Longtime companion cats fighting

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The stress level thing is very real. Anyone who has ever been in that situation knows you can't just "stop being anxious", I'm sorry this is affecting you so badly. It doesn't sound like they are anywhere NEAR getting to that point where you'd have to re-home one, IMO.
On your own stress level. Can you feel yourself tensing when you see them looking at one another? Do you feel your body (mostly your shoulders and jawline) tense up? Do you find yourself holding your breath without realizing it, or leaning towards them without realizing it?

I really appreciate that - I think a big factor with the stress is that I don't have options to do a full-on introduction where one gets a saferoom and all that. So I've just been trying to make do with the space I have and I hope it is working.

I am definitely doing all of the things you noted while observing the cats. Even the vet gave me a very friendly little bit of advice of "stop watching them" and I completely understand how that might place them more on edge. So I've definitely been trying to let the staring happen and hopefully resolve itself.

It might be beneficial to uncover the boxes so no one can get cornered in one. Not sure about moving them, so long as there are multiple escape options.

Cats are a really involved pet - more than most people think. Their health and reactions can be so subtle that it takes a lot of energy and focus to care for them.

If you can take breaks outside the house, even just a walk. Managing your stress will help them too. You already know this of course, but it doesn't hurt to hear it again.

Yah I will say that this whole process has me so much more tuned into them than I ever have been before. Because they got along so well they've always been fairly easy to manage. But now that I've spent 2.5 weeks observing them closely (and reading endlessly about cat behavior) I feel like I know them on an entire other level.

One interesting thing I've realized is that I think the cats do better with each other at ground level in the kitchen/living room area. They do perfectly fine on perches and what not in my room (the bed, my desk, the chair, the various towers) but I think if they are both on the ground it's a little iffier. For example, I tried to feed them both in my room last night and while DM was happy to eat on the floor Bucket would only eat in the tower. But then this morning they were both hanging out in the kitchen together so I figured I'd try feeding them there and sure enough they were eating side by side. That's the other half of this: DM seems like she is closer to "normal" than Bucket. I think continuing with the kitchen feedings instead of trying to do my room is a good idea.

 

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Just an update: the did REALLY well yesterday. I generally let them hang out while I worked and I tried real hard to let any staring moments play out. As in I let them stare for a bit and only distracted if I felt it went on too long. Otherwise they generally lost interest in staring. Later in the day Bucket was playing with a toy on the ground and really getting into it. DM laid down near her in a non threatening way (to me as a human anyway) and tentatively sniffed Bucket's tail. Bucket hissed and walked away. I eventually fed them dinner and Bucket wasn't as willing to eat as close as earlier but would still eat nearby. I had plans in the evening so they remained separated until this morning.

I opened the bedroom door to exit into the living room and DM and Bucket were immediately face to face. DM did hiss but otherwise it wasn't super problematic (I think I have to get used to a little hissing now). Bucket ate closer to DM than dinner the previous night but not as close as the previous morning. DM shows zero hesitation. They were a little more suspicious/stare-y than yesterday but nothing outright hostile. Interesting note: neither of them finish their food and both generally graze until I clean off the plates. There has never been any food jealousy during this. They will see the other approaching and eating off a plate and show very little interest.

I created a chart to try and track the hostilities - a history of violence. I was going off of memory so the first week isn't quite accurate. Two of the "no chase" incidents in the first week (17th and 19th) weren't actually fights because I was there to break it up but they would have escalated otherwise. I marked off the times that they've been fully separated with no contact but in general those have been the overnights as well. Also the 29th should be no chase as well - they just ended up in the same hiding spot while stressed. If we get through today it will be the longest stretch with no fight. I've got another large cat tower on the way so there will be two equally high spots in the bedroom for them.

 

[RainBoots]

Been thinking about you and the kitkats, so glad to hear you have had some positive experiences again! I say cookies all round as a treat.

 

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Even though we've been able to avoid fighting chase incidents it feels kind of like things are getting worse. They will hang out in a large space together perfectly fine. There will be suspicious staring but otherwise at a distance they tend to be fine. Which is interesting because it's kind of the opposite of how things were earlier in this process. Now if they get closer together there tends to be a hiss - and it feels kind of territorial. On Friday Bucket was sitting outside of my room and when DM tried to walk through the doorway Bucket hissed at her. DM tends to be fine if she sees Bucket in the living room but if she sees her in my bedroom she gets more on edge.

Some feedings they will eat a few feet from each other and for others one (usually Bucket) will move away and not eat until I move the plate a bit.

I'm just not sure what positives to take away at this point. I know 3 weeks is so little time in terms of cats but I just get worried that I've been making things worse.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I don't see any of that as necessarily getting worse. It is just a shift in their responses, which I hope will continue over more time.

It seems like your bedroom has become 'ground zero' in terms of provocation. Was it in this room where they might have seen the weasel? Do you know if it is still coming around?

Is there a way to give them both towers or high places to hang out in your room at the same time, since it seems that is when they aren't as reactive. It almost seems as if you need to spend more time in your bedroom with both of them there and distract them if/when hissing occurs - with toys or placing them both in their own separate high places. The latter is kind of like letting them know they both have a place - with space between them - in your room.

