I lost my baby Cairo ... my heart is broken ;o(

[pinkkitty24]

Cairo was my 6 yr old male Abyssinian kitty. I've had him since he was 6 months old, and he was an absolute sweatheart ! He loved to be loved, and always wanted to be with me ... 'helping' me in the kitchen, or chasing the icon on the compute monitor while I was trying to work... He was a smart little guy .. I had taught him how to fetch (or more likely, he had taught me !)  and catch balls in the air. He loved his tummy to be rubbed and was always ready to give head butts to anyone that was around. He even knew how to hug !!!!

On December 4, 2012, baby Cairo died.  One minute he was fine .... he had eaten his breakfast and was playing .. and then next minute he was gone.   Cairo never had any health problems, so I had a necropsy done, and it was determined that he died from Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy.

I have done quite a bit of reading up on HCM, enough to know that 'there isnt usually anything that can be done, and cats can die suddenly from this',  however, it doesnt make the guilt I feel any less .. and it seems to be getting worse and worse as the days go by. I've been wracking my brain trying to think back -- if maybe I had missed something .. a symptom.. anything .. that could have saved his life.

To make matters worse (and my guilt so much more unbearable) , about 8 months prior to Cairo's death, he had seen an outdoor cat in my yard, which resulted in him attacking my other 6yr old Aby, Foxy Cleopatra continually (misplaced or intercat aggression) .. each time more violently (definitely not play fighting) .. so I had to separate them.

I consulted a cat behaviourist ("The Cat Whisperer') and spent the next 6 months 'reintroducing' them.

After a few months, the reintroduction would work and my 2 Aby babies would be friends again. And then one little noise would spook Cairo and he would go after FoxyC again and we would be back to square one.

They went through this introduction process at least 4 times .. and each time it would work, but then something would set off Cairo and there would be fighting again. It was devastating to watch .. and as I kept putting them through this 'process', Cairo would get more and more unhappy and agitated .. as Abys hate to be alone .. and having to alternate keeping them separate, it was my only option at that point.

After 7 months of this with no end in sight .. I made the devastating decision to try to find a new home for Cairo .. and I did. I found a wonderful woman who had previously owned an Aby, and she fell in love with Cairo.

She even allowed me to visit him in his new home, and when I did, I knew I had made the best decision for him. Or so I thought.

Cairo was happy and purring and running around, chasing his balls again .... no more stress, and he had the run of the house. He was back to my baby Cairo.

Then, 2 weeks later, Cairo died of HCM.  And its my fault.  Putting poor Cairo through all of the stress of months and months of trying to reintroduce the 2 cats ... then the stress of rehoming him, which I thought was the best decision at the time however, it is now my biggest regret.  How could I abandon poor Cairo like that .. and then he dies ?!?!   I am so devastated and know that I made the worst decision possible for Cairo ... he should have been home with me .... my heart is broken  .. and the guilt gets worse and worse every day ....

How could I have done this to him ???? 

 

[mrblanche]

It sounds to me like you went above and beyond the normal concern for your cats.  You tried everything, did what you thought was best, and then ended up with this devastating result.  Sometimes our best decisions are unsuccessful, through no fault of our own.  I grieve with you for your loss, and I hope the pain will diminish over time.
 

 

[angels mommy]

I'm not familiar w/ what HCM is, But I am very, very sorry for your loss.

 

[mrblanche]

HCM is a congenital heart problem common in certain purebred cats, although it can probably occur in any cat.
 

 

[paula92]

Dearest Pinkkitty-while I may be very new here, I am not new to the concept of grief & have more than my fair share (at least it feels like more than my fair share to me) of experience with it in regards to losing pets. 1st of all, these are just my observations. I'm not a grief pro & I'm not telling you any of this will make you feel better. The loss of pets is part of our human experience and as such must simply be endured. You feel grief and that's normal. IMHO, you went above & beyond in trying to get Cairo to a happy place. Many people in this world don't care about the physical suffering of animals much less the overall quality of their contentment with their "siblings" and their home environment. I think maybe you should give yourself a pass from all the guilt.

