Lovey became aggressive with my DD last night.

[loveysmummy]

Hi all,
I think I know some answers to this question and I have tried solutions I know, but its more of a vent....sigh.
Lovey (my 3 year old former street cat/handed around from owner to owner big grey baby) did something strange last night...

My daughter is 12 and while, they have never gotten along, they attempt to just stay out of each other's way. Problem is it seems they both resent each other being there sometimes...

Now, my daughter is a cat lover and Rocky, my other cat, is really considered hers (but I am still his main caretaker). Rocky is a loveable goof though who loves up on his people. Its Lovey that simply does not like her and she who does not like him--because he doesn't like her I think. They remind me of jealous siblings alot of the time.

Lovey is just well...his own cat. He loves me and it took him months to get this close..but I am the one he sleeps on, snuggles with and goes to.
He is simply not a very nice cat to anyone else however (He will talk to BF and go up to him if I am not there though and does tolerate him).

Well, last night, I was doing dishes in the kitchen and Lovey and Rocky were simply milling about. My daughter goes to bend over and scoop up Rocky (Lovey is standing right beside Rocky) and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lovey jump up in an aggressive way as she stood up with Rocky in her arms and scratch her badly. He did this twice in a row in very quick succession while she was holding Rocky and got her on her arm and on her leg. He was doing an aggressive MEAOOOW--hard stare at her at the same time. She is tall and so he had a far way to go to be able to scratch her up high on her arm..I saw him in mid-air before I could get to him/her.

She started crying hard and I took Lovey and put him in the bathroom.
Then Lovey is crying in the bathroom, Daughter is crying in the bedroom and poor goofy Rocky not knowing what the heck is going on is standing outside of both doors (meanwhile scratching at the bathroom door to get to Lovey)...

I normally don't put him out of the way when this has happened but this was more aggressive than he has ever been. Usually, he will just sit and glare at her and take an airswipe as she walks by. Sometimes, he is kind to her and rubs up on her legs. I try and treat him for this and praise him when this is going on...He is just unpredictable.

He is behaved generally if I am in the same room as both of them. Now, I always have to be in the same room as both of them as I am worried as to what will happen.

Daughter is only at my house half the week and so this is an on again off again thing. I wonder if Lovey just "forgets" who she was from two days ago, doesn't think she lives there (he is the same with some guests at times) or what? Another thing: when she does come in, he usually goes and lays down on her school bag for a long time.. I thought this a strange behaviour.

Any insight? Sorry to ramble. I wasn't going to post this but the tension between them is awful...and BF and I had a fight about what a "bad cat" he is last night after this...He says I just let Lovey do whatever he wants and don't "discipline" him..I tried to explain my thoughts, but felt exhausted and too frustrated to do so..I feel like I am always making excuses for my big mean baby.

Any suggestions or thoughts welcome...sigh.

 

[blue_monday_88]

Hi Loveysmummy...first of all ,it sounds like you need a hug, so (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Secondly, I think it's interesting to see how the sibling rivalry pans out with Lovey and Rocky and your DD. However, I think the "sibling rivalry" if you want to call it that has more to do with your DD's attention to Rocky rather than Lovey. Sure, Lovey probably is needy and sees your DD as a "threat" b/c you probably lavish attention upon her too.

If you want to calm Lovey down and make the kitties happy...have you tried to use a Feliway diffuser or spray for calming pheromones? I have said on this web site that Feliway has saved my butt a number of times. I even wrote today about a breakthrough with my kitties -- two days in a row, they sleep on the same bed!! Now I'm not saying Feliway is 100% to do with that...but it has made things more pleasant than before, that's for certain.

I also suggest play time. Although, you sound like a seasoned cat owner, so this is probably second nature to you! But I would say that play therapy has helped my kits out tremendously. I have a toy that I hang up in the pantry (only place I can put it), and every time I open the door for something when I cook, the kitties are right there, waiting to play with their toy! It's pretty amazing. There might be a stress factor there for Lovey especially since it sounds like Rocky is pretty easy going. Lovey needs to have an outlet.

Otherwise, I think your DD and Lovey need to make "peace" with one another

They don't have to be best friends, but "coexist," like most mutli-cat households.

