My beautiful Muffin passed away today

[msaimee]

I intend to post something on the "In Memory" page, but I wanted to post something here because so many of you have heard me tell stories about my beautiful feral, Muffin, and I wanted to let you know he passed today.

The past few days he developed some kind of infection in his mouth, probably an abscessed tooth, and was drooling and unable to eat though he struggled to eat. I was unable to get antibiotics in him. He was in a fetal position on my porch all night and seemed to be suffering. This morning, my neighbor and I were finally able to trap him. She dropped a blanket on him and we got him into a cat carrier. He was pretty ill, so it wasn't difficult.  

We were so happy. After four and a half years of trying to catch trap-savvy Muffin to get him neutered, we got him. I was taking him to the ER vet and he was going to get his mouth cared for, his shots, blood work, and get neutered. I was so very happy.

I was driving to work this afternoon when I received the call from my vet that he tested positive for FIV. The vet was recommending euthanasia because he is an outdoor cat and would infect other cats. While they were working with him he was agitated and trying to bite them, so she concluded that he was a danger to people. I tried to explain that he's never been aggressive or unkind to any person, ever--but now he was scared and ill and in pain. She said they had him sedated and it would be my decision, but if I were to keep him, he'd need to live in a room by himself. I could never do that to him--he is a creature of the outdoors. She said he'd have a lot of suffering in his future with infections.

I felt put on the spot, and I made the decision to euthanize him. I've always intended to one day take him into my home and for him to be and indoor/outdoor cat--if he would allow. But I saw that possibility slip away. I asked her about vaccinating my other cats against FIV and she said there wasn't a vaccination for that. Well I know there is one, and I should have questioned her further about that. But I was in shock. I couldn't envision putting my other cats at risk, or him infecting other cats outside. And I didn't know what I would do the next time he'd get sick if I couldn't get him to the vet again or get antibiotics inside of him. I asked if I could be present while he was euthanized, and she said they did not want to awaken him out of sedation because he was so agitated. So I was not present when he passed.

I wish I hadn't asked for the SNAP test, that way I would never have known. I could have brought him home after the surgery and let him back outside. He could have had another few years. My neighbor and I feel we betrayed him by trapping him, and sending him to his death. But I couldn't have allowed him to die slowly from that infection on my porch.

I've taken care of Muffin for four and a half years. He's been my soul friend. He's listened to me during my darkest hours. He had offspring and brought them to me to care for three years ago. My neighbor and I adopted and socialized all of them. He was a loving papa cat, a true friend to the people on my block.  I'm glad I have Harry, his son, who looks so much like him--and I will love him forever. I hope Muffin forgives me from beyond the grave because that was not how I wanted him to pass--with strange people and afraid. I pray he is at peace now.

Muffininhouse.png

• msaimee
• Nov 18, 2014

Muffin.png

• msaimee
• Mar 17, 2016

View media item 214050

 

[DreamerRose]

i'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a good friend; don't feel guilty about it. It was the best decision for him. Hugs to you.

 

[goblinsmom]

I'm crying for you and Muffin. I'm so sorry for your loss and I understand the guilt you feel. You did what you could and I'm sure made his life better for those four years that he was your companion, as I'm sure he returned the favor to you. I'm glad that he is not suffering any longer. Give lots of hugs to Harry, Muffin will live on through him.

 

[shadowsrescue]

You know Muffin is looking down on you and thanking you for helping him.  This time will be difficult, but please know you did the right thing for him.  He is at peace and you were the most wonderful caretaker for him. 

I am crying tears and tears.  You were greatly loved Muffin. 

 

[feralsrule]

He had to be treated, there was no easy choice and you did the right thing by trapping him and taking him to the vet. Take heart in that you acted responsibly and for his best interests even if eventually there was little you could do.

So sorry for your loss. I can see he was a beautiful cat, really majestic.

