Kitty doesn't like being handled or picked up

[squiddz]

Hello everyone! I am new to this website, as well as new to being a cat mama. I adopted my kitty Luna at the end of May this year, she's a black domestic shorthair and was a year old when I got her. For the most part, Luna is a great cat. Very laid back, always uses her litter box, not very picky about food so it was easy to transition her from dry to wet, vocal and chirpy. Quite possibly a perfect cat for a first time owner. But I'm feeling a little down in the dumps when it comes to developing a bond with her. I've read plenty of stuff on the net, I take time to play with her, we have a feeding schedule. She's always super excited when I get home from work, and will often come and sit near me (which, as I've discovered, is a kitty way of saying "I trust you a lot"). Sometimes in the early hours of the morning, she'll even jump into my bed and curl up next to me. But she absolutely does not like being handled. Pets are fine, but if I pick her up, she meows like crazy. She's even scratched and hissed. Of course, I've told myself that I just need to respect her and not pick her up, and show her my affections in other ways, like coming and sitting near her (she likes that). But then, I'll just get over-zealous and impatient if she's being really cute and pick her up, and then she gets angry, and then I get frustrated and annoyed with myself, and end up just feeling like all my hard work from before has gone down the drain and I'm just making her like me less and less.

I'm trying not to feel like I'm entitled to her being overly cuddly and affectionate, because I know that I'm not owed anything from her. Maybe it would even be easier if someone would just tell me some cats never become lap cats. I just feel flustered because at the shelter they told me she was a super friendly lap cat. And she IS friendly!  She is not shy of strangers and definitely loves being stroked. I guess I'm just a frustrated newbie cat owner wondering if I'm making my cat hate me, or if she'll ever be at the point where she likes to be on my lap. I've even tried offering her treats in my lap and she won't come and take them. So... do any of you lovely people have experiences or advice you could share on how I can cultivate a good relationship with my kitty? Will she eventually like being held, or is it just a thing some cats don't like? I realise this is a weird and convoluted post, but I'm just looking for some guidance on how to be a better companion to Luna.

Oh, and here's a picture of her, because she's adorable and I love looking at her face

CpCS6zIVUAAHwiG.jpg large.jpg

• squiddz
• Aug 9, 2016

 

[catpack]

I will tell you...some cats just aren't lap cats and never will be. And that's ok! It's not a reflection on the owner, it's just the cat's individual personality and preference.

If a cuddly lap cat is something you really want, is getting a second cat an option for you?

I will tell you that sometimes a cat that wasn't a lap cat can convert after a period of time.

We have a cat in our rescue that was adopted out from us as a kitten. He someone got displaced from his owner and found his way back to our rescue thanks to a microchip. He was about 4 when he came back to use. He was very leery of being petted when we got him back (had been rough handled by animal control who deemed him feral...)

Slowly, it got to where I could pet his head, but anymore than that and you'd get bit or slapped. He progressed to lay next to you and would lay in your lap, so long as you didn't pet him.

Long story short...about 5 months ago (3.5 yrs later) and he's suddenly decided that he might want to be a lap cat. He laid in my lap for 45 minutes not long ago and wanted to be petted too!

So, it IS possible that she may turn into a lap cat BUT, it is also very possible that she won't.

 

[imjustacatmom]

@squiddz

Aloha and welcome to TCS...thank you for reaching out...you've come to the right place where everyone is really friendly and super knowledgeable [emoji]128522[/emoji] now on to Luna...my own personal experiences have varied...but my girl now her name is Duchess she was pretty much homeless when she found and adopted us...anyhoo it took me a very long time to build trust with her...at one point to early in our relationship I tried to bring her indoors...well I have a scar from that...anyways...I eventually brought her indoors in Jan 2014...we met in July 2013...so from there started the long process if her feeling like she could trust us...it took some time for me to be able to pick her up...then it took time for her to sleep on bed with us...then it took time for her to sit on couch with us...etc...I could go in and on...I will tell you each little milestone I've marked in my heart and memory...some cats take longer than others...she finally sat on my lap for the first time last summer and guess what she's only done it once or twice since then until recently...where for the last 10 days she's been sitting on my lap at length...for her its all about how she's feeling...my little girl is very smart and she is not your typical aloof kitty...but I need to emphasize this has been over a 3 year period...now she's always been by my side for the most part but it took time...my husband thinks her and I have the neatest relationship he's ever seen and we are both cat lovers who have always had cats...you just got her a few months ago...she may not feel secure yet...I encourage you to keep doing what your doing as far as sitting next to her loving on her when she asks etc...one thing I did and still do is pray over her...don't be afraid to talk to Luna either like a human...tell her you would love if she sat on your lap...tell her she's safe with you...she very well may need to hear you say that...cats understand way more than most people give them credit...I'm sure other folks on here will chime in with way better advice than what I just gave...but I wanted to share with you my personal experience hoping to encourage and help you...be blessed [emoji]128568[/emoji]

 

[imjustacatmom]

And yes she's adorable [emoji]128571[/emoji][emoji]128571[/emoji]

 

[squiddz]

Thank you both for sharing your stories! I think I was just worried that perhaps her not wanting to be held or in my lap was in someway a sign she didn't like me... but I can see now it's her disposition, and possibly just needs to feel more comfortable around me. I can work with that, I just want her to feel safe and happy around me, so if she'd rather we show our affections in other ways, I can do that! It makes me so happy to hear stories of cats going from very wary, to trusting their human companions. I will continue to try my best to show Luna how much I love her.