Good luck!

 

[loveysmummy]

Thanks Blue Monday..Yes, I needed a hug

Its interesting you mention Feliway as I have heard good things and recommended it to others here!! But always associated with cat on cat aggression rather than Cat on Daughter aggression

I should mention that Rocky and Lovey get along beautifully and play, snuggle, groom and sleep with each other..

Lovey is just a different on-edge cat when my daughter is around.
When its me and BF, he is a darling...primarily to me..
Some days are fine but others I simply feel like a school monitor at all times...And it doesn't help that BF gets on me that Lovey is "a spoiled child".

We do have a good amount of playtime and I have encouraged daughter to play with them with their toys. She does a fair amount but I can see that she tends to favour Rocky with the toys...

which is, I guess, understandable.

I will look into the Feliway and see if I can get it here at my supply store.

EDITED TO ADD: Would it be weird if I sprayed some Feliway on Daughter's clothing/school bag? It doesn't look to be harmful in any way..Just wondering if it would make her a nice friendly person to him?? Or am I totally off the wall?

Thanks again!

 

[cheeseface]

It's really sad that Lovey is acting up like that.

I hope you find a solution Cindy.

 

[blue_monday_88]

Originally Posted by Loveysmummy

Thanks Blue Monday..Yes, I needed a hug

Its interesting you mention Feliway as I have heard good things and recommended it to others here!! But always associated with cat on cat aggression rather than Cat on Daughter aggression

I should mention that Rocky and Lovey get along beautifully and play, snuggle, groom and sleep with each other..

Lovey is just a different on-edge cat when my daughter is around.
When its me and BF, he is a darling...primarily to me..
Some days are fine but others I simply feel like a school monitor at all times...And it doesn't help that BF gets on me that Lovey is "a spoiled child".

We do have a good amount of playtime and I have encouraged daughter to play with them with their toys. She does a fair amount but I can see that she tends to favour Rocky with the toys...

which is, I guess, understandable.

I will look into the Feliway and see if I can get it here at my supply store.

EDITED TO ADD: Would it be weird if I sprayed some Feliway on Daughter's clothing/school bag? It doesn't look to be harmful in any way..Just wondering if it would make her a nice friendly person to him?? Or am I totally off the wall?

Thanks again!

Well it's definitely a jealousy issue, with your DD of course. But Feliway should still work.

Basically, my understanding of feline pheromones is that it creates a "comfort zone." So kitties feel safer there. Cassie was a little edgy, scaredy cat before I got the feliway. She immediately became more mellow and more social (at least with my BF and I...she still beat the crap out of Napoleon LOL, and still hid when we had guests over).

So if you used Feliway spray on your DD's bags and bed (does Lovey lay on her bed at all?), she should calm down a bit. The Feliway definintely works for aggression issues, no doubt. But if you combined that with play therapy (have you DD play with her too...I know they don't "get along," but even once per week or with both kits together should work), you should have a peaceful coexistence with your DD and kitty.

 

[purr]

I don't know, but that's a terrible position to be in. I hope Feliway or whatever you try, works!

 

[beckiboo]

As I read your post, I think that Lovey is jealous of Rocky's attention to your dd. Not that he hates dd in any way, but wants Rocky to pay more attention to him (Lovey) than to dd. So when dd comes around, maybe it is stressful to Lovey. Rocky sleeps with the "bad kitty" (dd), and plays with her. And somehow Lovey manages to chase her off every few days, but then she just keeps coming back!

Any tomcat worth his salt would of course keep chasing her off! And if your dd is anything like my kids, I'll bet you scold her sometimes, too, so Lovey knows you act "aggressive" towards her also.

Lovey needs to get the message that dd is a permanent member of the family, whether she sleeps there all the time or not. I'm not sure how to convince him of that. Maybe when dd is there, she can feed the cats. And have special toys that only she gets to use, so Lovey can look forward to it. And Feliway on her backpack is a good idea. Maybe it smells like cats or pets from her other house? And Feliway in her bedroom, so Lovey knows it is a safe place for kitties.