 

[ericsmom1000]

Ignorance is not bliss. Had your cat not had the SNAP test, he would have infected others. He also was producing kittens, adding to the pet overpopulation problem. You were in a very difficult position because Muffin was not domesticated, and so you could not easily take him to the vet. You did the right thing in euthanizing him. He's not mad at you. He was happy to get rid of his sick body. Your vet and his or her staff, however, needs to improve their bedside manner. They gave you incorrect information, and then refused to let you be there when Muffin passed. If my vet treated me like that, I'd get another. Muffin is at peace now. My condolences on your loss.

 

[msaimee]

Every kitten Muffin produced, he brought to me. There were six over a period of a few years--I took in two, my neighbor took in three, and another neighbor took in one. They were all trapped, neutered, adopted and socialized to be indoor cats. I don't regret the kittens he produced because the two of them I have I love very much. Muffin loved his offspring and unlike most feral males, took care of them and brought them to his food bowl on my porch. I'm very thankful especially for Harry, who looks so much like him. I have a part of Muffin with me forever. Muffin brought Mia, his daughter, to me a few months after someone had shot her with a gun. She survived, but has a slow gait and can't jump very high--he brought her to my porch for food and care. She is still semi-feral and doesn't like to be touched, but she loves to play with the wand toy and she's very happy to be indoors and safe and loved. I love both of them very much and don't regret them having been born.    

From what I've read online since yesterday, the risk of spread of infection among indoor cats is minimal. He would have to bite them. And Muffin knew my indoor cats, two were his offspring, and the others have sat on my lap on my porch with him. Muffin would never have hurt my cats. Also, since I would have gotten him neutered, he would have had no more reason to fight. There are no other feral cats residing on my block because they knew it was Muffin's territory and he used to chase them off. I also read that cats with FIV can live several years without significant problems, so he may have had a few more good years in him. Muffin wasn't a typical feral. He hung out during the day time and while he wouldn't allow anyone to touch him, he allowed several people on my block to approach him and me and A. to sit beside him. Everyone on my block loved him. He co-habituated with raccoons, opossum, never hurt the birds, and had a live and let live attitude.

The vet should have told me that although there is a vaccination against FIV that I could have used for my other cats, that it's not a hundred percent effective. She shouldn't have said there isn't a vaccine. I blame myself because I made the decision to euthanize in haste. I was driving to work, two blocks away from arriving and clocking in when she called. She said he was heavily sedated because he was agitated and trying to bite them, and she didn't want to wake him up (for me to say goodbye) because she didn't want him to become agitated again. I didn't want to put him through that ordeal and thought it was best if he just passed while sedated. Perhaps it was the wrong decision. I could have stood my ground and called off work right then (which I ended up doing a half hour later) and gone back to the clinic and said goodbye. I could have held off making the decision altogether and discussed it with my neighbor, A. So many things I wish I could have done better--but I can't put the blame on the vet. The decisions were in my hands.

I hope Muffin is at peace now and not angry that trusting the two people he loved and whom he allowed to sit closely to him resulted in his dying. I am sure he would have wanted to fight on with life for a while, even though it involved struggle.

Thanks for all of your condolences. I hope I can find some peace about it someday.      

 

[muffy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a beautiful kitty and was so lucky to have found you. 

I also have a Muffin. She will be 18 next week and has KD. I don't know how much longer I will have her bur I;m dreading when the time comes.

Ellen

 

[msaimee]

I've been feeling Muffin's peaceful presence with me the past two days, as calm in the afterlife as he was on earth. 

I hope he will stay with me for a while.

Before he became very ill, he brought what I believe to be the last of his offspring to my block for me to care for.

A little 4-5 month old black and gray striped tabby who has been coming to my porch to eat the past week.

He looks very alone and frightened.

Over the past few years, Muffin had brought his offspring to my porch, and all of them were adopted by my neighbors and

I. They were neutered and socialized, and are loving, healthy indoor cats. I will trap this last one, and another neighbor will

take him into her spare room and socialize him through the foster program at the Humane Society, and they will find him

a suitable home--either in a home, or on a farm. I'm hoping to catch him during the next week or two.

I feel this is Muffin's last request for me.

And yes, I have some awesome neighbors.

My own father left before I was born. Having watched Muffin play with, provide for, and protect

his kittens over the years has deeply moved me and given me a new respect for the souls that animals

have.  Muffin was the one cat I couldn't trap because he was so trap savvy, and I carried guilt with me the past four

and a half years for not being able to neuter him, but everything works out for a reason.

