In Loving Memory Of Ashton

[PMousse]

Two Thursdays ago, I lost my precious Ashton. It began as a most ordinary Thursday. I came home after work. As usual I put her in her harness and leash and let her enjoy the balcony--she LOVED to bathe under the sun there. And as usual I secured her leash so she couldn't get too close to the edges and I kept an eye on her while doing my own thing. I left the screen door open a little bit for when she was done. After awhile she walked in but was restrained by the leash. So I took it off and went to the kitchen to get her a treat, which she uncharacteristically didn't want. I turned to put away the treats and just...forgot about the screen door...Only a few minutes had passed when I suddenly realized the screen door was still open and Ashton was nowhere to be found. I rushed downstairs and Ashton was lying on the pavement...so helplessly...and a lady told me she saw her being run over by a car. I rushed her to my vet nearby while hoping and praying that she'd be okay. But it was too late; she was already gone...she wasn't barely 1.5 years old...

I couldn't believe how suddenly it happened. One moment she was sitting there licking her fur, the next moment, she was gone. It all happened too soon, too sudden, and too traumatic...The first week was really hard. I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying. I was wrecked with guilt...if I had closed the screen door immediately after she walked back in, or if I never allowed her to go to the balcony at all (but she loved watching the outside world...). I had been very careful ever since I first led her out to the balcony, and after monitoring her behaviour over time, I began to relax but still always made sure that she had a harness on and a secured leash...HOW could I forget about closing the screen door...and WHY would this happen in the one time that she didn't have her harness and leash on?!

Sorry I'm rambling...sometimes I'm still angry at myself or at the driver or at the neighbourhood I live in--it is not a kind place for cats.

The first week after it happened, I couldn't go home, so I stayed with family and friends. And from this forum, some incredibly kind souls also reached out to me to lend a word and ear. I am extremely grateful for this online community. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now--able to sit here and write about the ordeal--without your support. Grieving is a process and I don't know how long it'll take me, but writing helps. And I want to share Ashton's stories through this post in the hopes that it'll help me remember all the good memories instead of those last horrible moments.

I choose to believe that Ashton is in heaven. It comforts me (however little) to think that she is in full health (she was born with a congenital condition with deformed ribs), that she has green grass to run on and lots of sunshine and animal friends, and none of the danger this earth has, and maybe her real parents are there, too. She's living a far better life than I could ever give her.

Oh but I miss her so much...

"...But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand..."

 

[dustydiamond1]

Two Thursdays ago, I lost my precious Ashton. It began as a most ordinary Thursday. I came home after work. As usual I put her in her harness and leash and let her enjoy the balcony--she LOVED to bathe under the sun there. And as usual I secured her leash so she couldn't get too close to the edges and I kept an eye on her while doing my own thing. I left the screen door open a little bit for when she was done. After awhile she walked in but was restrained by the leash. So I took it off and went to the kitchen to get her a treat, which she uncharacteristically didn't want. I turned to put away the treats and just...forgot about the screen door...Only a few minutes had passed when I suddenly realized the screen door was still open and Ashton was nowhere to be found. I rushed downstairs and Ashton was lying on the pavement...so helplessly...and a lady told me she saw her being run over by a car. I rushed her to my vet nearby while hoping and praying that she'd be okay. But it was too late; she was already gone...she wasn't barely 1.5 years old...

I couldn't believe how suddenly it happened. One moment she was sitting there licking her fur, the next moment, she was gone. It all happened too soon, too sudden, and too traumatic...The first week was really hard. I couldn't eat or sleep or stop crying. I was wrecked with guilt...if I had closed the screen door immediately after she walked back in, or if I never allowed her to go to the balcony at all (but she loved watching the outside world...). I had been very careful ever since I first led her out to the balcony, and after monitoring her behaviour over time, I began to relax but still always made sure that she had a harness on and a secured leash...HOW could I forget about closing the screen door...and WHY would this happen in the one time that she didn't have her harness and leash on?!

Sorry I'm rambling...sometimes I'm still angry at myself or at the driver or at the neighbourhood I live in--it is not a kind place for cats.

The first week after it happened, I couldn't go home, so I stayed with family and friends. And from this forum, some incredibly kind souls also reached out to me to lend a word and ear. I am extremely grateful for this online community. I couldn't have gotten to where I am now--able to sit here and write about the ordeal--without your support. Grieving is a process and I don't know how long it'll take me, but writing helps. And I want to share Ashton's stories through this post in the hopes that it'll help me remember all the good memories instead of those last horrible moments.

