New Cat Anxiety Help

[Smartin12]

I know I am not the first or the last person to post on this site about new pet anxiety but here I am! I have read almost every other thread here about this topic and they have been helpful but I wanted to make a post of my own. I got a cat a little over a week ago and it has absolutely ruined my mental health progress. Everyone has always recommended that I get a cat to help my anxiety but what it has done is remove one of my favorite things about where I live and a coping mechanism I use often: being alone. I had no alone time growing up and only some through college until I moved out into my own apartment in August of this year. I don't want to just return the cat because I would feel like a failure and so stupid for not being able to handle it but I also can't live with chest crushing anxiety that makes me unable to eat and scared to move around in my own apartment in case I wake up the cat and he wants attention. I feel like I can’t give the cat the attention and love he needs because of my mental health.
Any help/ suggestions/ anything would be great! Most of what I have heard is that it takes time and my cat is fed and has water and clean litter but very little affection from me, I don’t want to make him live like that long term. I have an appointment with my mental health professional next week.

 

[ArtNJ]

To put the situation in context, is this a kitten that is being mischievious and has unstoppable energy, a chill older cat or what? And how much space do you have?

 

[imaginewizard]

What is your cat’s personality? Some cats don’t actually need that much attention (others do) and are perfectly happy with a human who simply co-exists with them.
I mean personally that would make me sad because I’m a needy human, but there are cats who are like that which sounds perfect for you. If ultimately it turns out there is an unfixable compatibility issue and you do return the cat, maybe ask if there’s an older cat with an established personality that’s more independent?
I have mental illness which affects my spoons, so for me it’s perfect that River (the cat I’ve had for five years) doesn’t need me to actively play with him or spend time solely on him - he’s perfectly happy entertaining himself or to be honest just sleeping, but he will come over for pets and cuddles when he wants and to me that’s the best balance because I can focus on what I’m doing or continue to lie down if I have no energy and we both still get what we need from each other.

 

[Smartin12]

To put the situation in context, is this a kitten that is being mischievious and has unstoppable energy, a chill older cat or what? And how much space do you have?

Fred is somewhere between 2-4 years old he was brought in as a stray so they aren’t sure exactly. He has been the perfect cat really, he has not gotten into anything he shouldn’t and uses the litter box and scratchers no problem. I love in a SMALL studio apartment so there is no separation without fully leaving. He is active, whenever I move he follows and meows the entire way. He is also very lovey rubbing on my legs as I walk and wanting to see what im doing at all times. Thats part of why im worried im not a good fit because he has done nothing wrong its me that is having all the issues.

 

[ArtNJ]

Affectionate cats can be overwhelming for anyone at times. There are some tricks you can use though. I have a scratching post with a cup top near my armchair so the cat doesn't have to be on me at all time when watching tv. On my computer desk, I have a basket the cats can go in. And certainly its OK to take them off the lap as many times as you need too to get some space and breathing room. You won't lose the affection of an affectionate cat by insisting on some "me time". You don't need to get up and play every time the cat is meowing at you either.

Now if you don't want an affectionate cat at all, and aren't enjoying some cuddle and play times, thats different. But if its a matter of degree, I think you can work out a balance you'll be happy with as you adjust to each other.

If this is really and truly a perfect cat, and your finding that you just didn't want a cat . . . well, when you really think about that, there is nothing at all crazy about that. Pets aren't for everyone, and its totally normal to try something everyone is telling you that you should try when you aren't sure. Its not wrong to realize it isn't working -- at least as long as you make sure the cat is going to a good home, or back to the no kill shelter it came from. A truly sweet adoption ready cat like this should be able to find a great home. Its nothing to beat yourself up over. But tell us more and we can help you make sure it isn't just a matter of adjustment time. What exactly about the cat is stressing you out?

