My sweet cat died tonight on the way to the emergency vet. I feel so guilty I didn't end it for him sooner.

[dulcemir]

My baby cat died tonight on the way to the emergency vet. He had been battling chronic IBD for the past two years. In the past few months, he was rapidly losing weight but still ate. Throughout December, he appeared much weaker (unsteady footing), but he still had an appetite.

Things went a bit south on Sunday afternoon. We came home from coffee with a friend and found that he had urinated all over the floor. He then laid on the cold floor panting and drooling. He seemed to snap out of it quickly, however, and walked around and jumped on the sofa, etc. He even asked for food a few times, but every time I offered it to him, he didn't eat it.

At around midnight tonight, I gave him a few Churu treats, and he ate them. He even walked to the kitchen to ask for food. I offered him food, but again, he didn't take any. I went upstairs to get ready for bed. That's when I heard these low-pitched meows—almost howling—from the living room.

I ran downstairs to find him under the coffee table, eyes dilated, panting, and totally limp. I couldn't believe it, I just gave him Churu treats a few minutes before. When the time came, I knew I wanted to do at-home euthanasia. Given his state, I knew it was time and I had no choice but to go to the emergency vet.

So we got ready to go. It took about 30 minutes to get out (had to prep a baby who was already in bed). When I put him in his carrier, he thrashed a bit. I tried to reassure him that I was there for him.

He died on the way to the vet. It all happened so fast. By the time he was received at the vet, they told me he already passed.

I feel so guilty. First, that he died in his most-hated scenario (being in a car, on the way to the vet) and second, that he seemed to have suffered because he died naturally and without euthanasia. On Sunday, my husband and I agreed that we'd monitor him the next day and make the call to get the at-home vet to come to our house to put him to sleep, but the plans changed quickly when he was in distress this evening.

Other than call the vet earlier last week—when he was eating fine, albeit he was weak—I don't know what I could have done differently to prevent this kind of ending. I don't think I've processed what happened just yet (it happened less than 2 hours ago), but I wanted to hear from others so I can process all this.

 

[di and bob]

You did everything you could. To someone who has processed MANY deaths, it sounds like he died naturally. At the end of their lives, their body starts to shut down, and food/hunger is the first to go, the body does not require it now. He still may request it because cats are SO in to routine and he was becoming confused. By the time he was on the way in the car he was most likely very near and didn't even know what was going on. But he could sense you were near, and since hearing is the last to go, he could hear your much needed voice.
I have witnessed many human deaths and they have all told me when they were near the end their body felt numb and they were getting very tired. They stated they felt no more pain. Every living creature will die. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow. All living creatures fight against the coming night, the survival instinct is very strong. But it doesn't mean they are even aware of it at the end. Animals accept death much more readily than humans do, it is natural to them. i truly don't believe your little one was in horrible pain, he was fighting against something inevitable.
Love is spiritual, so eternal. He will forever be tied to your spirit by the bond of love you shared. That is forever. you feel a huge hole in your life right now, it takes a long time to heal a broken heart and fill that hole. Time will dull the sharp edges of grief, help to clear your mind of the guilt. There is ALWAYS guilt accompanying death. But you need intent to have guilt, and your only intention was to help him, to love him. In time you will seek happiness in life once more, because your soul demands it. That is what life is. You can never change the past, it is useless to even try. The future is never ours to see. Live each minute as it comes, each hour, each day. Try to learn from the past to use in the future. The sun will always rise tomorrow on a new day, the world goes on. Go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted for him if you were the first to go. Not in sadness and tears, but thankful you shared your life's journey with him for a little while, celebrate what he taught you about caring and love. Eventually pass on his legacy, love is meant to be added onto, shared. His place in your heart will always be there, always a part of you. He gave you a great treasure in this life, a cat's love......RIP precious boy. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[dulcemir]

You did everything you could. To someone who has processed MANY deaths, it sounds like he died naturally. At the end of their lives, their body starts to shut down, and food/hunger is the first to go, the body does not require it now. He still may request it because cats are SO in to routine and he was becoming confused. By the time he was on the way in the car he was most likely very near and didn't even know what was going on. But he could sense you were near, and since hearing is the last to go, he could hear your much needed voice.
I have witnessed many human deaths and they have all told me when they were near the end their body felt numb adn tehy were

Thanks for the words. But do we know if he suffered? That is my biggest fear, that he suffered and was in pain. I wanted to spare him that.

Those human deaths that you've witnessed, did those people come back to tell you about the numbness?

 

[di and bob]

I'm so sorry, I hit the send button before I was done....many people come 'back', or at least back to consciousness for a while after they were so near. all reported a numbness, no pain, when offered more pain meds. I truly believe he was so near, his body was shutting down and he felt little to no pain. Especially with the dilated pupils and urinating. That means his body was no longer in control.

 

[Mighty Orange]

Do not blame your self, you both fought to stay together. Remember all the good times and all things hurt more when you battle to save your friend.

 

[Box of Rain]

For myself D dulcemir I consider it a blessing when a beloved pet can pass naturally.

For some, pain and other issues, make that option impossible, but I would not feel bad (or guilty) on this front.

