I don't understand what happened, CKD cat, is it my fault?

[catlover477747]

Apologies in advance, I'm crushed over how our kitty died and I don't know what I did wrong so this is a bit rambling.

I was taking care of my rescue kitty for only 3 months and he was diagnosed with acute on CKD. Did everything to help him, subQ, kidney food, IV treatment, a feeding tube toward the end. We thought he had a month or so left as he really improved with the feeding tube, but...his creatinine was 1200 (although it had finally plateaud). He was a bundle of energy and managed well. The vet mentioned he had high blood pressure which was last up to 180/120. They didn't mention any treatment, just it was to be expected. Vets said he would get malaise, start to vomit, and we wouldn't be able to keep tube feedings down. That's how we would know it was his time to go. He was on eprex injections but recently (around 1.5 weeks ago had Darbepoetin).

On Monday he was truly constipated and we took him to vet for enema since he would vomit trying to pass stool and was constantly attempting to go. We recently switched then from Peg powder to lactulose. After the enema he was better but later we noticed rapid breathing but it was not laboured. We were concerned as he goes outside usually, he might shake a bit from cold, we take him in a warm him up with heat blankets and he would be fine. But he was shaking inside as well. On Wednesday we were truly concerned and the vet said to come in for chest Xrays to make sure he wasn't over-hydrated. These were fine, vet noticed the trembling but no recommendations were made. We did make arrangements for a few days to put him to sleep if his condition dind't get better. He was vomiting a little bit even on the car ride home which was super unusual. He was also drooling a tiny bit.

He hadn't had a lot of food (around 10ml) that day so I gave him 20ml of food. He wasn't gagging, just shaking. He kept the food down for 2.5 hours but he was drooling so much, shaking, hanging his head in a pair of shoes. Truly miserable. My partner touched him and he basically projectile vomited a bit up. Let him be for another bit of time, until he looked up at me and meowed. He recovered a bit and we tried to pet him and console him, he purred for a bit but couldn't get comfortable. He was on our laps but then had to be on the floor. He was constantly adjusting, standing up, lying back down, flapping his tail. He didn't make any sound (he wasn't particularly vocal). His breathing rate was around 100/minute. The day before it was 66/minute.

The drooling stopped for a bit, we carried him into the bedroom and he immediately went under the bed (unusual). We tried getting him comfortable in bed, on our laps, he elected to lie on the floor. We gave him the recommended dose of Bup in case pain was causing this. But nothing really changed except he had more trouble walking.

I watched him trying to figure out why he couldn't settle. He was doing a repetitive movement, he would look up -> see me, blink with recognition, put his head in my hand to sleep. Then the base of his tail would twitch and he would look up in confusion, recognize me, and repeat. He got into a cubby in his cat tree and was turning around. I stayed up until around 2am, I couldn't sleep hearing his movement was making me panic. I went to another room to get 4 hours of sleep as I was planning to work in the morning and I wanted to be somewhat together in case kitty needed me to be strong. My husband was in the room with kitty so if anything major happened, kitty wasn't alone. I thought kitty's bum hurt from the enema, maybe more constipation and he would be OK.

I woke up at 6AM suddenly but don't remember if I heard anything at all. I come in immediately see kitty in the cubby with his head down in the small blanket I left. He stirs, moves his head up I think he is OK, he was able to settle and sleep in the end. But then, he doesn't recognize me, he scurries back into the cubby and growls, hisses, screams at me. He screams at our shadows. He screams hearing our noises in the other room as we desparately call the on-call vet. We feel this is the end but it's not how they said it would be at all. We are to get him out of the cubby and get him into a box. We wrap him in a blanket and see he's wet himself and it's all the way up his tummy and I am heartbroken. How could I sleep through this?

He's in the box growling and the next part I don't understand in any way. His head slowly moves up and down (he is lying on his side). The base of his tail is still spasming. The movements repeat, it's like he is in a trance. We give him more pain killers more gaba as the vets recommend. But this movement doesn't stop. He somewhat recognizes me, I tidy him, rewrap him in towels a fresh blanket, put a heat pad. I suggest to the vets he had a seizure, I don't know know what is happening, they know about this kidney disease, they don't seem surprised?

24hours before he was snuggling, walking outdoors, purring. How could this happen so quickly? Is it because I gave him too much food? Is it because we didn't press the vet about fixing his blood pressure? He had chest xrays that day, why couldn't they have seen something this bad was happening? Was it the Darbepoetin? Did he have too much cerenia? Why was he drooling? Why was he moving like this? How could I have left him alone?

