I'm upset. He is now biting me

[firehawk]

Zoom, my almost 1 year old cat (male) started to bite me today. He is fixed.

Back story...

I only see him 2 or 3 times a month for a couple of days at a time.
Lives with cat momma (the SO)
He follows her everywhere, let's her pet him, snuggles with her etc...

When it's me...he squirms away. Barely let's me pet him.
Today he decided to bite me when my hand gets close to him even if he is just laying there relaxing.

Indoor cat. No other pets.

Eats fine. Drinks fine. Prefers watching out the windows lately due to birds.

I've always been upset he doesn't come to me and squirms away when I'm petting him but today, he decides to start biting me.

And I had to leave to go back to my other home. So it's doubly upsetting.

I don't know what to do or even why. I'm upset.

 

[ArtNJ]

Different people are often not at the same stage with a cat. Even if they are in the house full time, one spouse will be able to pick up a cat, and another wont. Your issue is that your acting as though you are at the same stage and going for contact the cat doesnt want with you. To progress, you need to act consistently with the stage YOU are at with the cat and ignore the stage the cat is with someone else. Ok, TBH since your only there a few days a month, its possible you'll never progress, but your best chance is to be patient, and do only what the cat likes and will allow. You can also try giving treats and playing with toys.

Thinnk of it like courting a human of your preferred gender. Would you get touchy with them if it was poorly received? No, you'd do what they are receptive too and bring gifts. You know that, but its HARD when you see someone else snuggling the cat.

 

[firehawk]

Thanks A ArtNJ
I understand. He takes treats from me no problem. But now it's gone to biting from squirming. Doesn't make me happy at all. Squirming was hard enough for me.

 

[ArtNJ]

The biting could be one of two things. Either biting to tell you to stop trying to pet him (lets call this "message biting") OR cats can randomly decide one human and not another is for play biting. So your first step is to decide which it is.

 

[firehawk]

For sure not play biting

 

[ArtNJ]

So then its all related. You just need to be patient with the cat. I know that sucks. And, well, given that your only there a couple days a month, patience may not work. But its not uncommon for cats to get more accepting of non-caretaker humans as they age, provided there are friendly humans in the house enough. You'll get credit for other visiting humans in that regard. I know you dont want to be considered just another visiting human . . . but it is what it is.

 

[firehawk]

Yeah. SO made a bad choice. I would have liked an emotional support pet and I love cats. Never had a pet before but do reasonably know the basics and keep learning.

Double whammy for me. Oh well.

 

[Cleocatra7]

Why do you say your SO made a bad choice? You are saying that she picked a bad kitten or made the wrong choice when she picked out the kitten?

 

[firehawk]

In the sense of... Knowing I'm there a small number of times a month and it was for "me" primarily.

 

[egofailure]

A ArtNJ , you killed it in this thread. I mean, is there anything else to say?

Not really, but I'll try anyway, haha.

F firehawk , if I were you, this is what I'd do.

1) Whenever you come over, it's like "Cat Christmas." Be the human who feeds her, initiates play with chase toys, and give her treats.

2) AT ALL OTHER TIMES, play it cool. Do your thing, like she doesn't exist. Respect her space, even if she's lying close by, looking super cute. The more you're around where good things happen and "bad things" never do (like unwanted approaching/petting), the faster the rapport will build.

3) Wait for her to initiate. Her brushing up against you or a headbutt. And when she does, STILL PLAY IT COOL. Gradually advance from putting out your hand to light, brief pets.

(Quick related tangent: My cat follows me everywhere. BUT, when she's relaxing in certain spots, especially at bedtime and I approach her for a pet, you'd think we never met before. Don't take it personally!)

I know you want a lovebug right now, but it's going to take a lot of patience considering your schedule of contact. I'll tell you think, though. Love that's really, really earned can be quite incredible.

 

[firehawk]

Thank you. Yup. I don't pay attention to him much. Just once in a while. I'll just ignore him the next few times and see what happens but give him a treat even though he doesn't look at me when I give him some!

 

[Alldara]

Yeah. SO made a bad choice. I would have liked an emotional support pet and I love cats. Never had a pet before but do reasonably know the basics and keep learning.

Double whammy for me. Oh well.

