I Made The Hard Choice, Now I Feel Lost...

[prairiepanda]

A couple days ago, I made the choice to euthanize my beloved Princess Jasmine. She had been living with chronic kidney disease for a few years, along with associated complications including several UTIs, a blood infection, acid reflux, constipation, etc. But those things never got her down; she was always excited to face the day every morning and had animated conversations with me, even when she didn't have the strength to walk or the will to eat. She wanted to fight, so I fought too, even when the vets didn't think she would make it, and even when the vet bills dipped into my grocery budget and left me living off spaghetti and oatmeal.

But one day, she stopped fighting. I'm sure whatever problem she had was something treatable, like another UTI. But PJ lost her spark. She wasn't excited to face the day anymore. She was quiet, and avoided eye contact with me. She was almost 19 years old, her weight was down to just 4.4lbs (her healthy weight was only 7lbs, but it was still a big difference for her), and her kidney values had been rising rapidly over the last few months, so I knew that treating her illness would just delay her death rather than prolonging her life. She made it clear to me that she was done, so I let her go.

I did what I could to make her last day positive. I bought all her favorite junk foods (fancy feast, friskies, meow Mix, whiskas), gave her cheese, bacon, fried chicken, and spent the whole day just snuggling and eating tasty food together. Then I had a vet come to our home. I chose a different vet that PJ had never met, because she loves meeting new people, and sure enough she was perked up and excited when he arrived, despite barely moving at all throughout the day.

The euthanasia happened much faster than I expected once the injection was given, which really threw me off, but overall I was happy with the way things turned out for my baby. I have no regrets about the euthanasia, even though it crushed me to lose her, but now that I'm stuck figuring out what to do with all her old things I feel lost.

The days without PJ have been rough. My entire daily routine has been disrupted, and I realize now that I used to talk to PJ more than I talk to my roommates, so the house feels quiet and lonely even when everyone is home. I feel like I don't know how to live without a cat, and I'm hesitant to get rid of all my cat stuff in case I end up finding a new feline friend. Would it be a mistake to hold on to some things? What things would even be appropriate to donate? I feel like a lot of used things wouldn't be very good for donation, but I also feel like throwing things in the trash would be like throwing away part of PJ's life. Would I be doing an injustice to a new cat, bringing it into a house where there has already been an established routine with a different cat? I wouldn't try to fit a new cat into the void left by PJ, but I know it would take time for everyone to adjust and I wouldn't want a new cat to feel like it's failing to meet our expectations...am I over-thinking this??

Also, I have no idea what to do with the big stash of subcutaneous fluids I still have. I thought about selling it on Kijiji or the like, but that doesn't seem like a place people would be looking for medical supplies. I have almost 200 needles, 20 bags of lactated ringers solution along with IV administration sets, and IV pole to go along with it. I really want it to go towards helping another pet, and would happily give it away for free to someone who needs it, but I just don't know how to connect with such people. Any suggestions? (Or, if any forum users here happen to live in the Edmonton area and are in need of these supplies, feel free to PM me)

 

[les26]

I am sorry that you lost your friend, but if she went so quickly after being injected she was really ready to go, but it hurts no matter how long or short we have them, but 19 years is a long life, you did good with her! But it is such a tough thing to have to do, but she was ready to move on and leave her painful Earthly body.

I would keep some of her stuff, throw out what you won't use or donate, it is just her old stuff, not her or her spirit, that can never be discarded. Hang on to some of it, your next kitty (when you are ready) can use some of it I'm sure.

Perhaps call the vet and tell them you have all of that medical stuff, maybe they could lead you in the right direction with it.

But you did a good job with her, sorry to hear that she has left you but only her physical body is gone, her spirit lives with you forever. God Bless.....

