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I Just Have To Let It Out. We Love You, Berlioz♥️

feefifomannahannah

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Jul 25, 2017
3
3
Los Angeles, CA
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I'm 16 years old and live with my mom and little 11-year-old brother, Jackson. When our dad left, it hurt us real bad, especially Jackson, who's the most reserved. We decided to get him a little kitten to care for and help us through this difficult time we were facing.
Here comes Berlioz, the shy Tortie who we fell in love with immediately. Our dogs loved her too. She was so playful and sweet and patient, and very funny. Jackson saw her as his own and loved her so so much. I'm sobbing as I'm typing this because just the other day, after only a few months of love, we didn't check under the car. We always have, and she was never there, but we wanted to be careful. The one day we forgot, it was so bad. My mom was backing out of the driveway and we heard something.
WARNING, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION
Jackson started screaming and crying and asking "who was it who was it what happened" and my mother was in an absolute state of shock, wailing and clutching the convulsing dark kitten. There was so much blood but I was the only one who was able to assess the situation. Berlioz was flying around in the air, spazzing, and I held her down and opened her mouth and stroked her head, then she was gone in a few seconds after I calmed her twitching. It was so bad, she was so little. Thank god Jackson stayed in the car, but he saw the blood and saw her face afterwards. He asked me why eyes looked like that when they die. My mom cried and held Berlioz in her arms sobbing that she was so sorry. I got a towel and her crate, and tucked her in. Jackson was angry and sad, he was screaming and punching things and it was so bad. I couldn't leave them in a mess like this. I helped my mom to the shower and got my brother some water, and I left the crate on the porch, right where she loved to hang out. I got to work cleaning the car and the driveway. Of course, many people slowed down as they were driving by and giving me strange looks, wondering why a teenage girl was cleaning up such an ugly mess. My best friend came over and took me and Berlioz to the vet. We're getting her ashes in two weeks.
My mother and I were never cat people. Berlioz was our first, and we were so lucky to have her. She brought so much joy into the house. She would watch me paint and would bat at my paint brushes. She'd sit on Jackson's shoulders as he played video games. She'd sit patiently next to the dishes, watching my mom clean up. She'd rub up to the dogs. She'd make toys out of everything, and would chirp and meow in excitement at everything. She always put a smile on our faces and was oh so special to us.
We're going to see our therapist tomorrow.
Jackson is sleeping next to me with an old stuffed animal wearing Berlioz's collar. He got mad whenever my mom or I touched it or held it wrong. He'd yell, "don't touch her!"
I just heard him whisper to it "Goodnight, Berlioz" and my heart broke.
I love him so much. I want to help him heal.
I grieve quickly (I've gotten serious about becoming a surgeon someday, yet everyone was still shocked with how I handled the situation) and I've come to terms with the fact that there's nothing I can do to turn back time and bring her back, I also understand that everyone deals with death differently.
Hours after Berlioz died, Jackson was already on the internet looking at cat videos and finding kittens in need of a home. I think it's too soon, but I don't want to anger him. I also don't want to be unfair to the new kitten.
God. I know we're not the only family that has experienced this, but that doesn't make it any less painful. I just want to help my brother. He's devastated and lonely, and my mom and I are traumatized. We can't sleep or eat, my mom refuses to step outside, she tells me she can still feel Berlioz's body in her arms. And she imagines the pain Berlioz felt in her last seconds. I can still smell the blood and the bleach and get flashbacks of her disfigured face. God.
I understand time will heal.
The house is so dark without a playful little kitten. Even the dogs are unusually quiet and reserved. I keep rewatching the videos I have of Berlioz on my phone. She loved the camera.
My dad was also recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. It's just so many bad things happening, one after the other.
How can I help my brother cope? Write a letter to Berlioz and dad? Order a custom plushie kitty for him to snuggle? When would it be too soon to get a new companion for my brother? I know there's a lot of controversy on getting a new pet, but Jackson is a smart kid and understands that loved ones are irreplacable.
Also, considering the circumstances at home, it'd help him so much. He's only 11, his dad has 14 months, and I'm leaving for college in a year.
When we were little, our mom was sick and could barely leave the house. I took care of him. He's so much more than just my baby brother.
I want to surprise him with a new baby, definitely a light colored male so he sees no resemblance to Berlioz. Thoughts?