I choose to believe that Ashton is in heaven. It comforts me (however little) to think that she is in full health (she was born with a congenital condition with deformed ribs), that she has green grass to run on and lots of sunshine and animal friends, and none of the danger this earth has, and maybe her real parents are there, too. She's living a far better life than I could ever give her.

Oh but I miss her so much...

"...But should you call it back much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand..."

View attachment 249713

Hindsight is always 20/20. I know it will be very hard not to, but Ashton does not want you to tear yourself up inside blaming yourself.

 

[Lari]

I'm so sorry! My heart is hurting for you.

Rest in peace, sweet Ashton. You're very loved.

 

[catsknowme]

Condolences on losing beautiful calico Ashton. I admire your strength in writing such a moving post. I agree with you that Ashton is in Heaven now, with those who have gone before us & those yet to live.

 

[di and bob]

There are no words on this earth that can comfort at a time like this. I am oh so aware of this because I, too, have stood in your shoes. Don't let the guilt and the grief blind you to the fact that you would do NOTHING in this world to intentionally bring harm to that beautiful little girl. Guilt implies intention, and there was none here. You did everything right, you had her on a leash, all you wanted to do was give her some sun and air, to bring her happiness. It was a tragic accident, that like me I'm sure, you would give ANYTHING to bring back and change. But it happened, and there is nothing you can do now to change it, no matter how much you want it. I wish I could tell you you'll get better in time, and you will, but the hurt will always be there, and will return like a tsunami to drown you in sorrow and pain. But there is one fact you can hold on to, one fact I know in my heart and soul to be true....your little girl would never want you to be so sad because of her. Why? Because she loves you every bit as much as you love her. And love is wanting only happiness and joy in the future of those we love. Please try to imagine how you would want the world to be for her if you were the first to go. You would never want that world to be so full of endless tears and sorrow. You would want her to go on and find happiness and joy once more in living, and she wants no less for you.
Love is spiritual, so eternal. The bond you have with that precious little one can never be taken from you. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and your love will be forever.
i wish I could take your pain away, I don't want anyone to go through what you are going through. I know it too well. Take one day at a time, time is the only thing that helps to soften the sharp edges of grief. I found that going to my local shelter and making a donation in your little girl's name helps to make you feel better about yourself. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest several times a year to help them get a chance of love. And please consider letting a new love into your heart and your home, the distraction from your pain is welcome, you are saving a new little life, and like a mother with many children, love will come and fill your heart once more. Never the same, because that can never be, but each one precious and unique. Pass on that legacy of love that little girl left for you. Try to send her thoughts of happiness, she needs this right now. Just as much as you do.....take care...... RIP sweet Ashton. you will be forever missed, you will be held securely in a loving heart forever more. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

... Don't let the guilt and the grief blind you to the fact that you would do NOTHING in this world to intentionally bring harm to that beautiful little girl. Guilt implies intention, and there was none here. You did everything right, you had her on a leash, all you wanted to do was give her some sun and air, to bring her happiness. It was a tragic accident, that like me I'm sure, you would give ANYTHING to bring back and change. But it happened, and there is nothing you can do now to change it, no matter how much you want it. I wish I could tell you you'll get better in time, and you will, but the hurt will always be there, and will return like a tsunami to drown you in sorrow and pain. ...

PMousse , I agree with di and bob so much here!

It's not fair for me to speak for everyone, but I think all of us could see from your messages and posts here at TCS how much you cared for and loved Ashton. All of us torture ourselves with our own grief, anger and regret when we lose someone precious, though not all of us have been through the traumatic thing that you have been through. I call it the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" heartache, it never seems to stop, and it's all mixed up in that tsunami di and bob describes.

Ashton loved the sun, and the balcony, and you carefully and lovingly wanted to always help her to be enriched, to grow and to have fun with life. You cared for her immensely. She loved being out there in the sun and air! The patterns you too had for the balcony visits in the sun became trusted and comfortable, familiar and happy, and she enjoyed them. She was full of life and happiness because of YOU. She was a beautiful soul because of YOU.

I know you want to blame yourself for forgetting about the screen door --the woulda, coulda, shoulda cycle-- but I honestly do not think that screen door was the pivotal point.