 

[di and bob]

It is really much too soon to decide what to do with Princess Jasmine's things, I couldn't bear to look at my little girl's and packed everything up in plastic bags and stored it for a while. It definitely helped to have a clearer head and a better hold on my emotions when I went through it. Your local shelter would gladly accept gently used toys and any food you have left. They may know someone who would gladly take your subQ fluids and equipment. You may want to contact several local vets to ask who could use it, or get on your local radio buy and sell program to donate them. You would be amazed on how many people listen to this.
Jasmine was an important part of your life, she was a friend, someone who would listen to you, and above all brought you unconditional love and happiness. As for a new cat failing to meet your expectations, it depends what expectations you have. Yes, you have an established routine, but a new addition will learn quickly and I can tell you from experience that the distraction a new life's order can bring is very welcome when you are crushed with grief. Don't ever think you can replace Jasmine in your life, she is secure in her place in your heart and she would be the last one to want to deny you happiness. That is all she wants for you, she left you a legacy of love and would be honored for you to pass it on in her name. She taught you what it is to love a cat, and is now a beautiful part of your past. Every new little one in your life will be a new addition to the family, each one precious and unique, and you learn to love them as a mother loves each and every child she brings to the family, as a separate and individual entity.
The bond that ties you to that little girl is spiritual, all love is, so is eternal. Use it and your precious memories to bring you comfort. Keep talking to Jasmine, she will always be close by, she now follows a new path, but it will always parallel yours. Let her love surround you and guide you. Celebrate having her in your life, for knowing her love, it would have been unthinkable to have never known her at all.
My heart goes out to you, I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and keep in touch.......RIP beautiful Princess Jasmine, you will never be forgotten and will always be tenderly held in a loving heart. Goodnight, sleep tight, little Princess!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Princess Jasmine, dream you deep. You left pawprints on someone's heart.

I think that bringing in a cat who desperately needs a loving home would be a wonderful tribute to the love that you gave to and received from your beautiful PJ. You will know when the time is right, and that cat will make its own place very quickly.

Hugs, Darlin. Just...hugs.

 

[gareth]

I wouldn't try to fit a new cat into the void left by PJ, but I know it would take time for everyone to adjust and I wouldn't want a new cat to feel like it's failing to meet our expectations...am I over-thinking this??

Yes. And No.

You're NOT overthinking it because right now you are in grief. You do whatever is right for you to ease the pain where you can. If that means you can't look another cat in the face or even think you will NEVER have another feline companion that's fine. It's your life, and your heart. Be gentle with it.

You ARE overthinking it because no cat will replace PJ. Every cat is unique. Every relationship you have with a cat is distinct. I lost my Eva to the road and was utterly, utterly devastated. I had to take time off work, I stopped eating, I felt completely desolate. When I think about the day I found her it still causes me a moment, even though it's been 4 years. I got two cats within 6 weeks of losing Eva. I thought I had made a terrible mistake. I thought I would never love them. But cat people are cat people, and they got under my skin very fast. Now my little Mia is the love of my life. She'll never replace Eva, but I wouldn't expect her to. Eva couldn't replace Mia.

When YOU feel like you are ready, then there are an awful lot of cats out there that would appreciate a loving and caring home. That might be in six minutes, or six years, only you will know when you can face it. The one piece of of advice I can give you is that it's easy to wallow in grief and think you'll never love again. You will. And there is nothing quite like a cat asking for attention and love to help you et through it. PJ would want you to be happy.

 

[betsygee]

I'm so sorry about Jasmine. I agree with other posters--you'll know when the time is right to bring another kitty into your life.

RIP, little Jasmine.

 

[Purr-fect]

Our little girl passed away 2 years ago, so I can share some relevant experience. I suggest you do not deal with Jasmine's belongings right now. I would gather them up and put them away safely. When you have had time to grieve, then perhaps decide how you want to handle her things.....and you dont even have to deal with all her things at once. We still have some things of "motu's" that I doubt we will ever give up.

As for another cat....I suggest you grieve, come to terms, look after yourself for awhile. You will know when you are ready. When our Motu passed away, we adopted greg and arnold from a family that was leaving the country. We have never been happier, I did not know that a cat like arnold existed, (greg has bonded with my wife).

