Hello everyone,
I was in tears when I just discovered this platform, and I believe it is the right place to open about something I don't feel like telling my friends or family about.
My beloved kitten Nieve passed away last summer, she was just a few months old and I still can't overcome it. Though this doesn't affect my daily life, I miss her so much and burst in tears when alone and/or when something reminds me of her.
Here is my story. I live in Switerzland but always spend summer in Spain, where my family comes from. There are a lot of stray cats there, and at that time of the years many kittens are growing up in our area nearby.
A few days after I arrived, my grandma told me that some cat was meowing in a bush and that she saw a white form in it, but it was far from our balcony. Then the next day, an old hag from the neighbourhood went with a broom and got it out brutally out of the bush. Then a white thunderbold ran in the gardens and the caught it and put her in a plastic bag, on her way to the trash. I saw everything from my balcony, and from the urge I just ran out of my house, taking my keys, yelling that I was going to kill that bitch. Since the old hag is also a coward, when she saw me down the street she handled me the bag with the kitten in it, saying "you want it?" and I just replied YES I DO before heading back home. My grandma refused at first that I bring her up because we have another adult indoor cat, Pixel, and she was afraid that the kitten would give her some illness (we once lost another cat because she had escaped and caught an illness from hiding in a hole). But I opened the bag (because that bitch not only was to put the cat in the trash but in a closed bag, I swear I still want to take revenge on her someday for this) to let the kitten breathe and what I saw both break my heart and enchanted me. A tiny white kitten with beautiful, ice-coloured eyes was looking at me with fear. I immediately brought her up, first in a box, then in the back room of our kitchen, where I gave her food and water, before placing her in a homemade cage that we kept on the balcony, since it was always warm there.
We first wanted to find someone who could take care of her in our place, because with Pixel we had to keep the kitten at a distance. But time passed and since we didn't get any help we just kept her. I named her Nieve, went to buy food and medication (because she had stomach parasites and fleas) for her, gave her a bath and grew attached to her. She was very cute and grateful. In the beginning, she would trust me and me alone and was afraid of everyone else because of what the old hag did to her.
Later the same week, my mom arrived at our place and we brought Nieve to the vet a few time to get her vaccinated, and though I really wanted to keep her, my mom convinced me that we had to find a home for her. I was heartbroken but I also knew it was the best we could do for her. By chance, we found an old and kind lady who had just adopted another kitten and was looking for a second one so they could be together. Everything was going fine and three weeks after I found Nieve, we brought her to the lady, where we knew she would live happily.
However, the next day, we received a call from the lady where she was saying that the cat went mad during the night, escaped through the balcony to the neighbour's appartment, and then was nowhere to be found. I went to see the lady and helped looking for her in her appartment, the neighbour's and the neighbourhood. I also asked around if someone had seen a little white cat. Eventually, a shopkeeper told me he did. He saw the cat in the morning, before his shop. Dead. I couldn't believe it, I felt like puking when I heard it, then I burst into tears and had to phone my mom. Everyone at my house was devastated from the news, and I felt terrible. It was no one's fault, and yet I felt guilty, I felt terrible for letting her die, for not staying with her, for not being with her in her last moments. I am sure she panicked at the new place because after a few hours she realized I was nowhere for her and maybe escaped to reach me or something...I wish I had never let her go, I wish I had opposed my family and never accepted to give her away. In the next days after her passing, I cried a lot, got support from my mother, who found the right words. And yet, months after, I still feel sad, I miss my Nieve, I miss our times together, our games, our cuddles, and I wish I could have provided her much more love and for much more time. The old lady who adopted her even agreed on me visiting her from time to time, so really I wasn't prepared for that final departure.
I felt like telling this story to none of my friends, though I know they can be compassionate to me about this, because I just don't want to share the story several times and to many people over and over again. I also don't want to disturb my own family's mourning, because I know they loved Nieve very much too, even if my relationship to her was deeper and more special since I was the one saving her and taking care of her.
I feel this is so unfair. Nieve was a bit weak at first. The vet also noticed that she was actually deaf due to the white hair/blue eyes combination genes, but that didn't affect her beauty nor her wonderful personality. She was so gentle, affectionate, playful and full with life, and her health improved every day thanks to our caring. She was supposed to have a long and great life, and that happened. I didn't witness anything but I see it in dreams, I see her jumping from a high, or I am around town looking for her or trying to keep her by my side but she just always escapes, I keep having those dreams months after and they sink my mood when they happen.
After Nieve's death, my mom told me that I shouldn't be sad because that's not what Nieve would have wished for, that what mattered was that I had given her all my love and she gave me all of hers, that Nieve was now good and she wasn't suffering. She told me that I could try writing her a letter, but I'm not sure that's how I want to do my mourning. I am sure that in the future I will dedicate her some of my art, since I'm a comic artist/illustrator, and I also want to do something for stray cats in Spain, so Nieve can keep existing through her legacy, but those things take time and money, which at the time I don't have, nor do I feel at peace enough for taking that step yet. I couldn't claim her body (who was taking care of the same morning of her death by the town garbage service) because I was fearing so much of seeing her or being given a response like "we burned it" or "threw it to the trash" which is probably what happened anyways, but I also feel her body was secondary, that her soul was what mattered.
Lately I've been grieving even more because a good friend of mine got himself a kitten, and he posts stuff about her daily improvements on twitter, and she's very cute too, but she reminds me of Nieve sometimes, and I burst into tears. It also happens whenever I see a white cat almost, I either cry or hold my tears hard.
I am thus seeking for help and advice on how to mourn her properly and maybe get out of the suffering her death causes me, because as my mom advised, I don't want to make Nieve sad, I want to be grateful for meeting her and being important to her as she was for me and remember her for the good times and the good times alone.
Thanks if you read this through the end.
