I put my cat to sleep yesterday - asking for opinion

[I'm John]

So, today I've done some reading and I found a vet online that describes the process of putting an animal to sleep. She states that after the first shot of sedative, the animal is not full unconscious. It becomes fully unconscious after the second shot.

This means that the pain of my beloved friend was real, and when she was connecting the cannula, he was feeling it. I don't know what it felt like to him, but I know that the deep breaths he took were breaths of pain. I can't know what the experience was for my cat, if the pain was physical or psychological, but it was there and it was a reaction to the vet trying to connect the cannula.

Are you guys sure that he can not feel anything after the first shot? I know you told me not to dwell on his passing, and that no death is perfect, but I am trying to understand the truth.

I've had one thought in mind for the past 2 years: "The best you can give an old animal is a peaceful death." I feel like I was not able to give him that. Unsettling and upsetting. I don't know what to do.

 

[fionasmom]

I have put numerous animals to sleep, dogs and cats, and I do feel that your cat was much more unconscious than you believe he was. I understand how hard this is for you and how much you loved him. Even if he felt "something", I believe that he was in a very relaxed or semi-unconscious state which would mean that it was not pain, but only a sensation of being handled.

 

[I'm John]

I have put numerous animals to sleep, dogs and cats, and I do feel that your cat was much more unconscious than you believe he was. I understand how hard this is for you and how much you loved him. Even if he felt "something", I believe that he was in a very relaxed or semi-unconscious state which would mean that it was not pain, but only a sensation of being handled.

Thank you. You are very kind. I don't know. I guess that I sort of matured being through this experience. I got my cat as a kitten when I was 10, still a kid. Now I get to see him being put to sleep. It opened my eyes sort of. But still hurts a lot.

I am thankful to everyone reading this and comforting me. Thank you all.

 

[fionasmom]

This cat was your childhood pet and losing one who has been with you for all those years of your own development is very hard. Even if he was not technically your first cat, in a way he sounds as if he was. I am not saying that it gets easier or that you become immune to losing others, but some can be much harder than others.

 

[I'm John]

This cat was your childhood pet and losing one who has been with you for all those years of your own development is very hard. Even if he was not technically your first cat, in a way he sounds as if he was. I am not saying that it gets easier or that you become immune to losing others, but some can be much harder than others.

Thank you, your words mean a lot to me.

I am getting slightly better, although one memory is still present in my mind.

It is the memory where I was burying my boy in our garden. The young kitten I got 20 years ago became an adult and then a senior cat. I remember the first time we met, and the last time I saw his physical body, although he was not there anymore. I remember holding his body and putting it to the grave I've just dug with my parents.

 

[fionasmom]

You are able to show him the final respect and kindness by burying his body in your garden. It is a very metaphysical feeling though as all those memories pass through your mind, almost like you are at more than one place in time...with your cat then and with them now simultaneously.

 

[I'm John]

fionasmom Thank you.

I've been experiencing my grief somewhat unexpectedly. First I was depressed, then I was angry, and tonight I woke up at 1 AM in the morning and still thought to myself that I can not believe my beloved cat has moved over the rainbow bridge. Something within me is having a problem believing it.

 

[fionasmom]

You are working through stages of grief which is actually a good sign. Sorrow, anger, and disbelief are all part of those steps.

 

[I'm John]

fionasmom After my boy went over the rainbow bridge, I was in terrible pain. Through this pain I realized that there are still some other things which make me feel hurt. In the past, I did not know how to handle some life situations and I was afraid to talk about them with my parents. These feelings are still present, and I believe they also affect my body.

I decided to visit my mother, who has been of great help, and I spent 13 days there. We spoke about many things that happened in the past. I even managed to talk about feelings I had 25 years ago, which I never spoke about. My mother was upset about how I felt, and I decided to leave. Today I entered the flat I lived with my boy for the last 3 years. It is the first time I've entered since we were here since the day. I am able to be here, although I the office chair he used to lie on is empty. I have many things here that remind of him, but as long as the candle on my desk is lit, I feel protected. A day will come eventually when I will have to take those things and do something with them, either hide them or sell them. I am not considering getting another animal at this point, although I know there are so many that deserve to be taken home. I am proud I was able to speak to my mother about my feelings, because one thing I learned from my cat is that my feelings matter.

I feel grateful I had him in my life. Through him I learned so many precious things. His divine wisdom and calmness truly mended my soul and helped me find love in my life again. I am sitting in my flat for the first time after the day he went over the rainbow bridge and crying. Thank you my boy, I am eternally grateful and I will protect you forever. Forever yours

 

[di and bob]

He will help you heal if you ask. There will always be a connection because love is spiritual. He s at peace because of that connection, he wants you to be too......

 

[fionasmom]

The time to get another cat is when you know that you are ready. No one can tell you when that is, and I hope that people are not trying to be "helpful" by offering you cats. You will know exactly when that time comes and you will be extremely happy to give another cat a loving home.

The same goes for the items that remind you of him. Those are yours to do exactly what you need and want to do. There is no right time to "clean up." I have mementos of many of my deceased pets and find comfort in them.

You have done a wonderful job in dealing with the passing of your friend and all of the emotions which have accompanied it.

 

[I'm John]

fionasmom Thank you very much for your words and advice. It really helps.

Yesterday my mom messaged me that she misses me and I knew that she was very sad, so I came back to her and slept there over the night.

