Introduction Anxiety/"Should I have adopted this second cat?"

[merbunne]

Hi all! I've been away from the site for quite sometime (other than silent lurking) and have come back with a bit of a big concern on my end.

My cat Bowie and I have been the best of friends for the last two years. I've had my ups and downs with him (who hasn't, especially as a new cat owner!) but that cat has meant the absolute world to me and I know he loves me the same in return. He has brought so much joy and peace to my life and I cannot imagine it without him.

Recently I started to research the possibility of adopting a second cat. I truly love animals and there were a couple reasons I thought it would be a good idea, not the least of which is that Bowie is a pretty friendly and affectionate cat and has done well sharing space with other cats in the past. This of course was when he was still a bit small himself, but he has never hissed or shown any major aggression with other animals, nor people, since. He's just very nice!

Some other reasons include elements of my personal situation: I have family that lives far away and when I go home to visit I try to spend about 2 weeks with them. That's a bit of a long time to just have someone check in on Bowie and otherwise leave him alone -- to remedy this he's gone on the plane with me a few times and done well, but I realized a companion could be really beneficial for him to not have to do this. I also work (from home for the forseeable future) but anticipate I will have to return to my in-office life in maybe the next six months or so. Bowie, despite being 2.5 years, is also still very playful and will usually entertain himself, but if I get out a special toy it's like he's a kitten again. I had thought a second cat could help keep him young at heart and enjoy playtime when I am unable to play with him myself. All good things, right?

Enter second cat. He's about 6 months estimated by the shelter I got him from though I suspect he might be a little older just because he is so, so mellow and behaves much like an older cat would. Friendly, affectionate, and a siamese mix just like Bowie. Despite the bit of age difference I had thought this would be a good match.

So far, not so. It's been a few days and I have kept the new cat (who I still haven't been able to name yet) away from Bowie in my office. I live in a two bedroom with a lot of space so this cat has all of his amenities in here and seems to be fine with it so far. Bowie, on the other hand, is pretty stressed, which in turn makes me overwhelmingly stressed. They ended up seeing each other once in the first day (I trusted my instincts/what my foster let me know about this new cat) and decided to let it play out. Nothing overtly bad happened, but my once sweet and affectionate Bowie was growling, tail fluffed, and hissed. The new cat was a bit frightened but not wanting to run or hide, just sort of tucking into me. I separated them and have not since let them physically interact
again.

Following this I've tried to backtrack: to mix their scents, all of the recommended introduction tactics both on this site and through folks like Jackson Galaxy, etc. So far I am taking it slow, as suggested, and trying to do right by both cats despite my own impatience. Bowie so far is not a fan and has already peed outside of his box to show me so. Additionally, he has been a little more vocal with me, which is usually his tell-tale "hey mom I'm not loving this!" sign. In general though he is responding okay to scent mixing -- he'll check out the new cat's smell and won't hiss/growl/etc. I did at one point pick him up recently after I had interacted with the new cat about 10 minutes prior and he growled in my arms likely at the scent I had on me. Not a great feeling.

What is hurting me the most however is the anxiety I feel about this new cat. I think it's natural to feel regret/"adopters remorse" -- I regretted Bowie at first because it was a big change! -- but I don't know why I hadn't expected to feel similarly about the new cat. I was just so excited to add a new family member and thought this would be a great fit for everyone. I live alone and both Bowie and I love our schedules, though, so I already don't like how radically altered I've had to make things for this new cat. It's not his fault and he is a wonderful cat, I just feel a bit stupid that change is hurting me so much.

I also don't know why I hadn't anticipated how much Bowie's potential rejection would hurt me. Above all, he's my number one. I know I could grow to love this new cat, but I knew a part of me would not be able to live with myself if Bowie never "came around" on this new cat. That works for some households but I just don't see it working for me or my cat in a way that I would feel comfortable with. The idea that this also could take months and he may never actually be okay with things really breaks my heart. The shelter I got new kitty from has a 2 week trial period where if, for any reason, you need to return your cat, you will be able to do so. I don't want to rely on this because it's unfair to the little guy, but I do think this new cat would easily find another home if I couldn't keep him. I can't stress enough how mellow, calm, and affectionate he is; uses his litter box, scratches appropriately, everything. He is an as close as you could get to "perfect" cat. Not to mention beautiful, not that that should matter but I know that he's such a looker he wouldn't be missing out for long.

Anyway, I just needed to vent and wondered if anybody had gone through similar feelings/a similar experience before. I am still torn on whether or not I am going to keep this cat but I feel so awful thinking about returning him. I feel awful about actually keeping him, too, which I know is just a cyclical effect and hurts all of us involved. The people close to me in my life keep telling me to just give it a little more time but I am so consumed with anxiety it's hard to see the light past the dark.

Thank you!

 

[ArtNJ]

Its only been a few days! Your expectations of it working instantly were unrealistic. Given Bowie's young age, there is an excellent chance this is going to work out really well, but it will just take some time. My current cats are good friends with zero problems, and there was several days of hissing by the older cat towards the kitten after the introduction. Thats normal. And its normal for the resident cat to be stressed, not want to play, accept pets, etc.

You can adjust based on how its going, but your already getting signals its not going to be blazing fast, so plan on a two-three week process. Don't get hung up on the feeding on opposite sides of the gate thing, that is the part of Jackson Galaxy's guide that really throws people. If its not working, just move the bowls further away to start. Or skip the step; our guide doesn't even include that. How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – TheCatSite Articles You've done a "take the temperature" face-to-face -- don't do that again until things seem to be going well at the visual access step -- i.e., when you truly think you might be done.

