperwork began.... it looks like she'll be going to a program called "Straight and Narrow." It's not far from here. It is a Christian organization, but Naomi is OK with that. This is a "MICA" program (Mentally Ill, Chemicallly Addicted), and she'll be on methadone during the program. We don't know if they'll continue to detox her or not, but the main point is to get psychological help, not get off the methadone. She can finish doing that at the clinic here. She thinks she needs to stay for at least three months, maybe six. But she wants to learn how to translate what she feels into action - appropriately. And for a while she wanted off the Paxil, but now she wants to work to find the right mix of drugs so she can "be like other people."
So.... of course it's been an incredible roller coaster, but I must say, I am so proud of her. She's gone through cycles of admitting she knows she's mentally ill to denying it. She doesn't remember a lot of her actions when they're negative for other people, and now she thinks we're not lying about it.
At least for now. But that she's stuck with this program this long - and despite having missed the clinic that weekend.... I guess making all her therapy appointments really is helping.
So we don't know when she'll be going in. There's a lot of paperwork involved in getting the medicaid card. And there's a waiting list. But so far it seems like she really wants to do this, and will be discussing it with both her counselor at the clinic tomorrow, and her individual therapist on Wednesday. I can't imagine that either one of them is going to discourage this decision!
So....the family roller coaster continues. But I think we may have finally hit a section where we don't have to roll upside down for a little while.
I did post the update that Naomi moved back home. Since then, she wanted to see her biological mom, so we paid for a ticket for her to go to Springfield, Mass where they were going to meet up. She spent a Saturday afternoon and night with her at a hotel there, and we drove up Sunday and had dinner with them both and drove Naomi back home. It was a bit awkward, but we all survived. Naomi then wanted to get the rest of her things - she had a few boxes and all her child pics still at her biological father's. She didn't want us to meet Will, so we rented a van for her and Peter, and he drove her up there, collected all her things, and brought them all back here.
Peter's been around a lot - it really helps that he can get her to the methadone clinic when we've got a busy day with work. It also helps that he at least finished preMed, so it's almost like having a care worker to help out. The problems really started when Gary had to have the colonoscopy and needed surgery. Obviously it freaked her out, and instead of being able to express her care in a normal human way, she expressed it in her mentally ill ways. Of course that coincided just when Gary could deal with it the least, so the past few weeks have been quite hellish. I suggested a "mental health" break for everyone, and suggested to Naomi that she spend last weekend with Peter, and she totally agreed. The problem is that they had to get back out here to the methadone clinic Saturday morning, and the hours on Sat are only 8:00am to 10:00am. (They're open Mon - Fri until 12:30, she's a late sleeper - and it takes us about half an hour to get there, but it takes her about 2 hours to get there from Brooklyn). So, of course they left late, and missed getting to the clinic on time. Gary and I were sure they'd head back to the city so she could score heroin, and we basically said goodbye to all the progress she's made.
Surprise Surprise! Naomi did score, of course - she had to - but she didn't score heroin, she scored methadone! They drug test at the meth clinic randomly, and obviously because she missed Saturday (which meant she missed Sunday as well - they give you Sunday's bottle on Saturday because they're not open Sundays), they tested her Monday. NO HEROIN!!!!!!!!!! I cannot tell you how proud we were.
The other progress is that this meth clinic is VERY strict, and they require two group meetings a week, at least one meeting with a staff counselor each week, at least one outside therapist meeting each week - and Gary and I insist on family counseling each week. Before she officially joined this clinic, there were a LOT of therapist appointments that got cancelled or just missed - and this entire month she's made every appointment. She's been going to lots of NA (narcotics anonymous) meetings - and apparently there are two out here that are small groups with younger people, and she really likes them - in fact, has made several friends.
She DID get addicted to losing weight, and goes to the YMCA (newly opened in January and 10 minutes away from here) EVERY day. She works out anywhere from one hour to four hours.
