I'm Moving! Need Advice On My (Parents') Cat

[Danneq]

For a variety of reasons which are mostly unrelated, I’ve been living with my parents since I got out of college. (Don’t worry, I pay rent, no mooching. ) The time has finally come for me to move out, and I’m super excited! I’m also very worried.

When I said “mostly unrelated,” there is one factor that’s been a big part of keeping me here, and her name is Jackie.

We have two cats. They are sisters from the same litter, and they are nine years old. We’ve had them since they were five months old. Julie is a the most polite cat I’ve ever met, super sweet, friendly, and cute—with humans. Other animals are a completely different story, and her sister is included in that. We have had several issues of displaced aggression (including one that drew blood) and, once or twice, a episode of plain ol’ regular aggression. Julie is always the aggressor. When we separate them, Jackie sits on her side of the door and cries, and Julie stays puffed up and ready to attack. It’s like Jackie can’t figure out why her sister attacked her, but she wants to kiss and make up so they can go back to usual.

Jackie is a cuddle bug. She’s a shy with strangers, but once she gets to know you, she will snuggle with anyone who holds still long enough. Julie does not snuggle (though they used to when they were kittens, I have pics to prove it haha). Over the years, I’ve felt sad on Jackie’s behalf that Julie will no longer sleep all curled up with her, but she’s had me to compensate. Jackie’s my girl, see. She runs up to greet me (just me) at the door, chirping and purring. She demands that I sit with her and will follow me around the house until I comply. Her cat tower is in my room. Ma says that she goes looking for me sometimes when I’m not there (eg if I’m at work or if I’m out late). She will settle for cuddling with my mom, and seems very content to sit on her lap, but the second I walk in the door, she gets up and runs after me. So that sounds easy, right? Jackie comes with me, easy peasy.

Except it’s not. She’s nine, and that technically makes her a senior, and we all know that cats hate change and old cats hate it the most. She also loves her sister. If she cannot find Julie (eg if Julie’s at the vet without her) she will wander around the house, crying. When Julie gets back, Jackie checks her over and usually tries to groom her. Grooming usually turns into a squabble about who gets to groom who where, and then it turns into a play fight. It’s definitely play fighting. They largely chase each other around and tussle a little, and you can do things like stick your fingers in the way and they don’t attack them, easily pick one of them up, etc. (It is very difficult to separate them when they’re fighting for real.)

Jack has lived in this house for almost all of her life. She has her tower, her favorite spot in the sun, and her favorite couch upon which she wants her favorite human (me) to be sitting. And whatever happens, it’s going to be hugely stressful for her.

Jackie does also not like being alone, period. I think that Julie would handle being a one-cat-household very well, but Jackie would struggle.

I have two options:

1) Leave Jackie with my parents. She keeps her home, two of her humans, and her sister (who she loves though the relationship is somewhat fraught). She loses her favorite person who she spends most of her time with. Hope that cuddling with my mom makes it easier and that she adjusts. I adopt two new cats, maybe a bonded pair if I can find one, maybe just two who like being around other cats, to hopefully avoid any real fights.

2) Take Jackie with me. Julie becomes the princess of the house the way she’s always wanted. Jackie has to adjust to a new place, but I’ll be right there with her. Give her a couple of weeks (months?) to settle a bit, with me being home as often as possible (I’m working from home right now due to covid, so I would be home almost all the time). When she seems more secure in the new place, work with an adoption agency to find a heavily socialized cat who enjoys being with other cats, and carefully introduce them (I have experience with introducing two cats who are strangers, I know it’s not easy). Hope that Jackie has missed having a “real” cat relationship enough that when another cat offers one, she’ll reciprocate instead of being territorial or afraid.

We have no way of knowing whether losing me but keeping everything else would be more stressful on her than keeping me but losing everything else. We keep going back and forth on what the right thing to do is. We’d largely agreed that staying in her current home would be better (she will snuggle with my mom when I’m not around) but then Ma came into the room earlier today—I was playing video games and Jackie was curled up in my lap looking very happy—and Ma got this look on her face and said, maybe she really does need me more than she needs to stay somewhere familiar.

I know there are no guarantees. Jackie and the heavily socialized newcomer could hate each other, because sometimes that just happens. Maybe I’m underestimating Julie, and she’d miss her sister and be stressed out. (Though, for reference, when we had to put down our 22-year-old cat a few years ago, Julie seemed not to notice while Jackie sat near Emily’s old chair and cried. They weren’t even close, Jackie just doesn’t like not knowing where her family is. I love Julie very much, I'm not trying to make her out like the bad guy, she just loves humans way more than cats). No one here can see the future, and you don’t know my cats. I’m not looking for the interwebs to solve my problem. But I am interested in your opinions, based on your experience with your own cats. If this was you, what would you do?

tl;dr my cat loves me but hates change and I'm moving, halp

 

[ArtNJ]

I had two cats like this once. The one that loved his brother died first, so I didn't see how the loving one would have reacted to the loss of the indifferent sibling. The indifferent one was far more effected than we thought -- he didn't appear to grieve as such, but he instantly and permanently became much more affectionate with humans which we took to mean that he had been benefitting from the other cat's companionship even if he didn't act like it.

