My Cat Hates Me. No, Seriously

[mr1992]

Hey there,

well, I've got a problem with our cat - she really, really doesn't seem to like me very much at all.
We've had her for about half a year; she was a stray and my mum brought her, and she's living with me and my girlfriend. She loves my mum, likes my girlfriend, and appears to hate me with a passion.
That wasn't the case from the beginning, though; she was on heat for probably the first time when we got her (she's neutered now), and was very amiable and loving towards everyone to the point that she insistently cuddled up, wanting to be stroked, etc. This then changed gradually, and she grew more distant to most people, especially me, though. She warmed up to most of them again, but kept her disdain towards me, running away from me, hissing, etc.
I really haven't made more mistakes or stepped wrongly with her than anyone else (my mum brought her to the vet multiple times, which caused her to go full-on bonkers in the car yet she still loves her); mistakes I've made were once trying to introduce her to a dog (which wasn't a good idea, for the dog, that is [there was no chasing involved, she just scratched the dog, that's it]) and trying to briefly train her to accept my company as you would with a dog, because I just had it by that point with her running away from me. Yeah, that didn't work.

Her general dislike is expressed first of all by running away from me whenever I try to approach her, unless she's dozing or wants food, then she's accepting of my company and stroking her; she ends interaction by hissing at me (after running away) and/or scratching me. I know the signs when a cat is fine done with a stroking, but she tends to not really show them; also, I'm the only one to get scratched on a regular basis - and that while having the least interaction with her.
The most annoying bit is that she randomly pees on my clothes, regardless of whether they're fresh out of the washing machine or old ones; she pees on mine exclusively (safe for a few rare exceptions). Sometimes I know that I've pissed her off, generally, however, there wasn't even an event that could've sparked it because either I wasn't even there or all her needs were met and I did't interact with her at all.

The strange thing is that she's more accepting of me when I'm the only one in the house for a longer period of time. Then, she's more likely to approach me and "suffer my touch", yet as soon as either my girlfriend, my mum, or my sister are around, she shuns me and hisses at me whenever I'm close.

I don't really think ill of her, she's an animal after all, it's just annoying to keep having cat pee on my clothes and living with a creature in your house with whom I've got next to no interaction, running dangerously close to forgetting about her concerning change of litter or food. It did have the nice side-effect of having less clothes lying on the floor, though.

If ANYONE happens to have any insight into the matter, please do share it because I'm at the end of my wits and really would like to at least have some interaction with her or at least her not hissing at me for, well, no bloody reason at all.

Thanks a lot in advance to any who may answer

 

[KarenKat]

Sorry about your troubles, that’s definitely frustrating! Would it be possible to have you feed her as often as possible, rather than anyone else? It could help a lot with bonding. Also try to play with her if you can with an interactive toy, like Da Bird which is a feather on a string.

Also, making sure to walk softly and speak softly - it’s possible something about your voice or gait could be causing her to be more wary.

One of the best successes you can have is playing hard to get actually. Cat manners mean not looking directly into their eyes (seen as aggressive) and not approaching them for petting or cuddles but letting them approach you. You can sit in a room with her and simply read out loud quietly so she gets used to her voice and doesn’t think you are trying to approach her. It’s always that cliche of the person that doesn’t like cats at a party and the cat chooses that person to approach because he’s the only one not being “rude.” If you have access to any Jackson Galaxy episode of “My Cat from Hell” almost every episode he is explaining how to interact with cats in a positive way. Good luck, I’m sure she’ll come around eventually, just may take some patience!

 

[Furballsmom]

Also, can you change your shampoo/bath soap/laundry soap, and also you could try a calming spray on your clothing? See if having a different smell changes her behavior.
Here are a couple of articles, that might have something useful for you.
How To Get Cat Pee Smell Out Of Clothes And Linens
Playing With Your Cat: 10 Things You Need To Know
How To Solve Litterbox Problems In Cats: The Ultimate Guide
14 Cat Experts Reveal: How To Get A Cat To Like Me

 

[1 bruce 1]

Sorry about your troubles, that’s definitely frustrating! Would it be possible to have you feed her as often as possible, rather than anyone else? It could help a lot with bonding. Also try to play with her if you can with an interactive toy, like Da Bird which is a feather on a string.