This one was the exception to the rule.  

I keep holding and hugging and kissing his son Harry, who is so much like Muffin,

and I am so grateful that I have a piece of him to hold onto, and that Muffin was able to live his life fully, on his own terms, till the end.

All of that guilt was unnecessary. God knew how things were to turn out.     

 

[supermax1943]

reMsAimee,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and especially for how it happened.

Your sadness, grief and sense of loss of your soul cat is so evident in your posts.

I could barely read your last post about your dear soul cat and how he helped to heal some of your own loss with your father.

I believe with my whole heart that these feral cats are sent to us to help heal hurts that can't be healed any other way.

I want you to know that I do blame your vet. She did a terrible job for you and Muffin. You could tell by her response that she was one of the "why do people help these feral cats when there are sweet friendly ones that need adoption". And, in my experience, there are way to many Vets who have absolutely no idea how to handle feral cats and have no interest in learning.

If Muffin's vet had a heart for feral cats she would have given you all of the options that were available to her at the point she called you. First, she would have said, that of course, you could come and see Muffin while he was sedated. Being able to be with him even sedated and even if only for a few minutes would have given you closure. It would have eased your grieving process and given you a chance to give him a last hug or pet or sweet words to send him off on his flight to Cat Heaven.

Muffin, thank heaven, only knew going to sleep and waking to find himself in Cat Heaven where he will watch over you and wait until you can be with you again. I am also convinced (having lost so many over the years from my colony) that some of the loss we feel is the sadness and sense of loss these sweet souls are feeling about us as they settle into their new home in Cat Heaven.

As for Muffin "being aggressive and trying to bite" as told by the Vet is simply offensive to me. Muffin, an un-neutered male feral cat, had only his instincts to rely on in that sort of situation. And, why was he not given a small sedation shot while in the cage he arrived in, or transferred to a holding cage that allowed a sedation shot to be given before they handled him in any manner????????? 

As the TNR process takes hold around the world I hope that Veterinarian schools will start focusing on how to handle feral cats.

I have found an Emergency Hospital in my area staffed by young recent Vet grad students that are unbelievably wonderful with feral cats. They don't even bat an eye when told the cat is feral. They have all of the equipment needed to handle feral cats and the training to soothe their little-frightened minds.

Within the last six months, a feral from my colony went in to be neutered and an abscess was found on the inside of one of his legs. He needed the long-lasting antibiotic shot which the clinic didn't have, so I had to take him from the clinic to my regular vet to get the shot. Although he was partially sedated, he got away from them twice in their treatment area! So they had to chase him and corner him to catch him. By the time he came back out his little heart was pumping like crazy and his eyes looked like he had been on a trip to Mars. I was furious!! Eventually, I took one of my forks (used to secure a cat in a cage) to them so that wouldn't happen again.

And, shame on the Vet for not taking the time to explain the TRUE and whole situation with FIV so you could have had a chance to think it through. After some time to understand it all you might have still decided that was the best course for Muffin, but at least you wouldn't be in the place where you are now having learned about options for FIV. That leaves you in the terrible place of "what-if". Your vet should be up to date on FIV. Her first response should not be euthanasia. Her first response should be: here are YOUR options, what do you think is best for you and your cat?

And, finally, my sweet "Snowy" cat was just put down a few days ago (thread is in the feral cat section). She was the sweetest, kindest, shyest of my feral colony. The first time she had to go to the Vet after being spayed, I didn't even give my usual "feral" warning to the vet techs. I figured she would just be terrified to get any treatment at all, and since she had a little heart murmur, I just worried she might have heart attack while getting any treatment.

Usually, when I take one of the feral cats to the Vet I give ample WARNING about it being a feral cat even if the cat seems docile at the moment. But with Snowy, I didn't give any warning. She was taken to the back treatment room and a few minutes later the Vet technician came back with Snowy and her hand was bleeding because Snowy bit her!! I almost fell over I was so surprised. So, for any Vet to be surprised or label a feral cat as aggressive under circumstances like Muffin was going through is, in my opinion, incompetent and uninformed about a part of being a Veterinarian that should be second nature to her.

