I feel so guilty...

[nicolina]

It's been almost a week since my baby, my first cat, my love, Malte, was euthinized at home. He's been suffering from CKD for a while and he recently took  a turn for the worse...

I gave him the weekend to get better, but he didn't. There was nothing I could do. The thing is I feel really guilty. He was sooo cuddly even at the end. The only thing that was different is that he didn't go to the litterbox (not outside either), wouldn't eat his normal food and walked a little wobbly sometimes. I had two veterinarians tell me that it was the best thing to do for him, but I just miss him so much.

Malte was my birthday present when I turned thirteen and he's been the love of my life ever since! He was my beautiful prince that made my life worth living. When my depression got really bad, he was my reason not to leave. When I was struggling with my sexuality, he made me feel loved. I don't know how I'm supposed to live without him...

If it wasn't for my girlfriend I'm not sure I would've made it through the week, but I can't shake the feeling that I made the wrong decision.

We only got nine years and two weeks. You left way to soon. 

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• nicolina
• Jan 8, 2015

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• nicolina
• Apr 28, 2014

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• nicolina
• Apr 19, 2015

 

[Columbine]

I'm so sorry It's always so hard to say goodbye, and that much harder to make the decision. There's always 'what if' and 'if only'. You gave him the best he could ever have asked for, and euthanasia at home is the kindest possible end for a dying cat. You let him die with dignity, and before his quality of life was taken away.

You did the right thing. No question. A peaceful and dignified death is the final gift we can give to our animals - and I do believe it is a gift, albeit the saddest and most heartbreaking one possible.

Mourn for him, but celebrate his life too, and keep hold of the joy you brought to each other.

Rest in peace, gorgeous boy

 

[dalimili18]

So sorry for your loss. But believe me I can understand you, as many others here can.

Your feelings of guilt are not any different from the ones that most of us had.

I am still dealing with my share of guilt, I was with my baby whole night and early morning, through what was a very, very mild case of epilepsy which was unnoticed for hours so in the end he died of it, and I didn't take him to the vet that night... I felt such horrible guilt I would give everything, really, everything to be able to change that.

But you know what... it took me weeks (and I am still getting over it as it has been only 6 weeks from his death) to realize that things happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason is spotted immediately, sometimes it takes time... but for whatever reason, your baby had to leave you the way he did and you had to do the part that you did.

Never forget how many days, weeks, months and years you had together. Yes, he was your first. I was 21 when I brought my baby boy in my life. Today I am 35. He was my first cat, and he was also my friend, my family, so I do understand and feel your pain at the moment.

Don't fear, the guilt will start leaving in several weeks, you will start missing him even more, your tears and pain will become so raw and intense, but don't fear, just let it all out. Talk about him, write about him, draw him, do whatever just to let all your feelings out.

They say it gets better with time... sure we will still cry over the loss in coming months, but somehow we will learn to build our life around it, never forgetting them...

I wish you all the best...

 

[nurseangel]

What a sweet cat.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Please take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

[catsknowme]

 Condolences on losing your precious boy! It is very normal to second-guess such a final decision but any doubt will only cause you anguish, even when it is the correct one! Please know that the others here are correct - you did the right thing. You gave dear Malte the gift of a dignified, HUMANE passing - death will come to all of us but an easy one is the most any of us could wish for. I am very glad that you have your girlfriend for support and comfort. Please know that the rest of us at TCS understand what you are going through and you can PM any of us any time! Sending you prayers and vibes for healing and comfort - someday your thoughts of Malte will bring smiles amid tears, eventually only smiles, but be easy on yourself now - grief follows no set time or plan - sometimes the heart will feel healed and then suddenly, the pain comes back, just like a piece of broken glass...when that happens, remember "this too shall pass". Take Care, Susan

 

[di and bob]

Sometimes the loss feels like more then we can bear, but remember, he was there with you for all those years when you needed him the most, and then when he needed you the most you were able to return his love by ending the pain and suffering that was to come and the future without a cure. It's perfectly normal to go through the doubts and the guilt, it is the first step towards healing.You would have truly suffered if you would have made him die in pain and suffering, this way he was able to feel your love and devotion and know you did what was right. The house and your life will feel so empty now, you have suffered a great loss, allow yourself to mourn what was so important to you and the loss of someone you held so dear to your heart. The huge hole in your heart will slowly heal with time, it is the only thing that helps. Remember the good times as he would want, try not to dwell on the bad. Celebrate what he gave you and know that as long as you live his memory will be alive in your heart and soul. Take care, be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with compassionate people who understand your grief. My heart goes out to you, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. RIP beautiful Malte. your sweet face will never be forgotten!

 

[nicolina]

@Columbine  @Dalimili18  @nurseangel  @catsknowme  @Di and Bob  

Thank you everyone 

I know that letting a cat with CKD pass on its own is not humane. The pain, among other things, is just too much. 

He was all I had not so long ago.. Now I have my three other babies and my girlfriend and without them I wouldn't be able to get through this.

And now I have you to add to that list, so thank you!

 

[my4llma]

SorryForYourLoss3

• my4llma
• Apr 9, 2015

Beautiful Malte 

 

[jcat]

I'm very sorry for your loss. As others have posted, it's normal to second-guess your decision to help him pass, but you gave him the last gift of love - an easy, painless crossing. He'll live on in all your fond memories of him, and your life is all the richer for the shared experiences. RIP, Malte.

 

[merstockgto]

You should not feel guilty about putting Malte down as it was the last thing you could do to show you loved him so much. We have had to put 3 of our kitties down since 2000 and I know how it hurts and how much you miss Malte. He was sick and nothing more could be done for him. Just cherish the precious time you had together keep him in your memory. I am so sorry as I know how it feels.  Hang in there.
 

 

[mdaisy]

You should not feel guilty about having Malte put down. It is the most loving thing you can do for any pet you own that's suffering. Guilt though is part of the grieving process, at least for me, and during my darkest days I try to focus on the positive things I shared with my fur baby.

I also light a candle for my fur babies who've crossed the Rainbow Bridge. I go to Gratefulness.org and light a candle and say a silent prayer for my fur baby that's crossed.

Hope this helps,

MA

 

[Kat0121]

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was a very handsome boy. It's completely normal to second guess yourself when this happens. It's human nature to do so. What you did was an act of pure selflessness. You put his needs before your own wants. We all want them to stay with us forever but unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. You had many years of love and friendship together and you didn't let him suffer unnecessarily. He appreciates that. He's free of any pain now and I have no doubt that you'll see him again one day when the time is right. The bonds we share with the animals we love is no different than the bonds we share with the people we love. They are too strong to be broken by anything, including death. RIP Malte.

 

 

[snugglecat]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers go out to you during this difficult time.

RIP Malte

 

[mnm]

gave me tears...I'm so sorry for your loss and like others have mentioned...a lot of us have been in your shoes... we also euthanized at home and I hope it was as peaceful for your Malte as it was for our Min. It's so hard...there are so many things that happen during the routine of your day that kitty is simply a part of. You will lessen in sadness and gain in smiles one day ... it will get better.

 

[riley1]

Of all the things I feel guilty about with my beloved cat putting him to sleep is not one of them.  It is so hard on us to let them go but we are doing the best for them. To allow anymore suffering would not be an act of love.  Your doing this for him was a great act of love & very brave.  He is probably playing in the sunshine now with old & new friends telling them what a great parent he had & how you were there for him at the end. Take care.