My cat isnt cuddly anymore?

[brittonm]

I have a male cat, more of a kitten..

He was lovey at first (7-8 weeks old) and would sleep with me at night, let me hold him, cuddle on the couch but after spraying him with water or spanking him for being bad he doesn't show any affection at all. I pick him up, his ears go back so i know hes unhappy. I place him in the bed like I did every night before bed and he immediately runs away. I lock him out of the bedroom because I can't stand him under the bed so he has the whole living room to roam... He's now 4-5 months old. He just sits behind the couch through out the day while I'm on the couch or lays by the front door.. The only time he will show his love is if he's hungry or if I get up to go to the bathroom or walk around the house. I pet him and walk away, or when he's done I just let him go. So I don't force love on him. What's the deal? Is it the teenage phase? Will he grow out of it as he is older or after I snip him? Every cat I've ever had has been lovey and sweet.. Never like this. I don't want a cat who just lives here and doesn't interact with anyone. Ive even considered giving him away I cant take it anymore. Thanks.

 

[Alicia88]

Spanking him?  As in hitting him?  You never hit a cat!!!

 

[lunasmummy001]

I think you should give him to another family...
It clearly isn't working out, and the poor cat sounds really unhappy.

 

[mservant]

Your young cat is still a kitten, but a teenage one.   I don't agree that you should look at re-homing your cat, but rather try to understand what is happening from his point of view.

One place to start is to understand cats and kittens are not like humans and do not understand punishment like smacking or water sprays. These things are more likely to make your cat anxious, and afraid of you because your behaviours are confusing.  One moment offering and receiving affection and the next doing things which hurt or frighten.  There are a couple of useful articles here one site which explain this further, and offer ideas of how to change the behaviours that you don't want him to continue with.

These two are a good start:

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/cats-and-discipline-dont-mix

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/the-dos-and-donts-of-cat-behavior-modification

and if you want to read more about how to understand your cat there are lots here.

The other thing I suggest you try, along with altering how you approach those 'bad' behaviours, is to think about how much you play with him.  A cat or kitten is much more likely to snuggle up and share affection with the humans in their life who have a strong bond with them.   Much like human children, the best ways to build this bond are through play, food, and consistent behaviour to help them feel safe.  If food and play go together, even better.  

It sounds like both of you are really sad right now, but that does not mean it is time to give up.   Perhaps time to make a fresh start?  

 

[moorspede]

Cats don't respond well to punishment, you don't have his trust anymore. If you want to have a relationship with your cat you will have to win it back which will take time and patience.

Here's an article on what to do and what not to do to modify a cat's behaviour. 

If you wish to have a relationship with your cat some of the foster carers in this forum could give you pointers on things to do and not to do to regain your cat's trust. Otherwise you could surrender him to a no kill animal shelter near you. Someone will have to work with your cat to get him to trust people again so please don't take him somewhere where they may put him down. 

 

[di and bob]

Cats do not respond to physical punishment like dogs, it just makes them afraid and timid. You are giving out punishment for behaviors most likely associated with kitten behavior, scratching furniture, jumping on the counters, or attacking the legs of someone walking by. All these things are typical and should be met with firm guidance such as NO very loudly or distraction with a thrown toy or treat. 4-5 months old is at the height of kitten behavior. Now you have an anxious, scared kitten who needs to build his confidence back up with love and patience. Offer treats and play several times a day. Sit and talk to him quietly and encourage him to come to you and interact. It can be done but it will take time. He needs a cardboard 'scratcher' to vent his scratching needs, get two sided tape and apply it where he scratches. Get cat nip to entice him, a wand to play with him with. Cats typically outgrow affectionate behavior around 6 months old to a year. They will still be lap cats but not as often, Some cats are more affectionate than others, their personalities dictate how affectionate they will be. Please take the time to win the trust and love back from the kitten who loves you and is so confused by everything going on. If you can't find the patience and understanding of kitten behavior, please find him a home where he can find it. All the luck and keep us posted!

 

[tracie holladay]

You spanked him. 

That's all it took. 

He may not trust you ever again. 

 

[brittonm]

Spanking him?  As in hitting him?  You never hit a cat!!!

A slight spank with a card board tube. So much misleading info on the internet. So.

 

[brittonm]

You spanked him. 

That's all it took. That's a lie.


He may not trust you ever again. 

 

[brittonm]

Cats do not respond to physical punishment like dogs, it just makes them afraid and timid. You are giving out punishment for behaviors most likely associated with kitten behavior, scratching furniture, jumping on the counters, or attacking the legs of someone walking by. All these things are typical and should be met with firm guidance such as NO very loudly or distraction with a thrown toy or treat. 4-5 months old is at the height of kitten behavior. Now you have an anxious, scared kitten who needs to build his confidence back up with love and patience. Offer treats and play several times a day. Sit and talk to him quietly and encourage him to come to you and interact. It can be done but it will take time. He needs a cardboard 'scratcher' to vent his scratching needs, get two sided tape and apply it where he scratches. Get cat nip to entice him, a wand to play with him with. Cats typically outgrow affectionate behavior around 6 months old to a year. They will still be lap cats but not as often, Some cats are more affectionate than others, their personalities dictate how affectionate they will be. Please take the time to win the trust and love back from the kitten who loves you and is so confused by everything going on. If you can't find the patience and understanding of kitten behavior, please find him a home where he can find it. All the luck and keep us posted!