But.... she's not used to a family environment, she hasn't ever really had to care about anyone other than herself, she's built up many, many defenses - some of which Gary began to react to personally because he was all stressed out because of his health. Although technically she doesn't have "Reactive Attachment Disorder," she's what could be considered borderline. And one of the symptoms of that is that she tries to draw us into fights, because a hostile family atmosphere is what she knows and feels comfortable in - and it gives her a sense of control and that she "wins." Because of his health, stress, issues at work and being sleep deprived, the past few weeks Gary kept letting himself get sucked into this.
He fell into a serious depression, and it all came to a head today when I slapped him and told him to snap out of it. We went to see an emergency shrink, and the new perspective was really helpful.
Naomi acknowledged (for the first time) that she doesn't know how to express caring. She says she cares a lot, but is unable to translate it into action. And she saw this really for the first time today. Gary saw how he'd been getting sucked into her need for argument.... and long story short (again, lol!), Naomi acknowledges that what she really needs is long term residential treatment. We can't afford it, but she qualifies for medicaid, and today's therapist knows of several residential programs that have very highly skilled/trained staff that accept medicaid.
So the paperwork began.... it looks like she'll be going to a program called "Straight and Narrow." It's not far from here. It is a Christian organization, but Naomi is OK with that. This is a "MICA" program (Mentally Ill, Chemicallly Addicted), and she'll be on methadone during the program. We don't know if they'll continue to detox her or not, but the main point is to get psychological help, not get off the methadone. She can finish doing that at the clinic here. She thinks she needs to stay for at least three months, maybe six. But she wants to learn how to translate what she feels into action - appropriately. And for a while she wanted off the Paxil, but now she wants to work to find the right mix of drugs so she can "be like other people."
So.... of course it's been an incredible roller coaster, but I must say, I am so proud of her. She's gone through cycles of admitting she knows she's mentally ill to denying it. She doesn't remember a lot of her actions when they're negative for other people, and now she thinks we're not lying about it.
At least for now. But that she's stuck with this program this long - and despite having missed the clinic that weekend.... I guess making all her therapy appointments really is helping.
So we don't know when she'll be going in. There's a lot of paperwork involved in getting the medicaid card. And there's a waiting list. But so far it seems like she really wants to do this, and will be discussing it with both her counselor at the clinic tomorrow, and her individual therapist on Wednesday. I can't imagine that either one of them is going to discourage this decision!
So....the family roller coaster continues. But I think we may have finally hit a section where we don't have to roll upside down for a little while.
ldg, good luck! i will pray for you and gary and noami. you and your husband have so much strength and faith! i know you can all get through it. what an amazing story. i admire you so much. you and gary have the best hearts ever.
Yay, Naomi! Great progress. And I hope Gary starts sleeping better, and feeling better emotionally and physically. And Laurie, are you taking care of yourself, too?
Thanks for the update. I'm very happy for your family, as you handle the bumps life is handing you.
Thanks for the update. I'm very happy for your family, as you handle the bumps life is handing you.
Wow good luck
Oh wow indeed - Laurie! Still thinking of you three.
Laurie, thank you for the update! There are a lot of people here with you and your family in our thoughts all the time.
Wonderful news all around Laurie--all digits crossed here for continued success, even with the expected ups and downs.
I am so amazed at the progress your new family has made. I think you will end up finding out things about each other you never knew before. I did want to say somthing that stands out to me. She has an addictive personality and while I am glad she wants to lose the weight she gained, I am scared that she will turn to aneroxia or bulimia. You already said she is addicted to exercise, well when they cant control anything else in their lives, the turn to the one thing they can control, what they eat. I know this sounds like I am trying to give you one more thing to worry about, but just in case, so it isnt a complete shock. Some people with eating disorders do so much excercise they burn 3,000 calories a day. Another thing that worries me is that she randomly decides to go on and off her meds. Antidepressants can cause sucicidal thoughts, even though she does not have them "normally." This is esp. true for teenagers and people in their early twenties. I want her to succeed as much as anyone on here, but I just thought I would bring up some things that I see as an outsider. I hope I am wrong about everything, but if it happens and I never said anything I would feel bad.
Also about deleting this thread, I would save your posts for reference if you dont have another form of diary, because if you ever do decide to write a book, or if she does, they will be of great value, because you wont be able to remember every little thing you were feeling.