 

[Smartin12]

Affectionate cats can be overwhelming for anyone at times. There are some tricks you can use though. I have a scratching post with a cup top near my armchair so the cat doesn't have to be on me at all time when watching tv. On my computer desk, I have a basket the cats can go in. And certainly its OK to take them off the lap as many times as you need too to get some space and breathing room. You won't lose the affection of an affectionate cat by insisting on some "me time". You don't need to get up and play every time the cat is meowing at you either.

Now if you don't want an affectionate cat at all, and aren't enjoying some cuddle and play times, thats different. But if its a matter of degree, I think you can work out a balance you'll be happy with as you adjust to each other.

If this is really and truly a perfect cat, and your finding that you just didn't want a cat . . . well, when you really think about that, there is nothing at all crazy about that. Pets aren't for everyone, and its totally normal to try something everyone is telling you that you should try when you aren't sure. Its not wrong to realize it isn't working -- at least as long as you make sure the cat is going to a good home, or back to the no kill shelter it came from. A truly sweet adoption ready cat like this should be able to find a great home. Its nothing to beat yourself up over. But tell us more and we can help you make sure it isn't just a matter of adjustment time. What exactly about the cat is stressing you out?

Thank you so much already you are helping me breathe a little. I first tried posting on reddit and was relentlessly shamed for having second thoughts. If I was to give him up it would be back to the no kill shelter he came from so no worry of him being in harms way.
So to dive into my situation a little more I have struggled with generalized anxiety and depression for years now and I am medicated for both. Growing up I always had dogs and I did consider a dog but in my small apartment and college schedule a dog would be a poor fit at this time. Since having dogs all my life I figured having a cat would help to give me a routine and give me a release from school. My cat Fred is a talker so every move I make from a sigh to moving around is punctuated with a meow from wherever he is and he soon comes running to see whats up. I grew up in a difficult family dynamic where every move I made was questioned and analyzed so having an animal that unknowingly is recreating that feeling of being constricted and unable to do anything of my choice is hard. I redirect him so I get alone time but if I want to readjust in my chair or go to the bathroom the peace is broken. I know this is no fault of his own so please know I only want a home that is good for him.
It was a long road to get him since he is an emotional support animal and my landlord was being very unhelpful to the point I had to get legal support to get my landlord to agree. Since I was planning on getting this cat for months and have roped so many people into the process it adds so much more pressure that I can’t give him up because I would have wasted so many other peoples time.
The process of cleaning up after him, feeding him, vet costs and stuff are only very minor to not being stressors at all it is mainly that I found ways to cope and thrive with my mental illness and brining in a new addition has reduced the years of work to nothing.

 

[Nice Loki]

What was your expectation of the relationship when you got the cat?
Asked another way - why did you choose to get a cat in the first place? Was it pressure from other people or did you genuinely want a companion?
Did you consider other animals as a possible companion?

Before you make another decision (whether to take him back or not), you need to sit down and be honest with yourself about why you got a cat in the first place and what you expect from this relationship.

As for feeling pressure to succeed because other people were involved, try to not let that influence you at all. At the end of the day they all go home and it is just you and Fred living together. Cats can live to 20, this has the potential to be a very long term relationship, so you have to make the decision that is right for you and Fred, not anyone else.

 

[imaginewizard]