Second, although the sudden death of Cairo is very hard on you, we can be pretty sure Cairo did not suffer. Sudden deaths are just that...sudden. I lost a cousin we did not expect to lose this past Monday & while we are all shocked & saddened, I am comforted when I consider that she did not suffer. To me, suffering is the real boogeyman, not death itself.

I imagine the gentle Creator, whom I am convinced loves all His/Her creations, softens the transition between life & death. And while we animal lovers tend to torture ourselves with the "what if's," in truth, we are more humane to our kitties, puppies, ferrets, etc. than many other humans are to each other.

This much I know. It's better to cut loose the guilt and regret but you would do well to sit with the grief awhile. Don't try to lessen it or change it--just sit with it. When you are ready, you can move forward honoring the memory of Cairo as well as having respected the grief you are experiencing yourself.

You are doing a good job. You are a good person. Cairo was a well loved, lucky cat and his death meant something to the world because it means something to you.

Blessings,

Paula92

 

[pinkkitty24]

Thank you everyone for your kind words ... Only pet-lovers understand the devastating loss of a pet

 ..  I think I'm just having such a hard time with Cairo's sudden death because it was so sudden ... one minute he's fine .. and the next he was gone.  And to top it off, he had just been to the vet for his annual check up and vaccines only a month before he died and the vet said 'he was in perfect health' 

 ...  Obviously he was not ... It's just baffling to me that a poor animal could die so suddenly without any symptoms at all ... although I know cats are very good at hiding illnesses ....  Still devastating ....

He was such a sweetheart and I miss him so much ...

 

[jcat]

I'm very sorry for your loss, but please stop torturing yourself with "What if....?" HCM is a progressive disease for which there is no cure. The progress can be slowed with medication, but there's always a point where the meds no longer help. You can't know that Cairo would have lived longer if there had been no stress with Foxy, the reintroductions had gone better or you'd kept him. He didn't suffer and knew what it was to be loved very much. You did what you could, but this dread disease is something that's still beyond our control. Be kinder to yourself and try to concentrate on the memories of the good times with Cairo.

RIP, Cairo.

 

[angels mommy]

HCM is a congenital heart problem common in certain purebred cats, although it can probably occur in any cat.
 

Thanks mrblanche. .. Always learning on this site.

 

[loverly7]

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your post broke my heart.  I know the tendency to feel that horrible guilt, though if you are calm and truly being honest with yourself, you will know deep in your heart you did the best you could and should not feel guilty.  If you would not have found a new home for him, you would be blaming yourself right now that it was the stress of being in the same environment that did it.  You didn't miss any little signs; he was just seen by the vet and had a clean bill of health.  I know, I know, I KNOW how we beat up on ourselves; I do it to myself after losing a beloved furbaby.  You did the best you could do and you did a great job.  You were wonderful with this kitty and did everything you could with his best interests at heart.  Many human children don't know such love and devotion.  You are a wonderful, kind hearted, person and beating yourself up is not the way to treat yourself.  Would you be so hard on anyone else who told you an identical story?  I didn't think so.  Believe me, I do see an irony to me telling you to not beat yourself up and feel all this guilt when I often struggle with the same thing.  But when I am being truly honest with myself, when I am calm, and when I am not completely out of my mind with my grief...I know the truth, that I did the best I could do and gave my babies a wonderful life.  You should believe the same for yourself.  Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.

RIP, baby Cairo.  You are dearly missed.

Hugs,

Amy, Furball in Heaven, Garfield in Heaven, Eclipse, Spooky, & Cutie

 

[di and bob]

Paula92,It's so hard to let go of the guilt, especially when you ARE guilty of causing a death. I know I didn't MEAN to, I would give anything to live that day over. All I did was walk across a street not knowing my little one was following me, I turned just in time to see her killed. Believe me I can't get that vision out of my head. I pray to her and to God to please forgive me, but I can't forgive my self. I know it was a horrible, horrible accident, but I see her little face in my mind and just bawl. Is there any way to get over this guilt?