I was in tears when I just discovered this platform, and I believe it is the right place to open about something I don't feel like telling my friends or family about.
My beloved kitten Nieve passed away last summer, she was just a few months old and I still can't overcome it. Though this doesn't affect my daily life, I miss her so much and burst in tears when alone and/or when something reminds me of her.
Here is my story. I live in Switerzland but always spend summer in Spain, where my family comes from. There are a lot of stray cats there, and at that time of the years many kittens are growing up in our area nearby.
A few days after I arrived, my grandma told me that some cat was meowing in a bush and that she saw a white form in it, but it was far from our balcony. Then the next day, an old hag from the neighbourhood went with a broom and got it out brutally out of the bush. Then a white thunderbold ran in the gardens and the caught it and put her in a plastic bag, on her way to the trash. I saw everything from my balcony, and from the urge I just ran out of my house, taking my keys, yelling that I was going to kill that bitch. Since the old hag is also a coward, when she saw me down the street she handled me the bag with the kitten in it, saying "you want it?" and I just replied YES I DO before heading back home. My grandma refused at first that I bring her up because we have another adult indoor cat, Pixel, and she was afraid that the kitten would give her some illness (we once lost another cat because she had escaped and caught an illness from hiding in a hole). But I opened the bag (because that bitch not only was to put the cat in the trash but in a closed bag, I swear I still want to take revenge on her someday for this) to let the kitten breathe and what I saw both break my heart and enchanted me. A tiny white kitten with beautiful, ice-coloured eyes was looking at me with fear. I immediately brought her up, first in a box, then in the back room of our kitchen, where I gave her food and water, before placing her in a homemade cage that we kept on the balcony, since it was always warm there.
We first wanted to find someone who could take care of her in our place, because with Pixel we had to keep the kitten at a distance. But time passed and since we didn't get any help we just kept her. I named her Nieve, went to buy food and medication (because she had stomach parasites and fleas) for her, gave her a bath and grew attached to her. She was very cute and grateful. In the beginning, she would trust me and me alone and was afraid of everyone else because of what the old hag did to her.
Later the same week, my mom arrived at our place and we brought Nieve to the vet a few time to get her vaccinated, and though I really wanted to keep her, my mom convinced me that we had to find a home for her. I was heartbroken but I also knew it was the best we could do for her. By chance, we found an old and kind lady who had just adopted another kitten and was looking for a second one so they could be together. Everything was going fine and three weeks after I found Nieve, we brought her to the lady, where we knew she would live happily.
However, the next day, we received a call from the lady where she was saying that the cat went mad during the night, escaped through the balcony to the neighbour's appartment, and then was nowhere to be found. I went to see the lady and helped looking for her in her appartment, the neighbour's and the neighbourhood. I also asked around if someone had seen a little white cat. Eventually, a shopkeeper told me he did. He saw the cat in the morning, before his shop. Dead. I couldn't believe it, I felt like puking when I heard it, then I burst into tears and had to phone my mom. Everyone at my house was devastated from the news, and I felt terrible. It was no one's fault, and yet I felt guilty, I felt terrible for letting her die, for not staying with her, for not being with her in her last moments. I am sure she panicked at the new place because after a few hours she realized I was nowhere for her and maybe escaped to reach me or something...I wish I had never let her go, I wish I had opposed my family and never accepted to give her away. In the next days after her passing, I cried a lot, got support from my mother, who found the right words. And yet, months after, I still feel sad, I miss my Nieve, I miss our times together, our games, our cuddles, and I wish I could have provided her much more love and for much more time. The old lady who adopted her even agreed on me visiting her from time to time, so really I wasn't prepared for that final departure.
I felt like telling this story to none of my friends, though I know they can be compassionate to me about this, because I just don't want to share the story several times and to many people over and over again. I also don't want to disturb my own family's mourning, because I know they loved Nieve very much too, even if my relationship to her was deeper and more special since I was the one saving her and taking care of her.
I feel this is so unfair. Nieve was a bit weak at first. The vet also noticed that she was actually deaf due to the white hair/blue eyes combination genes, but that didn't affect her beauty nor her wonderful personality. She was so gentle, affectionate, playful and full with life, and her health improved every day thanks to our caring. She was supposed to have a long and great life, and that happened. I didn't witness anything but I see it in dreams, I see her jumping from a high, or I am around town looking for her or trying to keep her by my side but she just always escapes, I keep having those dreams months after and they sink my mood when they happen.
After Nieve's death, my mom told me that I shouldn't be sad because that's not what Nieve would have wished for, that what mattered was that I had given her all my love and she gave me all of hers, that Nieve was now good and she wasn't suffering. She told me that I could try writing her a letter, but I'm not sure that's how I want to do my mourning. I am sure that in the future I will dedicate her some of my art, since I'm a comic artist/illustrator, and I also want to do something for stray cats in Spain, so Nieve can keep existing through her legacy, but those things take time and money, which at the time I don't have, nor do I feel at peace enough for taking that step yet. I couldn't claim her body (who was taking care of the same morning of her death by the town garbage service) because I was fearing so much of seeing her or being given a response like "we burned it" or "threw it to the trash" which is probably what happened anyways, but I also feel her body was secondary, that her soul was what mattered.
Lately I've been grieving even more because a good friend of mine got himself a kitten, and he posts stuff about her daily improvements on twitter, and she's very cute too, but she reminds me of Nieve sometimes, and I burst into tears. It also happens whenever I see a white cat almost, I either cry or hold my tears hard.
I am thus seeking for help and advice on how to mourn her properly and maybe get out of the suffering her death causes me, because as my mom advised, I don't want to make Nieve sad, I want to be grateful for meeting her and being important to her as she was for me and remember her for the good times and the good times alone.
Thanks if you read this through the end.
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