My cat died a few months ago, I still get depressed and question myself whenever I think about him.

epicguy

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 25, 2017
Messages
2
Reaction score
1
Hello, this will be a bit long so please bare with me.

Ever since I was born, I have known this cat, my parents picked him up from the SPCA when he was about 2 or 3 they tell me. I grew up with him and he was like a brother to me. Now on this note, I was a kid, and like most kids who rough around with things, I could be rough with my cat. For example, I really liked putting him in a blanket and taking him around with me, I would also like to lay on the bed and put him under a bed cover since he was very soft and warm, and as a kid I really liked that. When he got older he got grumpy though and liked to just sit around, but I would force him to visit me. He never really clawed me or got angry, except a few times. Sometimes he would hiss, growl, or claw me, and when he did I would put pressure on his hand or pinch him to show him that him doing that hurt me as well, and I remember a few times I had thrown him away because he clawed me.

Please keep in mind it is not like I was some grown man, I was a kid, it wasn't hard, but thinking back on it now I hate myself for it anyways, and I wish I didn't do it. I really wish I didn't, I have so much regret, I feel depressed and guilty constantly.

He died when I was 16, leaving him to be around 18-19, I remember about a week before I was laying with him on my bed and rolled over to get my remote and accidentally sort of went on him, I am not sure if it hurt him or not. But the week of his death, one day he was fine, moving around, sluggish as usual, me and my family had noticed a decline in his health in his older years such as he sort of struggled to get up and down the stairs, but he was still carrying on. The next from him being normal, he could barely walk, he wasn't cleaning himself and he peed himself as well. He would not eat or drink. A day later it was the same, and then the day after, he couldn't even stand up. The night of his death I sat beside him, petting him, trying to get him to drink, every time I would force water into his mouth he cough/choke. I went to check on my computer for 10-15 minutes, and it was quite a stormy night and my power had surged due to a lightning strike nearby which made me angry, so I decided to just get off the computer and go back out to see my cat, he was dead. I regret going on the computer that night, why would I do that? Should I have done that? Do you think the cat was angry I left his side right before he died?

The vet, and my parents said he died of old age, I asked my parents and told them that I was rough with him, they were quite aware of that, but they re-assured me it was not my fault, and he died of old age, and that the age he lived to was impressive for a cat, that only eased my mind for a while. Our cat was very well fed, and given clean water, and was indoors which all keeps him healthy, although he did have a bad case of gingivitis that developed in his later years that led to his teeth being partially rotted, the vet said it was common in old cats and that operating would be too risky. I am really not sure if it was my fault or not and would like to get your opinion on this.

I am in my late 17's about to turn 18 and constantly question myself about it, I have got a new cat and raised it from a kitten and treat it like a diamond, I never want to feel the same guilt ever again in my life, but every time I see the cat I think of my old cat, could it have been my fault? I loved to visit my cat and tried to be nice to him, but sometimes I would get angry that he would get mad, do you think he hated me?

I know there is a lot of questions but even if you only answer one it would be a relief to me, I have had no one to really talk to about this and it has really been something I want to discuss with other people who will understand.

His health history is he was quite obese at one point, then slimmed down, then gained some weight again, and at his old age he was a decent sized cat, I believe he weighed about 10-15 pounds, not exactly sure though. He had quite a few cyst on him, they were hard lumps, balls actually, that were located on him. The vet came and removed some but a few came back. That is really all I can think of. My dad also claims he could of got a disease from a bird he killed about a week before, since one had got into the house, and he chewed on it for a bit or something, not exactly sure, I was busy at the time, I am not sure if there is any truth behind that though.

Thank you for reading.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #2

epicguy

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 25, 2017
Messages
2
Reaction score
1
Also I know I made some grammar mistakes, it is quite late so I am not too on point currently, and I don't know how to edit the post so if you could just ignore them that would be appreciated.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
11,016
Reaction score
12,815
Location
Nebraska, USA
What you are going through is called grief. When someone dies that is close to us, we miss them so very much and start thinking of all the past we shared with them. Unfortunately with that comes all those things we did that bring regret and we tend to dwell on what we should have, could have done different. This happens to all people because we are human and make mistakes and remember our past which cannot be changed. I find it remarkable that at your age you are experiencing these kinds of feelings, it shows a maturity beyond your years. Most young people your age are pretty much self centered and don't take death so seriously, much less confess their acts that may have caused pain to someone they love. That your cat lived to such an old age shows that he was cared for and loved. You have learned through him that with old age comes the inevitable ailments that come with it, like bad teeth and cysts that cause those lumps on their bodies.  They are both very common, as is the aches and pain of arthritis which cause them to get grouchy when touched. After the age of 14 or so, vets are very reluctant to sedate one so frail, the risk of heart attack or not coming out of the anesthesia are much higher and often outweigh the advantage of surgery.

