- Joined
- Apr 26, 2020
- Messages
- 13
- Purraise
- 38
On Tuesday 28th April 2020 I made the heart wrenching decision to have my 10 year old girl put to sleep. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts into words because what they are doing to my head is killing me inside.
She had stopped eating gradually over a month, losing a lot of weight and was suffering with pancreatitis. We were working to treat it, when an ultrasound revealed she had an intestinal intussusception paired with an incredibly enlarged but not inflamed pancreas. The options were surgery to correct the intussusception, paired with a biopsy to test for highly probable Lymphoma, which would follow with chemotherapy and a prognosis of a few months to a year survival or euthanasia.
I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.
The surgery alone was quoted at £2-3k. Money we didn't really have. And I didnt really want to put her through it. She never did well in a cone (she couldnt use the litter tray with one on last time and became incredibly stressed an anxious every time she needed the toilet) and it would require a month of wearing it, plus a month of minimal movement and not being allowed to jump up on anything. We were told she would need the surgery the following day if we was to go through with it. Then there was the what ifs - if it was Lymphoma we was quoted as thousands for treatment by the vet. She would need to see a chemotherapy specialist which would be incredibly expensive. The prognosis was that she would live months, hopefully a year. Her quality of life wouldnt have necessarily been bad, but the frequency of pilling would have been an issue the vet said - as we always struggled to force pill her. The what if it wasn't cancer was never really mentioned. I believe the vet mentioned with her enlarged pancreas there would be lots of questions on her quality of life anyway due to complications arising from that but these conversations were not as coherent as they could have been - as I was beside myself for the most of them. I asked if we could have a day to think about the options and give her a night at home if we did decide euthanasia and was told that it wasnt in her best interest. We could have had her overnight at the most but it would have been better if we had done euthanasia or hospitalization that night. We decided on euthanasia from what the vet had said, thoughts about her quality of life and unfortunately a big factor was finances.
We had used up all our insurance hospitalising her for the pancreatitis, as the diagnosis took so long to come through that we tried countless ineffective treatments for Giardia, IBD, appetite stimulants, blood tests, fecal exams and check up after check up after check up. Racking up an eye watering vet bill. Most of the treatments turned out to be for ailments she never had. We had no insurance left when it mattered that could have gone towards the surgery. We could have maybe scraped together 2k if we tried, but did we want to put her through the surgery to discover it was cancer and we couldnt afford chemotherapy? Did we even want to put her through chemotherapy? What if it wasnt cancer? The vet was pretty sure it was cancer but that question is bouncing around my mind like an incessant little bug.
And she was still so full of life. She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot. She had a couple of accidents as she didnt like pooping in the litter tray anymore. I believe it's because she was in pain. But most days she was almost completely herself, still happy to play and watch the birds. She just didnt meow anymore. Not for food or attention. She was quieter and skinnier but not skin and bone. Previous cats I've had put to sleep the decision was an easy one - they were immobile, dying, old, and in a very bad way. Our girl didn't seem like any of these. And she was so young. I never imagined putting to sleep a 10 year old cat. Every checkup I brought her into they commented how alert and bright and overall in good health she seemed. Because of this - if it was cancer and we had pursued treatment - would she have lived for another two or three years in good health like so often you hear about? Dogs given three weeks to live carrying on for another year. Could she have surpassed all expectations?
Or would she have had a few months of complications, or even ineffective chemotherapy, and suffered? Would I then be cursing myself for pursing all the treatment in vain? Throwing thousands at her to keep her alive for my benefit? Or hers? I cant decide. But I didnt. I let her go and I dont know if it was the right one but she is gone now and I cannot undo that.
And I couldnt be there. It tears me up the most of all is that because of coronavirus she had to die alone, with strangers, in a cold veterinary office.
I'm so sorry my little lady. I'm so sorry if it was the wrong decision. I feel like I put a price on your life. I dont know if you were ready to go, and I miss you so much. I need to stop beating myself up about it but I cant help worrying I took your life in vain. I love you so much. I hope you are resting easy wherever you are.