I am not going to believe that. I am going to see the pivotal point as being a bug or bird. I am going to see her sitting there, licking her fur, happy and loved and safe, her beloved human mom nearby -- then suddenly (as we will never know), the fastest and bestest, brightest and most exciting bug spectacularly flew around her shoulders from the open screen door, caught her eye and heart, and flew out past the balcony. Being the huntress that she is, her final moments of happiness involved the fun of chasing an unexpected bug. It's hard to contain a huntress, even if a leash, collar and screen door are in the way. If my cat Milly has seen a fly in the hallways where I've walked her for two years each day, I cannot contain her. She bounds away to go hunting for the bug, and I have to let go of the leash for a minute or else her neck gets choked by the collar. Felines in their moment of excitement are hard to contain. Things change in a split second.

I might want to hate that car, that driver, maybe the neighborhood for not being cat-friendly. For a while, I am going to hate that bug I see her chasing in my mind's eye because you lost her. But don't you dare blame yourself. She lived a wonderful life and it was because you were in it with her.

 

[les26]

I am so so sorry to read this, how awful that something so bad happened so quickly, but it was an accident, but I have no reasons to give why it happened it just did, a freak thing, just like when someone is driving a car and a tree limb falls and kills them at that exact moment, just a freak thing and of course you will feel guilty and beat yourself up over it for a long time, but you will eventually come to terms with it and let it go, she doesn't blame you for it and she IS in Heaven and just fine now and you will see her again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so so sorry, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, Lord Bless you......

 

[Bella's Mommy]

I'm am very sorry for your loss of Ashton she was a very pretty calico cat she is maybe running around in kitty heaven right now chasing birds and playing and just know that she is watching over you

 

[artiemom]

I am so truly sorry about this.

Yes, there are absolutely no words to say, to take your hurt away..

It was an accident.. a horrible accident.. who would have known. I used to take Artie out on the balcony, without a leash because he hated it. I was there with him, but I was always a bit scared. I can understand you horror...

Again, no words can be comforting.. It is a hurt.. a deep, deep soul piercing hurt.. it takes so long not to hurt and to remember the funny times.. not to tear up when you mention your little ones name..

It is a process we have to go through.. it is life, and it is the burden of loving.. loving with our entire heart..

Right now, Ashton is in Heaven. She is with my Angel Artie.. playing.. lying in the sun.. that is what I want to think...

((Hugs)) and love.....

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Ashton, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your mama's heart forever.

Oh, darlin, there is no blame here. Blame a bug, or a bird, but not you. It is so apparent in every word you have ever written about Ashton that her happiness was the center of your being.

Love does not die, you know. It only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides, and Ashton is with you always. Her only sorrow is your grief and guilt. Love abides.

 

[PMousse]

Thank you, everyone. Your words give me strength.

Today's post is about love; it's about how Ashton chose me as her human...

I had just started fostering cats for the local shelter after seeing a greater need for cat foster parents. I had always thought that I'd adopt dogs, but I guess God had other plans. Ashton was the second cat I fostered; she was on an email list with many other kittens in need of foster homes, but when I replied, nobody had asked for her yet, so I decided to take her. When I picked her up, I saw this little pink nose at the cutout hole of the carrier. When I touched it, it retreated but an arm stuck out instead. It was hilarious.


To correct her congenital condition, she wore a cone of shame and a splint on her chest and had to be crated 24/7. The little rascal was bored and would climb up the dog crate to try to pull down the towel I put on top of it (photo evidence included!). I felt so bad for her that every day after coming home I'd head straight for the crate and sit next to it. She was so happy for human contact that she'd jump into my lap even before the gate was completely opened and purr loudly in my lap for a long time. That was I how fell in love with her. By the time she was ready for adoption, I couldn't let her go. I still remember the moment I signed the adoption papers; I was almost shaking as I was so nervous (of having taking on this commitment) and so excited (I have a cat!!!) at the same time.

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

PMousse, I just loved reading this post.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so sorry about Ashton. RIP sweet girl. And know you could not have been more loved.

 

[LisaT.]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Such a tragic accident. Ashton was such a little doll!! RIP Sweetheart.
PMousse, take care, you will be with her again one day.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Some days I believe in fate more than others, but...if Ashton was meant to only walk on this earth for a short time, then she could not have found a more caring, loving, attentive person to walk with her had she special ordered one. I am so very glad that you walked this walk together, and that she was so cherished.

 

[PMousse]

I haven't been sleeping well. Once you're used to a routine, it's hard having to adjust again...so today's post is about my sleeping routine with Ashton.