When one door closes (but not forgotten), another door can open if you let it.

One day at a time.....you will get better.

 

[Hazelnutlove]

Prairiepanda,

Oh we all know that sickening hole and loss you are feeling, but you did SO GOOD by her. How lucky she was to have such a wonderful parent as you. You knew it was time and you paid the ultimate selfless price of letting PJ go.

I'm so upset over things you wrote because I remember that's how I felt after losing my Bean. He was my love, roommate, family and best friend all in one. I understand your "lost" feeling and the disruption to your daily routine. It's so hard, but you will overcome this. It takes a lot of time.

As for me, I got another cat in a week. She was not a replacement and I never ever felt guilt because I'm confident Bean knows he is not replaceable. I, me, needed her as much as she needed me. I was a complete mess when I lost Bean. A new cat was the only thing to "brighten" my day and give me reason to keep going. You do what is best for YOU.

If a new cat gives you purpose, there's millions that need loving homes, and PJ would want you to be happy and give another kitty the chance to be loved unconditionally like she was.

My mother stayed the night at my place the night I lost Bean. I couldn't stand the fact he wasn't there and told her to get his bowls and litter box out of my sight. I never did see what she did with them. I was in complete shock and despair. I was in my own lost lonely world. So I'm thankful she was there.

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. It will get easier, I promise. You gave PJ a wonderful, love-filled life for 19 years.

The way you described things sounds so much like what I felt. I would urge you to at least go look at some shelter cats and see if you find your "savior". That's what I call my Hazel. She brought me back to life. Again, it's not a replacement of PJ. PJ's in a league all her own.

You have a lot of love in your heart. Share your love with another and find a newfound happiness for the both of you.

RIP precious PJ . You will be greatly missed but not forgotten.

 

[prairiepanda]

Thanks, all of you, for your kind and heartfelt words. You've helped me a lot in figuring out my own feelings towards all of this.

We went on a road trip to bring some of PJ's ashes to a glass studio where they will be worked into a custom glass sculpture. I'm still not sure what I want to do with the rest of her ashes, but having looked at and felt the ashes, and knowing that at least some of it will always be safe in the glass sculpture once it's complete, has really helped me to look forward at what my life will be from now on rather than getting caught up on what it's not.

Having done that, I was able to pack up most of PJ's things and bring them to the local humane society. They happened to have 2 cats there in need of sub-q fluids, so they were very grateful for the medical supplies I brought. We visited the adoption gallery while we were there, and I realized that all I really want is to love a cat. I loved every single cat there, and would have gladly brought one home that day. It's not quite time for that yet, but I now feel confident that getting a new cat will be the right thing for me to do. We will hold on to a few of the basic things PJ left behind, such as the litter box and food dishes, so that we will be prepared when the time comes for a new family member to join us

 

[les26]

Thanks, all of you, for your kind and heartfelt words. You've helped me a lot in figuring out my own feelings towards all of this.

We went on a road trip to bring some of PJ's ashes to a glass studio where they will be worked into a custom glass sculpture. I'm still not sure what I want to do with the rest of her ashes, but having looked at and felt the ashes, and knowing that at least some of it will always be safe in the glass sculpture once it's complete, has really helped me to look forward at what my life will be from now on rather than getting caught up on what it's not.

Having done that, I was able to pack up most of PJ's things and bring them to the local humane society. They happened to have 2 cats there in need of sub-q fluids, so they were very grateful for the medical supplies I brought. We visited the adoption gallery while we were there, and I realized that all I really want is to love a cat. I loved every single cat there, and would have gladly brought one home that day. It's not quite time for that yet, but I now feel confident that getting a new cat will be the right thing for me to do. We will hold on to a few of the basic things PJ left behind, such as the litter box and food dishes, so that we will be prepared when the time comes for a new family member to join us

That's wonderful....this brought some tears to my eyes......