Have any of the programs you looked into have animal therapy? Your furbabies seemed to calm her down and take her mind off things. If she had something like that where she knew that she had an animal that she could talk to, groom, feed whatever, it might help some. Maybe if they do some sort of supervised trip to the animal shelter to do some work a couple of days a week, help with the homeless animals. Plus animals dont judge us by our words, and even though she has been open with you, there might be more she is afraid to say, that she could say to an animal.
I hope only for the best for you and your new family. Please if there is anything I can do, let me know.
Also about deleting this thread, I would save your posts for reference if you dont have another form of diary, because if you ever do decide to write a book, or if she does, they will be of great value, because you wont be able to remember every little thing you were feeling.
Have any of the programs you looked into have animal therapy? Your furbabies seemed to calm her down and take her mind off things. If she had something like that where she knew that she had an animal that she could talk to, groom, feed whatever, it might help some. Maybe if they do some sort of supervised trip to the animal shelter to do some work a couple of days a week, help with the homeless animals. Plus animals dont judge us by our words, and even though she has been open with you, there might be more she is afraid to say, that she could say to an animal.
I hope only for the best for you and your new family. Please if there is anything I can do, let me know.
Any updates??
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #336
UGH! I just wrote a big update, and somehow this stupid computer lost it. Somehow I hit the touchpad in such a way that it starts backing up and I can't control it - and then everything I wrote is gone. AAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!
Let's see.....
- I thought I'd posted an update that apparently I never did.
Naomi did go into residential treatment weeks ago. (A month ago? I think it was June 3rd?!) We alerted the people at the program about her diet & exercise issues, although family therapy is a component of the program, so it's not like we weren't going to see her and be able to find out how she's doing. We were encouraged by the fact that they were accomodating to her being vegetarian - and not just by providing meals of dairy products.
What ended up happening, we're not quite sure. But because legally, for these purposes, Naomi is not a minor, unless she signed an agreement to release medical information to us (which she chose not to do), we can't get info on what was going on with her meds, etc. And the place isn't a jail so if any residents want to roll, they roll, although often they have the good graces to at least sign themselves out AMA (against medical advice). Naomi did not do this - she just disappeared, leaving quite a few of her things behind.
Fortunately, she did take her cell, and she did call us. Gary's first instinct, obviously, was to go looking for her. But every single doc out there advises against that. The odds of her beating her addiction at this age were so slim to begin with (especially with her history). They all say the same thing - until she's ready, there's nothing anybody can do.
It's just so frustrating. We don't know if they were working on new meds, or different doses of meds, or what. We do know she was down to 35mg of methadone, which we felt she was coming down way too fast - but everyone knew we thought that, and in the end, the decision was between her and them.
When she called, she said that she was NOT back on heroin, but that they were horrible to her in the program, and she didn't come here because she was afraid we were going to be upset. There was no point in discussing any of it with her, really, because she was just not in any kind of rational place. She did not go to Peter's. Some traveler friends of hers (we don't know if it's the same group that was here before or different people) are/were in town, and she was with them in some new squat.
She was really quite crazy. I don't know if I'm just in denial, or maybe I'm really just a cold-hearted bitch - I don't know. But Gary was so torn up. It really depressed him (although he's coming to terms with all of this again). I don't know. Maybe I was just better prepared, mentally. Either way, at first she didn't want to come home. What she wanted was for us to rent her a car so she could stay at Peter's and continue the methadone program at the clinic out here that she was enrolled in before the residential program. She wanted us to wire money for food, gas and I don't know what else. (I told Gary I was impressed that she even wanted to continue on methadone - let alone go to all the trouble of coming out here). He said - don't fool yourself. It's just a cheaper way to get high. This way she gets the methadone basically for free, but she's at a low enough dose that she can get high off of heroin - but she won't need much heroin.
When we told her there was no way we were renting a car for Peter, and there was no way we were wiring money, she really flipped out. Gary's first reaction was to get mad at the way she was behaving. I had to remind him that what all of this is about is that she's mentally ill, and then he just had such trouble dealing with it all.