I am sending thoughts of healing and love to you and Muffin for what happened. I will be thinking about you throughout the day, and probably for the entire time I am mourning for my Snowy. I shared the same feeling with Snowy of her being my soul cat as you shared with Muffin. God bless you both, and may He send you peace in this sad time.

 

[msaimee]

Dear Supermax,

I'm so sorry for your recent loss. It's so helpful to have a place like this where we can all come together to share our stories, burdens and losses.

The clinic where I take my ferals is a 24/7 clinic that has allowed me, over the past 5 years, to show up at any hour or day or night with my feral or stray for testing, neuter/spay, and vaccinations. I call them when I trap the cat and tell them I'm going to be there in a half hour. (I would not be able to keep a cat in a trap all night long as some people do--I just couldn't do it.) They give me a discount and don't charge for boarding. During the past year, ownership and all of the staff have changed. It's a mixed bag. Most of the staff have been wonderful towards me. The doctor who examined Muffin wasn't the one with whom I spoke on the phone the night before, and I don't think she understood all of my circumstances. In all fairness, she did leave the decisions up to me, and said I could take the time I needed--and if I had said I was coming right over, they would have allowed me to have said goodbye. This particular vet, whom I do not know at all, did not have a great bedside manner. But the clinic itself is pro-feral. They didn't charge me for the emergency visit or any medical exam--they charged the bare minimum for anesthesia and euthanization. They made his body look beautiful and wrapped him so nicely in a blanket and when we arrived took it out to the car to give the body to my close friend so I didn't have to go back inside. Even though they are terribly short staffed right now and some of their policies have changed, I was told today on the phone that as soon as I trap Muffin's kitten, to bring it on over. The truth is that I should have called off work that morning, right after I caught Muffin, and stayed around the clinic.  I received the vet's call just when I had arrived at work, and felt rushed--but that's on me. I should have called off that morning. 

After a lot of thought and conversation with one of my neighbors who had once had an FIV positive cat, and who also loved and helped care with Muffin, I know I made the right decision. Muffin had been extremely tired the past few months and I'd just had him on a course of antibiotics. Then he had the oral infection the past week, which very rapidly progressed and became extreme. I've read that 50% of cats with FIV in the later stage get these oral infections and also anemia. Also, he tipped over twice last week onto his side. I understand now that he was near, if not at, the final stages of the illness. If they had operated on him, he would have been ill again soon, and I doubt I could have caught him again. He was in a lot of pain at the end, and despite the traumatic final six hours of his life, it was a better end than if he'd died of starvation and infection on my porch, which is what would have happened.

I've said goodbye to Muffin, and my priest has commended his soul to God. It took a day, but I do feel his peaceful presence around me. If I'd had the vet prolong his life so I could have driven to say goodbye, that would have benefitted only me. Muffin and I both knew he was dying the other day. My neighbors didn't think so, but he and I knew. The final gift I could give him was an easy passing--traumatic in the hours leading to it, but better than other ways he could have died.

I hope and pray I have the strength to trap this kitten and have it cared for so it is spared years of hardship. If he isn't able to be socialized enough to be adopted, there is a program where he will be taken to a farm.  I'm so tired and stressed about doing this again, but I have to find the strength to do it soon so I can have peace of mind.

Thanks for your concern and kindness. It means a lot. When you think of Snowy and Muffin comes to mind, think of them together, talking about what wonderful, loving humans they were blessed with during their difficult, yet joyful, lives on earth. 

 

[supermax1943]

Oh, I will think of them together. What a nice thought.

And I am so glad you are at peace now with the way things happened.

I hope my post didn't upset you as I ranted away.

Perhaps the post will help someone else who encounters the kind of vet that doesn't know what they are doing with a feral cat.

But, it certainly sounds as if the clinic you use is wonderfully kind, helpful and thoughtful. And bless them for making it so much easier for you managing Muffin's offspring. I am sorry for knocking them so vehemently without knowing how good they have been.