The guilt is so difficult. I want a vet to tell me what happened but they're not giving me any clues. I wanted to save him but did I do something wrong and caused him more suffering? Today was sunny and he didn't get to experience this. I feel so guilty. Did anyone hear about this kind of thing? I searched Tanya's CKD website and found nothing like this. It felt like such a violent end, even though the emergency vets made a house call and did such a good job. I am crushed. Any perspective is helpful, I just want to understand, I can't have it be a mystery. I loved him so much.

 

[thanatos0042]

I had a cat, with a weird cat problem and I posted about it here. He would lose his body heat. vet's couldn't figure out the problem and one day he did that same thing he would always do, except this time he had a seizure while doing it and passed in my arms. He was loving on me and normal and 10 minutes later, he was gone.

As I suffer from CKD too, I understand what it does to a body. It makes you tired, it makes you hurt, it affects you in so many ways that sometimes you just can't relate it very well to the people who are around you and love you. It can be a chore to get out of bed in the morning. Some days are okay, but some days...it's just nothing but awful.

So I imagine, that for a kitty with CKD - it's not going to be so different. He just couldn't tell you very clearly and even a vet is not always going to know, because like people, cats react differently to all sorts of medications and environments. Sometimes, despite all the treatment and despite doing everything right - a body just gives out and gives up, it gets tired.

I don't have answers for you on why specific things happened. I doubt you gave him too much food. It could have been a bad reaction to medication (I sometimes have bad reactions to mine, even though I have taken them for years). To me, it sounds like there may have been more going on than just CKD and sometimes these things are missed when you have something big happening like CKD in a cat.

I had a necropsy done on one of my cats, just so I got some answers as to why he died (FIP, the wet version and a liver 1/3 the size it should have been, so he got FIP which killed him from likely being too interbred). That may be the only way you get any answers.

I am very sorry you couldn't save your kitty, I've lost so many too and my heart aches with you. I've lost some with no answers and some with and I've come to the conclusion, what really matters is that I lost them. I grieve, I feel guilty, I hate myself a little bit sometimes for feeling like I failed or didn't do enough or prolonged their pain too long in the end. I also forgive myself for making mistakes or the wrong decisions out of a place of love and not wanting to let go.

So I come here and I post and document them and a bit about their life, so that as long as the Internet exists - they will never be forgotten on some dusty cache server somewhere in the world. So share some pictures, share some good memories so that too is never forgotten.

and know, we all grieve with you. He will rest in peace, stay loved by you and one day he'll let you know how much he appreciated the love and how you did you best to be there for him.

 

[di and bob]

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He had a lot going on, none of it was good, and sometimes no matter how hard we try, it isn't enough. He was given such a gift at the end of his life, the gift of a home, care, and someone to love him, what he wanted most in the world......
He will always be connected to your heart, he will always be at peace because of your love and concern. Guilt is always a part of grieving, because not one of us is perfect in this world, and we always think there is something we should have done, could have done that would have made a difference. It does nothing to change the outcome however, so just adds to our misery. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you gave him love which was the most important thing in his life.
Whatever path he is following right now, it will always parallel your own. He will continue to send his love and gratitude, and you will too. Eventually, your grief will turn to thankfulness for having him in your life, even for a short while. He taught you much, and the experience you gained here may save another little one down the road. He would want you to go froward and to pass your love, and the love he had for you down to another. That is his legacy, and he knows you will do him proud.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. The night is always darkest before the light. The sun WILL rise again, the world goes on. It takes us with it whether we want to or not. so go forward into the future and live it as you would ahve wanted for him if you were the first to go. That is love, and he wants no less.......RIP precious boy. you will never be forgotten, youb will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[betsygee]

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He had a lot going on, none of it was good, and sometimes no matter how hard we try, it isn't enough.

Absolutely this. Sometimes there's just too much going on in their little bodies and nothing we can do will change that. Please, please, please don't feel guilty or keep beating yourself up. You did everything you could have done for him. He was so lucky to spend his last days with such good care and so much love.

What was your little guy's name?

 

[catlover477747]

Absolutely this. Sometimes there's just too much going on in their little bodies and nothing we can do will change that. Please, please, please don't feel guilty or keep beating yourself up. You did everything you could have done for him. He was so lucky to spend his last days with such good care and so much love.

What was your little guy's name?

Hi name was Buddy, or Buddy Boy if we were being formal.

Thank you for your words, it means so much. We were juggling so many treatments and trying to find the source of his issue, but we didn't have enough of his history to fill in the puzzle. He deserved so much better but we gave him everything we had and could get together in time. Heartbreaking was that his catio arrived early the day after he died, early but not in time. I think he preferred sitting on our laps outside though

 

[catlover477747]

I had a cat, with a weird cat problem and I posted about it here. He would lose his body heat. vet's couldn't figure out the problem and one day he did that same thing he would always do, except this time he had a seizure while doing it and passed in my arms. He was loving on me and normal and 10 minutes later, he was gone.