This is undoubedtly the hardest thing we've ever done. After that first, insane, angry phone call, we obviously had an emergency therapy appt. And we decided to stick to our guns. No support unless she lives at home - and she can't live at home until she's got her meds worked out, and we've all been in family therapy together to the point that we feel she can participate in the family, not just be someone to be taken care of.
Of course what she wanted changed very rapidly. The pleading to come home began - and while we were happy to get together to see her, we made it clear she wasn't coming home until the above conditions had been met - and we'd all discussed all of that a hundred times in and out of therapy, anyway. Obviously she accused us of abandoning her, etc. She then pulled out the threats - we were forcing her to become a dominatrix, because we wouldn't give her money. We pointed out that for the unskilled, there are many alternatives to both panhandling and the sex trade, and that no matter what, she IS our daughter - but she's the one who wanted to turn her life around, we were providing that opportunity, and when she's serious about that again, she knows what she needs to do. We'd discussed hundreds of times that our home will not be a shooting gallery, her traveler friends are not welcome here, and if she wants to work the sex trade in ANY way, she will not do it from here. (Her great idea was phone sex - then we wouldn't have to worry about driving her to and from a job as well as to and from the methadone clinic). She keeps missing the point - this is about changing her life. Going to school. Gaining skills that mean she doesn't have to resort to selling sex, in whatever form, because she doesn't have the will or the patience to clerk at a store or something for minimum wage. We've all struggled in our lives, and there's no damn shame in minimum wage. We've had these discussions a million times too. If she were a nymphomaniac, by all means, find your niche in the sex trade. It's a way to make money doing what you love. And great - if you've changed your mind and you've decided school is not for you, that's fine too. Going to college was never a condition of becoming our daughter or living at home. All of this is dealable with. But not being on her meds is not, and running away from the program - not discussing it, not saying Hey, I'm not into this - none of this is OK.
We'd gotten to the point where she was on low enough doses of methadone that her schizophrenia and other disorders were a problem. A seriously disruptive problem. None of us was functional, and that's not good for anyone.
So.... in the meantime, we are paying the methadone clinic. And as long as she uses the cellphone primarily to communicate with us, we're keeping that for her. We don't know how she did it, but she did get her biological father to purchase a used car for Peter. The very sad thing, though, is that Peter is no longer communicating with us about what's up with her. She has probably threatened him with leaving or going back on smack full-time.
We have seen her several times (she's out in NJ every day except Sunday, and we're in the city several days a week now, so it's easy to get together on her way back in, or out here), and she had definitely shot up several times, because you can see it. She said she was getting a job as a waitress - and two days later she told us that she had lied about that, and a "friend" of hers did get her a job working as a dominatrix in some "club" in the city.
She continues with the I want to come home - and we continue with the When you complete residential treatment combined with family therapy....
The saddest thing is that she's lying about so many things now that she messes up so that we know she's lying. She is back on heroin, though to what extent we don't know. It's not "bad enough" that they haven't kicked her out of the methadone program. But Gary and I feel very much like we have failed, miserably, as parents, and while we know we did our best, and we did most likely at least save her life, right now it's really hard not to feel like she's worse off now than she was. She does have a roof over her head, because she's mostly staying with Peter. And he's definitely getting her to the clinic every day. But the phone calls and visits are so disturbing. The "rational" Naomi that we'd come to know just isn't there, and it's depressing talking to her, because you just have no idea what's the truth and what isn't. And it's so hard not to feel like we should let her move back home - but the fact of the matter is that we just can't work properly on a full-time basis when she's here. She isn't sane, and it is completely disruptive, and we can't afford full-time home care.
So.... we don't know what twist or turn this relationship will take on any given day. But for right now, we're pretty set in not having her move back home until she's done something to indicate that she really wants to become part of this family, however dysfunctional it is. We know this is a healthy decision for us - but what none of the psychs have completely convinced us of yet is - is it best for her?
Let's see.....
- I thought I'd posted an update that apparently I never did.