Scratching isn't the issue. He has toys, I play, and has numerous things to scatch on.

 

[brittonm]

Cats don't respond well to punishment, you don't have his trust anymore. If you want to have a relationship with your cat you will have to win it back which will take time and patience.

Here's an article on what to do and what not to do to modify a cat's behaviour. 

If you wish to have a relationship with your cat some of the foster carers in this forum could give you pointers on things to do and not to do to regain your cat's trust. Otherwise you could surrender him to a no kill animal shelter near you. Someone will have to work with your cat to get him to trust people again so please don't take him somewhere where they may put him down. 

Great response. Sadly the article gets me no where. Just tells me what not to do. Not what TO do but "look in my heart......"

 

[brittonm]

I think you should give him to another family...
It clearly isn't working out, and the poor cat sounds really unhappy.

K

 

[brittonm]

Your young cat is still a kitten, but a teenage one.   I don't agree that you should look at re-homing your cat, but rather try to understand what is happening from his point of view.

One place to start is to understand cats and kittens are not like humans and do not understand punishment like smacking or water sprays. These things are more likely to make your cat anxious, and afraid of you because your behaviours are confusing.  One moment offering and receiving affection and the next doing things which hurt or frighten.  There are a couple of useful articles here one site which explain this further, and offer ideas of how to change the behaviours that you don't want him to continue with.

These two are a good start:

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/cats-and-discipline-dont-mix
 
http://www.thecatsite.com/a/the-dos-and-donts-of-cat-behavior-modification
 
and if you want to read more about how to understand your cat there are lots here.
 
The other thing I suggest you try, along with altering how you approach those 'bad' behaviours, is to think about how much you play with him.  A cat or kitten is much more likely to snuggle up and share affection with the humans in their life who have a strong bond with them.   Much like human children, the best ways to build this bond are through play, food, and consistent behaviour to help them feel safe.  If food and play go together, even better.  :bigthumb:
 
It sounds like both of you are really sad right now, but that does not mean it is time to give up.   Perhaps time to make a fresh start?  

Great response, sadly the article doesn't tell me anything. Just says what not to do. Not what to do

 

[mservant]

I' sorry you don't feel we have been very helpful.  Maybe if you can tell us particular things your cat does which you want to stop him from doing,  and if there are things you want him to do more of, like the showing affection, which you do want?

The main principle when trying to alter the way a cat behaves is to figure out what motivates them and that they like.    That way you can reward them when they do something you want to encourage.

If the main thing you want is to feel more affection then the most effective way to get there is through play and reward, and allowing your cat to choose when to make contact with you.   The more of a bond they feel through play and food and safety, the more likely they are to seek affection with you.  If you are stressed or tense that is also something which can be difficult for cats, and they will tend to get stressed too.

 

[basscat]

If you now know what NOT to do, AND....You see where you went wrong, and CAN correct it.

Then, here's what TO do now.

Simply ignore kitty and don't mess with him UNTIL he instigates it.
If he wants food, feed him.
If he wants to play, play with him.
If he wants snuggles, snuggle.

BUT, when he's done, you be done too.

He'll come back around.

 

[2Cats4everLoved]

I agree with @MServant  - you both are confused and sad at the situation at hand.

When I found my boy Simon (recently passed away), I knew that the apartment was his and I considered it a cat's place.  I have a small place so those extra hiding places that made him happy I fixed so they would be safe for him.  Such as a hiding place under the bed, a place behind the headboard, a shelf on the bottom closet etc.  

Cat's need cozy spots to call their own.

Why don't you want him under the bed?  Do you have any spots like a dark hiding spot for him to hide?

May I ask what he was doing that got you annoyed enough to spray and spank him.

Cats are very proud animals and are easily insulted, was your voice raised in a threatening tone?

Does he have a cat condo or a place to claim of his own?  I always say this, but I'm a big fan of boxes.  When they get banged up and dirty, just get another.

I always have one, I get a clean box from the grocer, tilt it on it's side and tape the flaps open with one hanging down cut in half like a garage door (of sorts), you can cut a hole in the sides, big enough for his paw to reach out,  place the box near the sofa and when you lay on the sofa take a string toy you can swing by the hole or open flap, and see if he'll play with you.  

This will be a safe place for him, dark and cozy if he wants to nap, and with you playing at a close distance, it will be associated with play and positive fun.

And agreed, don't force love on him, let him come around at his pace.

This most likely can be fixed over time and you need to have patience with him.  Once you get over this hump, you'll have a loving kitty by your side.

Please don't look on youtube for advice, come here first.

Keep us updated...  I'm curious how this turns out.

 

[elliesvictim]

For now leave him be. Any attention will be viewed as a threat.
While I agree you shouldn't hit a cat, I have and at times have lost my cool. We should not be so quick to judge. None of us are perfect.
I tapped my girl on the bum immediately after she attacked my face.
I tapped her on the bum when she ran out the door almost cutting herself in half.
And I tapped her on the bum when she dug all her claws in all four paws into my arm because she decided bath time was over. Seriously I held my arm upside down and she would not let go.
It's not a training tool I'd recommend but my girl hasn't done any of these since.
Give him food he likes, don't force it, be patient, leave him treats. He will come around given time.
They forgive, so should you.