As I suffer from CKD too, I understand what it does to a body. It makes you tired, it makes you hurt, it affects you in so many ways that sometimes you just can't relate it very well to the people who are around you and love you. It can be a chore to get out of bed in the morning. Some days are okay, but some days...it's just nothing but awful.

So I imagine, that for a kitty with CKD - it's not going to be so different. He just couldn't tell you very clearly and even a vet is not always going to know, because like people, cats react differently to all sorts of medications and environments. Sometimes, despite all the treatment and despite doing everything right - a body just gives out and gives up, it gets tired.

I don't have answers for you on why specific things happened. I doubt you gave him too much food. It could have been a bad reaction to medication (I sometimes have bad reactions to mine, even though I have taken them for years). To me, it sounds like there may have been more going on than just CKD and sometimes these things are missed when you have something big happening like CKD in a cat.

I had a necropsy done on one of my cats, just so I got some answers as to why he died (FIP, the wet version and a liver 1/3 the size it should have been, so he got FIP which killed him from likely being too interbred). That may be the only way you get any answers.

I am very sorry you couldn't save your kitty, I've lost so many too and my heart aches with you. I've lost some with no answers and some with and I've come to the conclusion, what really matters is that I lost them. I grieve, I feel guilty, I hate myself a little bit sometimes for feeling like I failed or didn't do enough or prolonged their pain too long in the end. I also forgive myself for making mistakes or the wrong decisions out of a place of love and not wanting to let go.

So I come here and I post and document them and a bit about their life, so that as long as the Internet exists - they will never be forgotten on some dusty cache server somewhere in the world. So share some pictures, share some good memories so that too is never forgotten.

and know, we all grieve with you. He will rest in peace, stay loved by you and one day he'll let you know how much he appreciated the love and how you did you best to be there for him.

I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with CKD and I think it was not too different for him. I experienced a kidney failure (luckily temporarily) due to an undiagnosed congenital abnormality that caused me to lose one of my kidneys. Lucky for me the other one is fine. But, I recognized the shaking and how heat helped him, the nausea as being very much close to my own feelings at that time. Both of his kidneys were 99.9% damaged from previous infections and blockages, as far as the vets could tell. He went to even internal medicine specialists, best in our city, and they couldn't do anything more for him. I would have arranged dialysis but he wasn't a candidate. It was such an injustice how he was misunderstood as having behavioural issues when it was his kidneys all along. The SPCA didn't even do a blood test for him and he was with them for 5 months. I understand they did what they thought was best trying to make him as attractive to adopt as possible. but I am so angry at his previous owners and just wanted to make up for it all. We made up for some of it though. I wish animals were treated better, and for that matter, people as well

We had a private cremation and weren't offered a necropsy. None of the vets were surprised at how he passed, it was probably just my expectations. We are trying to figure out how to honour him and have a Buddy shaped emptiness. We only had him for a short time but the amount of care and reliance he had on us bonded us in a way that I've never experienced before. He was so ready and willing to enjoy his little life, he readily accepted any kindness and trusted us. It helps to think that he loved me.

Sharing his story really helps me, I wish more people got to know him. Everyone he met just loved him after he started to trust again and was off of his behaviour medications, could truly be himself. Buddy, you were loved.

 

[fionasmom]

I am so sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong and went to great extremes to help Buddy. He knew love in the short time that he was with you and to him that was everything. I hope that you can take some comfort in the memories of the life that you gave him.

The extreme personality changes at the end may have been due to toxicity in his body from the kidneys. I had a similar experience years ago with a dog who died from liver failure ( also a rescue). There was an extreme cognitive shift near the end; she did not act out, but I could tell that she did not recognize me any longer.