Naomi did go into residential treatment weeks ago. (A month ago? I think it was June 3rd?!) We alerted the people at the program about her diet & exercise issues, although family therapy is a component of the program, so it's not like we weren't going to see her and be able to find out how she's doing. We were encouraged by the fact that they were accomodating to her being vegetarian - and not just by providing meals of dairy products.
What ended up happening, we're not quite sure. But because legally, for these purposes, Naomi is not a minor, unless she signed an agreement to release medical information to us (which she chose not to do), we can't get info on what was going on with her meds, etc. And the place isn't a jail so if any residents want to roll, they roll, although often they have the good graces to at least sign themselves out AMA (against medical advice). Naomi did not do this - she just disappeared, leaving quite a few of her things behind.
Fortunately, she did take her cell, and she did call us. Gary's first instinct, obviously, was to go looking for her. But every single doc out there advises against that. The odds of her beating her addiction at this age were so slim to begin with (especially with her history). They all say the same thing - until she's ready, there's nothing anybody can do.
It's just so frustrating. We don't know if they were working on new meds, or different doses of meds, or what. We do know she was down to 35mg of methadone, which we felt she was coming down way too fast - but everyone knew we thought that, and in the end, the decision was between her and them.
When she called, she said that she was NOT back on heroin, but that they were horrible to her in the program, and she didn't come here because she was afraid we were going to be upset. There was no point in discussing any of it with her, really, because she was just not in any kind of rational place. She did not go to Peter's. Some traveler friends of hers (we don't know if it's the same group that was here before or different people) are/were in town, and she was with them in some new squat.
She was really quite crazy. I don't know if I'm just in denial, or maybe I'm really just a cold-hearted bitch - I don't know. But Gary was so torn up. It really depressed him (although he's coming to terms with all of this again). I don't know. Maybe I was just better prepared, mentally. Either way, at first she didn't want to come home. What she wanted was for us to rent her a car so she could stay at Peter's and continue the methadone program at the clinic out here that she was enrolled in before the residential program. She wanted us to wire money for food, gas and I don't know what else. (I told Gary I was impressed that she even wanted to continue on methadone - let alone go to all the trouble of coming out here). He said - don't fool yourself. It's just a cheaper way to get high. This way she gets the methadone basically for free, but she's at a low enough dose that she can get high off of heroin - but she won't need much heroin.
When we told her there was no way we were renting a car for Peter, and there was no way we were wiring money, she really flipped out. Gary's first reaction was to get mad at the way she was behaving. I had to remind him that what all of this is about is that she's mentally ill, and then he just had such trouble dealing with it all.
This is undoubedtly the hardest thing we've ever done. After that first, insane, angry phone call, we obviously had an emergency therapy appt. And we decided to stick to our guns. No support unless she lives at home - and she can't live at home until she's got her meds worked out, and we've all been in family therapy together to the point that we feel she can participate in the family, not just be someone to be taken care of.
Of course what she wanted changed very rapidly. The pleading to come home began - and while we were happy to get together to see her, we made it clear she wasn't coming home until the above conditions had been met - and we'd all discussed all of that a hundred times in and out of therapy, anyway. Obviously she accused us of abandoning her, etc. She then pulled out the threats - we were forcing her to become a dominatrix, because we wouldn't give her money. We pointed out that for the unskilled, there are many alternatives to both panhandling and the sex trade, and that no matter what, she IS our daughter - but she's the one who wanted to turn her life around, we were providing that opportunity, and when she's serious about that again, she knows what she needs to do. We'd discussed hundreds of times that our home will not be a shooting gallery, her traveler friends are not welcome here, and if she wants to work the sex trade in ANY way, she will not do it from here. (Her great idea was phone sex - then we wouldn't have to worry about driving her to and from a job as well as to and from the methadone clinic). She keeps missing the point - this is about changing her life. Going to school. Gaining skills that mean she doesn't have to resort to selling sex, in whatever form, because she doesn't have the will or the patience to clerk at a store or something for minimum wage. We've all struggled in our lives, and there's no damn shame in minimum wage. We've had these discussions a million times too. If she were a nymphomaniac, by all means, find your niche in the sex trade. It's a way to make money doing what you love. And great - if you've changed your mind and you've decided school is not for you, that's fine too. Going to college was never a condition of becoming our daughter or living at home. All of this is dealable with. But not being on her meds is not, and running away from the program - not discussing it, not saying Hey, I'm not into this - none of this is OK.
