It Has Been 3 Weeks Now....

[artiemom]

Yes, it has been 3 weeks now, since I said good-by to my love.... and it is Father's day also...

Not a good day.. started out ok.. but went downhill pretty fast, after I went to the cemetery...

The last 10 days have been rough for me.

I donated Artie's stairs to NVet's Secretary, because she has an elderly cat and an elderly dog...So, I had to go back to Angell. It was emotional.. very emotional.. I also found the last of the food; so I donated that also..

Went in to see the kitties, at the MSPCA adoption area... drawn to a grey and white kitten.. but he was isolated.. lots of Artie's qualities..

I made a decision, earlier in the week, to go back to volunteering with the Rescue.. it is now more of a rescue than a Humane Society. I need kitties in my life... Still no word on when they will be starting the re-pointing of the building.. dam.. my rent increase notice is almost late... dam...

I went in Thursday night to re-orient myself to the shelter, at PetSmart.. They had 5 cats... one kitten... strange, that this was another grey and white kitten.. with Artie's personality...
So much reminded me of him.. but what an imp... he was talking to me.. putting his paw out to grab attention.. then when he came out, he was a wild man...
Only thing: he is having poop issues... OMG.... He is only 10 months old.. and has diarrhea, with the worst smelling poop I have ever smelt..

His stool specimen came back negative, but I think it is a false negative.. I feel he needs to be wormed with something strong...

Anyway...
Saturday, I spent over 2 hours with the kitties.. Wild Man, aka Aries, was such a character...
Of course I let him out, repeatedly.. we played, We talked back and forth, he trilled, he gave me the 'love' blink, he climbed on top of everything.. At one point, I was reading his chart, he jumped on my lap, batting the chart... another time, I was sitting down, with my phone-- he wanted attention, so he laid down on my lap, and swatted at my phone... another time I was just sitting there.. he jumped on my lap, started purring and kneading...

Aries is wild.. a ton of Artie's characteristics.. I can see this is how Artie was when he was a kitten... There is so much interest in this kitten.. so many people have filled out applications for him. We will not adopt out, until we are certain about his bowels...... and I have absolutely NO DESIRE to have another cat with bowel issues... no matter how much I fall in love with them..
And it is too soon for me... I still have Artie's fur clinging to my couch, not wanting to vacuum it up... I keep seeing a piece of fur, pick it up, my stomach sinks, and I say: "Artie Fur"....and save it in an empty medicine bottle.

Aries will be the type of kitten who would climb up my drapes, knock over my 46 inch flat screen TV, tip over and brake lamps..and everything not secured...

anyway..

Today is a tuff day for me.. I was tearing up a bit, earlier... I miss both my dad and Artie...

I still need to wash the inside windows... I still have Artie smoosh on them... I cannot bring myself to remove all traces of him, from my life... I miss him....

Still second guessing myself, at times: Should I have done one more enema, increased his miralax, his lactulose, gone back to the Fancy Feast????? should I have tried home enemas???
Did I make the end come too soon for him??? Should I have waited another week?? or a few more days??? did I make him suffer???

He was so happy when he ate his favorite food, that last day: FF Salmon... I have pictures.. He did not look sick, then, but I keep forgetting how much he was hiding.. how much he could not have a bowel movement.. how miserable he was...

I just miss him.. I miss him on my lap, cuddling with me, talking to me... loving me..,,, just his presence...His greeting me at the door, when I come home... even his 'happy' times on my lap...

I kind of wish he was sicker that last day... he was hiding.. but he did gobble down his can of salmon... and did not look sick... but he kept hiding from me... and did not want to be held, or even go outside on the balcony.. he was withdrawing...

I honestly wish I could clone him... miss Artie so much...

I was not feeling this guilt when my dad died.. I had the grief, I had the bouts of terribly missing him.. the tears, the crying jags... but not what I feel now... or did I forget that part of it... time has a way of making us forget the bad; and remembering the good...I had no regrets about how my dad and I got along, no regrets about his medical care, no regrets about how we treated each other, or what I did for him... no regrets..

When my mom died, things were really different. She had always been sick, with one major medical disease and then another....I tried to get additional care for her, but she refused... I was a lot younger.. but a lot more emotional issues.. and my dad was so upset... that is when I had to take charge of things...and lots of regrets ........

With Artie... I feel so horrible...and he is not even human... He is my baby... my love.. my guy....