DD needs to understand what Lovey is going through. Whether she "likes" him or not, she can participate in training him. And remind her the goal is not to become his best friend, just to let him know in kitty terms that she accepts him as part of the family, and get him to accept her.

When ds was about a year old, he would visit with his Dad. DS would cry when he was dropped off at my house, which made his Dad really happy. The dunce thought it meant ds loved his Dad more than he loved his Mom. I asked his Dad to start letting ds know when he was coming back to Mom's house. And to tell him that he would see his Dad again the next weekend. DS never cried when dropped off after that.

I think it is the same for Lovey. Your dd comes and goes with no real pattern, and he can't figure it out! Maybe come up with a signal for him. Open her bedroom door and say "DD is coming today!" Or get out the special toys and put them in the middle of her bed and tell him she is coming today. Then she can come up with a good-bye ritual to let him know she is going, but will be back. Maybe she can leave her worn pyjamas by her pillow, so if Lovey and Rocky want to sleep in her bed it's like she is still there.

I don't like mean aggressive animals any more than your bf does. But I truly don't think that is Lovey's problem. I think he just got the wrong idea about your dd at some point, and someone needs to help change his mind.

Best of luck, it must be very stressful for you right now!

 

[loveysmummy]

Thanks so much for the support and advice, guys...

Yes, Becky..I agree that its not that Lovey is just a mean old cat...He just doesn't understand the comings and going of this interloper...And Lovey likely does see me "scolding" DD and he sees his pal-cat getting lots of love and attention. I always think "you can have that too Lovey! If you would just chill out"

And yes, he sort of "loses" Rocky maybe when DD comes over..

I also thought that if Lovey sees DD as a threat, then he could perceive her as hurting Rocky and maybe he is protecting his clan. I don't know for sure..

I am happy to say that last night was a "GOOD" night...Hopefully Lovey sensed I needed a break..He was somewhat of his charming self, just watching her and even sitting by her peacefully for a time.. At one point, DD was laying on the couch and called out to me "umm. Mum? Lovey has been sitting here for a long time..What's up with that?". He was close to her, but not TOO close..So, it was peace at home last night. He even turns over on his back towards her at times but I know this can be a defensive position as well as a trusting your human one so I tell her not to go near him when he does this and just to walk on by (she used to go to pet him with unhappy result)

I am going to get some Feliway and attempt to prepare Lovey for her next visit (every two days, she stays at my house for two days). She does feed them sometimes but maybe we will make it a regular thing when she is there.

Thanks again..I feel better today

 

[lunasmom]

Wow! I don't envy you in that situation. Luna has her issues with my boyfriend, but she will tolerate him for the most part.

Anyhoo, does your daughter wear a particular scent (perfume, body spray) or use a certain smell of body wash? Some cats do not like certain scents...i.e. I've always been told vanilla is a big no-no to have as a scent. Or maybe whatever her scent is, it's something thats a negative reminder of the past. Have her try bathing in a butterscotch, mint or chocolate scent. LOL...maybe he'll start being lovey to her too!

Just a thought in addition to the Feliway.

 

[loveysmummy]

Thanks, Luna..((funny as Luna looks alot like Lovey...Maybe they are related

))

I don't think she wears a particular scent that I can think of anyway?

Maybe if I spray her with Feliway and catnip scent?

I have this mental image of Lovey and Rocky hanging off her everywhere she goes.

(not to mention a daughter who thinks I have completely lost it)..

 

[loveysmummy]

Wow...After phoning a zillion places, no one carries Feliway here.
A woman I talked to said that they aren't licensed to carry it Canada yet, only certain vets in Ontario have it...

I guess online is my only option...

 

[squirtle]

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

As I read your post, I think that Lovey is jealous of Rocky's attention to your dd. Not that he hates dd in any way, but wants Rocky to pay more attention to him (Lovey) than to dd. So when dd comes around, maybe it is stressful to Lovey. Rocky sleeps with the "bad kitty" (dd), and plays with her. And somehow Lovey manages to chase her off every few days, but then she just keeps coming back!

Any tomcat worth his salt would of course keep chasing her off! And if your dd is anything like my kids, I'll bet you scold her sometimes, too, so Lovey knows you act "aggressive" towards her also.