Pinkkitty24,the loss of Cairo breaks my heart. The only advise I can give is to give it time. It's never over, but it lessens with time.Please accept my condolences, I'll add you to my prayers.Don't blame yourself, there was absolutely nothing you did wrong.You got a clean bill of health from the vet.Cairo knew love, and knew you did the best you could. He'll be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge.
 

 

[pinkkitty24]

Paula92,It's so hard to let go of the guilt, especially when you ARE guilty of causing a death. I know I didn't MEAN to, I would give anything to live that day over. All I did was walk across a street not knowing my little one was following me, I turned just in time to see her killed. Believe me I can't get that vision out of my head. I pray to her and to God to please forgive me, but I can't forgive my self. I know it was a horrible, horrible accident, but I see her little face in my mind and just bawl. Is there any way to get over this guilt?

Pinkkitty24,the loss of Cairo breaks my heart. The only advise I can give is to give it time. It's never over, but it lessens with time.Please accept my condolences, I'll add you to my prayers.Don't blame yourself, there was absolutely nothing you did wrong.You got a clean bill of health from the vet.Cairo knew love, and knew you did the best you could. He'll be waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge.
 

Oh no .. I am so sorry for the loss of your little furrbaby 

  That would be devastating .... but I think any loss of one of our furrbabies is unbelievably difficult to deal with.. It wasnt your fault ... it was truly an accident ... Hopefully this guilt will subside in time .... 

Its been 2 months since I lost Cairo .. and a day doesnt go by that I don't cry over him ...  Its hard not to feel guilty in any circumstance .. but what I put him through the last months of his life, I feel so responsible for his death .. I truly hope you're right ... that we will see our furrbabies again one day 

 

[paula92]

dear di and bob--guilt can be a toughie since it is (i believe) most often tied up with regret. After all, why would you feel guilty about something that you didn't regret? But honestly, regret is something I  feel about things I made active decisions about. Like, I made an active decision to do/say/allow something in my life that I probably should NOT have done/said/allowed. And, of course, regret is something we only feel after things happen. So I guess I have to ask, do you really regret crossing the street? Or was it something you were doing b/c you had to or needed to in order to take care of some bit of human business? No matter how much we love our pets (& truthfully, I prefer them to most human company!) we do have to tend to human business and that human business has to be more important! That's true for the same reason that they tell you on the plane to put your own oxygen mask on b4 you put one on any child you're traveling with--if you don't tend to you, your pets won't be tended to.

So, I said all that tying guilt with regret to say this, I think maybe you should give yourself a pass on the guilt. It might be a good idea though to try to counter your memories of that awful moment with memories of your baby that make you smile. It is not a betrayal of your baby to push the memories of that moment aside! I am a firm believer in the spiritual side of our companion animals (& indeed, all life in this world) & I would bet your baby does NOT hold you accountable. In fact, I would bet my blind kitty's favorite snuggle box that your baby waits at the rainbow bridge wondering why the heck you're beating yourself up so! Death probably does not have a stigma for them the way it does for us! Remember, they accept things so much better than we do; they're an inspiration in that regard! So, every time you find yourself remembering that moment, consciously decide to stop & remember a good & loving moment w/ your baby (sorry, don't know gender). Don't expect the guilt to go away immediately. It'll take time. But as you take charge of your memories, you can also work on self-forgiveness (which is another topic for another post).

I wish you blessings & love. I understand about the guilt. My dear rottie, Dieter, had cancer & I didn't know until the night he actually died. I tortured myself for awhile about his suffering until I started the process I'm recommending to you. It worked for me. Eventually. And I had to practice more than just this one time. We're human. We require multiple opportunities to learn lessons :-/

I'm not a professional counselor or social worker or psychologist--I've just endured loss, grief & suffering, ya know, the usual human condition and I just want to offer what insights I have to try to comfort my online friends & fellow pet lovers. Thank you, genuinely, thank you for letting me offer it to you.