Also, making sure to walk softly and speak softly - it’s possible something about your voice or gait could be causing her to be more wary.

One of the best successes you can have is playing hard to get actually. Cat manners mean not looking directly into their eyes (seen as aggressive) and not approaching them for petting or cuddles but letting them approach you. You can sit in a room with her and simply read out loud quietly so she gets used to her voice and doesn’t think you are trying to approach her. It’s always that cliche of the person that doesn’t like cats at a party and the cat chooses that person to approach because he’s the only one not being “rude.” If you have access to any Jackson Galaxy episode of “My Cat from Hell” almost every episode he is explaining how to interact with cats in a positive way. Good luck, I’m sure she’ll come around eventually, just may take some patience!

Agreed agreed agreed!!!
I would stop approaching her all together and do your best to be the delivery person of all things food, and make sure she sees you do it. Touch the rim of the bowl/plate and leave your scent there. Hand over the food, and walk away.
It sounds counter productive but I wouldn't be surprised if trying to fix this is making her feel pushed and hence the peeing thing.
If she approaches or happens into the room you're in, say "hello" and go back to what you are doing, but I would stop trying to reach out and pet her now. Some cats don't like petting at all, and some don't like it from people they don't consider theirs, but once that person is one of their own, you can't PRY them off you if your life depended on it. I don't like hugging people I barely know, and if someone I don't know well tries to give me a hug or touches my arm or something, I find it creepy even though they probably (I hope) mean no harm!)

Another option if it's possible (not sure if this house belongs to you or not?) is installing some wall shelves so she has more "vertical" access. A lot of cats kind of mellow out if they are able to have space in the house that's upwards, cats like being up high and it would be a good place to call her own.

 

[mr1992]

Thanks for your speedy replies! :-)

I don't know whether I've done either of those things for a long enough time, but I did try to play hard to get (basically taking care of all matters food and not interacting with her at all, which I'd done for about a fortnight, perhaps three weeks; she still didn't care for me), I presume it's definitely worth a shot repeating that for an even longer time - after all, we've only had her for half a year. I'm just concerned, because it's shown before that she'll just seek out other people (to explain the living situation: it's my parents' house; my girlfriend and I are living in a flat in the top storey; it's rather open-ish (i.e. we leave the door to the stairs open, so the cat can walk up and down as she pleases, but sticks to the cellar mostly when she leaves the flat; our dogs are in my parents' part of the house so she avoids that).
The smell part sounds quite interesting, however, I change my soap etc. so often that there's really no consistency. I'd love to say that might be something, but my girlfriend does the same thing, so yeah, I'll definitely look into the calming spray thing, whether that's available at all where I live!
The vertical access aspect is something we've planned on doing for a while; thanks for the suggestion, we'll be looking into that as well. I'd actually hoped to be using some of those shelves, but oh well all for the cat I guess. Peculiarly, the only up part she's gone for is the windowsill; she's mostly hidden underneath stuff.
As to the step and gait, I've been paying a lot more attention to that (I'm do Natural Horsemanship and know how to change my, for a lack of a better word, "energy" to a very calm level); I've often wondered whether my mere presence or base energy might be just too intense for her to really be at ease.
One more thing, it sometimes seems like she's looking for eye contact - I don't know how comparable that is, but rescued/street dogs are known to look for eye contact, could that factor in here as well? She doesn't seem stressed or attacked when she's looked in the eye, and doesn't take it as an incentive to do anything really; that's left me a bit puzzled.


Again, thanks for all the replies, I hope the best that your tips will help our relationship :-)

 

[KarenKat]

'm do Natural Horsemanship and know how to change my, for a lack of a better word, "energy" to a very calm level

That sounds great. I’m sure it’s directly applicable and I’m sure that will help.

Definitely good luck. Sounds like you understand enough cat lingo so maybe it’s just time and patience are key.

 

[danteshuman]

Besides all the great advice you can try closing your eyes. I suck at the slow. Link so I just close my eyes and ignore a skittish cat. I don't approach them. I pretend I can't see them.