Lovey needs to get the message that dd is a permanent member of the family, whether she sleeps there all the time or not. I'm not sure how to convince him of that. Maybe when dd is there, she can feed the cats. And have special toys that only she gets to use, so Lovey can look forward to it. And Feliway on her backpack is a good idea. Maybe it smells like cats or pets from her other house? And Feliway in her bedroom, so Lovey knows it is a safe place for kitties.

DD needs to understand what Lovey is going through. Whether she "likes" him or not, she can participate in training him. And remind her the goal is not to become his best friend, just to let him know in kitty terms that she accepts him as part of the family, and get him to accept her.

When ds was about a year old, he would visit with his Dad. DS would cry when he was dropped off at my house, which made his Dad really happy. The dunce thought it meant ds loved his Dad more than he loved his Mom. I asked his Dad to start letting ds know when he was coming back to Mom's house. And to tell him that he would see his Dad again the next weekend. DS never cried when dropped off after that.

I think it is the same for Lovey. Your dd comes and goes with no real pattern, and he can't figure it out! Maybe come up with a signal for him. Open her bedroom door and say "DD is coming today!" Or get out the special toys and put them in the middle of her bed and tell him she is coming today. Then she can come up with a good-bye ritual to let him know she is going, but will be back. Maybe she can leave her worn pyjamas by her pillow, so if Lovey and Rocky want to sleep in her bed it's like she is still there.

I don't like mean aggressive animals any more than your bf does. But I truly don't think that is Lovey's problem. I think he just got the wrong idea about your dd at some point, and someone needs to help change his mind.

Best of luck, it must be very stressful for you right now!

Wow! I just wanted to say that I think this is very good advice

I can't add anything else except that Feliway really does work wonders and would be worth a try. If you haven't bought it before you need to know it is a bit expensive, but well worth the cost.

Good luck with the whole situation. I hope that eventually dd and Lovey are able to work this all out

 

[blue_monday_88]

Originally Posted by Loveysmummy

Wow...After phoning a zillion places, no one carries Feliway here.
A woman I talked to said that they aren't licensed to carry it Canada yet, only certain vets in Ontario have it...

I guess online is my only option...

It's cheaper on line too, usually. So not really a "bad" option

 

[blue_monday_88]

Oh and one more thing...it might called "Comfort Zone" outside of the U.S. You might want to check that out too...same thing.

 

[loveysmummy]

Thanks! I just did an Ebay search and you are right...Its called Comfort Zone or NIB Feliway?

The best one I found was about $45 CDN with shipping..
But is there a big difference between the spray or the diffuser? Should I try the spray first?

 

[blue_monday_88]

Originally Posted by Loveysmummy

Thanks! I just did an Ebay search and you are right...Its called Comfort Zone or NIB Feliway?

The best one I found was about $45 CDN with shipping..
But is there a big difference between the spray or the diffuser? Should I try the spray first?

The diffuser is great...I use both though. The spray comes in handy...like last night, for instance, the kits had a BIG FIGHT last night (at like 11:30 pm, after I had gone to bed, no doubt). I had to get up to play with them (Cassie gets really stressed when they fight), but I spritzed feliway in the corner they were fighting and in some common areas (like the bed, which I think where the fight originated from) and they played, they ate and they were fine. Of course *I* was wide awake, but hey, who cares about the human LOL.

But I use a combination of both. The diffuser I would choose over the spray though. Use the spray in moderation.

 

[squirtle]

I have only used the diffuser. If works in a 600 sq. ft. area (it could be 800, not 100% sure). It is constantly working so I would think it would be better than the spray, if your trying to chose one or the other. I only used it to help Dori adjust to our move, and more recently the new dog so the diffuser was best in those situations. With yours though, I think the spray would be handy to spritz on dd's backpack, shoes, etc.

 

[lilleah]

I have found Comfort zone at www.petguys.com

I got mine for 23.99 US dollars....

And at the ONLY pet store that carried it within a 25 miles radius, it was 45 US dollars...Big difference, I would definatly go with the Online route.

 

[beckiboo]

How are they getting along? Have you gotten the Feliway yet?