I don't know.. we're all just very sad. I'm worried for my mom and Jackson. We miss her more than words can describe. I'm not very religious, unlike my family, but I hope she's up there squealing with joy and romping around in the clouds chasing and exploring everything. I hope she visits my brother in his dreams and I hope I see her again.

I'm so so glad Berlioz came into our lives. She helped us so much. I never thought I could love a kitty like this.

Berlioz, our little angel.
We love you so♥✨
 

les26

Sylvester's daddy
Top Cat
Nov 19, 2015
1,483
2,559
Emmaus, Pennsylvania
I am so sorry that you had to experience this horrible tragedy, bad things can happen in a matter of seconds as you found out, and when tragic things like this happen it is devastating and will take a long time to get over, I had Sebastian die in my arms awhile back when I came home from work one day and that took about 1.5 years to fully get over, but you have to deal with it each and every day, you and your family have to grieve and whatever emotions come out let them, if you are sad cry, if you are mad be mad, if you feel down that's okay, if you remember something she did funny laugh, whatever you feel just feel, and going to a therapist is very helpful especially for your brother and mother who feels horrible that "she did it", but it was just a horrible accident and sometimes these very bad things just happen.

You all will know when the time is right to adopt another kitty in need, you will just know. But right now this all has to play out and settle down, and I'm sure that with time things will slowly get better, your mom will not feel so guilty and your brother will move on away from the bad feelings too, but it will take time and patience.

And they are both lucky to have such a mature person like you at 16 years old, I can just tell by the way that you wrote your story that you are mature for your age and will do well in school. And I am so sorry about your father, that is an awful lot of bad things to have to deal with at once, but the therapist, time and God will help you all with that too.

I am so very sorry this happened to you all, but with time things will slowly get better. God Bless......:alright: :grouphug:
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Dec 12, 2012
9,718
10,048
Nebraska, USA
Your brother is at the age when he is just now realizing the permanence of death. What death means. I, too, went through a tragic experience just as your family has, I walked across the street and did not know my beloved Chrissy was following......the first few weeks are unbearable, it is ALL you think of, it comes back again and again. Time is truly the only thing that helps, you learn to cope and too live with the tragedy because it is all you can do. You cannot change the past, no matter what you want and need. Your mom, everyone needs to understand... IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. No one would EVER do anything intentional to hurt that beautiful little girl. Intention is needed to take blame, there was no intention so do not lay this tragic accident on your soul. I know it is almost impossible, I've been there. But you MUST keep busy and try not to dwell on that tragic end. It does absolutely nothing but bring heartache and grief to go over all the could haves and should haves. That sweet little girl would NEVER want to bring such grief and sadness to those she loved so very much. She would want for you to go on with your lives and find happiness once more, as you would want for her. Do good in her name, bring honor to that little girl by donating your time, or food and litter to your local shelter. It makes you feel better about yourself. I pay for the adoption of the cat that has been there the longest to give them a chance at happiness several times a year. I do it in my little girl's name.
Go out and bring home another little one to fill your time and banish the sorrow from your home. Get two. It does help to keep your mind occupied. It is not too soon. Berlioz would insist on it. She taught you how to open your heart, do not close that heart now. As a mother can love many children, each one is unique and precious, it will help to fill your time with happiness, not sorrow, just as Berlioz wants for those she loves above all else.
I feel heartbroken that your family has to go through what I have lived through. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But you all have to learn that the bond you share with that sweet little girl will never leave you, it is eternal because it is spiritual. She will follow your life's path until one day it crosses again. Hug your mother, time is the only thing that will soften the sharp edges of her grief. You all need each other right now, thank you for sharing your grief with those who understand. You are very brave to have done what you did. But you knew it had to be done and you took control of your emotions. You comforted Berlioz at the end, you did what you could. You will be blessed for that. You can do anything you want with your life, I know you will. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, please keep us updated on how things are going, it definitely helps to get things out. Take care.......RIP beautiful Berlioz, you were so lucky to have this family to love you in life, now they will forever hold you in loving hearts. Please send what comfort you can to the broken hearts that miss you so much. Sleep tight, little Princess!
 

Mamanyt1953

Rules my home with an iron paw
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Oct 16, 2015
20,441
27,991
Havelock, North Carolina
Rest you gentle, Berlioz, dream you deep. You walk in your family's hearts forever.

It may be that your brother needs the distraction of another kitten (or two) to help his heart mend. We all grieve differently. I know of at least one member on here who found herself with another kitten very quickly, and that kitten has been a saving grace in her life, not replacing, but making a new place and easing the pain. But this is something your family must decide together. My heart is with you all.
 