Thank you so much already you are helping me breathe a little. I first tried posting on reddit and was relentlessly shamed for having second thoughts. If I was to give him up it would be back to the no kill shelter he came from so no worry of him being in harms way.
So to dive into my situation a little more I have struggled with generalized anxiety and depression for years now and I am medicated for both. Growing up I always had dogs and I did consider a dog but in my small apartment and college schedule a dog would be a poor fit at this time. Since having dogs all my life I figured having a cat would help to give me a routine and give me a release from school. My cat Fred is a talker so every move I make from a sigh to moving around is punctuated with a meow from wherever he is and he soon comes running to see whats up. I grew up in a difficult family dynamic where every move I made was questioned and analyzed so having an animal that unknowingly is recreating that feeling of being constricted and unable to do anything of my choice is hard. I redirect him so I get alone time but if I want to readjust in my chair or go to the bathroom the peace is broken. I know this is no fault of his own so please know I only want a home that is good for him.
It was a long road to get him since he is an emotional support animal and my landlord was being very unhelpful to the point I had to get legal support to get my landlord to agree. Since I was planning on getting this cat for months and have roped so many people into the process it adds so much more pressure that I can’t give him up because I would have wasted so many other peoples time.
The process of cleaning up after him, feeding him, vet costs and stuff are only very minor to not being stressors at all it is mainly that I found ways to cope and thrive with my mental illness and brining in a new addition has reduced the years of work to nothing.

following on from the above user, it might be worth if you do decide you’re better off with a cat as an ESA, perhaps if replacing Fred with an older cat with a more established character the shelter can assure you about. It sounds like you want a more independent cat who is quieter. And they exist. Rather than Fred who is more inquisitive and social about it.
Again following on from the above user - what about a cat was recommended to you that would help you? Is it just the existence of another living being? I think in your kind you need to form what the ideal cat is that matches your needs and is compatible with your disability, and then if you decide there is a benefit to a cat, try and be discerning with finding one that meets those criteria. I hear older cats tend to have more stable personalities that the shelter can assure you of.

 

[ArtNJ]

What I gather from your last post Smartin12 is that this is a cat that is wanting a *lot* of attention and very verbal about it. So lets think about whether you can come to an accomodation with the cat. How long can you stand the cat on your lap being petted? What if you redirect the cat to a nearby basket or cup top scratching post? Would you be comfortable petting for a bit in that situation? Some cats can be directed to sit next to you on the couch, particularly if there is a blanket there. It sounds weird, but if you can reach these kind of accomodations, the cat may feel more confident in the home and actually be less demanding. Teach the cat that when you make a noise and/or pat an area, you are calling the cat to that spot for affection.

Does the cat want to play more than your willing to do? A laser pointer is a good toy that really exhausts them and is low effort on your part. Throwing ping pong balls or crumpled balls of paper or aluminum foil is a bit more effort, but the cat will likely play with that stuff on its own at times. You just sort of get to the point where you don't mind having a few random things on your floor, and it does help some. Lure toys like Da Bird or Cat Charmer are great as well, although require more effort. The key there is to signal the cat when you are ready to play, and not let him guilt you into it. There may be other ways to help the cat occupy itself that aren't too noisy or bothersome, such as cat tv, food puzzles and catnip mice and scratchers.

Its difficult to say whether this sort of accomodation will be possible since we dont know how long its been or what you have tried. I do agree that there are other cats that are likely to have lower needs or be more standofish, and could be a better fit. On the other hand, don't underestimate the psychological benefits to a cat that will likely come to you when you call it, and be willing to give and receive affection when you are wanting that. That can be a huge help for depression! I don't think its a huge change/accomodation to get from where your at now to that.

You haven't told us much about timing, how long its been, so I won't make a recommendation, and its ultimately a decision that you need to make anyway. Just in general though, I think you'll be happier if you give accomodation a good shot. That way, if you end up returning the cat, you'll be confident that you tried your best and it just wasn't right.

 

[Twinkie245]

How long have you had the cat? I am an experienced cat owner without anxiety issues and it took over almost two anxiety filled months to get into a normal, stress free rhythm. Incorporating another living thing into your own life with its own needs and personality will initially create anxiety and stress, period. Forget about what your friends may think….and frankly put aside your own feelings of guilt or pride to not fail….be ruthlessly honest and listen to your inner voice….you owe it to that cat to be honest and to make a decision quickly (NOT impulsively) whether or not this is good for your MUTUAL well being. Cats get attached and it will be more traumatic if the cat has been established in your home for a lengthy period of time so better to rehome sooner rather than later.