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved pet is not easy.

Bill

 

[Margot Lane]

Two hours isn’t a lot of time to process anything, I hope you give yourself time just to work it through, but cats give us so few signals towards the end you’d almost have to be a detective. From your description, it sounds as if he passed quite quickly on the car ride…and it is so hard to plan these things. Try to focus of the love you gave him through the course of his life, and please don’t blame yourself for something that is so terribly hard to predict.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

You have all my sympathy. Your boy passed even more quickly than my Katie did nearly fourteen years ago, in a very similar situation. She had liver cancer and I knew it was getting near time to euthanise her - the vets only gave her two weeks when it was diagnosed - but I got a call from my mother at work saying she was pacing and crying. By the time I got home (it was a long trip on public transport) she was unconscious. My sister arrived to drive us to the vet, and when I was sitting in the car with Katie on my lap she gave one massive kick and was gone. I wish I had known enough to let her go before it came to heart failure for her, but I didn’t, and she went when her body gave up.

We do all we know to do for them.


And for what it’s worth … I believe my girl did visit once, after she’d crossed the rainbow bridge.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Many years ago, a dear, dear vet told me that he thought, having seen a lot of this, that those last cries are not of pain, but rather the body acknowledging that it was done, it was the cry of the spirit breaking free, and held both joy and sorrow. While I cannot know this, I have always accepted it as true. It helps. This I do know, and it is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, your boy blesses you for your steadfast love and care for him, and he sends his own Love back to you to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always and forever, Love abides.

 

[Mia6]

I am so very sorry about your boy He is at the Bridge now, all better Rest in Peace sweet boy.

Love,'Mia

 

[dulcemir]

You have all my sympathy. Your boy passed even more quickly than my Katie did nearly fourteen years ago, in a very similar situation. She had liver cancer and I knew it was getting near time to euthanise her - the vets only gave her two weeks when it was diagnosed - but I got a call from my mother at work saying she was pacing and crying. By the time I got home (it was a long trip on public transport) she was unconscious. My sister arrived to drive us to the vet, and when I was sitting in the car with Katie on my lap she gave one massive kick and was gone. I wish I had known enough to let her go before it came to heart failure for her, but I didn’t, and she went when her body gave up.

We do all we know to do for them.


And for what it’s worth … I believe my girl did visit once, after she’d crossed the rainbow bridge.

How did you know your girl visited you? I am comforted by my baby’s spirit and would love to experience it.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

How did you know your girl visited you? I am comforted by my baby’s spirit and would love to experience it.

Hard to describe after all these years, but it was a sort of momentary vision/sense of her presence being held by someone else I loved who was long gone.

 

[yekrats]

I'm so sorry, I hit the send button before I was done....many people come 'back', or at least back to consciousness for a while after they were so near. all reported a numbness, no pain, when offered more pain meds. I truly believe he was so near, his body was shutting down and he felt little to no pain. Especially with the dilated pupils and urinating. That means his body was no longer in control.

I just want to say I'm in total agreement with what di and bob said. I've worked in cardiac intensive care for years and have seen many passings. What you described is a classic example of a soft, gentle passing. The low moans in your kitchen were probably confusion at what was happening. Struggling getting into the carrier, no cat likes the carrier. And then in the car, listening to your voice a happy kitty while he slipped into the sweet bliss of his final rest. He loved you and you loved him. You did your very best. That's all you need to remember.

 

[dulcemir]

I just want to say I'm in total agreement with what di and bob said. I've worked in cardiac intensive care for years and have seen many passings. What you described is a classic example of a soft, gentle passing. The low moans in your kitchen were probably confusion at what was happening. Struggling getting into the carrier, no cat likes the carrier. And then in the car, listening to your voice a happy kitty while he slipped into the sweet bliss of his final rest. He loved you and you loved him. You did your very best. That's all you need to remember.

The howls at the end continue to haunt me. We actually have a video (cat cam) of how the whole thing went down, and, for some reason, I looked back at it last night, and it broke me. I'm not sure why I wanted to hear those howls again.

Today I feel terrible putting him in the carrier. I preferred to hold him in a towel on my lap in the car, but my husband insisted we put him in a carrier in case he thrashed around or some such. I should've listened to my gut and held my foot down about no carrier. Instead, he passed in an environment he hated the most (carrier in the car).

 

[dulcemir]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Many years ago, a dear, dear vet told me that he thought, having seen a lot of this, that those last cries are not of pain, but rather the body acknowledging that it was done, it was the cry of the spirit breaking free, and held both joy and sorrow. While I cannot know this, I have always accepted it as true. It helps. This I do know, and it is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, your boy blesses you for your steadfast love and care for him, and he sends his own Love back to you to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always and forever, Love abides.

Thank you. I've had friends who also said their cats also howled in a similar fashion when they passed. The sound of it to human ears is just so haunting.

 

[yekrats]

The howls at the end continue to haunt me. We actually have a video (cat cam) of how the whole thing went down, and, for some reason, I looked back at it last night, and it broke me. I'm not sure why I wanted to hear those howls again.