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feefifomannahannah

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Jul 25, 2017
3
3
Los Angeles, CA
Everyone is so kind. Thank you all so much.
My mother and Jackson are doing a lot better! We got to talk about everything in therapy.
Jackson has decided to wait a while before getting a new kitten to honor Berlioz's life. I'm glad about that, because my therapist pointed out that if he's already looking for some substitute to smother his grief, well.. what would he do when our dad passes?
Again, thank you all. This is such a nice community of feline lovers and I'm looking forward to exploring the forum.
None of my friends really understand what it feels like and wouldn't know what to say. But really, talking about something and time will heal a whole lot. :)
 

les26

Sylvester's daddy
Top Cat
Nov 19, 2015
1,483
2,559
Emmaus, Pennsylvania
Everyone is so kind. Thank you all so much.
My mother and Jackson are doing a lot better! We got to talk about everything in therapy.
Jackson has decided to wait a while before getting a new kitten to honor Berlioz's life. I'm glad about that, because my therapist pointed out that if he's already looking for some substitute to smother his grief, well.. what would he do when our dad passes?
Again, thank you all. This is such a nice community of feline lovers and I'm looking forward to exploring the forum.
None of my friends really understand what it feels like and wouldn't know what to say. But really, talking about something and time will heal a whole lot. :)
Glad that you are all feeling a bit better, and you are right, talking it out and time DO heal, although some people have a hard time talking about their feelings, they keep it inside but grief HAS to come out some way! And when the time is right you will know when to get another kitty, you will just know.

And please stick around on here, this is a WONDERFUL site with some wonderful people who helped me out when Sebastian was sick and then after he died in my arms, and can help in many ways in the other threads too.

And again, you speak and write so elegantly for one so young, much better than most grown ups I know lol!!!

Stay around here, it is a great place for those who love cats, even grown men like me!!
 

solomonar

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Jan 13, 2017
679
432
Romania
Once upon a time, in the vast Kingdom of Cats who walk by themselves, there was a kitty, who loved to travel much more than any other cats in this large World and in that huge Kingdom of Cats.

Only Cats live in The Kingdom of Cats, which is pretty evident, I may say. There is plenty of couches to scratch (and nobody to tell the cats to stop) and a lot of trees to climb. And the Trees have hands to help little kitties to get back to the grass when they a climb to high. In one word, there is a world of happiness. At least one may evaluate the kingdom in this way, despite some lacks of democracy (not all kitties have equal access to milk pot).

However, our little kitty loved so much to travel. For the little tortie, travelling is the sense of Life. Needless to say that the Kingdom of Cats, no matter how beautiful it might be, has very few things to discover. So, the little tortie was un-happy in the Kingdom.

The King of Cats saw her suffering (for the King of Cats has four eyes, so when he sleeps, only a pair of eyes are closed, the other point to his beloved citizens). He command Kitty to come to have a little discussion (cat-to-cat, you know).

The King is so merciful and compassionate, he rented an Aerial Cat Car to help Kitty to travel. All over the Kingdom of Cats. The Cat Car had whiskers and cat-ears, and moved by fat milk instead of gas. The Kitty ranged over the entire Kingdom on the Cat Car. But this proved to be very boring, for the Kingdom is soooo lovely but nobody to help.

The Kitty ordered to the Car to land on Earth, and stay around while Kitty is visiting the Humans and the merciless Trees and the merciless human cars (which has no whiskers to feel and avoid cats).

Kitty found two little humans and play with them, Cats-and-humans games. And they were all very happy. To the point Tortie started to miss her Cat Kingdom. No matter how boring the Kingdom is, there is no place like home, right? Kitty were patrolling around, when she got injured and went to vet. Human Cars are not like Cats Cars, remember? Nobody is guilty for this inherent difference. So the vet helped Kitty to find her Cat Car and send it back to the Kingdom of Cats. To remember kitty, part of her fur went to fire and the ashes was sent to kitty human friends to remember her.

Remember, we are all - humans and cats alike- made in dust of stars. And all stars were were back in the past humans, or cats, or dogs, or flies or trees.

So try to discover on the sky what is the star of Kitty, to which she speaks from the Kingdom of Cats, and which will answer to your questions in your dream. Or when you will look to the star, with heart full of Love.
 
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