I had a dream that I was playing soccer with my friends and suddenly one of my friends comes to me and says that I have a visitor. So I left the soccer pitch and my boy was waiting for me in a room. There was an old man and a dog in the room and he was sniffing my boy and my boy got a little bit scared. It is difficult to describe, but his scared reaction wasn't physical, he only lowered his head a little bit, as if he could not experience any physical pain. I asked the old man (I felt I knew the old man, he was a good man) to take care of the dog, and then the old man said something like "oh he'll be angry again as if I was pulling his tail". He went to get the dog and I could hear aggressive growling. He was trying to pull the dog away. I crouched, hugged my boy and shielded him with my body, so that he knew he is protected. I could feel that connection with my boy and I could sense that he feels safe with me, while the dog was being pulled away growling. Then, after all was gone, there was a cupboard with glass containers. There was some space between the containers just at the height of my head and my boy wanted to jump into the space, but I was afraid something would happen with the glass and he'd get hurt, so I put him in a chair and he lied there on his four paws, sitting but also lying at the same time. And he was contempt, looking at me.

I am forever here for you, my sweet boy, protecting you and loving you. Don't be afraid of anything, everything is okay. Eternally yours

 

[I'm John]

di and bob Thank you so much, you're very kind.

 

[fionasmom]

That is a really beautiful dream. I think that he is letting you know that he is okay and healthy again.

 

[marshmallow2013]

It’s very heatbreaking reading your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. You loved your sweet friend and let him go peacefully and didn’t let him suffer. Your friend was very lucky to have someone so goodhearted like you. He will always love you.
Rest In Peace, beautiful boy

 

[I'm John]

marshmallow2013 Thank you. I appreciate it very much.
fionasmom Thank you.

An update on my side is that I am working on keeping my mood up. I walk around 10km every day and exercise. I switched to a vegetarian diet and I aim to keep it that way, reducing the suffering produced by my lifestyle. I am still feeling guilty, because some memories bubbled up from my unconsciousness. For example when my boy was peeing at a drier (it was as big as a washing machine, but for drying clothes). My cats would pee at different places a lot. Partly I was not able to change their litter too often, or simply I was lazy and did not put enough effort to it. Partly because there was a clash of territories and we lived in a small flat.

Before I realized that any form of violence against animals makes no sense, I would sometimes slap my cats and I remembered that I would push my boy's head into the puddle he made angrily. I regret it immensely now.

After I moved to a new place with my boy, I realized how wrong it was. I used to sit next to my boy and tell him about all of those things that happened and I would apologize to him for every single guilty memory I had. There was a moment where he would come to my bed to cuddle, and this was a year before he went over the rainbow bridge. I would raise my hand cheerfully that I am seeing him. It was as if I was seeing him for the first time ever. I was so happy he came for a visit. However, he would "translate" this behavior of mine as if I was raising my hand at him, preparing to smack him. He did not run away though, he would only lower his head and I could feel his fear. I would caress him so much and then I explained to him that I love him and all that slapping that he remembered is over as I was stupid back then and now I am not. I could see that he knows what I am talking about. It was somewhat this feeling of reality shifting as I explained it to him. Perhaps it was my recognition of his feelings, and his recognition of my feelings as I apologized, that shifted the reality and we understood each other.

I never remembered the part where I used to push his head into the puddle he made. I did not apologize to him for that.

My love, I am so sorry that I was mean to you sometimes. I did not know any better, but you made me a better person and now I realize, thanks to you. Always loving you. Always protecting you. Always here for you.

 

[fionasmom]

It is wonderful that you are taking proactive steps to increase your own wellbeing. I think that your boy understood that you loved him. Animals live in the present much more than people do and he knew that everything was fine between the two of you. Many cats (and dogs) are suspicious of a raised hand even if it means nothing. Your cat may not have been thinking back to anything from the past. You definitely showed your boy that you loved him and he understood that.

 

[hspot]

I am not trying to hijack John's thread here. When I first read his initial post the other day, I was in tears. It brought back the feeling I had when I held my Tabitha in my arms on the table when the vet sedated her. I couldn't go with her for the final euthanasia, and I think that will haunt me for a very long time. It was just too much to see her close her eyes for the last time while I was holding her. I am balling right now typing this out. If I would have seen anything like what John went through when he said his last goodbyes, I wouldn't have been able to handle that! Dude, you are braver than I. Every day, I ask her to forgive me for not being there at her final breath. You did well my friend. Don't ever doubt yourself. Again, sorry for hijacking your thread,this is all just so fresh right now.....

 

[I'm John]

fionasmom Thank you very much. Your words mean a lot to me.

hspot Love is a miracle and we all do our best. As someone said before in this thread, guilt is always present. Your cat would not like you to be hurt badly, which is why you should not blame yourself for not being there at the last moment. Also, from what I've seen, they're not very conscious after the sedation. But I feel the pain you're in, as I am going through it now as well.

 

[hspot]

fionasmom Thank you very much. Your words mean a lot to me.

hspot Love is a miracle and we all do our best. As someone said before in this thread, guilt is always present. Your cat would not like you to be hurt badly, which is why you should not blame yourself for not being there at the last moment. Also, from what I've seen, they're not very conscious after the sedation. But I feel the pain you're in, as I am going through it now as well.

The guilt is slowly leaving, but the love will never be gone. She was my companion for 19 years in this home. I had one roommate for three months, but other than that it's been only her here. So yes, we share the same pain.....as well as the same name.