 

[dmb216]

I don't see any of that as necessarily getting worse. It is just a shift in their responses, which I hope will continue over more time.

It seems like your bedroom has become 'ground zero' in terms of provocation. Was it in this room where they might have seen the weasel? Do you know if it is still coming around?

Is there a way to give them both towers or high places to hang out in your room at the same time, since it seems that is when they aren't as reactive. It almost seems as if you need to spend more time in your bedroom with both of them there and distract them if/when hissing occurs - with toys or placing them both in their own separate high places. The latter is kind of like letting them know they both have a place - with space between them - in your room.

I appreciate that you are always ready to talk me off of the ledge when I am in the moment and feel like things are hopeless.

Overall I think yesterday was a very solid day for them. I've been really trying to let the staring happen without distraction because it seems like they are resolving peacefully for the most part. My roommates had some company so I pulled both cats into my room and with only a little distracting they went back and forth between ignoring each other and staring briefly. There was a moment when Bucket was sitting in a hide away spot facing the window and DM went up onto the window sill. I think it startled Bucket and there was a TINY bit of yelling. When I looked up I noticed DM slapping but not super aggressively. She then ran off and I put her in the bathroom for a few mins. Then I let her out and things went back to OK. This morning was even better with no fear from Bucket when I put the food down for them. DM briefly considered joining Bucket at her plate (which is something she used to do) but Bucket hissed. DM went behind the couch for a few moments and then returned to eat off of her own plate. To be honest I feel like we are reaching a point where separation might be causing more issues that it is helping but I don't feel comfortable letting them interact while I sleep.

I think you are completely correct that I need more towers. There is one on the way (two actually - I want one for the living room as well) and I have plans to integrate the new tower with some of the taller shelving in my room to create something of an upper level "highway" around my room. If I do it right I think it would give a cat an exit from the room that is not on the floor.

I think it is a little unlikely that they spotted the Fisher from my room (I don't think it's been around since that last time I saw it). There is only one window facing the backyard and they don't usually use it at the same time. If I had to guess why my room is "ground zero" I'd say because when hostilities would have been at their peak it's where the only litter boxes were.

 

[FeebysOwner]

It sounds to me like things are progressing, even if a bit slower than you would like!

 

[dmb216]

Update time! Things are going well! It's been very slow but if progress is measured in how hyperfocused I am on the cats then things have definitely been improving. They have proven that I can generally not pay attention to them while they are hanging around and they are going to mostly ignore each other or otherwise do some basic staring (pics below). The only truly questionable moment or two has been similar to what I described on Monday: Bucket is hanging out in a little hiding spot (but not hiding fearfully) and DM is very interested in it. I'll need to let those moments play out eventually but when I've seen DM get curious I'll redirect her away - I don't want Bucket feeling cornered.

There was a moment last night where my heart was in my throat but it ended up being a great test. It was board game night and there was one guest that came over. His initial arrival sent DM under my roommates bed. This is fine - she can chill under there and come out when things get quieter. Except Bucket suddenly got interested and ALSO went under the bed. Both cats being in minor states of stress going under the bed had me CONVINCED I was going to hear a screaming match any second. I got down and could see them looking at each other - I gently touched Bucket on her side just to try and distract her. She hissed and then left. And the rest of the night went well.

I wanted to include a few pics of what has been happening like 75% of the time with these two now. They never used to do this but they essentially have staring matches that turn into a more relaxed posture. I will include some pics:






Is this kind of thing normal and peaceable? I'm guessing it is because they are showing their bellies a lot but it's definitely pretty new to them. Before this they spent almost zero time lying down looking at each other. They are also getting a lot more comfortable again with the general (normal) activity level of the house (people coming up and down steps, clanging around in the kitchen, etc). There is still a bit of a weird dynamic with my bedroom - nothing violent but I'll see Bucket on the floor and DM on a tower or the bed. If at any point DM jumps on the floor Bucket might get up and relocate to outside the bedroom. Otherwise DM might lie down and recreate the second photo above. Also there's 2 more full sized towers now.

Either way - can't complain about any of this. I'm so proud of their progress. Next steps are gonna be figuring out when I should feel comfortable letting them share space overnight.

 

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Figured I'd add another update but as you can imagine my less frequent posting is good news. They've been steadily improving day to day, there was a setback on Saturday that turned out to be not a huge deal (some door-to-door salespeople knocked on the door and both cats found a way under my bed...they were actually OK until some OTHER delivery driver dropped off a package later). It felt like some progress was knocked back a bit but they've rebounded nicely. I'm still not letting them share space at night but otherwise its generally all doors open and they can do whatever they want (if Im home). This morning when I let DM into the bedroom she and Bucket greeted each other at the door and immediately got into a loooong session of head licking. In general I'm less on edge when they are together as I become more convinced that things are peaceful. The last few nights I've even engaged in some hobbies I had set aside for a bit - including sim racing which has me wearing a VR headset and thus having A LOT of trust in the cats. Just an almost normal night I'm not ready to declare victory or anything at this point because there is still a way to go but every once in a while I find myself forgetting that this is happening.

This is a lovely community and yall are a big part of how I have stayed on an even keel during this ... hopefully it's more good news in the next few days/weeks.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Thanks for the good update!! It may be slow going, but it is getting better and better!!! Hope to hear more positive news soon!