 

[catlover477747]

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He had a lot going on, none of it was good, and sometimes no matter how hard we try, it isn't enough. He was given such a gift at the end of his life, the gift of a home, care, and someone to love him, what he wanted most in the world......
He will always be connected to your heart, he will always be at peace because of your love and concern. Guilt is always a part of grieving, because not one of us is perfect in this world, and we always think there is something we should have done, could have done that would have made a difference. It does nothing to change the outcome however, so just adds to our misery. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you gave him love which was the most important thing in his life.
Whatever path he is following right now, it will always parallel your own. He will continue to send his love and gratitude, and you will too. Eventually, your grief will turn to thankfulness for having him in your life, even for a short while. He taught you much, and the experience you gained here may save another little one down the road. He would want you to go froward and to pass your love, and the love he had for you down to another. That is his legacy, and he knows you will do him proud.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. The night is always darkest before the light. The sun WILL rise again, the world goes on. It takes us with it whether we want to or not. so go forward into the future and live it as you would ahve wanted for him if you were the first to go. That is love, and he wants no less.......RIP precious boy. you will never be forgotten, youb will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

Thank you for your words, they've really helped me. At the end we played his favourite song and he slow-blinked with recognition, even through the seizure and pain. His eyes were wide with fear and pain and only relaxed with our hands and the song. Second Hand News. I only played it for the happy times in case we needed it to get through a stressful moment. He was the best guy in the world and eventually the good moments he gifted us will overshadow the massive hole he left in our hearts. I hope that his experiences help other kitties because we were able to try every treatment, some more useful than others. I think he always felt safe with us and we never left him alone ( a privilege of working from home).

 

[catlover477747]

I am so sorry for your loss. You did nothing wrong and went to great extremes to help Buddy. He knew love in the short time that he was with you and to him that was everything. I hope that you can take some comfort in the memories of the life that you gave him.

The extreme personality changes at the end may have been due to toxicity in his body from the kidneys. I had a similar experience years ago with a dog who died from liver failure ( also a rescue). There was an extreme cognitive shift near the end; she did not act out, but I could tell that she did not recognize me any longer.

Something in my body knew it was time when he was scared of my shadow. He was scared of what was happening and in true Buddy fashion, was trying to fight through it. He fought through nausea and the pain every day but this was too much for even him. I did not want to put the pressure on him to fight any longer.

I'm sorry to hear of your puppy rescue's experience. You must have gotten to know her well to be able to detect small shifts and to help her when she needed you most.

It's helping us to look through pictures and videos of him. We knew our time could be short. It helps to see how content he was most days, how he purred when he ate dry food (his cronchers), the food tasting parties we would throw him from petsmart just trying to figure out some foods he wouldn't have aversions to. The bird houses we got him to occupy him when he couldn't get outside. There were so many things that he loved.

This is his first morning after we adopted him. You can see to the left he abandoned his bed from the shelter and is fully posted on the heat pad. He seems to be marvelling at the sunshine and the birds and he was completely at peace.

 

[fionasmom]

He seems to be marvelling at the sunshine and the birds and he was completely at peace.

That is a beautiful picture of him. He is also marveling at how his life could change so quickly for the better.

 

[Stormy accepts you]

Honey, you didn’t do anything wrong. You tried to make his life comfortable at the end. There’s only so much you can do. He knows you loved him. He’s your protector now.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Buddy, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

This is something I've come to realize. Cats are the most zen creatures on this earth. They live in an eternal "forever." You gave Buddy, even though he was only with you for a short time, a wonderful forever. Even with his health issues, Buddy lived, breathed and had his being wrapped in your love. THAT was his forever. This is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies. It is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. And now, from his new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Buddy blesses you, and he sends his Love back to you to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry for your loss.



I lost one of my cats to kidney failure last month. (Thank you for the message you posted on his thread. ) His final hours were very similar to the way you describe Buddy's. He was also drooling and retching. He wasn't able to swallow and his back legs kept spasming as if he was having a seizure.

It's awful to watch, but it wasn't your fault. I don't think the fact that you fed Buddy or gave him medication made any difference. My cat hadn't eaten in the days before he died. He was given an anti-inflammatory injection, but I couldn't get him to swallow any of the oral painkillers. Buddy was given the best care possible, as was Albert, but they died anyway. I think we're always going to blame ourselves and think we should have done something different, but it wouldn't have changed things even if we did.

You loved Buddy and you did everything you could for him. He knows that. If he could tell you what he remembers of his life he would be telling you about all the love and affection he received. Don't let that last day be what you remember about him.

 

[catlover477747]

I'm so sorry for your loss.



I lost one of my cats to kidney failure last month. (Thank you for the message you posted on his thread. ) His final hours were very similar to the way you describe Buddy's. He was also drooling and retching. He wasn't able to swallow and his back legs kept spasming as if he was having a seizure.

It's awful to watch, but it wasn't your fault. I don't think the fact that you fed Buddy or gave him medication made any difference. My cat hadn't eaten in the days before he died. He was given an anti-inflammatory injection, but I couldn't get him to swallow any of the oral painkillers. Buddy was given the best care possible, as was Albert, but they died anyway. I think we're always going to blame ourselves and think we should have done something different, but it wouldn't have changed things even if we did.