We'd gotten to the point where she was on low enough doses of methadone that her schizophrenia and other disorders were a problem. A seriously disruptive problem. None of us was functional, and that's not good for anyone.
So.... in the meantime, we are paying the methadone clinic. And as long as she uses the cellphone primarily to communicate with us, we're keeping that for her. We don't know how she did it, but she did get her biological father to purchase a used car for Peter. The very sad thing, though, is that Peter is no longer communicating with us about what's up with her. She has probably threatened him with leaving or going back on smack full-time.
We have seen her several times (she's out in NJ every day except Sunday, and we're in the city several days a week now, so it's easy to get together on her way back in, or out here), and she had definitely shot up several times, because you can see it. She said she was getting a job as a waitress - and two days later she told us that she had lied about that, and a "friend" of hers did get her a job working as a dominatrix in some "club" in the city.
She continues with the I want to come home - and we continue with the When you complete residential treatment combined with family therapy....
The saddest thing is that she's lying about so many things now that she messes up so that we know she's lying. She is back on heroin, though to what extent we don't know. It's not "bad enough" that they haven't kicked her out of the methadone program. But Gary and I feel very much like we have failed, miserably, as parents, and while we know we did our best, and we did most likely at least save her life, right now it's really hard not to feel like she's worse off now than she was. She does have a roof over her head, because she's mostly staying with Peter. And he's definitely getting her to the clinic every day. But the phone calls and visits are so disturbing. The "rational" Naomi that we'd come to know just isn't there, and it's depressing talking to her, because you just have no idea what's the truth and what isn't. And it's so hard not to feel like we should let her move back home - but the fact of the matter is that we just can't work properly on a full-time basis when she's here. She isn't sane, and it is completely disruptive, and we can't afford full-time home care.
So.... we don't know what twist or turn this relationship will take on any given day. But for right now, we're pretty set in not having her move back home until she's done something to indicate that she really wants to become part of this family, however dysfunctional it is. We know this is a healthy decision for us - but what none of the psychs have completely convinced us of yet is - is it best for her?
God Laurie, I don't even know what to say. Tough love sucks, and it's hard from all angles. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and tell you that it will be OK, that she'll come home and take her meds and... But we all know that there is no crystal ball, and the addiction plus the mental illnesses make this so much more difficult for her to decide to make the change to be a healthy and happy person.
My love is with you and Gary. I can't imagine how hard this is for both of you. And my heart is with Naomi too, that she stays safe and in a moment of clarity that stays with her, she realizes that you do have her best interests at heart and she needs to stick with the program and get well.
My love is with you and Gary. I can't imagine how hard this is for both of you. And my heart is with Naomi too, that she stays safe and in a moment of clarity that stays with her, she realizes that you do have her best interests at heart and she needs to stick with the program and get well.
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Years ago...when my youngest son had a serious drug problem, as a last resort, I joined a Tough Love group. It changed me. My son after years of trouble, finally went into a program for a year. He lived there. They were really tough on him. It worked. He has been clean & sober for 15 years ... still there are no guarentees that he will remain sober. One day at a time. Tough love is your only option. Anything else will enable her to continue her self destructive behavior & if you let her, she will take you down with her. I feel deeply for all of you. I hope that you have a good support system. There are no easy answers.
Laurie and Gary - I still have a lot of admiration for you both, for what you have done for Naomi, for your strength and patience. You are doing all you can and no one could do it better.
Bless and thank you both!
Bless and thank you both!
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I totally agree. I hope that my post about tough love did not sound unfeeling. When I read your posts, they brought back a lot of emotion about the difficult times with my son. As I said ... I hope that you have a good support system in place to help you make the right decisions for all of you. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.
Lei
Lei
Originally Posted by Kiwideus
Laurie and Gary - I still have a lot of admiration for you both, for what you have done for Naomi, for your strength and patience. You are doing all you can and no one could do it better.
Bless and thank you both!