I totally understand your reluctance about trapping. I cannot stand the "overnight" in the cage before neutering/spaying either. I now transfer the cats out of the trap into a "holding cage" that has food water litter and a bed, and then transfer them back into the trap cage just before delivery to the clinic. Crazy! and a whole bunch of extra work, but it eases my mind that cannot stand to frighten these innocent little guys in any way. I also use "drop" traps now to make the whole experience easier on all of us.

I am sending more good thoughts your way and will think of Muffin and Snowy together in Cat Heaven. How nice to know such sweet newcomers arrived around the same time. Perhaps they will help each other through their transition to Cat Heaven. I hope so. I cry every day for Snowy and thinking she may have a new "buddy" helps.

 

[josbd]

I am a newbie, and I hope I am not butting in, but i would like to tell you that I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost one of mine last week after 15 years, and the resultant feeling is terrible. Muffin clearly loved and trusted you so very much. That is quite something for a feral cat to do, as you know. You did exactly the right thing by him, as you have done since you first saw him. It is so difficult when you are put on the spot, especially when you were expecting a completely different outcome. Muffin loved you and he knew you loved him. And he was a beautiful chap, too.

 

[boney girl dad]

He is so handsome. So sorry you had to make such a hard decision. Keep your thoughts on the wonderful relationship you shared. You did nothing wrong. Losing our loved ones is so unfair. It's okay to grieve. May peace find and fill you soon.

 

[msaimee]

Muffin's kitten is at the vet clinic awaiting tests and spay or neuter. I was able to trap it Monday night. I'm going to take it home with me, and if it proves too difficult a task right now for me to socialize, I have friends who will help me and one who will even foster it in her own home if need be. I'm praying it will be healthy. I'm grieving the loss of Muffin, but take comfort in knowing that all of the offspring Muffin has brought to me the past 3 years have homes, and will have a less difficult life than he had. I know this makes him happy.

 

[shadowsrescue]

 
Muffin's kitten is at the vet clinic awaiting tests and spay or neuter. I was able to trap it Monday night. I'm going to take it home with me, and if it proves too difficult a task right now for me to socialize, I have friends who will help me and one who will even foster it in her own home if need be. I'm praying it will be healthy. I'm grieving the loss of Muffin, but take comfort in knowing that all of the offspring Muffin has brought to me the past 3 years have homes, and will have a less difficult life than he had. I know this makes him happy.

How wonderful you were able to trap the kitten.  I hope that socialization will go smoothly.  You seem to have a knack for it!!  Sending major vibes the kitty is healthy.  Keep us updated.

 

[supermax1943]

I am so happy for you on getting the kitten!!

Congratulations, that must have been hard to do, but I bet Muffin was up there cheering you on!

I hope it will work out for you to keep the little one.

I am still worrying about my first reply to you.

It was wrong and unnecessary for me to jump on my soapbox when all you needed was sympathy and understanding.

I worry I may have caused you more heartache and I apologize for that.

But, I am so glad that you have been able to help one of Muffin's kids.

Sally

 

[msaimee]

No worries, Supermax. I can jump on my own soap boxes sometimes, too! I appreciate your support and passion.

The kitten is still at the vet clinic, and they haven't had time to do anything with it yet, which is causing me

tons of anxiety, worrying about how scared it must be in that cage. I'm also hoping I will have success

socializing it so it can live indoors with me because I can't take the stress of caring for another outdoor

feral cat, especially in the winter. It's right on the age borderline of being a real challenge to socialize.

I am driving the clinic nuts with my calling--I called for the fourth time in 48 hours time a half hour ago

and left a message. Don't they know that my feral cat is the most important animal

in their clinic and that I'm their most important client????

Please send healing vibes for the kitten and for me.   

 

[donutte]

I don't generally keep up with this forum, but saw this thread and just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for taking care of him when he needed it. I am SO angry to read what your vet did to you. That was cruel IMO.

Rest in peace, Sweet Muffin.

 

[supermax1943]

I didn't get to emails till late tonight.

Thinking of you and the little one.

Hope you are both back home and recovering from the awful "first time at the vet AND surgery day".

Sending good thoughts your way...