Sorry this is so morbid, and dramatic..
Today is a bad day for me...
Thank you for listening to me...

Anyway, I have to end this on some kind of positive note:

Things happen for a reason.. None of us, ever know what that reason is.. it may take years to discover..

Artie was sent to me for a reason... at a time in my life, when we both needed each other.. Artie taught me to love, openly, feely... and fully... He taught me what love was-- between an animal and a human... unconditional love...

Now that he is not physically here; there means to be a change in my life.. What that change will be, I do not know... I pray it will be a change for the good... but... loving Artie was an excellent learning experience for me... He was with me for a ton of badness... and was my one constant in my life... what happens now??? I do not know... but I have to have faith that something good, just HAS to come out of this... and out of Artie's love....

 

[Margret]

Did I make the end come too soon for him??? Should I have waited another week?? or a few more days??? did I make him suffer???

In order: No. No. No. No.

There is no such thing as "the perfect time." We can't judge it down to the second. You put your whole heart and soul into caring for Artie, for as long as Artie wanted to keep on living, and when things finally got too bad for him to continue you gave him one last feast and helped him to leave peacefully, which was a great personal sacrifice.

I just miss him.. I miss him on my lap, cuddling with me, talking to me... loving me..,,, just his presence...His greeting me at the door, when I come home... even his 'happy' times on my lap...

I know. We all know.

I honestly wish I could clone him... miss Artie so much...

I've felt that, as well, about Sweet Thing, but it wouldn't work. Cloning only gives you the genes, not the same person. A clone is an identical twin, but with a totally different personal history, even more so than most true identical twins. It's Artie you want, not his twin, and unfortunately there's no way to get him. I wish there were.

I was not feeling this guilt when my dad died.. I had the grief, I had the bouts of terribly missing him.. the tears, the crying jags... but not what I feel now... or did I forget that part of it...

Your father was an adult human. He was making his own choices; you didn't have to choose for him the way you did for Artie.

There's much less opportunity for guilt to gain hold in the death of a competent parent with whom you were on good terms; it's unlikely that you've forgotten. This is why the death of a pet can hit us so much harder than the death of a parent, even though we loved the parent more - we're the "responsible" parties for our pets. Euthanizing them feels a lot like killing a beloved child. It isn't; but it does feel like it.

When my mom died, things were really different. She had always been sick, with one major medical disease and then another....I tried to get additional care for her, but she refused... I was a lot younger.. but a lot more emotional issues.. and my dad was so upset... that is when I had to take charge of things...and lots of regrets ........

Ah, yes. And when the parent isn't competent, there are more ways to second guess yourself, just as there are with a pet. I'm just glad you weren't faced with helping her with assisted suicide.

Your mother's illnesses were no more your fault than your father's final illness, or Artie's. Nor were they her fault. Please remember that you are not God, and you are only responsible for the things you can actually control, which is a heck of a lot less than we would like.

With Artie... I feel so horrible...and he is not even human... He is my baby... my love.. my guy....

Again, we know. As for not "even" being human, who says humanity is such a wonderful species? It isn't cats who are destroying the ozone layer.

Artie was a wonderful purrson. He helped you to deal with your father's death; he took care of you when you were sick and grieving; he was loving, and funny, and adorable, and many, many people grieve his loss with you.



Rest in peace, Sir Artie. Enjoy the Rainbow Bridge. We'll take care of your Cindy for you.

Margret

 

[neely]

I still need to wash the inside windows... I still have Artie smoosh on them... I cannot bring myself to remove all traces of him, from my life... I miss him....

I hate to admit it but I still haven't washed the inside of my patio door from when our dog passed away. I don't even notice the smudges from his nose anymore so I can understand how you feel. I think traces of Artie are perfectly okay. There are no rules, no right or wrong, when it comes to memories of our animals. I keep mementos from all my pets, cat and dog.

I think it's great that you want to volunteer for a rescue but give yourself permission to grieve and don't feel pressured to bring home a new furry friend until you are ready. Everyone is different and you know yourself best.

We all second guess ourselves and reflect on what we could have done but rest assured you did more than most and NVet agreed with your decision. It took me a long time to recognize I did what was best for our last cat and would not have wanted her to suffer one more day. You were Artie's guardian angel and he could not have had a more devoted and loving angel.

I have to have faith that something good, just HAS to come out of this... and out of Artie's love....

Trust me, it will and in time you will know what it is but for now you have Artie's faithful army by your side to surround you with love and comfort.