I don't want to say goodbye

[the3rdname]

My big beautiful boy, Rumi, passed away early this morning. He was only 2.5 years old. He'd had Immune Mediated Hemolytic Anemia and had been stable for over a year on DepoMedrol and Cyclosporine, and then things suddenly went downhill in August and he was hospitalized, given a transfusion, and returned home in fair health. We added a chemo drug, Leukeran, to his regimen and had some problems working out an ideal schedule, but finally figured out that every third day did the trick. He was getting better, HCT was normal, he looked like he was going to recover. Then his color started becoming erratic and his appetite wasn't up to its usual robust standard. He had a CBC and the numbers were excellent, we figured he was on so many immunosuppressants that side-effects were catching up with him. Another CBC and the numbers were excellent again. His vet was mystified and said he might need to see a cardiologist. That was Wednesday. This morning he was in rough shape and I was grabbing his medicines, getting him ready to go to the emergency hospital when he suddenly died. 

He was unwell last night and we could've gone then, but his symptoms mimicked side-effects he's gotten from Leukeran before and I thought, let's see if he's improved by morning and I'll know what to do then. 

Someone is coming to pick him up later today for cremation and right now he looks so peaceful. I keep imagining that I hear him breathe, see his chest move, but I know he's gone. I'm not ready for him to be gone. I want him to come back to me. It all feels so surreal. I lost his sister in February to CRF (she was born with underdeveloped kidneys) and I was just starting to feel like I had regained my footing, and now this. 

I keep stroking his fur, smelling it, kissing him. I don't know how to let him go. I fought so hard every day for almost his entire life to keep him alive and I'm not ready to let him go.

 

[les26]

I am very sorry to hear of the loss of both your kitties, and can completely understand how you feel. When one of ours passes, we hold them, kiss them, talk to them, relive funny stories of things that they did, we cry, and finally we take them to the vet to have them cremated. 

No matter how short or long we have them we feel it is never enough time.....he is on to the next life now, no longer needing any medicine or in any discomfort, and you will see him again someday down the line.

God Bless.....

 

[hellomisskitty]

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Rumi. Not only was his time with you far too short but it also comes too soon after the passing of his sister. Rumi knew how heroically you fought for him and he loves you for all you did for him but he was ready for a life free from his pain and discomfort. Rumi is now with his sister over the Rainbow Bridge and is running free. Please take comfort in knowing that he is at peace. He would want that for you.

[emoji]128149[/emoji]RIP big, beautiful Rumi[emoji]128149[/emoji]

 

[Primula]

Rumi left on his own terms. He did not want you to suffer more by having him euthanized. He was ready to join his sister. He would not want you not to think of his last day, but, rather, all the good days you had together.

 

[margd]

I am so very, very sorry to hear about Rumi.  Losing him must be devastating, especially when you are still recovering from the loss of his sister.  It is always so hard when they are young, too.  You gave him a good home for his short life, though, and undoubtedly extended his life so he could enjoy his love with you a little longer.  Try to get some comfort from knowing you did absolutely everything you could for him.  Someday, I hope you will also be able to laugh over the happy memories.  For now, take as long as you need to grieve.  Wishing you the best.

RIP Sweet Rumi 

 

 

 

[zed xyzed]

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry he left for his next journey. He was obviously  loved dearly and I am certain he knew how much he meant to you and how much he was loved. Rumi you will always be loved 

 

[les26]

I also remember what a woman who worked with us trapping cats said after Skipper died this past Summer at 7 years old, "it is better to have had a good short life than a bad long one", and that is true in this case with him being so young.

 

[cataan]

It's okay to be sad -- you loved him and he loved you -- but always know that you did not cause the disease, you did the best you could for him, and his death was ultimately out of your control.  You extended his life longer than many people would have, and that shows how kind and compassionate you are.  So, in my honest opinion, while you should be sad that your friend is gone, you should also be proud of yourself.

 

[di and bob]

That sweet boy was so lucky to have you in his life. You gave him time that he wouldn't have had, and this was time filled with love and caring. It's not fair that he left you, especially after such a valiant fight and everything seemingly going well, but nothing in life is certain and you did all you could to give him the time he had. I will never understand why the ones so loved are taken from us, but then I understand that none of us know how much time is left with any of our loved ones and we must treasure the time we are spending with them now. The pain of loss is equal to the amount of love, so the blow to your heart is great with the loss of one so sweet and brave. Know that he would never want you to be so sad, he was a fighter and wants you to be too. His love is such that he wants only happiness in your life, not to waste a single moment on sadness and grief. But grieve you musty because the hole left in your heart will take a long time to heal and will always leave a scar. He was in your life for a reason, to show you love. He shared your life's journey for a little while, and though his path has taken another direction, it will always parallel yours until it joins again. Do not dwell on the end but celebrate knowing that boy and what he meant to you and your family. It is a tragic time in your life right now, but not knowing him at all would have been a far greater loss.

Do not be afraid to open your heart once again, those two taught you what it meant to be loved and to give it in return, it would honor them greatly for you to love again in the future. Like a mother with many children, it is different, but it creates a welcome distraction from your grief, and focuses your attention on the future, not the past. Along with time, it would help you to feel better about yourself and the world you live in, don't let your sadness prevent you from fully living again. Without joy and love in our lives we are not truly living at all. Sadness and grief have their part in our lives, but they must be allowed to remain in the past, while we go forward into the future and begin a new life's order once again.  

My heart cries for what you are going through, I pray you will take comfort in your precious memories and the knowledge that he is at peace now, no more poking and prodding and all those meds. He is free to run again, healthy and whole, and will send his love to you along that bond you formed for the rest of your life. That bond is seared into your soul and will never be taken from you, use it to tell him how much he is loved and missed. His sister and he are together once again and will send their joyous gratitude for such a wonderful life on the rays of light that shines forth from their stars that shine so bright in the heavens above. I'll pray for all of you, know that you are not alone in your grief, we understand what you are going through and want to share that burden that weighs so heavy on your soul. Take care and surround yourself with those that love you. RIP beautiful Rumi, you will never be forgotten and will always be held in a loving heart. Send what comfort you can to the one you love so very much!

 

[amyjosworld]

I just lost my Lou boo 4 days ago. What a big hole they leave behind. I feel your loss. The harder we try to keep them alive the more it hurts. So sorry. I know that doesn't help but I truly am sorry.