 That you feel regret and sorrow now perfectly normal and a part of the grieving process. I was the cause of my sweet cat's death so know all to well the pain it brings. It is not something you ever forget or get over, you learn to live with it and adjust your life around it. Try not to dwell on the past, there is nothing you can do about it and nothing will change, it just brings heartache. That you confess this to others and feel regret helps to purge your soul, and that you have learned from it is what will bring you peace. Your sweet boy would be the last one to want to bring you such pain, he loved you too much for that. He died at home surrounded by those who cared, and that is wonderful, so many die scared and without a loved one close. If you were the first to go, how would you want him to live out his life? In regret and pain, longing to change what cannot be undone? Or in happiness, keeping those who we loved so much in our hearts and using our past memories of happier times to comfort us, not bring us pain and regret. He would want you to go on, use the past to improve your Karma, it sounds like you have a good start. Know he is nearby, on a different life's path now, but it will always follow yours until it crosses again.  The love you have for each other is spiritual, nothing, not even death, can take the bond you two formed. Use it to tell him how much he is loved and missed, and how you are feeling, and he will do the same. Honor his name by passing on that legacy of love to that new little love, your heart can hold many, each one different, unique, and as priceless as a diamond.  My heart goes out to you, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Surround yourself with people who understand and take care of yourself, you have a long life ahead of you and I am proud of having the privilege of conversing with someone as young as you that feels like you do and can love, and grieve, at this level. Go out and do good in your loved ones name, make him proud..........RIP sweet boy, you will never be forgotten and will always hold a place in a loving heart. Sleep tight, sweet prince!
 
Last edited:

donutte

Professional cat sitter extraordinaire!
Top Cat
Joined
Apr 22, 2015
Messages
5,765
Reaction score
2,516
Location
Northern suburbs of Chicago
I could not have said it any better than Di and Bob did. This is all a very normal part of the grieving process. The process itself definitely doesn't feel normal, but it is. We all grieve in different ways, and for different lengths of time. There is no wrong or right when it comes to grief either (so don't let anyone tell you it's time to "get over it" or "he was just a cat" which is popular it seems).

I'm sure you didn't hurt him, but yes, we often go through all the "what-ifs" after losing a pet, regardless of why they pass. What if I had done/not done such and such, would he still be here? I can only say to try not to focus on the what-ifs so much because they can eat you alive after awhile.

It sounds like you and your kitty were great companions for each other, and were so lucky to have each other growing up. One day, you may find it in your heart to give another lost soul a forever home to call his or her own. I always say that is one of the best ways to honor the memory of a lost pet. :nod:
 

kittylove53

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
May 15, 2015
Messages
338
Reaction score
177
Location
Orange County New York
How you are feeling is very natural.Your cat lived a very long and good life growing up with you.All of us feel that we could have done things in another way.Your kitty knew that you loved him and needed him. He was happy to be loved by you.He may have gotten grouchy at times ,but that comes with age.What happened in the past can not be changed, and your kitty has gone on to another form. He watches over you and will never forget the wonderful life you gave him.You have progressed a great deal in a few years. Now you have a new kitty to take care of,and you will make other choices with him.You have gained valuable experience from having your other cat.To always remember your other kitty is a tribute to him.He will always remember the love you shared.I know exactly what you are feeling,having lost my beloved kitty Omelette two months ago.You can read her story in this forum. Sending hugs and understanding to you and your new kitty.
 

les26

Sylvester's daddy
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 19, 2015
Messages
1,734
Reaction score
3,166
Location
Emmaus, Pennsylvania
First let me say that I am sorry that you lost your cat and are feeling these feelings, but like others have said it is normal grief which makes us think, feel and say things that we normally would not do. And for someone so young to care so much is something that we are proud of, it shows how much you loved him and cared!

I also went through something similar when I was a bit younger than you are, I had a cat named Blackjack, and I would wrestle him, tackle him like we were playing football on the bed, was very rough with him and being so young and immature I didn't realize this wasn't bad! If I now at 56 years old would see someone doing that I certainly would scold and correct them, but sometimes when we are young we do stupid things, but he forgave me, and of course as I got older I stopped doing that, and if I would lay on the floor on my back and whistle he would come and lay on my stomach and chest and purr, all was forgotten and forgiven, so what I am saying is we learn from things that we do and move on, and you said you are treating your new cat like a diamond so that tells me you have learned already too, keep up the good care with your new one and keep your one that passed alive in your heart and mind and he will never be gone as memories last forever.

Time will make things better, deal with the grief how you must, don't be ashamed to cry, it doesn't make you any less of a "man", in fact it shows you care.

I hope you feel a bit better each day, your cat has already forgiven you, God Bless......
 
 

fantisticat

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Jan 19, 2016
Messages
27
Reaction score
17
Location
Denver, Colorado
The other Cat Site folks have said it well.  Your cat lived a lovely long life with you as a friend. 

We big clumsy humans are quite adept, by the way, at accidentally stepping on our beloved kitty's tails, pushing them away more aggressively than we intended, and so on and so on!  Great intentions and time make us a bit more coordinated!

May you enjoy a kitty-filled life!
 

Kat0121

Advisor
Staff Member
Advisor
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
12,565
Reaction score
12,820
Location
Sunny Florida
What you are feeling is completely normal. When this happens, we all question every thing we did or did not do. It's human nature to automatically ask ourselves, "was it my fault?" 

Your cat's death was not your fault. These things happen. They come into our lives when are they are supposed to and they depart when they are supposed to. He was with you a long time. A long time that was filled with love and friendship. He still loves you. He will always love you and he knows that you will always love him. You will meet again when the time is right. Until then he will watch over you with nothing but love. 

If he were beside you and could talk, he'd tell you this himself. He will tell you when you are together again one day. Please be kind to yourself while you grieve. He would not want you to suffer. He is at peace. He is whole and well again. He is at the bridge where he is being cared for very lovingly until you return to take over again. He wants you to be happy too. You deserve to be. Hold onto the memories of all the good times you shared with him because he is holding onto the ones he has of you. 

We understand how you feel and we are here if you need help getting through this. 
 
Top