And I have already started the whole "talk to your cat" thing! Stressful day at work? I tell her all about it! Pets are good listeners

 

[imjustacatmom]

Hahahaha yes indeed they are great listeners [emoji]128515[/emoji][emoji]128518[/emoji][emoji]128515[/emoji][emoji]128518[/emoji][emoji]128514[/emoji][emoji]128514[/emoji][emoji]128514[/emoji][emoji]128517[/emoji][emoji]128517[/emoji] and seriously cats like people need to form relationships...so give it some time and I look forward to hearing a praise report (or should I say purraise report, not the same purraise that's on here lol) and if you can post some piks that would be fantabulous [emoji]128081[/emoji][emoji]128571[/emoji]

 

[tobilei]

I have had numerous cats. Some have loved laps, others not so much and others have changed over time.

Charlotte like laps when it was cold and only on her terms. She did sleep at the end of my bed and would only tolerate pats for a short amount of time before biting. She never changed.

Toby was my little man. He followed me everywhere and would yowl in horror if I dared go out to hang clothes or something and not allow him to come with me, or shut him out of the toilet or anywhere else I was. He slept at the end of my bed and would sit next to me on my bed or the lounge but he never sat in my lap. He would let me pat him for hours though.

Layla would snuggle next to me on the lounge or on someone's bed but never sat on laps.

Benji was happy with laps, floors, beds, necks. He slept like a fluffy scarf around my neck, half choking me most of the night and would wake me up by grooming my eyebrows. He was happy to be picked up whenever and whereever.

Jasper refuses to be picked up. He'll often growl if I try or tolerate it while putting a paw on my face and looking for escape the whole time, but only for seconds. He won't sit next to me and he doesn't allow me to pat him often. He will allow just 1 of my kids to pat him and he will purr for her, sleep on her bed, on her head, around her neck and lick her. No one else is allowed. Occasionally he'll come in and sit on me waiting for breakfast while I'm in bed but if I touch him he's out.

Tilly is a lap cat, but only when she wants to be and if the kids pick her up she will meow constantly and sometimes growl at them until they put her down (note they are not young kids, they're all teenagers). She sleeps at my husbands feet but likes smooches from me.

They're all different and as hard as it is, we just have to love them for who they are. I occasionally get frustrated with Jasper and make him cuddle me while telling him it's the least he can do for me (he's a nightmare of a cat, allergies, fussy with food, moody and has behavioural issues so hey, I deserve a little something back every now and then!)

Your baby is just beautiful. If they said she was a lap cat at the shelter she might just end up coming around. Give her time and in the meantime just love her the ways she wants

 

[siggymauw]

Congratulation Squiddz on adopting a kitty, Luna is gorgeous! 

I agree with the other members, she probably needs time that's all. One of my cats, Siggy, loves to cuddle in bed but will protest when you try to put her on your lap. She does however occassionally lie down on my boyfriend's lap for a cuddle but will never stay if we try to keep her there. Malou on the other hand was very shy when we got her. I was warned that she didn't like to be held and I have a scar to prove it! However after a week or two she turned out to be the most cuddly lap cat I ever had! I took small steps by picking her up only inches from the floor and carrying her like that from one room to the next, then a bit higher and higher and now when I pick her up she goes to lie like a baby in my arms...but she gets afraid if I hold her higher than my bosom. My boyfriend still can't pick her up for she leaps out of his arms immediately. 

Give her time to get used to you and you can enforce positive associations by feeding her her favorite treat off your lap or better yet, letting her come up to you with all paws on your lap as you feed her. 

Good luck and enjoy your baby and kudos for doing so much research!

 

[rubysmama]

Welcome to TCS @squiddz  and congrats on your kitty adoption. Luna is beautiful.

Like you I've always loving cuddling a cat in my arms and having them sleep on my lap.  When I adopted my Ruby 3 years ago, I got half of that.

Ruby is very friendly. And likes to sleep on my lap or beside me on the bed. But she absolutely hates being picked up or restrained in anyway.  If I pick her up she stiffens up her little body and kicks and squirms till I let her down. She also hates having her paws touched, so trimming her nails is a challenge.

One thing I do find is that Ruby is more apt to jump up in my lap or sleep in my bed in the cooler weather, so since you adopted Luna in May, temperature have likely been warm. Perhaps when chilly temps arrive Luna will appreciate a warm lap to sleep in.  And maybe try throwing a blanket over your lap. Ruby seems to prefer my lap when I have my throw over me. Guess it's warmer/softer than jeans.

