In A Few Weeks It Will Be 6 Months And I'm Still Guilt-ridden

[catmom1977]

I lost my boy, my angel. He was 17 1/2 and he had a disc herniation. I thought he was too old for surgery and I wasn't told about crate confinement until he had gotten really bad and it was probably no longer an option. He just got worse and worse until he was in pain, not responsive to meds, barely able to walk and not wanting to eat. He was miserable and I put him to sleep. He was my best friend.

Yesterday I took my other cat to the vet. She is 14 and I've been told as of last spring that her IBD has most likely turned into lymphoma and she has about 18 months (that was 10 months ago). There was a sign there that showed the success of IVDD surgical treatment and I just sat there staring at this chart showing on what I should have done. Yes, they were probably for dogs, probably for pets that were younger, but I just sat there knowing I should have done the surgery and tried to save my boy. I thought it was a selfish thing to do to a 17-year-old cat (the oldest they had ever done was much younger), that I'd be doing it for myself and not for him. But I see now that that was probably his best chance - and I didn't give it to him. He just got worse. Maybe I could have had him for a couple of more years. I just could think straight when I was in middle of it all. I failed him. It would be nice to believe in Rainbow Bridge and all of that and I want to believe I'll see him again but I just know he's gone and I took his chance to live a longer life away.

 

[wealthy1]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I understand C catmom1977 I lost my Tiger about 6 months ago as well. And like you I couldnt think straight in the middle of it nor did I have anyone to help me think it through. I was alone. Also, i was thinking this week if I wouldve gave her a chance to fight what the outcome would be.

I also realize that we share a love for our fur babies that is timeless. Moving forward, not backwards, is the best way to honor our fur babies. Every negative thought, I replace with a positive fun thought.

For example, when I get a flash of the doctor injecting her with that poison. I replace it with a thought of her waiting for me at the door, or playing with some random toy, or sleeping in my bed. I continue to think of loving memories until the negative one goes away.

 

[les26]

You were in a very tough situation and you did what you thought was best at the time, plus there was no guarantee that the surgery would have helped your kitty, and don't forget the older they are the tougher it is on them and there is a chance they won't recover from the anesthesia or survive the operation, please don't beat yourself up and blame yourself, it was a tough spot to be in and you did what you thought was right, he is free of his painful Earthly body and just fine now, waiting to see you many years from now at the Bridge.

I was talking to my wife Deb yesterday about how I try to help people on here who are grieving because of the loss of their kitties, and I said "they are 100% reliant on us, we are totally responsible for them and when something happens that we can't control or make them better we feel like we have failed them", but we haven't; we can only do the best with what we have at the time, and realize that their lifespan is much shorter than ours, and unfortunately when the time comes for them to move on they must, although it is truly devastating to us, but the grief and sadness does ease but it takes time, a long time.

You did nothing wrong, and your kitty knows that as we all do here too...I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[di and bob]

I agree with the above, you can never change the past, no matter how much we would like to, and it brings nothing but pain and heartbreak to go over all those should haves, could haves. Don't let your mind go there, distract yourself in any way possible to not dwell on something that cannot be changed. Concentrate instead on your little girl. The problems she is having most likely stirred up all your thoughts of your boy, and you are distracting yourself from the problems ahead. You are the most important thing in both of their lives. You give them love and care, and somehow found the strength you needed to to end the suffering. You didn't take away a chance at a longer life, you helped to stop unending suffering and pain, and having to go through more. At 17 1/2 he was very elderly indeed, most likely equal to 90 years old in human life, and I can tell you from being a nurse in a nursing home, most never recover fully from the anesthesia and surgery. Quality of life HAS to be held over quantity. My own 17 year old is a good example. He has declined in health since his abscess surgery a few months ago, I truly wish I had never done it. It affects their organs and brains differently from a younger cat's, they are much more frail than we think to have to endure something like this. We will all die sooner or later of something. I pray that we and our loved ones all die in our sleep of old age at home. But in real life that rarely happens. So we have to make sure the end of life is one that is as pain free as possible, surrounded by those we love. You gave your boy one final act of selfless love, and he loves you all the more for it. Try not to feel guilt or doubt about something that cannot be changed. Celebrate instead, about loving him and sharing your life's journey for a while. He brought much into that life and needs for you to find happiness once more so he can rest in peace. He would want that for someone he loves so much, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. The 'essence' of him will always surround and follow you, it is spiritual and ties your souls together for eternity. You will be blessed for the love and care you give to these innocents. I'll pray that you find peace in your heart, the road to recovery from grief is a rough one and takes a long time. It does get better, you learn to live with it. I still grieve 5 years later but time helps to soften the edges.
Give your little girl a kiss from me, she needs you, I'll keep her in my thoughts and prayers also. Take care, and know there are many who are here for you, we are all bound together by our love for these precious little souls and the pain the comes when they leave us.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, you Grand Old Man, dream you deep. You were, and are, SO loved!