Personally, I'd leave the cats with your parents and adopt two young kittens of an age where friendship is usually guarrantied. My reasons are thus:

(1) Jackie will likely be stressed/unhappy for a good while as an only cat in a new place. Or she might be excessively needy;

(2) Julie might feel the loss more than you'd expect (see my experience above);

(3) Its not especially likely Jackie will do well with a kitten just because of her general personality. Unless you have very recent evidence of her accepting other animals with ease, other kinds of evidence, even doing great with new animals years ago, doesn't seem to be worth much. You might have the odds of any 9 year old with a kitten -- meaning stress and a long slow climb to toleration is probably more likely than acceptance.

All in all, it just sounds like everyone will be happier if you get two kittens. (Except maybe your mom, who might be greatful not to have to deal with the occassional fights.)

 

[Danneq]

The one that loved his brother died first, so I didn't see how the loving one would have reacted to the loss of the indifferent sibling.

Oh gosh, Jackie outliving Julie is one of my worst nightmares. I love them to bits and hope they both stay with us for a long while to come, obviously, and you could be right that Julie would be more affected than I think, but I'm pretty sure it'd make Jackie a wreck.

I do wish there was a way to "test drive" a new cat around Jackie. Right now the closest we have is my brother's dog, who comes over sometimes. Jackie hides from him. But a dog is not a cat, y'know?

She's been with other cats her whole life--Julie, obviously, plus our Emily for about the first seven years of Jackie's life. I've talked about how Jackie is with Julie; with Emily, Jackie was very protective. Emily wanted nothing to do with the kittens, so Jackie didn't get to cuddle with her either, but she would hang out in Emily's general vicinity. On more than one occasion, Jackie defended Emily from a human who was "bothering" her. Once, Emily had a UTI right when we were about to go on a vacation we'd had planned for years. It was terrifying to leave her, but we couldn't reschedule, so we had a vet tech come into the house every day to check on her and to give her subdermal fluids. Emily kicked up a fuss, as you'd expect, and Jackie rushed in to defend her. She did the same thing with my dad once; he was helping Mom groom Emily (she had arthritis, so she didn't groom everywhere and would get mats) and Jackie ran over and punched him, basically. Biggest bruise I've ever seen in my life! (We probably teased Dad about getting beat up by a seven-pound girl more than we hould have, but it was funny!)

So, Jackie is sort of socialized around other cats. Not the way I want for her, but she's used to having other cat(s) around, and I'm hoping that could transfer. I've read that cats who are socialized to be around other cats when they're kittens adjust to new cats in the household much more easily. I just, like, don't know if Jackie matches that definition.

I did have the sudden realization last night that I could move out for a few days and we could assess how Jackie adjusts. If she freaks out, maybe she comes with me for a couple days, see if that goes better. I do worry about the stress on her.

 

[ArtNJ]

Personally, unless she has accepted a new pet within the last couple of years, I don't think earlier stuff is too predictive. You should probably assume that her chances of accepting a kitten are more or less the same as any 9 year old cats. Meaning you never know, but some stress could linger and it might be more about getting to toleration than friendship.

 

[Danneq]

I think we're back to leaning toward keeping Jackie at home. We weren't even thinking about the effect it could have on Julie, since Jules is so much more independent. But they've been together their whole lives. Sometimes you love your family even if you don't necessarily like them that much, y'know? Since there will be change regardless, keeping as many variables the same will probably be easiest on Jackie. I think.

I'm a little wary of kittens, though. I was thinking maybe 1-2yrs old, give or take. Our girls were buddies until they hit adulthood, when Julie grew apart. I've heard similar stories, about kittens who seem close and then fall out later. I wonder if a bonded pair of adults would be a "safer" bet. A bonded pair that aren't littermates seems "safest," because it probably means they chose each other instead of just being siblings. Of course, I've also heard stories about littermates who spend their whole lives adoring each other. I guess it's a roll of the dice.

(Again, I know there aren't actually any "safe" bets. I'll be fine if my two cats tolerate each other, happy if they seem to like each other, and ecstatic if they spend their years together as cuddle buddies and/or playmates. I'm planning on working with a rescue as opposed to a town pound because I think they'll know what cats are a "real" bonded pair that will lat, or at least a pair who might get along well together even if they're not bonded.)

 

[ArtNJ]

I think its more like stuff can always go wrong in any formerly good cat relationship? Just like with people. It definitely does happen, we see posts with various stories but is not especially common, you had some bad luck there.

Personally, I think the only reason to adopt an older pair would be the possibility that you are actually saving lives, since they have a harder time finding homes than kittens. Or maybe if you are home all day in a small space working from home and can't have the chaos factor of kittens! Kittens are so much fun though, and easier to bond with, so its a tough choice.

 

[Danneq]

Perhaps I shall simply wait until I can schedule a visit and see which pair I fall in love with.

Now I just need to decide to go pound or rescue. And once I do, which one. I keep flip-flopping.