You loved Buddy and you did everything you could for him. He knows that. If he could tell you what he remembers of his life he would be telling you about all the love and affection he received. Don't let that last day be what you remember about him.

I'm so sorry to hear your experience was similar with dear Albert. I keep researching all of Buddy's symptoms and trying to figure out exactly when things went wrong. Just now, as I'm trying to focus on work, I was reminded of his sad little whistle sound he made when he breathed the night before. I thought he was just uncomfortable getting into his cat tree. I thought he was going to pull through as he did so many times before. I wish we had time to consult with the end-of-life team so that we knew what to expect. You sharing your experience as being similar helps a lot because it seems the vets don't want to go into the details. I think they don't realize how non-vets are unused to these symptoms in cats.

I will do my best to honour his memory and have been looking at his happy photos as a reminder that 99.9% of his time with us was relaxed, comfortable, and pleasurable. I hope he knew he had finally come home <3

 

[di and bob]

He did…..

 

[epona]

I think we sometimes have expectations of death that it happens peacefully, just slipping away in their sleep comfy in their bed - this is sadly rarely the case, and it can be traumatic to witness and is sometimes not even quick.

For what it's worth, I don't think you did anything wrong - you loved Buddy and looked after him at the end as best you could. He would have known that you loved him.

I am very sorry for your loss. I think it is normal to feel some guilt around loss of an animal companion, they are so dependent on us and no matter how it happens at the end, we always feel like we should have known sooner/done something different and it weighs heavy on us. This is normal and part of our grief.

 

[thanatos0042]

We had a private cremation and weren't offered a necropsy. None of the vets were surprised at how he passed, it was probably just my expectations. We are trying to figure out how to honour him and have a Buddy shaped emptiness. We only had him for a short time but the amount of care and reliance he had on us bonded us in a way that I've never experienced before. He was so ready and willing to enjoy his little life, he readily accepted any kindness and trusted us. It helps to think that he loved me.

Sharing his story really helps me, I wish more people got to know him. Everyone he met just loved him after he started to trust again and was off of his behaviour medications, could truly be himself. Buddy, you were loved.

I am glad to hear your issue was temporary. UNFORTUNATELY since my original post, I got sick and it seemed to spur both of my kidneys failed lol I'm now starting dialysis. Talk about some bad luck But you know, it's the kind of things we go through that can help us recognize characteristics in our fur babies that we need to pay attention to. And you know, like with people, sometimes we get misdiagnosed and sometimes there's nothing even the best medical professionals can do.

It is criminal how some of these animals don't receive the checks and care they need at these kind of places like the SPCA, but also I understand that money and resources are limited and they can only do so much.

It's good you got to say a proper goodbye. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you have them a short time or a long time, sometimes they touch you more deeply than others. Our Buddy was just a feral we didn't get attached to but his loss was deeply felt by all of us here. They can sneak into your heart. I honor them with posts here, its really the very best way I can think of, as it shares them with others and somewhere, there will always be a record of them, so never entirely forgotten - even when we are gone.

thank you for sharing and trying and loving.

I am sure, you were loved back

 

[catlover477747]

I am glad to hear your issue was temporary. UNFORTUNATELY since my original post, I got sick and it seemed to spur both of my kidneys failed lol I'm now starting dialysis. Talk about some bad luck But you know, it's the kind of things we go through that can help us recognize characteristics in our fur babies that we need to pay attention to. And you know, like with people, sometimes we get misdiagnosed and sometimes there's nothing even the best medical professionals can do.

It is criminal how some of these animals don't receive the checks and care they need at these kind of places like the SPCA, but also I understand that money and resources are limited and they can only do so much.

It's good you got to say a proper goodbye. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you have them a short time or a long time, sometimes they touch you more deeply than others. Our Buddy was just a feral we didn't get attached to but his loss was deeply felt by all of us here. They can sneak into your heart. I honor them with posts here, its really the very best way I can think of, as it shares them with others and somewhere, there will always be a record of them, so never entirely forgotten - even when we are gone.

thank you for sharing and trying and loving.

I am sure, you were loved back

I'm so sorry to hear about your health and I hope the dialysis goes well, as well as a better solution for you in future. Sending hugs ---> <3

Thank you for your words about SPCA. I think they humanize the animals too much instead of viewing these issues as signals of a medical condition. After all, even humans become depressed with anemia, etc! I think they probably don't want to dig too deep in case it hurts the adoption possibilities of the animal as well...

 

[marshmallow2013]

It was very sad reading your story. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. You did all you could to make him comfortable. He knows how much you loved him. His photo is adorable. I feel your pain.
My deepest condolences to you.
Rest in Peace, Buddy.