Good luck. 

 

[squiddz]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me! I just wanted to update everyone that I've made a very big effort to be more patient and not pick her up anymore. I think she really appreciates this, as she seems to wanna hang out with me a lot more. She'll come and sit at my feet, and purrs really loudly when I pet her these last few days. In the early morning she'll come and jump on the bed and curl up with me, she even snuggled right against my chest a few days ago. She will show up if I'm upstairs for more than 5 minutes, just to be in the same room. Yesterday there was a big thunderstorm here, and she stuck really close to me and came right up to bed with me (usually she waits like 10 or so minutes before coming to bed). Maybe someday she'll enjoy being held or sitting on my lap, but for now I'm glad that she's starting to feel like I'm her friend and she can trust me!

Oh and here's another picture of her sitting by my feet being silly

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• squiddz
• Aug 14, 2016

 

[catlover73]

Hi and welcome to TCS.  Luna is adorable and you are doing a great job providing her a loving home.  I am glad to see you are starting to be more patient and not picking her up.  Luna loves you shows you affection in her own way. Luna wanting to be near you in the same room is a sign of love and affection. Luna cuddling in bed is a sign of affection too.  I have 4 cats myself ranging from 9 years old to two and half years old. I have 1 female and 3 males.  My cats can be lap cats when they decide they want too.  Casey will randomly climb in my lap and knead me while purring his head off and drooling on me.  He is very affectionate and loves lap time when he wants it.  If I try to pick him up to bring him to bed or put him in my lap he protests.  Apollo will climb in my lap once in a while but prefers to sit on the top of the couch to hang out with me.  If I pick him up he gets very squirmy and runs away as soon as I put him down.  Hubby can carry Apollo around.  Sonny will climb in our laps briefly for some cuddles after dinner otherwise he prefers to hang out in the same room with us. Sonny will fight both of us if we try to pick him up.  He has always hated it.   Starbuck my female will climb on my desk to cuddle and give me lovings.  She almost never climbs in my lap.  She will sometimes let me pick her up to bring her to bed.  Sometimes she will stay but there are times when she will run away after I put her down.  Starbuck prefers that I do not pick her up.  She is daddy's girl and he can pick her up and hold her like a baby.

Some cats just do not care for being picked up but they do have other ways of showing how much they love their humans.  Also cats can go through phases with being lap cats.  Apollo when I first adopted him wanted to be on me all the time.  Then for several months he went through a phase where he would just hang out near me and would only let me pet him once in a while.  He has gone back to being more affectionate.  He does not spend much time in my lap still.  He greets me at the door when I get home from work and sits on the couch next to me for pets.  He has now decided that he is more hubby' s cat. He will visit me in bed but sleeps on my hubby now almost every night.  

Also if it is summer and warm where you live that could be part of why she is not on your lap.   My cats definitely spend less time on my lap in the summer than they do in the winter.

 

[imjustacatmom]

@squiddz
so do you remember me telling you it will take patience and time...and how my girl only sat in my lap once until recently...well check this out...my girl did her first sleeping on mommy while mommy was sleeping. ..we've had her 3 years and this was a first!!! Below is a pik

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• imjustacatmom
• Aug 14, 2016

 

[imjustacatmom]

So my point was keep on doing what your doing...and let Luna be Luna and she'll make a turnaround [emoji]128518[/emoji][emoji]128518[/emoji][emoji]128518[/emoji]

 

[jqtiang]

Adorable cat you have!

Anyway, I've had my cat for 1 year. She's the type who doesn't like to be picked up as well. When I pick her up for cuddles, she will put her paw on my face to push it away. Haha. Or when I put my head close to hers, she'll move back and like offended. Hahaha.

But she's come a long way. When I first got her, she'll walk away when I start to pet her. Now I see she's enjoying being petted more? Though she'll still move away when she's had enough.

I'm still hoping one day she'll come over to my lap. But either ways, I've already accepted her way of affections. So enjoy your cat and hopefully one day you can handle the way you want! Even of that's not the case, I'm sure she's a joy to have.

 

[Geoffrey]

I was pleased to read all your posts as I too was disappointed that Sukie (see Avatar) refused to be a lap cat.   We, (my wife and I) adopted Sukie as an 8 week old kitten and she is now 18 months old; she will sleep with me, sits near me and rubs against me when I give her food, but she has never allowed me to pick her up without swearing at me ( I don't know where she learnt such bad language).

Don't be faint hearted, Polly, her mother, was dropped off at the vet's counter by her owner who walked away leaving her pregnant.  My daughter adopted her after delivery and she had very similar behaviour to Sukie for about 9 months, but now sits on my daughter's lap.  Sukie sat on my wife's lap three days ago for the first time and sat there voluntarily for at least 10 minutes, however I have not been so favoured yet. 

Give her time.

Geoffrey