Some cats prefer one gender over the other (like my man living cat that is stuck with a female owner since his 'dad' abdandoned him when we divorced.) if she prefers woman, accept it. This may not be a reflection of you. You do not know if a male hurt her when she was a kitten or if she was a semi-feral fed by a kind lady or if she just loves women. I would get her to balance out so she pees in the litterbox and not your clothes. Then go to a shelter and tell them you are looking for a man loving cat/kitten. Bring home said man loving cat and do slow introductions to your resident cat. It was why my x-hubby and I adopted Salem. My x-hubby picked him up and he started purrring. I held him and he tolerated it. Salem loves me today but I'm not his favorite human.

 

[1 bruce 1]

Thanks for your speedy replies! :-)

I don't know whether I've done either of those things for a long enough time, but I did try to play hard to get (basically taking care of all matters food and not interacting with her at all, which I'd done for about a fortnight, perhaps three weeks; she still didn't care for me), I presume it's definitely worth a shot repeating that for an even longer time - after all, we've only had her for half a year. I'm just concerned, because it's shown before that she'll just seek out other people (to explain the living situation: it's my parents' house; my girlfriend and I are living in a flat in the top storey; it's rather open-ish (i.e. we leave the door to the stairs open, so the cat can walk up and down as she pleases, but sticks to the cellar mostly when she leaves the flat; our dogs are in my parents' part of the house so she avoids that).
The smell part sounds quite interesting, however, I change my soap etc. so often that there's really no consistency. I'd love to say that might be something, but my girlfriend does the same thing, so yeah, I'll definitely look into the calming spray thing, whether that's available at all where I live!
The vertical access aspect is something we've planned on doing for a while; thanks for the suggestion, we'll be looking into that as well. I'd actually hoped to be using some of those shelves, but oh well all for the cat I guess. Peculiarly, the only up part she's gone for is the windowsill; she's mostly hidden underneath stuff.
As to the step and gait, I've been paying a lot more attention to that (I'm do Natural Horsemanship and know how to change my, for a lack of a better word, "energy" to a very calm level); I've often wondered whether my mere presence or base energy might be just too intense for her to really be at ease.
One more thing, it sometimes seems like she's looking for eye contact - I don't know how comparable that is, but rescued/street dogs are known to look for eye contact, could that factor in here as well? She doesn't seem stressed or attacked when she's looked in the eye, and doesn't take it as an incentive to do anything really; that's left me a bit puzzled.


Again, thanks for all the replies, I hope the best that your tips will help our relationship :-)

You had me at Natural Horsemanship, and knowing how to change your inner energy or "workings" or whatever you want to call them is so important. There comes a time when a problem actually INCREASES your sense of chill, which is amazing and very handy.
If she seeks your eye contact, give it to her, but blink heavily, make like you're an exhausted 2 year old and your lids weigh about 200 pounds each, then turn away. (Edit Sometimes even meeting their eyes, blinking so hard that you practically close your eyes for a moment, then open and turn away works if they're really acting annoyed.) It's kind of cat speak for "it's all good between us" without having to seek physical touch.
Another thing I've noticed my cats (and dogs) respond to is a quick chin lift when we meet eyes. One of my dogs even does it back, and a few of my cats take it as an invitation to come over to me.
I'm talking it lasts 1/4 second, like you might give a stranger a friendly nod, except instead of tipping your head down slightly, you tip it up slightly. Then go on and do something else.

 

[danteshuman]

I recommended a man loving cat & then realized you may be a teenager. In which case I take it back until you get a place of your own. Cats live 20 years. Teens grow up, move out (to go to college) and often leave the cat behind. So maybe a man loving cat when you get your own place?

Cats respond to slow blinks (or closing your eyes.) Direct eye contact is like someone yelling at us "I'm going to mop the floor with you!" or "I'm going to kick your a**!!!" The point is no matter how friendly that person may be acting it would be pretty disconcerting if they were screaming threats to you all the time. I wouldn't want to hug that person. So though dogs like direct eye contact, in cat speak direct eye contact is a threat.

 

[mr1992]

Just as a brief update, sorry I took so long to reply: Your advice worked fantastically well! Slow blinking combined with slower movements and ignoring her to a certain extent certainly worked a charm. Thanks so much once more; I've run into another problem, but I'll post this in a new threat.