Today I feel terrible putting him in the carrier. I preferred to hold him in a towel on my lap in the car, but my husband insisted we put him in a carrier in case he thrashed around or some such. I should've listened to my gut and held my foot down about no carrier. Instead, he passed in an environment he hated the most (carrier in the car).

It's hard and I am so sorry for your loss.

The howls at the end continue to haunt me. We actually have a video (cat cam) of how the whole thing went down, and, for some reason, I looked back at it last night, and it broke me. I'm not sure why I wanted to hear those howls again.

Today I feel terrible putting him in the carrier. I preferred to hold him in a towel on my lap in the car, but my husband insisted we put him in a carrier in case he thrashed around or some such. I should've listened to my gut and held my foot down about no carrier. Instead, he passed in an environment he hated the most (carrier in the car).

Dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy and I am so, so sorry for your loss but tearing yourself apart over what you think you should or shouldn't have done won't change anything. You'll only make yourself more miserable. You did what you thought was best and maybe it was the best thing to do. No one knows. If you had been holding him in the car and he decided to freak out, what would have happened then? You did the right thing even though it was unpleasant.
But... I can assure you that he wasn't thinking of the carrier or the car or the vet, he was thinking of you. He was with his people and that was his favorite place to be. He was a happy boy. He passed in peace.
Please don't beat yourself up anymore. You weren't being mean to him if that's what you're thinking, you weren't hurting him, you didn't betray him. You gave him your very, very best. He loves you and you love him and that's all he cared about. All there is to remember. Please be kind to yourself. You did him right.

 

[dulcemir]

It's hard and I am so sorry for your loss.

Dealing with the death of a loved one is never easy and I am so, so sorry for your loss but tearing yourself apart over what you think you should or shouldn't have done won't change anything. You'll only make yourself more miserable. You did what you thought was best and maybe it was the best thing to do. No one knows. If you had been holding him in the car and he decided to freak out, what would have happened then? You did the right thing even though it was unpleasant.
But... I can assure you that he wasn't thinking of the carrier or the car or the vet, he was thinking of you. He was with his people and that was his favorite place to be. He was a happy boy. He passed in peace.
Please don't beat yourself up anymore. You weren't being mean to him if that's what you're thinking, you weren't hurting him, you didn't betray him. You gave him your very, very best. He loves you and you love him and that's all he cared about. All there is to remember. Please be kind to yourself. You did him right.

Do you think we tell ourselves that our cats were happy with us in their last moments to make ourselves feel better? For instance, there's no way we can know that the death wasn't painful or if they were in fear, right? Then how would we know that they were content to be with us at the end?

 

[yekrats]

Well, I guess I can tell you this. We lose people here at the hospital but sometimes we're able to bring them back. They speak of a calm and pain free experience. They always remember their family being there with them and it makes them very happy. I believe that death is meant to be a pleasant release for people and for animals too. I think that's the way we're made. I can't prove it to you, I just know what I've seen. I hope this helps.

 

[iPappy]

The howls at the end continue to haunt me. We actually have a video (cat cam) of how the whole thing went down, and, for some reason, I looked back at it last night, and it broke me. I'm not sure why I wanted to hear those howls again.

Today I feel terrible putting him in the carrier. I preferred to hold him in a towel on my lap in the car, but my husband insisted we put him in a carrier in case he thrashed around or some such. I should've listened to my gut and held my foot down about no carrier. Instead, he passed in an environment he hated the most (carrier in the car).

As much as I hate how upset my cats get in carriers, if the worst should happen (car accident), your cat could have been a projectile flying out the windshield. You protected him from that possibility. Gven if the odds are small, I've known pets who have died, or gone missing and were never found, in crashes and it's such a horrific thing.
When I lost my Tag in September, I really worried I did the wrong thing by calling the vet to help him over. I sometimes go back and watch those final videos. I shared them with my vets, and they said "I think he was beginning the dying process." He couldn't walk across the room without being unable to breathe properly, he was fainting, losing interest in food, etc. The videos upset me greatly, but they remind me that what he was experiencing was something neither I nor my vets could fix. This was a traumatic event for you.
If only they could all live into their 20's, and slowly wind down, go to sleep in their favorite little beds and just slip away. I am so sorry for your loss and how upsetting it was for you.

 

[iPappy]

How did you know your girl visited you? I am comforted by my baby’s spirit and would love to experience it.

Do your best to listen, and watch.
My Tag wore a pair of pet pajamas the last 6 months of his life because of his skin disease. When he passed, I washed them and sleep with them every single night, always tucked up against my pillow on my right. A few weeks after he passed, I had this dream where I was in an unfamiliar to me building, and I opened a door and it lead to a finished basement. It was lit up. I saw Tag running around down there, and he saw me. He was young and healthy again. As he came up the stairs to me, I woke up. As I woke up, the words "he's ascending" popped into my head. (Not, "he's coming up the steps" or "he's climbing the stairs"....simply, "he's ascending".) I was on my left side when I woke, and those pajamas had migrated to the other side of the bed, and were tucked into my neck/shoulder area. The little front leg parts were "hugged" around my neck. I'll never forget it.