An emotional support pet would need to be with you all the time, not in a place where you are only there a few days a month.

Further, not all cats (or pets in general) are suited for it. And then even if they are suited for it, they need training. That's why there are professional places that specialize in training support pets or helping the individual train their current pet.

Im sorry to say, but I think it's a lack of comprehension for both of you on how a support animal works.

Even for myself, I had to get a new support animal. Adopted a cat who I thought was suited personality wise and then as he grew, he's just not. I love him dearly but he just ended up not being suited for it.

 

[Alldara]

 

[firehawk]

Maybe I didn't use the right words. I meant in terms of being able to pet them and have them calm me due to stress etc... But I hear you

 

[zoes]

I want to ask about the squirming you mentioned. "Squirming" implies to me that he's kind of trying to escape you (like you pick him up or corner him in some way to pet him and he squirms to get away from you.)
Is that the case? Was he restrained at all in any way before he bit you? Either physically in your arms, or blocked by your body or limbs, or you were encroaching on his safety bubble or following him around. In any way not free to completely walk away, even if it didn't seem to you like you were forcing him to stay there.
If that's possible at all, I'd assume that he has a negative association with you. This is not uncommon - we want to love on them and we are so much bigger than them, it's very easy to force it on them without really realizing it.

I do agree with the others, though, that there's probably not a lot of progress you can make with how little time you spend with him. It's very rare that someone else's cat is as social and loving with me as they are with their owners. It's just the nature of cats. Over time and if you adjust how you interact with him, he will probably come around a bit, but until/unless you live with him, you will always be an acquaintance to him. For now I would start by ignoring him yeah, and when you visit, sit yourself in a chair or area that he is often in. I have one cat who will love on anyone who sits in my chair, because that's where I always sit and where she knows to go for love.

 

[firehawk]

zoes thank you.
Excellent question.

I don't pick him up unless I need to move him and he is OK with that. He is free to move as he wishes with no restraints whatsoever.

For example if he is walking past or laying on the chair or bed, if I take my fingers and stroke him on his head or cheek, he just wants to get out of it and moves his head away like he is being restrained when he is not at all.

He does smell my hand and fingers but that's it.
I play with him with his feather or ball or springs or laser pointer but that's it.

 

[zoes]

Hmm ok. I think he is still telling you "no" with his body language instead of by avoiding you and because you didn't back off, he felt his only recourse was to bite you. In addition to mostly ignoring him, I would do that invite his attention like play, offering treats etc. But do not pet him unless he pets you first (rubbing his face on your hand,) don't go to him or after him unless he welcomes you (by walking to you, not just past you, or trilling at you) I'd wager that right now, he doesn't trust you so I'd focus on being a bringer of only good things.

All this is a super easy mistake to make with cats. Their size, relative harmlessness, and reputation for being aloof and enigmatic means that a lot of people don't realize how much earning their trust can transform their relationship with a cat.

 

[firehawk]

Excellent points zoes .thank you

 

[zoes]

Excellent points zoes .thank you

Good luck to you both! I think between some tweaks to your behaviour and time for him to get older and more mellow, you will definitely make progress with him.

 

[Alldara]

Maybe I didn't use the right words. I meant in terms of being able to pet them and have them calm me due to stress etc... But I hear you

'being able to calm me during stress'

Yes, emotional support animal is the correct term for that. So I'm sorry it's frustrating for you but you both went in to this situation with a lack of understanding regarding both emotional support animals and also cats.

Honestly, even in terms of pets in general there seems to be a lack of understanding. The pet can't be "for you", if you are only there a few days a week. That's the reality. No animal is going to bond to you in the way you wish under those circumstances.

Can a pet still bond to you under those circumstances? Yes. But just not as it's primary person. Depending on the personality, very well even. Calcifer LOVES my mother in-law; she only comes periodically, and she had to show a lot of patience in that time. But he doesn't cuddle her or comfort her the way he does with me or my wife.

My late cat Lily LOVED my nieces and would cuddle them, especially at night. She knew they weren't there every day. But it took years to get her to the point of being comfortable with people.

Nobel, same. Loved my sister. Knows she's only here 2 weeks a year and didn't leave her side while she was here. (Even at night, shirking his duties as my support animal )