She had stopped eating gradually over a month, losing a lot of weight and was suffering with pancreatitis. We were working to treat it, when an ultrasound revealed she had an intestinal intussusception paired with an incredibly enlarged but not inflamed pancreas. The options were surgery to correct the intussusception, paired with a biopsy to test for highly probable Lymphoma, which would follow with chemotherapy and a prognosis of a few months to a year survival or euthanasia.
I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.
The surgery alone was quoted at £2-3k. Money we didn't really have. And I didnt really want to put her through it. She never did well in a cone (she couldnt use the litter tray with one on last time and became incredibly stressed an anxious every time she needed the toilet) and it would require a month of wearing it, plus a month of minimal movement and not being allowed to jump up on anything. We were told she would need the surgery the following day if we was to go through with it. Then there was the what ifs - if it was Lymphoma we was quoted as thousands for treatment by the vet. She would need to see a chemotherapy specialist which would be incredibly expensive. The prognosis was that she would live months, hopefully a year. Her quality of life wouldnt have necessarily been bad, but the frequency of pilling would have been an issue the vet said - as we always struggled to force pill her. The what if it wasn't cancer was never really mentioned. I believe the vet mentioned with her enlarged pancreas there would be lots of questions on her quality of life anyway due to complications arising from that but these conversations were not as coherent as they could have been - as I was beside myself for the most of them. I asked if we could have a day to think about the options and give her a night at home if we did decide euthanasia and was told that it wasnt in her best interest. We could have had her overnight at the most but it would have been better if we had done euthanasia or hospitalization that night. We decided on euthanasia from what the vet had said, thoughts about her quality of life and unfortunately a big factor was finances.
We had used up all our insurance hospitalising her for the pancreatitis, as the diagnosis took so long to come through that we tried countless ineffective treatments for Giardia, IBD, appetite stimulants, blood tests, fecal exams and check up after check up after check up. Racking up an eye watering vet bill. Most of the treatments turned out to be for ailments she never had. We had no insurance left when it mattered that could have gone towards the surgery. We could have maybe scraped together 2k if we tried, but did we want to put her through the surgery to discover it was cancer and we couldnt afford chemotherapy? Did we even want to put her through chemotherapy? What if it wasnt cancer? The vet was pretty sure it was cancer but that question is bouncing around my mind like an incessant little bug.
And she was still so full of life. She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot. She had a couple of accidents as she didnt like pooping in the litter tray anymore. I believe it's because she was in pain. But most days she was almost completely herself, still happy to play and watch the birds. She just didnt meow anymore. Not for food or attention. She was quieter and skinnier but not skin and bone. Previous cats I've had put to sleep the decision was an easy one - they were immobile, dying, old, and in a very bad way. Our girl didn't seem like any of these. And she was so young. I never imagined putting to sleep a 10 year old cat. Every checkup I brought her into they commented how alert and bright and overall in good health she seemed. Because of this - if it was cancer and we had pursued treatment - would she have lived for another two or three years in good health like so often you hear about? Dogs given three weeks to live carrying on for another year. Could she have surpassed all expectations?
Or would she have had a few months of complications, or even ineffective chemotherapy, and suffered? Would I then be cursing myself for pursing all the treatment in vain? Throwing thousands at her to keep her alive for my benefit? Or hers? I cant decide. But I didnt. I let her go and I dont know if it was the right one but she is gone now and I cannot undo that.
And I couldnt be there. It tears me up the most of all is that because of coronavirus she had to die alone, with strangers, in a cold veterinary office.
I'm so sorry my little lady. I'm so sorry if it was the wrong decision. I feel like I put a price on your life. I dont know if you were ready to go, and I miss you so much. I need to stop beating myself up about it but I cant help worrying I took your life in vain. I love you so much. I hope you are resting easy wherever you are.