I Need Your Opinion Please

[HaLo2FrEeEk]

To start, this has nothing to do with cats (I hope that's ok, I mean, I have cats, does that count?). It is a personal situation, but I'm going to try to not be *too* detailed. Finally, I will be talking about a potentially controversial subject for some of you, smoking weed. I live in Washington state and I'm 28 years old, so it is perfectly legal for me to smoke weed. Had to get that out of the way. The opinions I need aren't about that.

Ok, the situation, my (now ex-) girlfriend used to smoke a lot of weed when we lived in TX, before we moved back to my home state of WA. When we moved, she made the decision on her own to stop smoking pot, reasoning that she can't move to start fresh and keep doing the same old habits. Because it was important to me at the time, I asked if she would make it a promise, which she did. We hadn't been in WA for a month yet and she'd already broken that promise at least twice, each time telling me she was sorry and giving some excuse. I was at the point where she needed to stop smoking or lose me, and to my knowledge she didn't do it again after that. I really hated it because I felt like she used it as a bandaid to not have to deal with things like some bad crap that happened to her when she was younger and her dad dying a few years prior, it was getting in the way of the healing process. Later on, stupid life happened and we ended up living in a garage. Not like how I do now (if you've read any of my other posts). Now I live in a house but spend 99% of my time in the garage (including sleeping, because it's quieter and my computer and recliner is in here.) No we were living in a detached, run-down, not-insulated garage. In the middle of winter, last year the temps got down in the low 20's (F, ~-7° C). It was pretty miserable. To add to it, I was working my butt off to get a promotion at work which they were taking their sweet time with. We had 1 car, both had jobs, barely made ends meet, and we drank a lot. Things got bad, and one night an argument started and ended up getting physical, on both sides. Long story short, it came down to I needed to quit drinking or she was going to leave. Easy choice for me, I quit right then and there, haven't had liquor since and have only had single beers spaced by at least a week, usually much longer, and always with her "permission", which I asked for to make sure she was ok with it before I had the beer. My brother recommended that I try smoking pot instead. It doesn't have to be as often, but no one ever got high and beat each other up. I had always hated weed, even more so because of the broken promises, but I decided to give it a shot. No matter what I was quitting drinking, but I looked at pot as sort of a win-win. If I can learn to enjoy it instead of getting anxious like I used to, it could really open up opportunities for us to communicate and learn about each other, plus there's no hangover. Of course, I learned to really enjoy it and it became the thing we did together instead of drinking. If it hadn't been for her, specifically her, I probably would never have started smoking. I wouldn't have quit drinking if it hadn't been for her, I know that, and meanwhile she would have left me, gone back to TX and continued drinking and smoking pot.

So, fastforward to 3 months after the breakup. She has apparently quit smoking now. Not drinking though, she never thought she had a problem with drinking even though she cheated on me while we were drinking, just before when the fight happened. She tells me that she's 3 months clean from drugs and she sees now why smoking weed is bad, it makes you complacent. I took that at first to mean she was saying I was complacent in my life, she seems to be under the impression that I'm letting all my bills slip and just in general not working on myself, for some reason. That couldn't be further from the truth, but I digress. I realized later that what she meant was that it had made *her* complacent, and that's why she stayed with me so long. This is after she'd told me a few weeks ago that she loved the man I was when we first moved into this house, (which was 5 months before the breakup) but I had changed and that's why she didn't feel the same anymore. We had already been smoking together for several months before we moved into this house, so that doesn't make sense to me. Anyway, her implying that smoking weed made her complacent, and further implying that I should now be ashamed of myself because I continue to smoke, is really messed up, because I literally only started it because of her, because she stayed. I did it for her, but because of it, I should feel like it's even more my fault that the relationship ended when and how it did, and I should feel like crap because she decided to quit after she'd lied and broken promises so many times, but I decided to continue doing it.

Does this make sense to any of you? I'm truly sorry for how long the post is, there's a lot on my mind and I have an annoying tendency to just type and type and type. I really hope I haven't lost everyone and I'd really love to get some opinions on this, am I justified in feeling like that's a really screwed up thing to throw in my face?