You feel how you feel, but just understand that you didn't make a mistake -- its not a guarranty but most 2 1/2 year old cats will ultimately end up friendly with a kitten. Its normal for it to be a process though.

 

[Cozzy]

I can relate to how you feel about your new cat. My resident boy Zeke was my world and I really struggled when I adopted Aurora to develop a bond with her, despite her being a loving wonderful cat, because of how much Zeke struggled at first and had those same thoughts of regret. But I persevered and 3 months later and things have settled down and I love and care for them both the same, and couldnt imagine my life without either of them. Theres still stressful times but they generally get on and we've all adpated to our odd little family.

 

[vince]

You didn't say if Bowie and the new cat are neutered. If they aren't, introductions might be a bit more difficult (although not necessarily impossible).

A hiss and/or a growl is perfectly normal at the first face to face meeting. Nothing to worry about that. My cats are all bonded and they hissed at one another at their first meeting. And, they all bonded extremely quickly--in only a few days.

Hissing even occurs between bonded cats. My Sir Eats-A-Lot is a grumpy Gus and hisses at his companions for just getting up or changing position and waking him when they're sleeping in a pile. Doesn't mean anything, really.

 

[merbunne]

You didn't say if Bowie and the new cat are neutered. If they aren't, introductions might be a bit more difficult (although not necessarily impossible).

A hiss and/or a growl is perfectly normal at the first face to face meeting. Nothing to worry about that. My cats are all bonded and they hissed at one another at their first meeting. And, they all bonded extremely quickly--in only a few days.

Hissing even occurs between bonded cats. My Sir Eats-A-Lot is a grumpy Gus and hisses at his companions for just getting up or changing position and waking him when they're sleeping in a pile. Doesn't mean anything, really.

Oh, sorry! You're right -- both boys are fixed. In the long run I hope that helps a lot because it seems like it would.

 

[merbunne]

I can relate to how you feel about your new cat. My resident boy Zeke was my world and I really struggled when I adopted Aurora to develop a bond with her, despite her being a loving wonderful cat, because of how much Zeke struggled at first and had those same thoughts of regret. But I persevered and 3 months later and things have settled down and I love and care for them both the same, and couldnt imagine my life without either of them. Theres still stressful times but they generally get on and we've all adpated to our odd little family.

This is my hope! I just know that when or if Bowie gets on board he'll be much happier to have a friend...

 

[merbunne]

Its only been a few days! Your expectations of it working instantly were unrealistic. Given Bowie's young age, there is an excellent chance this is going to work out really well, but it will just take some time. My current cats are good friends with zero problems, and there was several days of hissing by the older cat towards the kitten after the introduction. Thats normal. And its normal for the resident cat to be stressed, not want to play, accept pets, etc.

You can adjust based on how its going, but your already getting signals its not going to be blazing fast, so plan on a two-three week process. Don't get hung up on the feeding on opposite sides of the gate thing, that is the part of Jackson Galaxy's guide that really throws people. If its not working, just move the bowls further away to start. Or skip the step; our guide doesn't even include that. How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – TheCatSite Articles You've done a "take the temperature" face-to-face -- don't do that again until things seem to be going well at the visual access step -- i.e., when you truly think you might be done.

You feel how you feel, but just understand that you didn't make a mistake -- its not a guarranty but most 2 1/2 year old cats will ultimately end up friendly with a kitten. Its normal for it to be a process though.

Thank you for all of this! I've seen your advice in a couple similar threads so I appreciate all of the insight.

An update: Bowie has from last night/this morning been much more curious about the closed door. No hissing or growling, but a bit of vocalization to me every now and then, sniffing underneath the door, etc. If I go in there to visit with the new kitty he 9 times out of 10 will be waiting for me when I open the door. This morning I tried putting his food near the other side of the door after getting our new cat situated on the other side with his kitten food, and with a bit of a hesitation he's been eating/drinking there today. (He doesn't free feed persay -- his food is always done by the time morning comes and he knows when breakfast is, he just slowly eats throughout the day. Seems new cat is the same way with his dry food at least). He's made several trips over there without trouble. So far so good?

I also got one of those temporary mesh dividers from Amazon for the door when we're ready to do a proper visual introduction.

 

[ArtNJ]

Yes, that sounds good. I still think you should plan on at least two weeks given that Bowie initially seemed really stressed and peed outside his box, but it does sound like its going much better now, and Bowie is still young enough to hopefully be adaptible. Of course, you'll have to see how the mesh divider goes and can adjust from there.

 

[TardisDance]

I’m feeling the same way. I adopted a second cat a week ago. The introductions are going well, but I’m having a difficult time because this cat is much more social and in your face than my resident cat Sango. Sango hid for months so getting to know her was like molasses slow. Most people would love a social cat and he’s a great boy, but I keep comparing him to Sango. I’m super attached to her because I had to socialize her for months and she’s my velcro cat now, always on my lap. I have to keep reminding myself that I regretted Sango at first too and nearly brought her back to the shelter cause I feared that she would be afraid of me and my husband forever.

I’ll also add that the new cat is a nipper too when pet too much, so I’m nervous touching him. I’m trying to not be, but it’s difficult to be positive. Sango can be pet for hours at a time on my lap so it’s hard to not naturally want to when he tries to go on me.