Be as gentle with yourself as you were with your little one...

Paula92

 

[david's steph]

Pinkkitty24, I am so sorry for the loss of your young[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]  Cairo, I too recently lost my young cat,  I so understand how you feel. [/font]My thoughts are with you..

[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif](I included the quote below from paula92, because it is so beautiful and expresses my innermost prayers for all leaving this Earth)[/font]

 

[angels mommy]

paula92,

How beautifully put.

 

 

 

 

[my4llma]

cat20sorry20for20your20loss.jpg

• my4llma
• Feb 2, 2013

Cairo

 

[pinkkitty24]

Pinkkitty24, I am so sorry for the loss of your young[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]  Cairo, I too recently lost my young cat,  I so understand how you feel. [/font]My thoughts are with you..

[font=arial, helvetica, sans-serif](I included the quote below from paula92, because it is so beautiful and expresses my innermost prayers for all leaving this Earth)[/font]

I am so sorry for the loss of your furbaby as well. It seems so much more difficult and the pain that much stronger when we lose them so young.

I hope the purrbabies are all playing together at the RainbowBridge

Paula92 ....

Very well said.  I just wish my heart could see logic at this point ...

 

[pinkkitty24]

Its now been 2 months since I lost my baby Cairo, and Foxy (my remaining Aby girl) is not doing well as an 'only child'

I know she is grieving as well, as she has been with Cairo since she was 2 months old ... and, although half of his size, she was the boss .. always chasing him and jumping on him while he was completely unaware .. and he totally accepted her being the boss.

Now without him, she seems lost.  I am trying to play with her more and spend more time with her ... but she's spending more time under the bed, and I've found her sitting in the middle of a room, just staring into space.  Its just devastating .... I feel so awful for her.  And I know it doesnt help that I am still having daily meltdowns, as cats feed off of our emotions  ... but I dont know how to help her at this point .... as Im having a hard time even dealing with it myself

Today was not a good day .. for the second time this week ... I was down in the basement and Foxy -- who NEVER goes into the basement (the furnace,etc. freak her out) was down there ... in the spot that Cairo used to sit.  Because I dont expect her to be down there ... I thought it was Cairo, and burst into tears ...

When is this pain ever going to subside ... even just a little !?

Then as I'm cleaning the living room .. I was fixing the sofa cushions and 2 of Cairo's little glitter balls (his favourite toy  -- he would chase and fetch and catch for hours) fell out .... and again with the tears ....

I miss him so much .. I hope he's OK at the Rainbow Bridge 

 

[amysvi]

So sorry about your kitty,  I just lost my little guy too.  Its so hard, my thoughts are with you.

 

[mimi3908]

Very sorry for your loss. FYI, normal routine vet visits usually wouldn't uncover potential HCM problems. You would need to tell the vet to do a sonogram to check for potential HCM. I had it done for one of my cats after I learned her 2 year old passed away from HCM. I would never had thought about getting a sonogram for my kitty until I was told it would be prudent to do so by people who know more about HCM, so you can't blame yourself for not doing enough because you probably weren't aware of the hereditary problem to begin with. And even after finding the problem, it is difficult to cure. My understanding is cats of the maine coon breed are most susceptible to HCM. I'm reminded now to monitor my kitty more closely. Again, very sorry for your loss.

 

[cindy29]

So very sorry to hear of your loss, I to know how it feels to loose a beloved cat. I lost my darling Millie-Moppet in Oct. 2011. I've got her ashes. We had her for 14 years and was heart-broken when we had to have her put to sleep. So my thoughts are with you, I know exactly how you must be feeling right now. .Kind regards, Cindyxx