 

[denice]

I am just going to put a couple of general things out there, no one can know what really goes on between two other people. We cannot 'make' another adult do anything. We are each responsible for our own choices and what we bring to a relationship rather it be positive or negative. People are motivated to do things, sometimes that motivation can be messed up and be out of spite or to hurt someone but it is still a free choice. It is something that someone does because they want to. Sometimes it is best to just leave things alone and not try to analyze them, they are what they are.

I have no issues with drinking or smoking pot responsibly. It seems like a lot here is wrapped up in drinking or smoking, things like 'I started because of someone else'. Again as adults we make our own choices, we do things because we want to.

I am not a psychologist or a counselor. I have no training or experience so take what I say for what it is worth, just general observations from a layperson.

 

[Kieka]

It is a screwed up thing to throw in your face.

I need to throw a little of my background in so you understand that I am saying this next part with love. My last relationship was with a narcissist. I have a codependent personality (or I like to think had but working on overcoming it). A narcissist and codependent together I now realize is a bad combination. It was disfunctional to say the least and the last two years we're both verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. It took fear that he would physically hurt my cat to make me realize where I was. After we broke up there was several months of him digging at me and even now three years later I hear from him every six months for some BS reason. And yes, he pulled the "I would have stayed with you if you were like this before" and the complete reversal of "I don't like the person you've become. I never would have stayed with you like this."

So, here's my advice. Stop contact with her and let her dogs at you go. She is actively trying to hurt you. Don't let her have that power over you anymore. Take the power back. That includes taking a big step back and looking at your choices when it comes to weed and drinking. Yes, your choices.

No matter what I regret doing because my ex told me I should or I felt had to to make him happy, I choose to do it. I valued his opinion over others and I cost me dearly. But I can't blame him for what I choose to do. No matter how much he manipulated me I made the choices. Coming to grips with that is hard, I listened to a lot of self help books, journaled and generally looked at the dirty parts of me to realize that I choose my fate. In ignorance, out of fear, it doesn't matter. I made the choice and when I finally made the choice to leave him it was time to fix the parts of me that did. I couldn't blame him for what I did if I wanted to truly be free and live a life without him.

I think you need to start thinking the same way. Cut contact with the ex and anytime something comes up that you think she made you realize you choose to. It hurts. It's hard. But in the end you will feel more confident and stable in your life. It's taken me three years of active work to get where I am now. It's sometimes been two steps forward and one back but everyone in my life tell me that there is a difference in all aspects of me. I don't see it and I know I still have more work to do to truly feel solid. But we change in ways we don't realize or appreciate but others will see. Take it's a compliment if someone who held you back doesn't like the changes because that means you aren't their toy anymore.

 

[Kreatorcat]

Get single. Stay single for a while as you figure out who you were,who you are now,and who you want to be. Only then can you try to have a relationship of any merit. Being alone while working on yourself is the best thing you can do. This includes removing any people from your last that don't jibe with your plans for a better you.

Blaming others for your behavior is what children do. Even if "I did this for you!" is your excuse, it's a bad excuse. I am pro-pot but cannot enjoy it because of my job,so don't think I am bagging you for smoking. I'm just saying you shouldn't make excuses,and she shouldn't continue to be in your world of its not good for you. Stop communicating with her,and anyone else that brings you down. Man-up,brother. Lots of great wonderful world out there. No need for a negative Nelly to be bagging on you.

 

[HaLo2FrEeEk]

At this point I'm totally for smoking pot, I think it's got a lot of benefits, especially for someone like me, so while I say that the initial choice was "for her" I mean that more in the "I wouldn't have made the choice were it not for being with her." She never forced me to smoke pot, I know I chose that, just like I chose to quit drinking. What gets me is that I knew it was what she wanted, and after the number of times she lied and broke promises over it, shaming me for continuing to do it while she realized why it's bad is just completely messed up.

At this point I'm done with her. I guess I've been done for a while but after she sent me a long scathing message last night just tearing me to shreds, I realized that I'm not gonna get maturity out of her, and I don't need that. I replied to her message, then blocked her on facebook and moved the conversation to the archive so I wouldn't have to see it anymore. I work 11 hours a day 4 days a week at a really good job, all my bills are paid and I have plenty of money in savings, for the first time since we started dating. I'm taking care of my life, while still being able to fully enjoy smoking pot (my job doesn't care as long as you don't rub it in their face). I don't need that kind of negativity anymore.

Thank you all, I appreciate the kind words. Knowing I have a support group, of sorts, is really helpful.