Libby, I still believe she does... Here is the thing.... People who goes through those experiences early in life are "trained" if you will, to block/not show emotions, as a survival mechanism. It is known that you "shape" a child personality on the first 5 years of life.... and her 5 first years were spent pretty much being defensive - trying to not get attached - trying to not love, to not show love, to not show emotions, to not cry, to not be a regular child..... just to survive. Yes, she is not a regular person. But yes, she has all those feelings.... She does.... What she doesn't know how to, is to externalize them. She doesn't know how to feel them, to show them. They are dangerous to her. She has a huge wall where she was conditioned to not cross.... and that is a massive wall. I have a very close person to me who suffered this, and has a very hard time with it as well.... She is today 67, and still hasn't gotten over internalizing her feelings. I can see the suffering inside, but she still doesn't know how. I imagine that at 22 she really really didn't have a clue of what to do with her feelings.@ Carolina: I do understand that she's part of the family, and I've always said that I wanted our relatives to keep their relationships with her. I'm not really sure where this "her or me" mentality has come from recently, but I really don't like that about myself. You stated that you thought she 'hurts the same way I do'---no, she doesn't. I know her so well---I know she doesn't experience emotions the way most people do. I don't know if it's genetic or a result of her first 4 1/2 years in an orphanage, but believe me, she doesn't feel things like other people. And I've told her how much she means to me; when things started going sour between us I sat her down and told her flat out that no one in the world loves her more than her Dad and I do. I told her there was only one person in the world that I loved more than her, and that was her Dad. She knows how we feel. I've actually written her a letter since she's been gone in which I told her that we love her and only want what's best for her, that we want her to be happy. None of this has (seemed) to matter to her.
This is not uncommon with teenagers..... not at all..... Does it make it right? nope. But man, it is so common. Here is the thing - a boy comes, and all of the sudden, she can externalize those feelings inside of her with him and his family. Why? Because it is a lighter relationship. Then it becomes a relationship that allows her to express herself in ways that she can't otherwise.... She can voice her feelings - why? They don't know her. She can be herself and it is not too hard for her. It is much easier for her to say "I love you" to this boy, then to say "I love you for you guys, who are her parents..... This relationship is new, fresh and has no luggage. If this guy doesn't correspond to her feelings, it's not going to hurt as much as if her parents don't.... Remember her conditioning early in life..... She is petrified of loving parents, then having her heart broken by them.... This boy/family, doesn't threaten her like that.... For her, who has all these deep, locked feelings inside, these relationships become all the more intense. It is all new, she can just be herself, without any expectations of her.... and without the fear of completely crushing her heart to pieces. And then the relationship gets deep.This behaviour is what she does every single time she has a new boy in her life---his family becomes the center of her universe, to the exclusion of her own family. This time, however, she took it to the extreme.
It becomes a problem (BIG) problem, when the family gets against that relationship..... Because if she is really connected to him in these ways here.... The roots are deep, and all of the sudden she is fulfilling a need -a real need - and the family is threatening to take it away. Naturally, she will rebel.
Think about it Libby - This girl, like any of us, need to feel, need to cry, need hugs, need love..... You think she doesn't feel, but she does..... This boy gives this to her. You the parents might think that this boy is bad for her (and might be right, I don't know this boy); but he is giving her something vital - something good, something she gets nowhere else.....
I know she gets love at home...... But she doesn't know how. One of the reasons is probably because she built this HUGE wall against parents in the orphanage - for 4 1/2 years, she was taught to have no expectations. She was taught that parents would not love her. She was taught that parents left their children behind. She saw kids going to foster and coming back. She saw the heart breaking over and over again that PARENTS inflicted on their children. This kid is conditioned to block emotions from parents....
What you see as being selfish, unkind, and not having feelings..... I see as totally different..... I see as a defense mechanism. I see a very conflicted girl... Who DOES feel. Who DOES suffer.... Who must be so confused and feel guilty at times for being different as why she doesn't react the same way as everyone else..... I see a girl who was conditioned to not externalize her feelings - to block her emotions..... simply to survive with the least amount of suffering as possible. I see a girl who can love and feel - the proof for me is that she can love and have feelings for her boyfriend, and have a relationship with her extended family..... But unfortunately still doesn't know how to break through the biggest love of all, a parents love :heart3:
Libby, I hope one day you can see these things.... I think your girl needs help.... Therapy..... Maybe you three should look into family counseling..... But she has deep issues to deal with..... :heart3:
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