During the first month Ashton came home with me, I didn't allow her in the bedroom at night due to me being a light sleeper. But I eventually caved, not because she insisted, but because I really wanted to snuggle with her. The first night, she was so excited at this newfound power and proceeded to walk all over me and then lay down on my face, blocking my nostrils...

Over time, we each found the most comfortable position for ourselves while accommodating the other one. For her, it was right beside me with her hip pushing against mine. And for me, instead of laying on my side, I lay on my back but slightly curling towards her for I loved to stroke her gently. Then my hand would settle on her back, feeling the vibrations of her purring and the rise and fall of her belly. She would purr for a while, then breathe in deeply and let out this big contended sigh and immediately fall asleep. I wanted to move but didn't want to disturb her, so with one hand on her back, I'd fall asleep, too.

Every morning around 6-6:30 was her "I really NEED a face massage" time. She'd forcibly push her head into my hand so I could give her a proper, thorough massage, from cheek scratches to head massages to behind-the-ear scratches. She'd walk all over me, settle into a nice comfortable position, receive the massage, and repeat all over again. I didn't mind being woken up like this at all and willingly obliged. When she was satisfied, she'd settle down beside me and fall asleep again, all the way until my alarm clock started ringing.

On days when I wanted some extra zzz time, she never disturbed me. Instead she'd sit in her favourite chair and watch me sleep...until I got up. She never meowed for food. If I was really late getting up, she'd just jump back into bed and walk up and down on me until I got up.

I miss you, Ashton.

 

[artiemom]

What a lovely, loving way to fall asleep each night and to wake up to, in the morning...

I can well understand why you are not sleeping. It is so obvious...

Ashton is still there, sleeping with you.. she will not leave your side.. try to remember that, at night.. perhaps you can get to sleep a bit easier.

Ashton-- a sweet, loving, little girl... she loved you so much, and you returned the love.. she knew nothing but love..

It takes a long time, to get through this.. I am still going through it...

It took me a long while before I could get semi-comfortable in bed; without, Artie's back being against my legs-- I sleep on my side... and I still miss him.. it takes time...

 

[dustydiamond1]

I haven't been sleeping well. Once you're used to a routine, it's hard having to adjust again...so today's post is about my sleeping routine with Ashton.

During the first month Ashton came home with me, I didn't allow her in the bedroom at night due to me being a light sleeper. But I eventually caved, not because she insisted, but because I really wanted to snuggle with her. The first night, she was so excited at this newfound power and proceeded to walk all over me and then lay down on my face, blocking my nostrils...

Over time, we each found the most comfortable position for ourselves while accommodating the other one. For her, it was right beside me with her hip pushing against mine. And for me, instead of laying on my side, I lay on my back but slightly curling towards her for I loved to stroke her gently. Then my hand would settle on her back, feeling the vibrations of her purring and the rise and fall of her belly. She would purr for a while, then breathe in deeply and let out this big contended sigh and immediately fall asleep. I wanted to move but didn't want to disturb her, so with one hand on her back, I'd fall asleep, too.

Every morning around 6-6:30 was her "I really NEED a face massage" time. She'd forcibly push her head into my hand so I could give her a proper, thorough massage, from cheek scratches to head massages to behind-the-ear scratches. She'd walk all over me, settle into a nice comfortable position, receive the massage, and repeat all over again. I didn't mind being woken up like this at all and willingly obliged. When she was satisfied, she'd settle down beside me and fall asleep again, all the way until my alarm clock started ringing.

On days when I wanted some extra zzz time, she never disturbed me. Instead she'd sit in her favourite chair and watch me sleep...until I got up. She never meowed for food. If I was really late getting up, she'd just jump back into bed and walk up and down on me until I got up.

I miss you, Ashton.
View attachment 250523

 

[dustydiamond1]

Some days I believe in fate more than others, but...if Ashton was meant to only walk on this earth for a short time, then she could not have found a more caring, loving, attentive person to walk with her had she special ordered one. I am so very glad that you walked this walk together, and that she was so cherished.

 

[dustydiamond1]

What a lovely, loving way to fall asleep each night and to wake up to, in the morning...

I can well understand why you are not sleeping. It is so obvious...

Ashton is still there, sleeping with you.. she will not leave your side.. try to remember that, at night.. perhaps you can get to sleep a bit easier.

Ashton-- a sweet, loving, little girl... she loved you so much, and you returned the love.. she knew nothing but love..

It takes a long time, to get through this.. I am still going through it...

It took me a long while before I could get semi-comfortable in bed; without, Artie's back being against my legs-- I sleep on my side... and I still miss him.. it takes time...