I'm sorry, Simba

[FetchingCat]

Long story short, I missed my cat's passing by an hour and half at the most. Because of work. I could have called out sick the night before, I would not have suffered repercussions, but it would have been last minute and I had assumed she'd last till 2 pm the next day at least. I was prepared to order at home euthanasia for the day after she ended up passing. I was contemplating having a tense Thanksgiving with a dying cat.

At 11:30 am yesterday, I called home to say I was on my way. My sister picked up and happened to put me on speaker. She was next to Simba, who raised her head when she heard my voice. Sister told Simba I was coming, and Simba head butted her.

I arrived by 1pm, an hour ahead of schedule. Simba was already gone, or literally on her last breath. I thought I saw her side go up and down, but she otherwise did not move at all. She was already cool. She probably had passed an hour ago while I was driving home.

I'm not sad about her passing. I had had a month to deal with her diagnosis, saw how skeletal she was getting, and had euthanasia on my mind every time. She was on borrowed time. She passed on her own terms, surrounded by family. That was all that I had asked for.

I'm just struggling with the fact that I missed her by an hour. An HOUR. As a healthy cat, she'd wait by the window for me when I left through the front door, and she'd wait by the garage for me when I left through the garage. She'd sit by me when I ate. She'd scratch the carpet in a frenzy whenever I got home.

I can't help but feel I let her down. She was waiting for me, but her body just couldn't handle it. I hope it was enough for her to hear my voice on the phone, but I'll have no way of knowing.

She passed on a cut up mattress topper I used to sleep on. It was easy to pick her up and transport her, we used the bed as a stretcher. There was nothing to clean up because the bedding took care of it. She looked so comfy. She passed on her side, facing the wall, so I couldn't immediately tell she was gone. She spared me the initial shock. She even managed to use her litter box before going. She used all her strength to climb in, and missed a little. She passed with her dignity, in comfort, at home, with 3 out of 5 family members, after having heard my voice on the phone. She waited a few days after my wedding anniversary, and passed with enough days before Thanksgiving to give us time to grieve before celebrating. She went during business hours, while it was still light out, so we could take her to a crematorium right away, without paying the after hours surcharge at the emergency vet. I got to take her to the crematorium, meet the owners, and get the paw prints I wanted. It was as if she was doing us a final courtesy. I am grateful to her, and I couldn't even be there for her.

Everything about her death was "perfect" and "convenient" except that I missed her by an hour. I'm struggling to shake that remorse and guilt. I should have known better to think she'd be able to wait for me even if she wanted to. I feel I let her down. I could have called in sick, I could have figured out how to work from home. Everything was "perfect" except for this one thing.

Maybe I'm asking for too much, but this one thing was well within my control. I was Mom, I was the one who adopted her, I was the one she'd wait for, but I prioritized work over her. I don't know how to get over that. It will probably be a lingering regret forever, but I need to live with it.

 

[betsygee]

Please don't beat yourself up about this, though I know that's easier said than done. Chances are Simba's spirit was already gone. I sat with my last cat, waiting for the vet's office to open so we could take her in to be put to sleep and watched as she took her last breaths. I was there with her, but I don't know that she really knew that. I believe the essence of who she was, was already gone and her body was just going through its final death throes.

As you said, Simba 'passed with her dignity, in comfort, at home, with 3 out of 5 family members, after having heard my voice on the phone.' That sounds sweet and peaceful, and just about as good a death as a little kitty could have. And she knew how much you loved her.

Rest in peace, sweet Simba.

 

[Purr-fect]

Its natural to feel guilty. You couldnt have possibly known within the hour when she would pass. If you had called out sick and not gone to work, she may not have passed then. Would you call out sick for the next shift and then the next?

She was comfortable, at home, with family....all anyone can hope for.

Try not to focus on how she passed, but perhaps instead honor her by remembering how she lived.

Simba sounded like quite the lady.

 

[di and bob]

Many cats die by their own choosing without their loved one present because they want to spare them the pain of witnessing their death. Most hideaway in a small dark place, your Simba chose the bed you gave her because she was comfortable there and felt your love surrounding her. I believe that is what Simba did for you because she loved you so very much.
Like was said above do not beat yourself up for circumstances beyond your control. There is nothing that can change the past, no matter how much we would like to. Love is spiritual, so eternal. As you carry her love in your very soul, so she carries yours. She did not need to have you present to feel your love and concern, she was holding it close the whole time. Our time here on earth, as it is with all living things, is fleeting. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, just as none of us are perfect and muddle through life the best we can. Our spirits though, soar when they are released from our worn, broken bodies, as hers is soaring right now, surrounding you with what love she can give you, and always paralleling your life's journey until one day it too must end. You are bound together by the ties of love. nothing, not even death is strong enough to break that bond, she will forever live through you now, and will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Her love is forever deep in your soul. It can never be reduced or replaced, only added on to by the love you can form with others, allowing it to grow even stronger, even more important in your life. She gave you that, the ability to love, she did her job well.
There are words I always cling to in times like these. When the sorrow and anguish threaten to rule your world and take away the joys of life, " Do not cry because it is over, smile because it happened". Your life is forever changed because of her sweet love, thank her for giving you one of life's greatest treasures, a cat's love. And get through these days filled with grief and sorrow by living once again as you would want for her if you were the frist to go, seeking life's happiness one day at a time..........RIP sweet Simba. you will be dearly missed, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[minish]

Being there would not change the situation and Simba was surrounded by loved ones. We can change nothing a second after it happened so please don't beat yourself up. You gave a lifelong worth of love and care, which is more than enough for any person or pet in our lives

 

[Mamanyt1953]

She heard your voice, she knew you were "there," even if not physically, and she was comforted. That's all you need to think about. And I would bet my next Social Security check that, had we eyes to see into the spirit world, you'd have seen her there, waiting for one last look at a much-loved face.

Rest you gentle, Simba, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on your Mama's heart forever.

 

[les26]

This is a very tough call and it is very easy to blame yourself but it is most likely the grief talking, you did so many things right for her over the years, but we always seem to dwell on the one thing we think we did "wrong", but you had no way of knowing how it would've turned out. She heard your voice, she knew you loved her and she was at home with loved ones, she is fine now just fine, and when you meet again soemday she will tell you that she understood.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your loss, she is fine now, please try to know that you did nothing wrong and she is healthy and happy once again, God Bless......