Try very hard to not second guess your decision. I agree with di and bob . 17.5 is a very old age for a cat, and they just don't bounce back from surgery well at all. You may or may not have given him a few more months or a year or two, but at what cost to him in yet more pain? No, you acted with utter love for him, and without considering your own pain of losing him, and what more can any creature ask or require of another?

 

[Hazelnutlove]

Catmom,
We understand the "guilt" you're describing. But in times when we get a death sentence from a vet, our options are very few.

One of my greatest loves, Tweak, a beautiful seal point Siamese, was diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma. He had just turned 9! I was so angry at how young he was and the sh*tty hand he'd been dealt, but I very sadly made the decision then and there to end it before he lost his quality of life. Did I jump the gun?

What I always tell myself and others is you have to put yourself totally aside and think strictly for the animal. If you give them treatment, then they feel sick and vomit, don't eat, etc, plus the car rides to and from the dr that is so stressful for them, is it really worth it? I'm not blaming or shaming anyone for getting treatment, please don't take it that way. Me personally, when the best prognosis is a matter of months, I'd rather end it too soon than too late while they still have dignity and a quality of life.

I've seen personally where one's waited "too long" and the end is unbearable to watch.

Either way, as others have said, you can't undo what's been done, your kitties all felt your love and lived wonderful lives thanks to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's easy to sit and think of just the end of their story, but focus on all the other chapters of their lives that were so happy.

Hope this brought some comfort to you. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

[catmom1977]

I lost my boy, my angel. He was 17 1/2 and he had a disc herniation. I thought he was too old for surgery and I wasn't told about crate confinement until he had gotten really bad and it was probably no longer an option. He just got worse and worse until he was in pain, not responsive to meds, barely able to walk and not wanting to eat. He was miserable and I put him to sleep. He was my best friend.

Yesterday I took my other cat to the vet. She is 14 and I've been told as of last spring that her IBD has most likely turned into lymphoma and she has about 18 months (that was 10 months ago). There was a sign there that showed the success of IVDD surgical treatment and I just sat there staring at this chart showing on what I should have done. Yes, they were probably for dogs, probably for pets that were younger, but I just sat there knowing I should have done the surgery and tried to save my boy. I thought it was a selfish thing to do to a 17-year-old cat (the oldest they had ever done was much younger), that I'd be doing it for myself and not for him. But I see now that that was probably his best chance - and I didn't give it to him. He just got worse. Maybe I could have had him for a couple of more years. I just could think straight when I was in middle of it all. I failed him. It would be nice to believe in Rainbow Bridge and all of that and I want to believe I'll see him again but I just know he's gone and I took his chance to live a longer life away.

 

[solomonar]

The longer the cats live, the highest the chance to pass bad genes to the offspring. Nevertheless, I remember my grandfather saying that cats live "around 4-5 years" - which was understandable for that time, taking into account everybody fed them leftovers... and very limited vet assistance.

Now, we talk about 10-20 years of life. That means a lot for just one human generation (from my point of view).

Vets cant do miracles. They are just professionals doing their best. At an old age, not even humans cant be guaranteed significant chances of success in cases of difficult procedures. To add that we just do not know as much about the cat procedures as we do for humans.

Of course, one can take the risk and gain. But equally, one can take the risk and loose. We cant predict the future.

Starting our rationale by "what if ..." leads nowhere. Aging is unavoidable. If aging comes with illness or without, that is not for us to decide.

The cats you cared are now on a fluffy cloud, choosing another door on Earth to meow at.

Take care of your warm heart and my tears for rainbow cats!

 

[Kitty Mommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. Guilt is a common reaction. We always think we should have or could have done something better. I think you did what was best at the time. You didn't fail your boy. You did what you thought was best. Please forgive yourself. As hard as it is to make this decision, sometimes a longer life is not a better life.

 

[fornana]

I'm so sorry Catmom1977 for your lost.
It's hard to lose them. It's never an easy situation. We try to do our best and that's all we can do....Frankly, none of us know what we are doing in this life. We're all just passing through trying our best.

You sound like you were good to him. You loved him. Most cats never get the chance to have someone love them. Most aren't remembered. Most cats don't ever get that old. Some cats spend the majority of their lives abused. Some suffer a horrible existence. Many die young on the streets everyday. I can cry thinking about all that pain. But you were good to him. He had a purpose in your life. He was your little buddy, and well he got old and it was time to say goodbye.

If I couldn't move or eat and felt pain all the time I would probably want to die to be honest. There's comfort in death. There's peace. There's no more pain. You showed him sympathy and you help grant him serenity.

Medicine is great and all, but you have to look at the quality of life too. It's always a tough decision, and there are so many what-ifs. Trust me I know....But I believe everyone has a time, and the time will come. We could only accept it.

As cheesy as it sounds, remember all the good times. Cherish the love you had for him. Remember him.